Being an older parent is hard as fuck.

[Oldasfuck]

We had babies in our 40s.

We are grateful. Of course we are. But fuuuuuuuuck, we feel about a thousand years old in terms of energy. Pretty sure we wouldn't be this destroyed if it was just the two of us. Our lives are just about surviving.

Am not explaining this well. And will await the barrage of "Well at least you're not infertile/a single parent". Yep I know. First World problems and all that.

But I didnt feel this exhausted when we were trying to conceive. We felt pretty good back then. Like we were still in our thirties! Everything was awesome! We had parents and friends and hey, even a social life!

Parents were elderly sure, but we were so happy to give them grandchildren. 3 out of 4 gone now in the space of 4 years.

Friends are busy with their own kids, everyone always so busy. Lots of friends have teenagers, chuckle indulgently at how old and fucked we look cos they went through it too - yeah, but at 32!

No energy to have sex, no energy to have hobbies, no energy left after work and creche and Big School and nappies and toilet training and trying to get dummies out of mouths and trying to make dinners everyone will eat but nobody does.

No family, no cousins, no wider circle. The worry of them not making connections, the worry of having to make them join clubs or they'll have nobody, the worry one of us will get something bad in our 50s and the kids won't even have finished school yet. The worry about having to make enough money to take care of ourselves in old age cos older parents = early burden. It is just us 4. It is so small. I worry they will feel the claustrophobia. Its not my fault, but actually maybe it is, for not having them 10 years ago when cousins were younger and friends kids were younger.

We look at each other and know there's no safety net. It's scary. School want to assed eldest for sensory issues. Am terrified. I feel old as hell.

We try to be kind to each other, we are OK at that. But I wish we were younger. We would get out of bed quicker, we would move faster, we re just so tired all the time. He thinks he has arthritis in his hands now, jesus that's something that old people have. We both wear varifocals now. And one still in nappies who still wakes up in the night half the time - why didn't we foresee this??! We thought we would feel young forever.

I ask colleagues on Monday what did you do over the weekend? "Oh we brought the kids up to grandma's for Sunday roast, what did you do?" "Oh nothing much, went to the playground/the beach, no didn't meet up with any family, no"

Why don't people talk about this? It makes a difference - 35 to 45. It really does. You lose so much family. You lose so much energy.its so hard.

I don't even want to read this back, it probably is ungrateful.

Wow relax go easy on yourself. I think that is the main problem here not the fact that you're older having kids. It's tiring and I'm 32. I have twins also. Relaxxxxx only put the telly on and have a cuppa!

It doesn’t sound ungrateful. I’m 34, have a 2 year old DD and I am bloody knackered! My back aches, my knee hurts, and I dream of a snooze in my armchair.

We have talked about having another, but we would have to remember how to have sex first.

Oh OP, I hear you. I had my son when I was 44 and had no friends or family nearby to help. My parents have passed away and DH's parents are elderly and overseas. It's been a really hard slog and we have only actually been out once in the evening alone in 10 years. Things are becoming easier now though, in terms of having mental space and coping a bit better. I'm still permanently knackered though lol. Sending you hugs

Things will get better.

Most parents of young children find it exhausting.
I was an older parent too.
They are now young adults. And as I approach 60 I feel far more energetic than I did in my 40s when they were small.

I eat well, I keep my weight down, I exercise 4 times at the gym a week.
My hair shines, my skin is clear my fitness levels are increasing as I get older.

No reason to give up just yet.

Bless you. Sounds like you're doing a great job despite being so knackered.

It may not always be age related though. I had my son at 31, I'm 34 now and feel exactly like you. I also have arthritis, fibromyalgia and a whole host of other things that mean I'm knackered and in pain all the time. I remember looking at some of my older NCT mates and thinking where they got their energy from!

Why don't people talk about this? It makes a difference - 35 to 45. It really does. You lose so much family. You lose so much energy.its so hard.

Because not every ones situation is the same.

I had my one when I was 43. Both my parents have already died a long time ago so I never had to deal with older parents or their deaths while having young kids. My LO has cousins who vary in age from 30s to 3. Some in their 20s are nearby and want to see her a lot so I told them they are designated baby sitters.

I have friends who are older parents. One of their mums had them when she was 16 and provides lots of support. The others parents are still healthy.

I think everyone with kids is knackered. In one's 40s, one doesn't experience much decline. So our eyesight might get a bit worse, but a lot of people have poor eyesight from childhood.

I think this is just the stress and knackeredness a lot of people feel with kids. All I mean to say is you're not abnormal for parents, not past it.

Hugs xxxxx

Hi there. This if my first post on MN but I felt I'd like to say a hello and a well done to you for doing what is a really tough job, at whatever age. My kids are 18, 16 and we have a little one aged 17 months who has not slept through the night even once. We're now aged 45 (me) and 60 (DH), so we're doing old parenting now and have experience at younger parenting, and to be honest, it's knackering at any time. Like you, we have no family support and I think that's what sometimes makes it feel tougher - the idea that it stretches on indefinitely. Cut yourself some slack, and give yourselves a cheer for getting through another playground session and bringing up kids in a happy home. In what feels like no time, they won't want the playground any more, or all those other things that feel so draining now.

It does get better.

You're in the trenches at the moment. Basically you're the kids' slaves - spending all your time and energy on them. When they get more independent, go to school, have lives of their own, it WILL change. And you'll get more out of them - that feeling of just giving and getting nothing back is hard.

Having friends who are going through the same thing makes a big difference.

I had my first and only child at 39, he is 12 now so I am 51.He is also ASD and very hard to deal with. I do worry about his future because of very limited family support and his condition which means he finds it very hard to make friends. He is so socailly isolated and he sees me as his BFF and playmate and everything

I also need to work and I am exhausted most of the time.

Did you have IVF? I find older parents (like me) who had to go through IVF for their first babies tend to be fitter, healthier, and take care of themselves more and so the ‘low energy’ problem rarely comes into play unless there were serious problems during the birth. Going to be blunt here as I am almost your age and pregnant - TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You need to prioritise your health and wellbeing otherwise you’ll feel a million years old no matter what your official age is

Also, book a babysitter and do some adult things, even if you don't feel like you have the energy.

As ramamama says, it does go by more quickly than you might think. The days are long but the years are short - very wise saying.

Kids are exhausting. No matter what age you are. They really do sap the life-blood out of you sometimes. Particularly if you've a poor sleeper (or three). Broken or short sleep is utterly debilitating.

When I was pregnant with my second I was really tired and convinced it was my age (38). Doctor's response was "Nope. You're exhausted because you already have a child". I think he had a point.

The death of parents and in-laws is a huge shock and if you were in your 20s you'd be as (maybe more) floored by it.

In sum, you've a lot of your plate, and the age you are is just a small part of it. Don't be hard on yourself. And don't believe you have to sound happy-clappy grateful all the time!

No energy to have sex, no energy to have hobbies, no energy left after work and creche and Big School and nappies and toilet training and trying to get dummies out of mouths and trying to make dinners everyone will eat but nobody does.

Oh god. Solidarity. This has been my life for basically the past 6-8 years. We’ve only just got the youngest one out of nappies and dummies. We’re still knackered.

I was knackered during the summer holidays, I was knackered when we went away on holiday, I was knackered when school started, I’m knackered now. And we’re “only” in our late 30s. Life is just relentless, like a treadmill I can’t get off.

And then they will leave home and wave goodbye....well until they want something.

most of your comments sound like normal parenting things and not age specific. i look back on those times fondly.....they go in a flash though.

outsource what you dont like doing so you can spend relaxed time with the kids....i'm thinking things like housework.

Yep! I'm freakin' knackered- and it's a terrific shock after all those child-free years.
But my kids are getting older- youngest will be at high school next year. They're becoming fun to talk to (mostly!) and i feel that, having had a life before the kids, i'm a little more socially savvy than i would have been if i'd started young; they'd probably cringe and disagree with this!
It gets easier; hang on in there- the universe will pay you back.

35 and 38 here, too. Twins + 1. DH diagnosed with arthritis at 40. All the extended family abroad.

We made family out of good friends and were so rewarded.

Everything will look up once you are getting a good night's sleep 7:7!

Sounds like you are coping wonderfully. My DB died unexpectedly at 32 leaving a widow and toddler. No guarantees, even for the young.

I'm only just over 30 and find at baby group I'm struggling with the constant getting up from the floor while the 20 year old just effortlessly get up from siting cross legged while holding their babies. I'm always out waking with mine too but still feel very tired some days.

I wouldn't say my husband has it easier. Early twenties and riddled with arthritis in every joint.

Op, maybe you are having a bad week. And the weather is rubbish & dark and it’s getting everyone down.
I became single mum at 45, no Dgps, so I get the feeling that there is no backup, my ex turned out to be so beyond useless he’s almost immobile.

I had a spell of feeling exhausted when ds was 3. I took up running, and the extra fitness has really helped. I’ve much more energy and much more cheerful.
Now 56, ds is 11 and the senior school bus is a whole hour earlier which has taken a bit of getting used to but it’s ok, really it is.
Can you take a day off and have some time to yourself? It will be ok x

I get that and these are all the resons why I had set (in my ow head and for myself ONLY!) a limit.I said that after 39yo I would not have a child again.

Having said that, I think the answer is in looking after yourself. Self care, diet etc... taking time to look after you like you are looking after your dcs. Because otherwise you are going to struggle. To enjoy your dcs, to enjoy your life and be the parent you want to be.

((Huggs))
It's hard.

I emphasise. I'm in my twenties and although exhausted, when I had DS I was still at an age of going to sleep at silly times and generally living chaotically, so baby didn't feel a massive disruption. I think I would feel differently when older...I don't want another baby in my thirties!

The worry about having to make enough money to take care of ourselves in old age cos older parents = early burden. I am nearly 70 caring for a parent in their late 90s. It would have been a lot easier doing the elder care in my 40s or 50s!

Hmm. I had Dd at 41 and don’t feel like that. However, I do only have one child and that child has been mostly sleeping through since she was six months. I’m currently training for what I hope will be my first marathon next year.

No family help here either as we live in different countries to our families , so not much in the way of a child free social life, but we live so rurally anyway that we wouldn’t have much of a social life even without children.

Hugs to you, Op. I hope you get some proper sleep soon.

Sorry my point was being young doesn't equal more energy etc.