AIBU at husband abandoning contract

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Hi lovely people ! Will try try to keep short as I have a tendancy to waffle but I need a quick reality check ! (Again!) Dh is 3 months into a 12 month contract that is extremely well paid after previously being unemployed for 18 months. We have no savings, no assets and were scraping by at the point he accepted the contract. He has now hit a wall at work , everyone treats him like a contractor ie not part of the team , he hates being away from home mon-fri and hates going back . He has just ring me to say he is considering giving it up .He got himself so worked up panicking about a presentation he nearly had a full on panic attack. Due to him having form for quitting and letting people / us down , AIBU to tell him that if he walks away from this contract I will never be able to forgive him ? This contract is worth around 100k - I am only including this to show you all that with this amount of money we could actually afford to buy our own house and stop renting. AIBU to not be hugely sympathetic and wish he would get on with it ?

Well if it was me, I would suck it up and carry on. Actually I have done that in the past.
However, I’m also the worst one to look after myself and made myself ill in the process so I’m wondering if this is such a good idea.

It all depends on what ‘panic attack’ he had. A ‘nearly’ full on panic attack for me is not a panic attack. It’s being very anxious and stressed out. Overwhelmed. But all of that can be managed with some self care/relaxation and breathing technique etc...
A proper full on attack is a different ball park. You cant function with one and wouod struggle to function afterwards (at least not me)

YANBU. This will hugely benefit the family, and it does not sound like he's being bullied or anything, just that he's not welcomed as a long lost brother. I've had panic attacks as my boss was a total nightmare, but I didn't just quit, as family sort of likes to eat occasionally.

I think he just needs to work on his panic and not run away. He’s quarter of the way through already. I support him to stay and focus on finding something less stressful at the end of the contract.

Tell him to man up and get a grip

Please don't say this to him.

If he can secure a contractor post for £100k he must have skills and experience to secure a job? Unless its niche and people just need people with his skillset for projects etc rather than all the time I guess; but has he explored all avenues in terms of job opportunities? Can he go out of his field with transferrable skills, for example? He says about being treated like a contractor, that's unfortunately common where I have worked, I think people are worried about going to the otherside of IR35 and the culture of distancing has crept back in. Is there anything in particular which is causing him stress? Or is it a combination of being away from him support network and the huge demands? It sounds like it would be make a huge difference to your family money wise, so if it's something that can be resolved it's worth him trying maybe- but as others have said, if not then his health is more important.

Thank you for the presentation tips - I think that is a great idea for supporting him - practical help . Thank you all also for sharing similar experiences xx unemployment is a poison in a marriage and rather insidiously creeps up . I feel I have done everything in my remit , tried to be understanding but I feel he is a little mollycoddled and, whilst I will be gentler given his panic , I suspect I would be better supporting him to ' push through ' as someone said up the thread .

I think he needs to stick it out until he finds another job to move to. In the meanwhile he can look at doing CBT to help him with his anxiety.
He was happy for you to work away from home so now he has to do it for a short while. If he quits will you have to go back to working away?

People with contracts can become part of the team if they prove themselves.
It must be stressful, he's known his previous job inside out during those 20 years, he's in a totally different situation he needs to get used to and that can't be easy.
I'm sure there's some over the counter medication, anxiety reducing herbs etc he could try rather than quit straight away.
It's a lot of money and a very good opportunity for him, and I'd try every way to try and get over this hurdle.

This is a rare opportunity for the family to buy a property. Most people would push through one hell of a lot of discomfort to do this for their family. Panic attacks are horrible but they are not the end of the world, nor do they necessarily pressage a breakdown. Get him to a GP for an assessment and some short term help. People on here predicting the worse in terms of his mental health are probably not medically qualified so I would ignore them.

Tricky, but many people slog away in jobs for YEARS that they hate to keep their family afloat , without the relative short term commitment and pretty healthy financial reward.
Once you have a family you have responsibilities and from what you say I would be concerned that he is ducking these, rather than anything else, but only know him well enough to judge. I certainly would be very disappointed that he wasn't giving it more of a go, and I think you are entitled to say so.

Hi OP

I understand your frustrations. I'd be trying to focus on the positives. Hes already done 3 months. In 5 weeks he will actually be a third of the way through then a couple of months later he will be half way through.

Can you encourage him to do something to help manage his stress - CBT, yoga, exercise etc. Start some sort of social thing for contractors in his area so he still feels part of a team and has a social life? Book a holiday for when he gets to half way through to celebrate? Could you take a holiday and travel to him for a couple of days with the kids to cheer him up? If he does really need to quit are there no penalties? Would he find another job first?

Id be livid if my DH did this, we all have stresses we all have hard jobs, I would say no YANBU

Thanks all - if he quits without lining something else up then yes it is entirely likely I will go work away again ( more money to plug the gap ) he does have transferable skills I think bit mostly what he does is industry niche - think technical engineer type thing . Maybe cbt and or coping skills will help m he is very sensitive to how people are with him so being treated as different to part of the team is hard on him . Plus we are from the south and the job is in the north and everyone is very direct and no nonsense which he struggles with a bit ! But it all piles up - he was doing ok till now , then he worked ten days straight preparing a massive report which was rejected and stalled at the last hurdle on Monday whilst he took a day off and could not be there to sort it .hope that makes sense . So then he gets massively overwhelmed and panics. Not a full on attack but definitely a red flag .

He needs to put his big boy pants on.
I did loads of massively stressful shitty jobs as a single mum to keep my family going and make sure they had decent Xmas and birthdays.
He has a short contract and will not die because of it.if you constantly back out of difficult situations you learn nothing and achieve nothing.
Life is tough. It gets easier the more you challenge your boundaries.

I am an RVN so I can slog my guts out all I like and I still rarely earn much in comparison . I don't think my expectations are unreasonable in respect of wanting a stable , secure home for my family !

No, your expectations are fine; but your want for that to come from your husband doing a job he hates so that you can work three days a week doing a job you chose that is low paid might be...

And I mean that with love. I would have loved to be a RVN, I couldn't because it doesn't pay enough full time, let alone part time.

Would you be willing to swap to a full time job that is better paid but you enjoy less, so he could find a job that he hates less and you could meet in the middle?

Otherwise this seems destined to fail, be that now when he leaves and you think he shouldn't, or down the line when he's months into a job he hates and he ends up on sick leave and hating it. If he's really struggling with the job, it tends to end one of those ways.

Ok some brilliant advice - will research into some natural remedies. Funnily enough he has started to yoga and swimming in his spare time up there and I can certainly take the children up there - bit tricky as they have such busy social engagements all the time ! But some really good , sound advice thank you all xx

I can completely sympathise. I am 100% better as part of a team, and I hate hate hate the individual pressure placed on me, at times, doing the job that I do, in terms of presentations etc. But I do it, for the 75% that I am excellent and that I enjoy. If my entire family unit depended on me doing that extra 25% then I would make it work. In fact, I do this for my own self esteem anyway. But seriously, if his mental health is suffering YABU for issuing ultimatums. I get where you're coming from, but it depends to what degree he is suffering as a result of his job/sacrifices.

I’ve been in a smiler situation (although dh was not earning anywhere near that). He was in a well paid role that was making him extremely stressed and unhappy and required him being away mon-fri. He wanted to take a much lower paid role that was much riskier in term of security. I didn’t really want him too but ultimately it’s his choice. He took it and is much happier. I agreed to take him for richer or poorer after all. YAB totally U in saying you ‘won’t forgive him’. He’s your husband and unless you married for his earning potential alone you should be more supportive, especially if he’s struggling with his mental health.

Lots of people have to ‘suck it up’ for a lot less money than that.
My dad, my kids, me at times.

I'd say he can quit - but when he has something else to support his family with - ie. firm contract which is signed. It sounds like you need to get out of a bit financial hole so hopefully this should go some way to helping that. Meanwhile, what are you doing to earn and put cash into the family pot?

One thing you need to tell him is that he is treated as a ‘contractor’ rather than a staff member because there has to be a clear difference between employees and staff for the purposes of IR35 rules. It’s not personal but the boundary, such as lack of staff perks and benefits and even not being included in team things has to be there or the company can get into trouble for not employing people correctly. It’s not personal it’s just something that companies have to be more careful of now. Maybe this will help his mindset a bit.

@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme it's hard isn't it, I think as well permeant staff can be resentful of contractors who are on significantly more pay than them but working in the same office. Even though they are vital and do an important job, it does cause tension which isn't personal (unless your DH is a pain in the arse haha). But anyone in his shoes would likely be treated the same way, it's office dynamics and whilst not pleasant, hopefully he can remember that he was awarded the contract for his skills, and he won't have to see those people again after 9 months. It might bulk his CV up enough so he can land a job near home. Has he looked into something like the civil service or one of their suppliers for a job?

Get him to have a look at these

www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/

www.nhs.uk/apps-library/category/mental-

They may give him some more coping strategies

I think you should put it better. Encourage him to stay, talk through his issues, is there any way he can do the job without having to present? If you put pressure on him he’ll get more stressed. Try to help him, can he practise presenting to you for example?

He should stay and not quit though. If he quits he might never work again

www.nhs.uk/apps-library/category/mental-health/

Working link to the apps