Being an older parent is hard as fuck.

[Oldasfuck]

We had babies in our 40s.

We are grateful. Of course we are. But fuuuuuuuuck, we feel about a thousand years old in terms of energy. Pretty sure we wouldn't be this destroyed if it was just the two of us. Our lives are just about surviving.

Am not explaining this well. And will await the barrage of "Well at least you're not infertile/a single parent". Yep I know. First World problems and all that.

But I didnt feel this exhausted when we were trying to conceive. We felt pretty good back then. Like we were still in our thirties! Everything was awesome! We had parents and friends and hey, even a social life!

Parents were elderly sure, but we were so happy to give them grandchildren. 3 out of 4 gone now in the space of 4 years.

Friends are busy with their own kids, everyone always so busy. Lots of friends have teenagers, chuckle indulgently at how old and fucked we look cos they went through it too - yeah, but at 32!

No energy to have sex, no energy to have hobbies, no energy left after work and creche and Big School and nappies and toilet training and trying to get dummies out of mouths and trying to make dinners everyone will eat but nobody does.

No family, no cousins, no wider circle. The worry of them not making connections, the worry of having to make them join clubs or they'll have nobody, the worry one of us will get something bad in our 50s and the kids won't even have finished school yet. The worry about having to make enough money to take care of ourselves in old age cos older parents = early burden. It is just us 4. It is so small. I worry they will feel the claustrophobia. Its not my fault, but actually maybe it is, for not having them 10 years ago when cousins were younger and friends kids were younger.

We look at each other and know there's no safety net. It's scary. School want to assed eldest for sensory issues. Am terrified. I feel old as hell.

We try to be kind to each other, we are OK at that. But I wish we were younger. We would get out of bed quicker, we would move faster, we re just so tired all the time. He thinks he has arthritis in his hands now, jesus that's something that old people have. We both wear varifocals now. And one still in nappies who still wakes up in the night half the time - why didn't we foresee this??! We thought we would feel young forever.

I ask colleagues on Monday what did you do over the weekend? "Oh we brought the kids up to grandma's for Sunday roast, what did you do?" "Oh nothing much, went to the playground/the beach, no didn't meet up with any family, no"

Why don't people talk about this? It makes a difference - 35 to 45. It really does. You lose so much family. You lose so much energy.its so hard.

I don't even want to read this back, it probably is ungrateful.

I had my daughter at 17 years old. My mum was 36, full of energy and a brilliant help.

Fast forward to now. My daughter is 19. Away at uni. All good.

I'm remarried. Now 37, husband 42. We have a 7m baby and 22m toddler. We are exhausted. All our parents are older. My mum a young 56, his 65+ and 70miles away, not in great health. My mum brings up my nephews now so hard to ask her for help.

I totally get it. It's so hard. We're so tired and really aware our circle is limited. Our children are amazing and totally our choice. However having both been younger parents we felt prepared for babies/toddlers, we've done this before! Nope. It's much harder at this age. Much harder than we expected. You're not alone in feeling like this. Be kind to yourself.

When people say "young children are knackering" then, "it'll get easier" can i ask what is the cut off age for "young"?

It starts around school age I think as the physical demands ease ... all the night-time stuff, making special food, feeding, carrying, never-ending inputting into everything. They are overall a bit more independent and reasonable. And it is a gradual process from there and also depends on the child/ren involved. By the end of primary it is much more hands-off though they can wreck your headspace more. While they head-wrecking is draining it isn't debilitating in the same way as the sleep-deprived baby and toddler years.

A babysitter costs me £50 for an evening, so it certainly can't be an every week experience for us.

This is why we haven't been anywhere on our own at night for 6 years. In our mid 40s with a 6 year old we are older parents with older grandparents who apparently used up all their time and energy looking after DH's sister's two kids. So no time for us and we're pretty much alone in this. I hate going out at night anyway. Way too knackered!!

I hear you, op.

I had my first and only at 41. She is now 2, and I find myself shattered beyond belief, even though she sleeps well.

It wasn't until she was born that I actually realised what the implications of having her so late really were. My DM is 70 next year, and my DF is 76. It's unlikely he will see dd turn 18 and she is his only grandchild.

Likewise, I'll be 60 when she turns 18, and will have only ten years of earning ahead of me. I worry about how we will be able to help her financially in the future if the current cultural and economic dynamics in this country continue.

Moreover, I worry that DD may have absolutely no family by the time she's thirty if DH and I don't get very serious about our health. Not only is DD an only one, I'm also an only one and Dh's sister lives on the other side of the world.

Oh dear my 5 and 6yo are teenagers who require constant micromanaging are pretty much like teenagers. I drag them out of bed to go to school. Simple (usually hygiene related) request like "brush your teeth pls" are replied with moans and attitude. They get moody/angsty, slam doors when told off, draw a lot, create a lot of mess and theres constant sibling drama. Definitely crave MORE attention than before age 4.

Tbf they are also so much more fun and sweet than babies and toddlers when not doing my head in

I'm 33 and I am so fucking tired. No family around either as we live really far away. I have all the same worries as you. I don't think it's just an age thing, having young kids is HARD.

Do some more exercise. Get fit. It really helps with energy levels.

Do some more exercise. Get fit. It really helps with energy levels.

^ this. X 100.

I don't think it is just an age thing.

As we get older out fitness levels decrease because our activity levels drop. If we carry extra weight this exacerbates the problem.
Until "old age" really hits, I am talking 75 years + we have control over our fitness and energy levels.

When my mother was 40 she was clapped out and began a gentle slide into inactivity and old age. She was a parent at 21.

I was a first time parent at an older age than my mother became a grandmother.

I was aware of my age so as began taking care of my body, exercising regularly, eating well, and now as I approach 60 I have better fitness levels and more energy than I did in my 30s.
With no slowing down in sight.

Age is an attitude.

It has really heartened me to see so many stories of solidarity. Particularly amongst the over 40s so I don't feel like I'm just the most useless one!

I feel a lot brighter today. Ironically probably because I had a good day at work so had some productive head space away from the house.

Also DH and I had good chat in bed. Counted our silver linings and had a cuddle.

Also I had a bit of a half-tearful moan to a friend on the phone, just for 5 mins (cos interrupted by "wipe my bum!") but lo and behold she later texted that she is taking them out for the afternoon on Sunday just to the playground for an hour or so. It won't be till 3pm cos of her commitments but STILL!

DH and I are going to go to the pub. We have to drive as we're in the middle of nowhere so only one of us can have a pint but STILL!

And we are going to have wine and Netflix tonight and I am going for a run tomorrow.

And the kids have been adorable this evening which helps a lot! And nobody has done a poo since I've been home, yayyyyy! (jinxed it now haven't I)

Anyway this thread has definitely helped a lot. Sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees. I am grateful to everyone who posted, I really am. Everything is OK, we are all healthy and things can be tweaked and DSs teacher sent us a big email today about next steps with a nice tone about it so maybe it's all for the best and DS will ultimately thrive.

The seesaw of parenting and life and ageing makes you feel like you're just lurching through the days. I do feel like this thread made me manage to get off the seesaw for a second and take in the big picture.

Really glad you're feeling better, OP.

Don't ever feel like you can't complain about how hard it is. Have a good weekend.

Awww. Great to hear! Hope you get to have the pint on Sunday.

I was 42 and my husband was 59 when DS came along I was knackered every bone in my body ached especially my knees. It will get better, wait until your at the school gates and you realise that the other parents/teachers probably weren't even born when you left school. My lovely thoughtful inquisitive boy is my reward

@Oldasfuck

I think you need to get educated.

I have arthritis and I'm in my 30's. So no ots not just something "old people" get ffs.

oldasfuck

If you ever feel like starting an ongoing 'feel as old as fuck' thread... I'll join. You sound like your head is screwed on right.

I'm only (!) 37 and I still feel like this - and I've only got the one child, aged 2. My DH is 49. We are utterly shattered, and I only work 3 days a week (albeit in a demanding role). We are supposed to be ttc another but we're too tired to have enough sex to make it happen (if we're even young enough to have it happen at all). And I'm not sure we'd even cope with two. Lots of my friends with toddlers, even those of a similar age, seem to do much more and have more energy. I keep wondering what we're doing wrong... I shall follow this thread to see if I can find out. Or just to feel less generally shit at parenting

Thanks for your honest post op. I hope you don't get roasted for it on AIBU. If you do, move the thread. Older women thinking about starting a family will appreciate your experience.

People dont talk about it because they get jumped on , even the mention of woman's fertility declining after their 30s gets a barrage of abuses , are you saying women shouldnt have a career etc etc.
I would have thought it is quite well known that having children earlier is generally easier, obviously life doesnt always work out in that way. Anyway raising children without extended family is the same crap tbh, I had children young(20s) but no family in this country so same on no roast at granmas and no cousins to grow together with. With hindsight I would not have stayed so far from family in a foreign and unfriendly country.

OP - I am an only child, my parents were "old parents" 39 and 44, I am now in my 60's. When I was 30 my husband left me suddenly one evening with a 3 and a 5 year old. My mother was nearly 70 and helped very little and I had a large and very physical business to run in order to make ends meet, I was ill a great deal in the next ten years.

I think you are both run down. Physically but more so mentally. Like me back then you cannot have a break from being a parent. BUT you can go on an "easy" holiday maybe, somewhere where you don't have to go to an airport etc just for a few days, nothing exotic and just chill. Have someone else cook for you?

It will get easier, try to find a way to relax. Good luck.

My parents never ‘chose’ to be older but it took them so long to ttc.
My mum said I kept her young though despite having all the issues that were common to what you say. You have two children so at least they will have each other, I was an only child which was even worse!! An only child of older parents is not a good thing for a lot of reasons.
As for the tiredness, I was dog tired in my early 30s, but I can imagine that it is worse in your 40s. I have health issues that just weren’t there 15 years ago.

OP I can totally relate to this. I’m 48 and have an 8 year old son. I’m a single parent and work full time. He’s a good as gold but I’m constantly exhausted. When he’s with his dad one night a week, I’m work extra hours that day and the following morning, to make up for the days I leave at 4 so I can collect my son from after school club. The weekends he’s with his dad, I do chores like food shopping, household chores, life admin or attend my own personal appointments. I’m too knackered to go out in the evenings. I try and get to the gym twice a week during lunch hours if I can. I have one night out once every 6/8 weeks. I have no support from family either. I feel like a headless chicken on a treadmill. By Thursdays I could cry with pure exhaustion.

I hear colleagues, in their early 30’s with children the same age as my son, talking about big family holidays/weekends away/meet ups/parties etc and talking about grandparents doing school pick ups, having their children so they can go bloody furniture shopping and simple things like that! It’s proper shit 😔

Sorry I’m on a downer today (I have MH problems anyway). But again just to say OP, you’re not alone, it is sodding hard... but we do it, because we have to, and because, we love our wonderful children!

You’ve/we’ve got this, just try look after yourself when you can.. 🤗🤗

JustDanceAddict

An only child of older parents is not a good thing for a lot of reasons

Just interested what those reasons are 🤔

I had my kids at 30,32 and 35. I was completely physically & mentally drained for all of my 30s.

I really don’t function well on broken sleep!

41 now and feel like Ive come out the other side. Ive learnt a lot about myself over those past few years. I try take good care of myself as I know you cant run on empty.

I’d say it’s having 2 close together that’s hard not your age. I had 2 close at 30 and felt about 70 because I was so tired trying to meet 2 sets of demands and lack of sleep. Had another at 40 and it’s been fine, so it’s not all about age.