Being an older parent is hard as fuck.

[Oldasfuck]

We had babies in our 40s.

We are grateful. Of course we are. But fuuuuuuuuck, we feel about a thousand years old in terms of energy. Pretty sure we wouldn't be this destroyed if it was just the two of us. Our lives are just about surviving.

Am not explaining this well. And will await the barrage of "Well at least you're not infertile/a single parent". Yep I know. First World problems and all that.

But I didnt feel this exhausted when we were trying to conceive. We felt pretty good back then. Like we were still in our thirties! Everything was awesome! We had parents and friends and hey, even a social life!

Parents were elderly sure, but we were so happy to give them grandchildren. 3 out of 4 gone now in the space of 4 years.

Friends are busy with their own kids, everyone always so busy. Lots of friends have teenagers, chuckle indulgently at how old and fucked we look cos they went through it too - yeah, but at 32!

No energy to have sex, no energy to have hobbies, no energy left after work and creche and Big School and nappies and toilet training and trying to get dummies out of mouths and trying to make dinners everyone will eat but nobody does.

No family, no cousins, no wider circle. The worry of them not making connections, the worry of having to make them join clubs or they'll have nobody, the worry one of us will get something bad in our 50s and the kids won't even have finished school yet. The worry about having to make enough money to take care of ourselves in old age cos older parents = early burden. It is just us 4. It is so small. I worry they will feel the claustrophobia. Its not my fault, but actually maybe it is, for not having them 10 years ago when cousins were younger and friends kids were younger.

We look at each other and know there's no safety net. It's scary. School want to assed eldest for sensory issues. Am terrified. I feel old as hell.

We try to be kind to each other, we are OK at that. But I wish we were younger. We would get out of bed quicker, we would move faster, we re just so tired all the time. He thinks he has arthritis in his hands now, jesus that's something that old people have. We both wear varifocals now. And one still in nappies who still wakes up in the night half the time - why didn't we foresee this??! We thought we would feel young forever.

I ask colleagues on Monday what did you do over the weekend? "Oh we brought the kids up to grandma's for Sunday roast, what did you do?" "Oh nothing much, went to the playground/the beach, no didn't meet up with any family, no"

Why don't people talk about this? It makes a difference - 35 to 45. It really does. You lose so much family. You lose so much energy.its so hard.

I don't even want to read this back, it probably is ungrateful.

Oh op. I'm 27 with a 2 year jmf a d you've just described exactly how I feel!!! I don't think it's your age.. I think it's just parenthood

I'm 58 my wife's 51. We've got kids 13, 11 and 9. If you take care of yourself, you can keep up. You have the advantage of experience. Go to the gym, walk, run, keep active. It's easy to say "ohh I'm old" but fight it. Don't just fade into old age as I've seen so many do. Grab it and run with it. It's not easy but it pays off in the end.

Hang on in there. I had three under 5 at 31 and felt like you do now (parents lived at the opposite end of the country and DH worked away). It def gets better exhaustion-wise once they're all sleeping through the night and a bit more independent. I'm at the stage now where having 3 teens is emotionally draining though. But I look back on the exhausting days you're in now with rose tinted glasses wishing I'd paid more attention to them when I was in them. Life with kids is hard no matter how old you are.

Me and Dh still in our thirties with a 5year old and 2.5yo and we are both exhausted. 2yo not slept through yet and up at 4.30am most days. Both of us work and have a commute. No parents well enough/ nearby to help. I have one surviving parent who is needing more support and has multiple health issues needing support.

I feel no different physically to my teeens/twenties but my children are sucking energy directly from my soul!

In women between the ages of 41 and 92, researchers discovered the women who had their last baby after 35 had better cognition and verbal memory later in life than those who first became parents young. They also found that women who used contraceptives for more than 10 years, or got their first periods before the age of 13, fared better when it came to problem-solving and executive functioning when they aged

Well that's cheered me up a bit, lol.

I had children in my early 30s and early 40s. To be honest the damage was done in my early 30s when sleep deprivation and the onslaught of parenting hit like a grenade. I could have written your post at 33!

I didn't feel any more exhausted in my 40's other than the fact we had twins. So many things make a difference - our personal circumstances were that we were far more financially secure than when we had our first two, we'd been through the initial shock and awe period and weren't surprised, also where we live there's many people having children in their late 30s & early 40s so I never felt noticeably older at all and was surrounded by people still in the small child bracket.

I relate too, with a 4yo and an 18mo (I'm 43).

I think being an older mother definitely makes me prioritise my health more than I otherwise would. So even though it's technically impossible, I do a bit of yoga most days (it's a bit addictive I find) and a spinning class once a week. I eat pretty healthily. I had gestational diabetes so get my blood sugars tests every few months. Like you, I really don't want to be a burden in later life, esp when dc are younger. I know you can't completely control your health but I'm trying to do what I can.

I do yoga at home and sometimes when I'm doing it dd is playing beside me and ds wanders away from dh and tries to climb on top of me . But I keep doing it. I also have a hobby, which I try to squeeze in. All this puts a bit of extra pressure on evenings and weekends but I have decided it's necessary. Being a bit selfish is necessary. Then weekend evenings, after dc are asleep, we make a point of lighting the fire, opening a bottle of wine and watching a film.

Not sure what my point is - maybe that you have to grin and bear these early years, hold onto the idea that it will get better (most people say it will) and in the meantime force into your life things that make you feel better (now and about the future), even if they're only small. For me that's my yoga and healthy-ish living stuff and then weekend unhealthy chillout evenings.

That is way too long a post, sorry for rambling ...

I'm 28 and have an 18 month old DS and I feel the same. I have never been this tired or achy in my life! There's just so much to do everyday and it's non stop.

on the plus side as well, the two of them are the most hilarious people I've ever met! There is that.

''We had babies in our 40s'' and one is still in nappies, so how old are you and DH now OP, still in 40s? Early 50s?

I had my eldest 3 in my 20s and have had a fourth at 45. She's now 5. I had to post and say my bit.

I'm sympathetic but i don't see that the majority of your problems are specifically related to your age.

Feelings of being overwhelmed and isolated aren't constrained to older parents.
Being tired because of lack of sleep - same again.
Suffering from loss of loved ones - same.
The eyesight trouble - well my 23 year old and her fiance both wear strong prescription glasses.

No family, no cousins, no wider circle - were you both only children? Again - it's not your age to blame.

MN is here for a good moan, so i'm not blaming you for that. But, being blunt, blaming all your problems on your age wont help you when it comes seeking helpful solutions.

I'm nearly 40, 2 mid/late teens and a tween. I'm finished. Admittedly ds2 has care needs but bloody hell I am wrecked. I have no idea how people my age have the inclination or energy to go for drinks after work or rush out to do a park run. I'm in bed for 9 every night. Cannot imagine having a baby at this age!

You still have my sympathy though, parenting is bloody hard.

I have 2. One very late 30s other early 40s.

Never noticed the exhaustion thing apart from when they were new born.

Struggling now 20 years later.
But that is due to arthritis (goes away when I am in a hot country) and menopausal insomnia.

I think parents can sometimes make things harder for themselves by having too many rules and regulations and not giving themselves flexibility.

I was always amazed when mine were small how many mums would not be able to do something because at a certain time they had to get little one down for their nap as they always napped between 1pm -3pm.

I just judged when mine were tired and lay them down in their pram if I was out

Some parents would try and tell me the rules and timetables they stuck to but it made me exhausted just listening to it.

I would say relax. Do what you want, when you want and have only a few non negotiable rules.

Yeah I hear you. It's so tough. Especially when you have no support around you. DH'S family are basically busy doing other stuff/too old or whatever and my family live back in the UK.

I'm 37 and by god do I like having a quiet five minutes nowadays

If you look on the threads here you’ll see that what you’re experiencing is similar to most parents with young children. I don’t think age will make such a difference. Maybe a little! But early child rearing years are notoriously hard. I wouldn’t think much of the you’ve no grandparents for the kids due to your age. I had both grandparents until my Mam was 60! So that would be 20 years of kids having grandparents in your situation and I still have my grandmother. My DH on the other hand lost both parents when he was 30-31 so having kids at 30 would still mean no grandparents there. Chin up! It’ll all be fine.

I had my 2 at 39( and a half) and 42. I seem to recall being knackered when they were young, and DS2 did not sleep a whole night in his own bed until he was 8. However, once I got to my 50s, things were a lot better. The DC always seemed well balanced and school always said that they never seemed to panic about much, even though DH had health issues when DC1 was doing GCSE.
We lost our parents over a longer period of time, about 11 years so we did not have that amount of stress, although 3 of our parents suffered from dementia and needed a lot of support from us and our siblings. DS2 has just started work after a post grad year , I am retired and I am not sure I would have done it any other way.
But the years when they were young were hard.

I had my children in my 40's. Both are now in their early 20s and I have just emerged from about 15 years of being pulled in all directions. Elderly parents and teenagers and work.

It is like emerging from a tunnel into the sunlight. I was exhausted, utterly bone tired, all the time, even though DH was with me all the way.

DC are happy starting their own independent lives, so I too have my independence and can start planning a retirement. It is great to have young people in my life, and having children late has kept me young. We are also better off as we have almost paid off the mortgage on a bigger house than we would otherwise have had.

So yes it worked out. But it was tough, really tough, at the time

I was 27 and 35 when dc came along. The hardest part for me has been coping with being peri-menopausal whilst the youngest has been a teen and going through puberty.
At a time of life when I really could've done with curling up into a corner and concentrating on ME, I've had to pull myself up by the bootstraps and deal with puberty (female puberty...), secondary schools, teenage angst, GCSEs, A levels and now this year uni applications. I am probably over the worse menopausal symptoms.
I do appreciate that dd's particular path has not been straightforward and she has a few issues that maybe most other parents aren't having to deal with, but by god it's been hard work and there are days when I wonder if I will ever have two independent dc.
You grab at the chance of any break whatsoever, you fill yourself up with vitamins and supplements, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

(Bloody annoying that I have a relative about my age who had dc at 18 and 19. By 40 it was back to her and her dh, no sign of the blinking meno)

The days are long but the years are short

I agree with PP that it's more to do with having small children than your age - however I would say that as an older mum myself!

We have one daughter and I don't feel the same as you - we relocated away from family a few years ago and go back to see them (they never come to see us, another gripe of mine!) but I think there are benefits to being an older parent - we are financially stable, own our house and both have pensions so I stopped work to be a SAHM.

People lose family at all ages - my inlaws both died tragically early, yet their own parents survived into their late eighties and mid-nineties!

You seem to be feeling lonely - I can understand that, when we relocated it was hard to start again from scratch having no friends in the area - and it is hard to carve out time for yourself when you have young children. One of the reasons I have been a SAHM for so long is the lack of back up now we live away from family - it is a pain, I agree with you there!

But the energy is not an issue for me at the moment, and my own DD is still currently happy to do things with us.

Something seems to have triggered this for you OP - perhaps it is the potential assessment of your eldest - but honestly, I don't think it is your age if that is any comfort. You've just got a lot on your plate and that's tough however old you are

Not everyone has grandparents and cousins or family nearby. How about single parents or those with caring responsibilities for own parents. Also everyone with kids sacrifice time and energy... for hobbies, good sex, social life, work prospects and sanity regardless of their age (unless you are my DH )

Chin up, you are doig a fab job. I hated the baby toddler stage (but i have to say im now mentally burnt out despite 9-10 hours sleep nightly) Theres lots of advantages being older and wiser especially as your kids grow into little people who need you for your brains and hearts rather than changing nappies

Omg I know 2 girls from school who are now grandparents!!!

I don't know whether they are the lucky ones or not. I have no idea if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it could be bad if you have to do a lot of childminding but at least it wouldn't be 24/7??

I was a teenaged mother of all things and still had this. The complete exhaustion. Family dropping like flies. No one else had kids (no family in my generation and all my friends obviously weren’t at the point, still aren’t). And I was so tired. I still am so so tired. I am exhausted from parenthood. I’m exhausted from studying/starting out in a fairly demanding career. I’m exhausted from the constant and unexpected deaths/health problems/crises etc. I’m just shattered. Honestly there just isn’t ever going to be a right time to have young children. If you have anything else going on in your life chances are that you will be overwhelmed. I feel completely exhausted all the time and I also feel really fucking old. It’s just the way it is.

I know that this isn’t particularly comforting but I don’t want you to think that it would have all been different if you’d done it earlier because there just isn’t any way to know that it would have been.

I know this is really unhelpful but this is exactly the reason we had our first baby in our early 20s, I knew age 24 I already had less energy than when I was 18 and it doesn't tend to get easier. The only reason I am sharing this thought is because so many people judged us for having children 'young' by today's standards, and other people our age made smug comments about how they would rather party/travel/whatever and we were throwing our lives away, etc. I thought that was a really narrow-minded approach to life. Maybe we will travel and party in our 40s instead of our 20s. Travelling and partying is definitely less energy-consuming than having very young children.

The exhaustion has hit recently (50 with a 13, 12 and 9 year old who has complex needs)....up until the last couple of years I think any exhaustion was pretty standard young children close in age stuff(had dcs at 37, 38 and 41).

Years of poor sleep, juggling the needs of 3 children, dealing with ds's additional needs and making sure my mother (nearly 80) is ok has hit me like a comedy anvil recently, and I walk around with a slightly dazed expression on my face a lot of the time.

Yeah I have to meet with his teacher at 2 today and it has shaken me a bit which is so stupid cos the teacher doesn't actually think he has ASD, so it could be a storm in a teacup. But they clearly think there's a sensory problem but he's only 4 still and it's really rattled me that they're already pushing for a referral after just 2 months of school! Jesus, let the kid settle in a bit!

Its like the straw that broke the knackered camels back.

I need to go out to the pub with DH and get legless on big dirty pints, tbh.

I am going to make that happen. Definitely. Fuck it.