Being an older parent is hard as fuck.

[Oldasfuck]

We had babies in our 40s.

We are grateful. Of course we are. But fuuuuuuuuck, we feel about a thousand years old in terms of energy. Pretty sure we wouldn't be this destroyed if it was just the two of us. Our lives are just about surviving.

Am not explaining this well. And will await the barrage of "Well at least you're not infertile/a single parent". Yep I know. First World problems and all that.

But I didnt feel this exhausted when we were trying to conceive. We felt pretty good back then. Like we were still in our thirties! Everything was awesome! We had parents and friends and hey, even a social life!

Parents were elderly sure, but we were so happy to give them grandchildren. 3 out of 4 gone now in the space of 4 years.

Friends are busy with their own kids, everyone always so busy. Lots of friends have teenagers, chuckle indulgently at how old and fucked we look cos they went through it too - yeah, but at 32!

No energy to have sex, no energy to have hobbies, no energy left after work and creche and Big School and nappies and toilet training and trying to get dummies out of mouths and trying to make dinners everyone will eat but nobody does.

No family, no cousins, no wider circle. The worry of them not making connections, the worry of having to make them join clubs or they'll have nobody, the worry one of us will get something bad in our 50s and the kids won't even have finished school yet. The worry about having to make enough money to take care of ourselves in old age cos older parents = early burden. It is just us 4. It is so small. I worry they will feel the claustrophobia. Its not my fault, but actually maybe it is, for not having them 10 years ago when cousins were younger and friends kids were younger.

We look at each other and know there's no safety net. It's scary. School want to assed eldest for sensory issues. Am terrified. I feel old as hell.

We try to be kind to each other, we are OK at that. But I wish we were younger. We would get out of bed quicker, we would move faster, we re just so tired all the time. He thinks he has arthritis in his hands now, jesus that's something that old people have. We both wear varifocals now. And one still in nappies who still wakes up in the night half the time - why didn't we foresee this??! We thought we would feel young forever.

I ask colleagues on Monday what did you do over the weekend? "Oh we brought the kids up to grandma's for Sunday roast, what did you do?" "Oh nothing much, went to the playground/the beach, no didn't meet up with any family, no"

Why don't people talk about this? It makes a difference - 35 to 45. It really does. You lose so much family. You lose so much energy.its so hard.

I don't even want to read this back, it probably is ungrateful.

First at 19,second at 26 third at 31.

Now ages 21 14 and 9.

I'm early forty and my god I'm so knackered at times

Working full time running a business and a home and looking after the two youngest emotionally and physically and the elders emotionally available at all times is very mentally draining at times op

Even though I had mine younger I was still shattered for most of my thirties aswel.

The good thing now they're getting older is they aren't so physically demanding and can help with chores at home so me and dh get some time out.
We've even managed two weekend breaks away the last year on our own

It does get easier op. I don't think age matters so much. It's physically and mentally demanding now a days running a home and family and career on top.

Have a large gin tonight with dh and remind yourself it won't be this hard forever

I'm 28 with a nearly two year old and most days feel like death in terms of energy haha.

How old are your kids OP? I had one son at age 33 and was a completely LP with no family support nearby. I felt exactly as you describe. I also went through some tough MH issues both related and unrelated to having a kid, so it was doubly hard. I know I wasn't as old as you but circumstances did not conspire to make it easy by any means. Now my son is 6 things are hugely different. He is at school, I get me time again and it's like a holiday in comparison. Trust me things will get easier. It's not just about your age but about the fact that having young children is mind crushingly hard whatever age you are. Just know it will get easier. Do whatever you can to make it easier - if that means buying a tumble dryer or some gadget to help - just do it!

Also - very easy to try to stay up to have some me time in the evening but if you can go to bed early as often as poss despite the extreme desire to have me-time it will make everything much easier.

Look after yourself!!! And remember it does get easier.

Crumbs I felt exhausted just reading that ! You both sound a little overwhelmed TBH . You have both lost family and are possibly still grieving a little? Do you have friends to meet up with sometimes ? You sound a little isolated . Some of the Churches here have Family Service or Messy Play ,where you can meet other parents and chat to people there . What about NT properties ,lots have activities for children and again can just chat to people .I assume you both work .If your DC are in Nursery just see if you can chat to some other parents there they probably feel similar TBH! .What about say Yoga or similar for relaxation for you in the evenings ,something similar for DH ? Parenting is very hard ,I felt tired in my 30s and so does my DSis !Hang on in there it does get easier .Try to maybe get away for a W/E .Center Parcs have good deals or Camping (Maybe in the better weather though")

It’s tough OP, I think some of what you’re feeling is normal for any parent, losing so many relations in such a small amount of time will have had a huge effect on you.

To give the other side of the story, my parents were 44 (DM) and 55 (DF) when they had me (I have 2 older siblings who are 14 years older). I never felt out of sorts about it, I didn’t know any different and none of my friends ever commented. I didn’t know any of my grandparents and all my cousins were much older but again, I didn’t know any different. It was lovely having parents who by the time I was a teenager were nearly retired, it meant I had a lot of time with them. I’m now 32 and my Mum is 76, she’s still very young and helps with my son. You’re kids will have each other and that will be enough

sorry- just reading your post properly- i probably sound a bit glib. i have had some very low points and felt utterly trapped. like you, i don't have my own family nearby and my partner's family have made life much harder- i'm learning to be more assertive with them- but it's been really difficult and i would honestly prefer that we lived far away from them!! and the exhaustion, god! but, honestly, the mist will clear and life will improve- you are stuck in the hardest part of it all but you will massively appreciate the payback. and there are a lot of us older parents, muddling through- pretending all is well.

I understand OP and I am a few years younger, we had ours at 35 and 37, DH 4 years older.

I think it is the being out of step with friends and family - cousins are 10yrs older, friends have teenagers. We are just at a different point in our lives.

Plus, parents are older, we have started losing them too, and they need more help from us rather than them helping us with the children (my parents were older themselves when they had me so they are in their 70's). I envy friends who have hands on GPs and family, mine never will be even though they dote on the DC.

You are doing a great job!

Kids age you at a faster rate. Yours are young. Mine are now 12 and 10. Life is definitely easier and more fun than it was a few years ago. How about trying to make friends with other families with similar aged children? The parents don't have to be the same age as you for you to get on well. Then you can occasionally spend social time at weekends with other families, going to the pub for roasts etc doesn't have to be done with just family. Sorry for your loss of parents etc. I'm nearly 40 and the last three years has seen my family deplete and change very quickly with the loss of elderly family members and also serious illness of parents/other family members of that generation. So I know that the next 10 years or so will see other changes and losses, which is really shitty. Definitely feel like I'm entering a new chapter in terms of losing people/caring for them - I have friends of the same age as me who are finding the same.

it’s just a phase, and it will pass. I am 40 and have a 6&10 year old and and 11 month old. I have days when I’m tired but i also had that when I had my first at 30. Now however I’m so accustomed to having little sleep and interrupted sleep that I feel I cope better than I did then, hubby too. I remember crying about tiredness to my mum back then, but I never do that now. Our older children can still get up in the night (nightmares/ bed wetting prob) so we never really settled back into a routine of lots of sleep even though they are older now. Things will get better and in 5/10/20 years time you may look back at this time in your life wistfully (well, that’s what my mum says) she also says remember, one day the house will be empty and silent when they are grown. Take each day as it comes at the moment and remember that when your friends were going through this stage in their lives, you were free to do as you liked.

I feel guilty saying about our parents as we are free from being the "squeezed middle".

I said to DH that on the bright side we only have the kids to take care of. And nobody bossing us around.

His grandmother lived to 98 and my MIL was taking care of her to 70 whilst also having to babysit grandchildren who were small at the time. I try to remember these things and try to find the silver lining.

It's just shocking lonely when there's nobody really that interested in your kids but you. And a bit unnerving cos they then depend on you so much.

You all understand so much. I'm all teary.

I started running, am off today (obvs) but am too tired to do it all morning. I will try this afternoon in between showers.

Yanbu.
I had third child at 40 with a 10 year gap from the others. Jesus what a difference. She has no cousins born in the same century as her. She has 1 elderly grandparent left. I tell myself it's a different childhood to her sisters. But I hear you. I am 51, She is 11.

We had ours at 28 and 30, now 50 and glad that we did have them then, for all the reasons you mentioned. But there are drawbacks to having them "young", too. I wish I'd had more partners before settling down with someone. Their dad is now exh and I've had other partners and seen how much better it could have been. I also settled down with someone in another country, giving myself more hassle than absolutely necessary - happy here now, but I could have had an easier life and maybe a more effective career in the UK. If I sat down and berated myself over all the mistakes or questionable decisions I've ever made, I'd be sitting there flagellating myself a long time.

What about the upside, are there any positives?

From what I remember the early years are the hardest. I was in my mid -late thirties DH in his early forties. But we did have a lot of support from my parents and I didn't go back to work until the youngest started school, and then only part time.

You've lost three parents in the last 4 years. That's emotionally and physically draining too. Were you caring for them too?

It will get easier OP. In the meantime can you give each other a break for an hour or so at the weekend just to give each other some "me " time or just sleep?

I think even if you take the word 'older' out of your title youve summed up parenthood with young kids at any age! There are different challenges in you 20s, 30s and 40s but still lots of challenges none the less! Ie a mum in her 40s in more likely to be financially comfortable than a young mum in her 20s. Parenting is hard!

I think a lot of it is to do with your own health etc regardless of age. All parents of young kids I know are exhausted unless they have on tap constant grandparent help. I only know one of them who gets that type of help and is related to my dh. Unfortunately she gets so much help from MIL for her child nobody else can really get any and on the rare occasion she will help this child comes too.

I am 39 youngest of 3 is 3 months. The sleepless nights are just as tiring as they were when ds1 was a baby nearly 8 years ago. I am very healthy and active though and that makes a difference. I am far fitter and eat healthier at nearly 40 than I was at 20 as I did no exercise and starved myself to stay slim so was permanently exhausted.

Parenting is hard work especially if you are always out doing things like beach trips. My parents were young but my dad died when I was in my early 20s as he lived a very unhealthy lifestyle. My mum loves her grandkids very much but rarely helps as she works full time and in her words has raised her kids already. She will occasionally babysit but that’s it (3 or 4 times a year).

I feel your pain. I had mine at 33 and 43. When I had DS2 I felt great. Younger than I'd felt in years, fitter and healthier than when I was pregnant with DS1 (because I knew in advance that you can't live on breakfast cereal, Rumbler yoghurts and orange juice for six months without consequences), and felt like I had it covered.

Now I'm 50 and I'm exhausted in a way I wasn't the first time around, wishing I could downshift at work and realising I will have to work full time right up to state pension age because DS2 will turn 18 after his dad reaches retirement age and would finish university just before I reach mine.

There aren't going to be any 'fun' years when the mortgage is paid, the kids are independent and there are still two incomes coming in. As soon as DS1 graduates, we will need to sock away every spare penny towards DS2's education in case someone's health fails. Not fair to saddle him with more student debt than his brother.

As recently as last year, I was responding to posts here saying how great I felt as an older mum. Now the menopause has hit me like a bag of wet sand and DS1 and I have noticed that DP isn't as sharp mentally as he once was, and reality is dawning. I wouldn't be without DS2. I just wish I'd had him earlier.

I'm sorry about your parents.

I had my dd at almost 44 - and df 50- took 10yrs ttc and took 5 ivf

She is our precious miracle

But yes some days I do feel tired - prob also as I work nights as a maternity nurse

Sadly we only have my dad alive who is overjoyed to be grandad

Most of my friends now have teenagers but we are social and see lord of people and go out each day / for my and her sanity

Losing parents is hard and sure hasn’t helped how you feel

It’s nice to go somewhere at the weekend but doesn’t have to be costly

Walk - park - feed ducks etc

Hey @Oldasfuck (LOLing at the username).

The reality is everyone is knackered when they have young kids. You have no way of knowing whether you'd have felt exactly the same 10 years ago.

It will get easier as they grow :)

Please don't think I'm being funny or anything or take this the wrong way but I'm 44 and mine are 25 and 23 and I am very glad I had them young. I have to say with my spine giving me trouble I think I would struggle to carry a baby now. There are pros and cons to both I guess.

I had DD at 21 and became suicidal I was so sleep deprived for the first two years. We had no family help, no money for childcare and no energy to do anything, we also had to move house 4 times in 3 years. No matter your age, having DC is tiring, especially in the baby stage. Doubly so when you have no support.

You are just shattered , not because of your age but because of having two small children- this will pass, there are lots of advantages to being an older parent, i know the joints just dont feel like it at the moment.
www.nbcnews.com/better/health/5-advantages-being-older-parent-ncna775581.

Im an older mum, had my last child in my fourties, (first in mid 30's) at a certain age i think it changed to the kids kept me feeling younger, nephews and nieces were impressed when i could talk the guts out of pokemon or minecraft -while one of my sibling of just 3 years yonger was incapable of getting the tv remote to work without a child demonstrating it to him.

i know this sounds awful , and i'm sorry you lost so many parents & pil in such a short time, but one factor that makes me feel really old and tired now is looking after elderly parents , its hard to have kids at school and routines , work and home life to fit in around caring for , or just keeping an eye on parents. I've seen my parents going from very involved with their eldest grandchildren to basically being a bore, and a chore that the younger grandchildren have to put up with.

I'm 40 single mum with a 3 yo. I adore her but I'm absolutely knackered, she completely wears me out.

I had my first in my 20s and my second in my 40s and I can hand on heart say it is so much easier for me doing it in my 40s. Yes I have less energy for chasing a toddler but age has given me a lot more confidence in myself and my decisions. I'm far less likely to take any bollocks from anyone else now. My mum made me feel like a shit parent when DD was little. Now I'm older and wiser I don't give a shit what my mum thinks and am a much better parent for it.

Yeah we were caring for them too. Tbh the reason we didn't have kids 10 yrs ago is cos that was when the wheels started to fall off the parental buses and all our free time was taken up with their care, which was 24/7.

So not having any break in between might be a factor, who can say really. Like I said, in some ways it's easier as you can boss kids around and don't have to leave your house, whereas with parents it's a lot of travelling and a lot of tongue biting. Emotionally it's harder with parents. It's emotionally OK with the kids, who seem very happy and silly. But physically it is 100% worse now. Even when taking care of the folks, we could have lie ins. Our sleep is improving but it's like we can't adjust? DH is waking up at 4am every night and can't go back to sleep. Meanwhile I can't go to sleep till after midnight as the youngest usually let's out a noise at 11.30 and sometimes wakes up but sometimes doesn't but my brain can't switch off till I know which way it's going to go.

I had three in my 20s and two in my 40s. I feel like I'm a better parent this time round but I also feel exhausted and to top it off I'm peri menopausal now with a 3 and 4 year old. Oh the hot flushes.