Being an older parent is hard as fuck.

[Oldasfuck]

We had babies in our 40s.

We are grateful. Of course we are. But fuuuuuuuuck, we feel about a thousand years old in terms of energy. Pretty sure we wouldn't be this destroyed if it was just the two of us. Our lives are just about surviving.

Am not explaining this well. And will await the barrage of "Well at least you're not infertile/a single parent". Yep I know. First World problems and all that.

But I didnt feel this exhausted when we were trying to conceive. We felt pretty good back then. Like we were still in our thirties! Everything was awesome! We had parents and friends and hey, even a social life!

Parents were elderly sure, but we were so happy to give them grandchildren. 3 out of 4 gone now in the space of 4 years.

Friends are busy with their own kids, everyone always so busy. Lots of friends have teenagers, chuckle indulgently at how old and fucked we look cos they went through it too - yeah, but at 32!

No energy to have sex, no energy to have hobbies, no energy left after work and creche and Big School and nappies and toilet training and trying to get dummies out of mouths and trying to make dinners everyone will eat but nobody does.

No family, no cousins, no wider circle. The worry of them not making connections, the worry of having to make them join clubs or they'll have nobody, the worry one of us will get something bad in our 50s and the kids won't even have finished school yet. The worry about having to make enough money to take care of ourselves in old age cos older parents = early burden. It is just us 4. It is so small. I worry they will feel the claustrophobia. Its not my fault, but actually maybe it is, for not having them 10 years ago when cousins were younger and friends kids were younger.

We look at each other and know there's no safety net. It's scary. School want to assed eldest for sensory issues. Am terrified. I feel old as hell.

We try to be kind to each other, we are OK at that. But I wish we were younger. We would get out of bed quicker, we would move faster, we re just so tired all the time. He thinks he has arthritis in his hands now, jesus that's something that old people have. We both wear varifocals now. And one still in nappies who still wakes up in the night half the time - why didn't we foresee this??! We thought we would feel young forever.

I ask colleagues on Monday what did you do over the weekend? "Oh we brought the kids up to grandma's for Sunday roast, what did you do?" "Oh nothing much, went to the playground/the beach, no didn't meet up with any family, no"

Why don't people talk about this? It makes a difference - 35 to 45. It really does. You lose so much family. You lose so much energy.its so hard.

I don't even want to read this back, it probably is ungrateful.

@Dontsayyouloveme I smarted at that a bit too since dd is a hard won only so very likely to remain that way.

But then people only know what they’ve lived. I used to be desperate for a sister despite having a brother and DP would rather dd remains an only and he is the eldest of 6. I think care for elderly parents is another thing people don’t necessarily consider but it’s very hard on an only child; the flip side of that is having a sibling is no guarantee of sharing the load eg my brother who just checked out of the family unit over a decade ago despite support being desperately needed.

It’s a tough one but I do agree that as a general rule there is safety in numbers but there are other ways to build a close network that isn’t bonded by blood.

I had 3 by age 29, last one with special needs
I was exhausted
80s passed in a blur

My DD I had in my teens, is now 49, and some years ago, said I made HER feel, old, I am fitter, than her, dont smoke (nevr have) or done "drugs", do work out weights, running, and havent eaten meat for over 40 years

I’ve read your thread from the start, so I’m really pleased that you’re feeling a bit more upbeat.
I had my 2 at 38 and 42 and it was totally knackering with both. My youngest is now 15 and all I can say is that it really does get easier, they are great people now and do a lot to help.
We do not have any practical family help either, but there’s not much we can do about that. If you’re lucky, as we were, through school you will find friends at a similar stage to you, which will be a great support.
As for Christmas, we developed our own wee traditions (which evolved as the kids got older). We made Christmas Eve more of a thing and even now at aged 15 and nearly 20, we go to the cinema early evening on Christmas eve then home for a take away before we hang up our stockings. It’s just a lovely calm, settled routine that we all love. Just the 4 of you is ok, you’re a family. It’s not relaxing when the kids are small, but it’s really important to persevere - it pays off in the end. You’re doing the hardest job there is - keep up the good work!

Hugs! It's sounds like you've had a few very very tough years. That's a lot of parents to lose in such a short period of time.

Is there any local mums group you could join? My best friend is 10 years older than me and has a child the same age as me and it's great to chat and moan about how shattered and scattered we are? Having someone to talk to makes it hurt less:

Also coffee is god.

An only child of older parents is not a good thing for a lot of reasons

Just interested what those reasons are

If you have ageing parents it probably isn't hard to work out that if you're the only child then all that responsibility falls on you. That's hard. It is also hard when you lose your parents as you don't have siblings who understand what that means and your birth family is entirely gone. It affects some people more than others and from what I've seen may also be affected by whether you have a family aside from your birth family.

Those are just realities that come with being an only child (and they are realities that can also befall children who do have siblings who are geographically or emotionally distant). It isn't a judgment, just a reality.

@3timeslucky the thing is, comments like yours can really hurt people inadvertently. I'm an only child - my mum couldn't have any more for medical reasons and she worried about me being an only endlessly, eventually developed clinical depression and was hospitalised for a while when I was 7. I hate to think what someone going through that now would feel reading remarks like that. It's not always a choice.
As it happens I've been very happy as an only. Yes, when my parents get ill/frail/die, I'll be dealing with that alone - but actually my husband's brother died before his mum, so he had to do it alone too (albeit with me to support). There are no guarantees in life.
And, more to the point, often one sibling (usually the woman) does the majority of elder care anyway. So give a girl a brother and - unless society suddenly changes rapidly - nothing changes there.
Sorry to sound cynical, but frankly death/bereavement is a really terrible reason to have a second child.
As it happens I have one child and would love another - but primarily because that's what we want as parents. A child knows nothing different from their own circumstances and will be absolutely fine whatever is decided/happens.

@Wheninfrome not sure what that has to do with anything? My DH parents were 28 and 30 when he was born. Both are now dead. We are 32. They won’t get to meet any grandchildren and his DF died before the wedding his DM 4 months after it.

@YukoandHiro
I am sorry you feel that commenting on the reality of difficulties that some only children face is hurtful. I specifically stated that identifying a reality is not a judgment. I also made clear in my post that the care of elderly parents can fall to one child even when there are siblings so you and I are in agreement on that anyway. And I never for a moment suggested anyone should have another child - or could have another child - to ensure even distribution of care or grieving!

People can talk about things as they are with all the imperfections and challenges that come with a given situation without it being a suggestion that there is something inherently wrong with that situation or that people should do something about it. It is as true of people having or being multiple siblings as it is or having or being an only child.

@3timeslucky, I get where you’re coming from I really do. It’s no good anyone telling you of scenarios that counter your experience (as I did earlier in the thread - I stand by it though!) because that’s not your reality and there are too many what if’s for you to contemplate. It just touches a nerve for many people because if they didn’t plan to only have one dc they’re likely acutely aware of the pitfalls.

I really hope my dd doesn’t have that experience and will do my best to make sure she doesn’t because I’ve experienced the stress and heartache of being left to shoulder everything and it’s soul destroying.

I hope things are easier for you now

@Cornettoninja
There's absolutely nothing in your post or earlier post that I don't agree with. And do completely understand that things can hit a nerve when people comment but the other side of that (and maybe it is just my personality) is that I would never suggest that someone shouldn't make an observation simply because it might hit a nerve. Not saying things doesn't make them less true. This isn't something that is true only in relation to only children. You could have a thread about large families, families with younger parents, families with older parents, breastfeeding, working, childcare, eldercare ... the list goes on. There's no perfection but pointing out downsides of any given situation shouldn't be problematic (in my opinion anyway) and it can be helpful to talk about and discuss.

3timeslucky

probably isn't hard to work out

How I’ve missed being patronised since I left my ex husband!

I had my 1st son at 32 and my 2nd at 42 he's 2.8 months now and I agree totally with you. My mum died last year quite suddenly from leukaemia. I do constant nightshift my dh watches the boys at night then I come in after a 12.5 hour nightshift as a nurse then stay up all day to watch the wee one who doesn't nap and is a whirlwind, my other ds is at high school.
I'm so grateful to have my youngest I had had 8mmc before I had him. I'd been trying for years to have another baby, but my god it's hard work. If I'd known what lay ahead with losing my mum I don't know if I'd carrier on past the age of 36, things will get easier once he starts state nursery in April, it's the lack of sleep that gets me . Fortunately he is a great sleeper I think
He senses I'm ancient. I've also got ra but I've had that since I was young .its a very lonely time as all my friend have kids the same age as my oldest . I do go to mother &toddlers but feel really left out because of my age. They have no time to speak
With me as they all
Love to talk about love island etc things I don't watch. They are lovely people but very hard although I try

I feel like this and I'm 29... I think its just what having a baby/kids is like. I don't have any support from anyone other than my DP so perhaps that is it that neither of us ever really get a 'break' 🤷‍♀️

JOBBYMCGINGTY, THAT COULD HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY ME, BEFORE WHEN I POSTED ABOUT LACK OF SLEEP, I GOT NASTY COMMENTS, I HAD 3 DKS, RE-MARRIED, HAD MY LAST BABY AT 41, 9BECAOME AND GRANNY THE FOLLOWING YEAR0 I DIDNT GO TO BED TILL SHE WENT TO SCHOOL, LIKE YOU 12.5 SHIFT NIGHT NURSING, THEN A DRIVE F ALMOST 50 MILES HOME, I WAS ALSO AN ONLY CHILD, NOT THROUGH PARENTS CHOICE, THEY WERE 21 WHEN I WAS BORN, YET, I ENDED UP THE SANDWICH GENERATION, YOUNG CHILD AND DYING DD WHO WAS 80 MILE ROUND TRIP TO HELP WITH CARE AFTER THE DREADED NIGHT SHIFT, GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND THE POSTER, MY LATE DM USED TO SAY "WHAT DOESNT KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER"WHEN I HAD MY FIRST DC I WAS LEFT OUT BECAUSE I WAS SO MUICH YOUNGER THAN THE OTHER MOTHERS, MY MIDDLE CLASS FRIENDS DIDNT START PRODUCING TILL THEY WERE NEAR 40

Thanks nanny. It was hard last year when my mum was dying and trying to do it all , my brother lives abroad and hasn't been home in years plus my mum has disowned him so everything fell on me, it still does really as I try my best to support my greiving elders dad who's health is also becoming an issue. I also work in a nursing home which as you know will always have issues with staffing etc