AIBU at husband abandoning contract

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Hi lovely people ! Will try try to keep short as I have a tendancy to waffle but I need a quick reality check ! (Again!) Dh is 3 months into a 12 month contract that is extremely well paid after previously being unemployed for 18 months. We have no savings, no assets and were scraping by at the point he accepted the contract. He has now hit a wall at work , everyone treats him like a contractor ie not part of the team , he hates being away from home mon-fri and hates going back . He has just ring me to say he is considering giving it up .He got himself so worked up panicking about a presentation he nearly had a full on panic attack. Due to him having form for quitting and letting people / us down , AIBU to tell him that if he walks away from this contract I will never be able to forgive him ? This contract is worth around 100k - I am only including this to show you all that with this amount of money we could actually afford to buy our own house and stop renting. AIBU to not be hugely sympathetic and wish he would get on with it ?

Do you think he is alcohol dependent? If so then this is a cycle that will just continue. Is he being treated for depression and anxiety? Does he engage with a GP and mental health services? Regularly? It is tough living with someone who is struggling. But it is tougher if they refuse to acknowledge it and accept help.

How often does he drink? And how often do you take it on yourself to organise things for him? Make life easier?

If he has an alcohol problem and is actively drinking, then this cycle will just continue. Endlessly. A change needs to be made. And it has to come from him acknowledging that he has a problem, or problems.

This is a difficult one and I can see it from both sides. I am a natural worrier, I constantly think the absolute worst is going to happen. Even though we're in a much better situation than you- own home with mortgage, no kids etc, I get annoyed sometimes with my husband as he is not a higher earner so if I lost my job we would struggle to meet outgoings.

So I think your husband may be feeling the bulk of the financial pressure is on him. I personally think it was hasty for you to go part time so quickly after but understand you were working away from home. Is there a way you can find a full time job relatively locally?

On the other hand, I think your husband needs to put up with it for another 9 months to be honest. What is he expecting to fall back on? Who will pay the rent and bills?

So why didn’t he do handyman work when he was out of work for 18 months? What’s so different about this time round? He couldn’t even manage to doctor his cv to get work delivering pizzas, ffs.

I’m so sorry @Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme, he’s never going to amount to anything and you’re back to shouldering the whole financial load again. What happens when you can’t handle the demands of work, you just grit your teeth and soldier on, don’t you? This would be a deal breaker for me.

By binning this contract he’s burnt his boats in his niche industry and committed career suicide. I have zero sympathy for him and massive amounts for you. My plans for the future wouldn’t include him.

You cannot help this man because he is an addict who will not engage with professional help. But you can help yourself by going to Al-Anon. You are an enabler and both of you are in denial.

He never had any intention of seeing this contract through, it was too far away from his emotional pin cushion, you, and why work when you can get someone else to do it for you? LOL @ 'local handyman' work, he couldn't even be arsed to a job in a pizzeria!

Money isn't everything, how exactly will you now pay the bills? With brass buttons?

Argh, MyDog, this outcome was so predictable, he's never going to work in his industry to his capacity, it's just not going to happen, so you either need to accept that he is incapable for whatever reason and live with that and support him honestly whilst adjusting your expectations about what life with him entails or bin him off because he's not able to be honest with himself, and until he does that it's just going to be a merry-go-round of disappointment and broken promises.

I'd give him one chance to sort himself out, but any ultimations must be meant. If he's not willing to engage, blusters or prevaricates, you have to make it 'not your problem any more', you need to be a wall, do not engage with his shit. If you're not ready to leave yet you have to have a 'cards on the table' discussion that makes it clear that you are at a turning-point and that the relationship will only continue if he addresses whatever it is that's causing the worms in his brain.

I'm sorry, OP, but I'm fuming on your behalf!

After 18 months of unemployment, during which he couldn't get any kind of job, he's going to jack in this well-paid opportunity and become a handyman...which he didn't do during those 18 months.

Ffs that's a ridiculous plan. Yes, he's unhappy in his current contract but there's only 9 months to go. If he sought help for his anxiety, he could get through it, it's not as if he's up at the North Pole. He can still see you all regularly and by this time next year, he'll be back home and you'll be far more financially secure.

I have diagnosed anxiety myself and I wouldn't throw this opportunity away, I'd be down to the doctor's to get help. He's being v. selfish. Grrrrrr.

YABU you’re not his master, I’d tell you to piss off and get your self a 100k pa job if you was that bothered about money. Heath is weath!

@Jaffacakebeast

I expect the OP will go back to full-time hours and cover all the bills as she did while he was out of work for 18 months. She'll continue to do the majority for the DC and household...as she also did for 18 months when he was spending most of his days in bed.

I feel sorry for her DH but he needs to get help for his problems. The OP can't fix him, he has to help himself.

I don’t feel sorry for him. The phrase “Man up” springs to mind.

I feel sorry for the OP because she's in denial enabling an addict. It's really sad, because you want to focus on the potential, the 'what he could be', the person who could have done really well for himself financially, but the reality is an alcoholic who doesn't want to work and won't as long as the OP puts up with it and enables it. So, so hope she finds Al-Anon and the support she needs, because he's not bothered about getting any or seeking it out other than using her as a emotional punching bag. Life can be so much better for her and her kids than life with an addict whose addiction comes first.

OP's choice is whether or not to continue housing and feeding an adult who is refusing to take financial responsibility for himself.

I've been in a situation very similar with my DH the past 9 months. He never used to earn very much, and was always on short contracts which he would struggle to find work after. The past 2 years his salary has been x5 what he made in a "good" year before.
We've gone from on the absolute bones of our arses to having a life, some stability etc.

The problem is he is an outside contractor, and not seen as part of his team at work, he's suffered a lot of alienation at work, and then spent the nights in a hotel on his own, at this point depression started to creep in. He's been really very unhappy.

We had to make some changes, he now travels to and from work each day, which is a 4hr commute, but it does mean he gets to enjoy dinner at home, and a cuddle with DD and has the opportunity to drink a cup of tea and let off steam about how he's often treated at work (verbal abuse is sadly not irregular. When his job upsets people he works with, as a group they'll generally start with name calling, and tell workers that he's unhappy with something they've done, resulting in tools being thrown at him)
Its a shit situation and he's wanted to walk away from that contract- and I have supported him in that decision, only for him to say that he needs to stay because if he walks away, when the client is an industry leader, he risks his chances of ever gaining work with them again.

My advice to you is simply save as much of his wage as you can, support him. See if there are any contracts more suited to him, if there are, help guide him in what training will maybe help him become the first person people will look to for the contract he will enjoy.

DH is hopefully starting another contract in two weeks time, he's leaving the current one early for another contract with the client, and I am hoping that it makes him happier, because at the moment he is unhappy, and also really hard to be around.

Also, as PP have said, therapy. He sounds like it would be very helpful to him

My advice to you is simply save as much of his wage as you can, support him.

RTFT, he has already decided to unilaterally leave the contract. She left out some important background information that was in another thread, however, and that is that this man is an alcoholic who has gone from job to job to unemployment, getting sacked, made redundant, she worked two jobs keeping them all afloat for the last 18 months whilst he did the bare minimum in the way of parenting and instead got drunk.

Hi all-apologies I have just read replies . Thank you everyone for taking time to post I really do appreciate it . He still has not gone back and is hoping they terminate the contract so he does not have to work his notice and he is currently looking for a new job . His remit includes delivery driver/courier and swimming pool technician. It's all feeling horribly familiar and I genuinely am feeling rather anxious of course but am trying to hide it and be supportive . Last time drink was definitely a factor, less so now . Will have to see how it goes I suppose - literally what choice do I have ? We have a little saved which I suppose - enough for covering bills for a couple of months and that is something we did not have before . Thanks everyone for helping and giving me that little sanity check . Blink ing love Mumsnet tribe xxx

I think you should have a look at what you would be entitled to if it was just you and the kids, at the least it would let you know your options.
I really feel for you. I had an ex who would constantly move jobs or be sacked, looking back I can’t believe the stress and anxiety. When we broke up I was poorer but I was in charge and didn’t have the constant sick feeling anymore. I wish you the best of luck for the future

Thank you postmanbear xx sorry if I sound a bit self pitying ! But thank you xx hope your life is much happier now xx thanks again xx

Good on you OP for trying to keep your wits about you!

I'm at a loss as to how he thinks to be a delivery driver/courier or swimming pool technician doesn't come without stresses of their own. is he just pulling careers out of a hat to justify leaving his contract early?