AIBU at husband abandoning contract

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Hi lovely people ! Will try try to keep short as I have a tendancy to waffle but I need a quick reality check ! (Again!) Dh is 3 months into a 12 month contract that is extremely well paid after previously being unemployed for 18 months. We have no savings, no assets and were scraping by at the point he accepted the contract. He has now hit a wall at work , everyone treats him like a contractor ie not part of the team , he hates being away from home mon-fri and hates going back . He has just ring me to say he is considering giving it up .He got himself so worked up panicking about a presentation he nearly had a full on panic attack. Due to him having form for quitting and letting people / us down , AIBU to tell him that if he walks away from this contract I will never be able to forgive him ? This contract is worth around 100k - I am only including this to show you all that with this amount of money we could actually afford to buy our own house and stop renting. AIBU to not be hugely sympathetic and wish he would get on with it ?

Are you the poster whose husband is an alcoholic and works in the pharmaceutical industry?

If so, I remember your other threads and I think he's always going to let you down. I'd make plans that do not rely on him in any way.

So he gets defensive with you and thinks the people who are paying him need to pick apart his work rather than his showing them what's he's been paid to do and you are the one walking on eggshells. Wow. As for 'Get him to the GP', he's an adult, you can't force someone to go to a GP.

And he was just unemployed for 18 months? Who took care of the kids whilst you were working two jobs stressed out of your gourd keeping the wolf from the door? Was the house spotless? All the work done?

If he's contract then I can almost guarantee they can terminate that contract for his just not showing up.

My husband used to have severe panic disorder he went to work every day. He lots of things to cope with his disorder because he wanting to be a functioning adult.

What is your husband doing to cope with the difficulties that he's experiencing? The things you've said seem like things that many people deal with and are not insurmountable with the right support and approach.

'Your OP reads like you’re ’expecting’ him to provide for your house, lifestyle etc. It’s only reasonable to explain what you bring to the partnership in return'

'Yes - and be prepared to find another meal ticket'

'Are you working? Why does it all fall on his shoulders?'

He was unemployed for the last 18 months. Who was his meal ticket then? Whose shoulders did all the bills fall to then? What was he bringing to the partnership at that time?

My OH gave up a prestigious professional career at the age of 42. It threw our whole lives into confusion - we had to sell our home and downsize; I had to go to work full time; children lost out on some of the material things of life etc. But the children (now adult) have always said that they learned something important from it - that work does not own you; that the burdens within a family should be shared; that sometimes you have to make sacrifices.

He gave it up with my blessing as he could not have survived the pressure. I have never regretted it - it was the right thing to do.

I am not saying that this is necessarily the right thing for you and your family - just that it felt right for us.

Even more so now that he has a neurological degenerative disorder - at least I know that he had some good life before that hit him between the eyes.

There came a point where I too became exhausted and I went part time and he did some locums and we ticked along. We lost out on huge financial rewards in favour of health and well-being.

I do however understand that making these decisions might be harder for some because of employment opportunities.

Posters who suggest financing and supporting adult men is a splendid goal for the contemporary woman may have not understood basic feminism correctly

No one has said that he shouldn't work at all, but all this ‘man up’ shit, I though we had moved past those sort of stereotypes. I would question why he had been out of work for 18 months prior to this, but also doesn’t this prove that you don’t really need to earn 100k to cover your bills? He could get a lower paying job with less pressure. It sounds like he might have a bit of a problem with drinking op? Has he struggled with his mental health for some time? High paying roles obviously come with high pressure and responsibility and it really sounds like you want him to be something he can’t quite manage. Ultimately I think this will lead to an unhappy relationship.

All he has to do is knuckle down - he is away Mon-Fri so he can focus, that is the deal.

Thank you Mishappening for sharing that - sounds tough for you and your family x
Solihooley yes perhaps you are right . Perhaps i am expecting more of him than he can give . Yes he has always used alcohol as a crutch , and perhaps he is trying to tackle too much .sigh .

YANBU but you need to be very careful as he sounds like the job is affecting his mental health in a negative way. You do need to listen and try and support him but that doesn't necessarily mean he needs to quit straight away.
Can you go up for a night every couple of weeks? Could you arrange to speak at a certain time everyday during the work day, break time, straight after work? It is difficult being away from home especially if he isn't receiving friendly treatment at work.
Could he reduce his hours to 4 days and be home a day earlier and drive home on Thursdays? Perhaps he would manage better that way.

YABU. I imagine you'd double his stress and anxiety by threatening him with things like "I'll never forgive you". Would you ever even consider saying the same to him if he was visibly ill or disabled? Please try encourage and reassure him, this is where he needs support not threats.

Tell him to man up and get a grip

^^ That is an absolutely outrageous and tragic comment.

LikeyourHairyHands- yup rumbled ! I just wanted some anon advice ..

Bollox we all have to keep knuckle down and do things we don't want for our families. I have major anxiety every time I have to give a presentation and don't sleep for a month.
I don't opt out of life by claiming mental health it's an insult to people who genuinely have mental health problems.

It really, really depends on whether this man would benefit from some professional MH support or whether he is a lazy whinyarse. the fact that he was given such a high-paying job in the first place does suggest that it is more likely to be MH issues. Could you perhaps suggest he sees a doctor? Anti-depressants or counselling might help.

YABVU. He’s at a point where he’s having a panic attack and you think he should just ‘get on with it’? And your justification is that YOU crave financial security? How about if YOU suck it up and do what you feel is necessary to earn that kind of money, instead of demanding he do it or you’ll tell him you can’t forgive him for quitting? I’ve never heard of anything so selfish in my life. What exactly are you contributing to this plan for financial stability? If the situation was reversed and it was your DH demanding you continue in a job you hate and is giving you anxiety attacks, everyone would be telling you to quit and LTB, but for some reason, some posters here think it’s alright to just tell him to suck it up. Unbelievable.

Look I am not an expert on MH and well-being of course - most of us aren't. I am trying to work out if my stance should be encourage him to dig deep and push through or to do what he feels is best for his mental health and we will work it out obviously . ?

He needs to put his own mental wellbeing first. I think it is ludicrous for people to say that he needs to knuckle down for 9 months. 9 months is a long time when you're having panic attacks and feeling so stressed. If your DH does 'knuckle down', I can almost guarantee that he will make himself seriously ill.

Money is money. If he loses out on this contract and you can't afford the house...you have your DH. I would be putting my DH's health and wellbeing before any money.

A friend of mine had panic attacks all the way through uni. It’s not a reason to give up work. It’s a reason to focus on resolving them.

TheHonestTruth what would you suggest as an alternative? There there, don't worry. Stay at home. It's okay if you lose your job. We'll be homeless, but at least you won't feel panicked by the idea of going to work and can hide under a duvet and sob into my arms. Much better alternative than acting like an adult. Sometimes being tough is to be kind.

IamWaggingBrenda - no ! on all counts that is absolutely NOT what I am asking the MN collective for advice for !

thisisthend- exactly - the thought of trying to support him whilst he debates his next career move - (we have been through many many ideas ..) mentally exhausting . I am not sure i can go through this again . Sorry just being totally honest.

Maybe there's a bit in between in helping him first to see if he can get help to coping. And that will tell you a lot if he's willing to do that. There are a lot of people that have panic and anxiety disorders etc or struggling and collapse under work. And there is some that find they can't make a go of it.but many go through the options first and try and get some help. whether that be meditative or counselling or CBT or medication. There are ways to cope and some,infact many many do.
So could that be a supportive middle ground?trying to just get him through to the end of this current contract.and then say you can discuss the future jobs and how to make it easier for him.

@thisisthend

As I said, ENCOURAGEMENT. Not threats.

I hope you're not suggesting that anxiety and/or depressions is a sign of "not being an adult".

I know money is not everything but in my experience only people who have it say that !
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This is very true, especially when you have children. If the contract value is a good size then use some of it for training in basic presentation and project skills which will enable him to function in that role.

If he is in a niche area and can't find permanent work in 18 months and can't cope with contract work he needs to retrain or take a job for which he is not trained whatever it is. That is life as a parent.

How willing was he to look at alternative (if lower skilled) work when unemployed? When you were away for work did he do the full house husband role or were you juggling most of that as well? Or was he just focusing on his niche area knowing you were earning enough to cover costs?

My dh is in an insecure, although at times high paid, contractual career. He also has taken contracts where the work environment is genuinely toxic.

Now we’ve been together for nearly 2 decades so from experience this is what he (we) does.

When a contract looks like it’s becoming untenable he starts looking for another contract straight away. He also has a second job that he works in year round and when he’s unemployed he picks up more shifts (so essentially he is never unemployed).

Also I went back to full time work as soon as I could and we budget around my salary and his second job. His earnings are invested as savings and over time this has really made great financial gains. I’m not on a brilliant salary myself (40k) and cost of living is high where we are but doing the above really reduces the negative impact of having a difficult career like his.

Ideally he would retrain and move into something else but ultimately he does enjoy it and we are doing well and neither of us are feeling pressured.