AIBU at husband abandoning contract

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Hi lovely people ! Will try try to keep short as I have a tendancy to waffle but I need a quick reality check ! (Again!) Dh is 3 months into a 12 month contract that is extremely well paid after previously being unemployed for 18 months. We have no savings, no assets and were scraping by at the point he accepted the contract. He has now hit a wall at work , everyone treats him like a contractor ie not part of the team , he hates being away from home mon-fri and hates going back . He has just ring me to say he is considering giving it up .He got himself so worked up panicking about a presentation he nearly had a full on panic attack. Due to him having form for quitting and letting people / us down , AIBU to tell him that if he walks away from this contract I will never be able to forgive him ? This contract is worth around 100k - I am only including this to show you all that with this amount of money we could actually afford to buy our own house and stop renting. AIBU to not be hugely sympathetic and wish he would get on with it ?

No wonder male suicide is so high when they get pressure Like this off their own wife.

I wonder how much pressure OP felt when she had a husband and family to provide for on her own for 18 months? I have been the main earner for my entire married life, and I have had episodes where I'd rather have stabbed my eyes out than go in to work. But I also know that without that regular wage i would have more stress and problems so during bad times I took it one day (one hour, sometimes) at a time, and during good times I tried to build in strategies to cope with the bad.

So no answers to that - but dealing with the stress of contract working sounds like the first priority for your DH because that is probably key. And also looking around for something more regular that he would be able to cope with mentally, even if it's less money.

he knows what he is doing etc etc but his actual words just then were ' they need to see how much work I put into that report , and sort out the queries , so they can see how it's done. If I am not there , they gave to work it out for themselves ' wtf logic is that ?

That is the stress speaking and the not feeling part of the team. I've always put more stress on myself to do a good job and cover all bases than anyone else has put on me (and I have had the most stressful bosses ever) and that is something I've finally recognised and am finally starting to cut out the unnecessary stuff. It is ok to achieve 85% sometimes, as long as the basic job is done.

The other thing is: actually nobody is indespensible. When I left my last job i felt, and lots of others felt, that nobody could replace me. Sure, they couldn't because i'd had a 15 year head start. I knew the job and the company and the people inside out. I made them a manual of how to do the various parts of it, and before I left i mentally let go of it all. They will make mistakes, most likely, but they'll learn from them. They won't do the job the same way your DH does, but they'll find their own best way. And yes, they will finally realise what goes into doing the job -but chances are, they won't do some/a lot of the stuff he does. That's how work functions.

Good luck.

OP
I am going to come at this from a different angle.
Who is supporting you?
Do you spend your life rescuing him whilst neglecting your own needs?
Are you making sacrifices to keep things easy for him?
Do you get the same support back from him?

If not, I think you might benefit from some counselling yourself otherwise you could end up in a codependent relationship which is healthy for either of you.

You can’t save him from himself; he has to do that.

I think he needs to suck it up BUT...get him to get counseling re the panick attacks and stress. It can lead to serious psychological problems. My husband is a year into this, I am the only earner and it is very hard. He is trying to get back to work but cannot face his own exacting field yet. He is trying with stuff way beyond his level but he hasn't been taken on. I think they wonder why he is downsizing...

It does sound like he's decided to leave already.

This is a self fulfilling prophecy op. He's now off so much and clearly not performing well that it's likely they will terminate at some point.

So bottom line is I suspect either he quits, or they fire him, and they may also have talked about performance improvement. Likely something more behind his behaviour.

I think you likely need to accept it's just a matter of time now. When. Not if.

So was he supportive to you when you were working the 2 jobs to keep the roof over your kids' heads the last 18 months? Was he an attentive and involved parent and the house clean and tidy and the kids fed with healthy meals? I've asked several times. Let me guess . . .

You are co-dependent on this man who is an alcoholic and fundamentally believes he is too good for lifework and work in general and never feels respected enough, appreciated enough etc.

Not really timshelthechoice- he just about functioned day to day . Afterwards he admitted he often used to go back to bed after dropping kids to school . I suspect he was probably depressed , fuelled and kept down by alcohol.
SVRT19674 - it's a very hard road job hunting. My dh could not even get a pizza delivery job - overqualified so they assume he will just leave when he gets a better offer . O hope for you and your family your DH has more luck XXX

Actually - do you know what - you are right . He always seems to be finding it difficult when he gets no acknowledgment or appreciation. His long term company were very good at that and so perhaps he has an expectation. As I said before , we are from the south and so the northern directness has affected him a little too . He is on his way home now ( it's a 5 hour drive) and I am at work trying to research help and act all supportive when actually I feel quite angry and frustrated . It will take all my reserves and patience to not get cross I think

Brefugee - I hadn't thought of that - thank you for your post . ChazsBrilliantAttitude - thank you - I am ok most of the time . Just tired of the worry . But thank you for the different angle .

Chaz* has nailed it here. You're not allowed to emote, only he is, you have to be patient, research all this shit, work two jobs whilst he was not proactive about sorting out his mental health instead just being alcoholic.

I've known people who were doctors in other countries and had to flee their native countries who got pizza jobs here. You know how? Their attitude. They didn't expect someone to praise them like a 5-year-old every shift or they couldn't cope.

He's an adult and an intelligent one, clever enough to realise that your remuneration is how an employer shows its acknowledgement in most jobs, and that contractors may be approached differently because they are just that.

Stoptober is not a cure for alcoholism, only permanently quitting and getting support for your mental illness (which you have to own and be responsible for (I have severe PTSD, depression and anxiety myself but don't drink alcohol at all (I get hangovers that's why I quit years ago BUT I also know it's a serious depressant)).

Sadly you are enabling an alcoholic who cannot keep a job and won't get help for his mental health and alcoholism.

DH is having anxiety because he's an alcoholic. His stress reaction is withdrawal - not work.

The nicey-nicey approach is, sadly, the free pass all alcoholics need to stay drunk.

OP, it's crunch time for you. DH won't admit it - will you?

He wants to do a job that is less pressure and can not be away

Then he needs to find that mythical job & secure it before leaving his current contract.

FFS £100k a year prives he's capable so why was he idle unemployed for 18 months? That, coupled with him having form for throwing the towel in is worrying. He wants to leave without consequences because he expects OP to pick up the tab as usual.

Been there, done that. Don't stand for it OP. You'll end up skint & resentful.

OP I was the main earner. I had a miscarriage, lost a close family member and lost my job within the space of a month. XH did not offer any support really. I was just to get through the panic attacks and go back to work and earn his keep. Which I did then walked out on him a few years later. Still furious at his lack of support.

Your H sounds a pain and I'd really struggle with his work ethic but if he's honestly not coping I'd be wary of acting on the advice of posters who say he can quit when he's got another job.

I would feel the same way. You’re not asking him to work in a drug smuggling cartel in Columbia. He should be able to cope with the pressure of a normal job. If he can’t then he should seek help instead of quitting.

He always seems to be finding it difficult when he gets no acknowledgment or appreciation. His long term company were very good at that and so perhaps he has an expectation. As I said before , we are from the south and so the northern directness has affected him a little too.

This sounds like he's just making excuses and he's a bit of a pampered primadonna. Which you can't be when you're a contractor. You get paid more money than permanent staff for a reason. You're expected to deliver. High quality output at pace. The recognition comes in the form of cold hard cash paid into your bank account.

It really sounds like contracting isn't suitable for him. He lacks the drive, the energy and the commitment. And he's far too ego-driven/emotionally engaged. It also sounds like he cracks under pressure and runs away. That doesn't help anyone. His client will be pretty pissed off that he's had two unplanned weeks off so recently. Especially when this recent one is at a critical time.

I also think the North-South 'divide' excuse is utter bullshit. I can't believe you're even trotting this one out OP. Is this what he's told you?? More likely that his client isn't happy with him and they're telling him exactly what they're not happy with in the expectation that he'll fix it. Instead he's running away.

I'll add here that I'm currently contracting - having been redundant from a permanent role. I've contracted before, I've been a consultant (for a big name global consultancy), I've had permanent roles. The demands and presures on contractors can be high but that's why you get paid a premium. You're there to do a job and no-one cares if you're sick or if you're unhappy. You just need to do the job you're paid for. It doesn't sound like your DH is doing this and I imagine he's at risk of losing this role. Which is exactly what he wants to happens, isn't it?

You're in a tough position OP. I don't think you can threaten him (as per your original post) as I think he genuinely isn't capable of meeting the demands of this role. Being capable 75% of the time isn't good enough. He needs to look for roles with less responsibility (and less pay I'm afraid) to stand a fighting chance of sticking it out.

Oh dear. If he’s had 2 weeks off this month it does sound as if he is sabotaging.

Honestly I’d be packing his bags for him. He can come home when he has sorted out his issues and can maintain a job so that he is also supporting the family. You won’t have time to help him as you will be picking up his slack.

He had 18 months unemployed already, who does that!? Certainly no one who cared about the welfare of their family.

And the ‘too overskilled for jobs’ excuse is honestly just an excuse. I don’t think any pizza delivery drivers are in it for the long haul. It is a stop gap for everyone.

And there are flexible jobs out there. He need to apply and then talk about what he can offer them. They may not be paid wonderfully but they are a backup if he needs it. If he is doing insecure contracts he needs a backup job for the downtime.

But if he’s sabotaging this job so quickly is he even going to be able to get another job in this area again? Maybe he needs to just step down into a lower role.

Well as an update fwiw - dh came home on Thursday , we have had a bumpy weekend . He woke me up this morning at 6 am saying he is going to leave the contract he has decided. He has told me why and all the reasons including but not limited to feeling isolated, missing the children , lonlieness, imposter syndrome and money isn't everything. He is leaving before lining up another -any- job . He is going to get a bit of casual general handyman jobs locally until he finds something more permanent. So the choice is kind of out of my hands now anyway wish us luck thanks to each and every one of you I really appreciate it very much I really do and people sharing their stories

It does sound like he really couldn’t cope with it. I hope there is some relief in that at least for him and then for you.

Karwomannghia thank you for your reply xx me too ! Xx

I empathise OP . My DP has had long periods of not working due to redundancy, being sacked and suffering with depression. I have worked all the hours I can to support the family. We still have a teenager at home. DP now has a very poorly paid job with little responsibility but he hates it and wants to leave and retire despite having no retirement provision except state pension which he won't get for another 5 years.
I refuse to take on full responsibility for supporting us again . I have told him he must find other employment before he leaves though I suspect he may get dismissed as he has taken a lot of sick leave.

Sorry OP you updated while I was typing . Good Luck .

Thomas Cook staff have all been taken on by Hays travel.

Your DH is massively unhappy. The contract isn’t the right one for him. He needs to sort out another contract/job ASAP so he can jump ship. Encourage him in that direction rather than walking out.

Will he be able to pick up general handyman work?

You are co-dependent on this man who is an alcoholic and fundamentally believes he is too good for lifework and work in general and never feelsrespectedenough, appreciated enough etc.

Yeah, I've been here although thankfully without children and it's rubbish.

OP, I've just read the whole thread and I remember your previous one. Take care of yourself, I hope you can form a solid support network for yourself for when you are feeling rock bottom. I hope it's not another year and a half before he finds employment again.

Did he drink while he was at home?

I think he needs some therapy or mental health to manage his anxiety

I think you need to get back into work so it’s not all on his shoulders . Get back into the shitty world Of office politics OP