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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU at husband abandoning contract

192 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 16/10/2019 19:22

Hi lovely people ! Will try try to keep short as I have a tendancy to waffle but I need a quick reality check ! (Again!) Dh is 3 months into a 12 month contract that is extremely well paid after previously being unemployed for 18 months. We have no savings, no assets and were scraping by at the point he accepted the contract. He has now hit a wall at work , everyone treats him like a contractor ie not part of the team , he hates being away from home mon-fri and hates going back . He has just ring me to say he is considering giving it up .He got himself so worked up panicking about a presentation he nearly had a full on panic attack. Due to him having form for quitting and letting people / us down , AIBU to tell him that if he walks away from this contract I will never be able to forgive him ? This contract is worth around 100k - I am only including this to show you all that with this amount of money we could actually afford to buy our own house and stop renting. AIBU to not be hugely sympathetic and wish he would get on with it ?

OP posts:
IndieTara · 16/10/2019 21:03

Op i mean this in the nicest possible way but panic attacks never killed a person.
Your DH will need to learn coping strategies as in my experience if he starts to get them regularly he will probably always have them to some extent.
He has to still live life, work, be part of the family etc
The worst thing he can do is give in to a panic attack, he honestly needs to push through and work out what works best for him in dealing with them.0

AutumnRose1 · 16/10/2019 21:07

indie "i mean this in the nicest possible way but panic attacks never killed a person"

I mean this in the nicest possible way, really I do...panic attacks, anxiety and depression haven't killed me yet, but it's a pretty good bet they'll be the cause of my death by overdose!

Girlmeetsbook · 16/10/2019 21:11

Please totally ignore any 'suck it up' or man up advice! The man's having/verge of panic attacks which means his anxiety levels are sky high.

People have probably said already but focus on not leaving the situation but trying to change what he can and ease the situation around what he can't.
Panic attacks: resources such as Anxiety UK, the book Dare
Presentation nerves: cognitive techniques but also beta blockers dampen the bodies physical stress reaction. They can be used on an ongoing or situation by situation basis
Being a contractor: toughie but either some cognitive techniques e.g reframing the situation as one where he's going to practice relationship building etc etc

Basically break this mass of situation up into it's composite parts and tackle each part. By the time he's worked through the contract may well be up or he'll have done his best.
I have anxiety and work in a stressful role, public speaking etc- the above is all from first hand experience.

thisisthend · 16/10/2019 21:14

Girlmeetsbook Man up is the best advice there is, as someone who experiences severe anxiety, my experience is it's best just to push through. If everyone let panic attacks ruin there lives, then there would be no one to run the country. We are breeding a society of saps who can't deal with reality.

Solihooley · 16/10/2019 21:14

Good lord. Suicide is the biggest cause of death in men under 50. Telling men to ‘man up’, eye rolling, suggesting they are just ‘putting it on’ to get out of Woking hard is exactly what causes men to suffer in silence (and lots of men hide it so well their spouses have no idea they are mentally ill) and not seek help. I wonder what the response would be if it were a woman posting that she was unhappy working in a stressful role away from her family and wanted to quit?

Luna9 · 16/10/2019 21:16

It will affect his future career if he quicks now; specially after being off for 18 months. Can he take time off as annual leave? He needs to treat his anxiety and stress, perhaps see a therapist or use alternative medicine. I think he also needs support and encouragement not blackmailing.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 16/10/2019 21:25

Sorry everyone have just had a long conversation with dh.- he is ok but is up there and did not go to work yesterday or today . Hedoes not intend to go in tomorrow either Sad I was supportive but mostly i just let him talk .I have since sent him the NHS link - thank you for that it looks like a good place to find some of the resources he might need .I really like the advice up thread from someone who said break it down into different sections and have different tactics to apply to each one. I think he will appreciate the logic of that. I assure you all I will not actually utter the words 'man up ' as I hate that expression - it is disrespectful to both sexes ! I will be supportive and listen but I will also gently try to make him understand how worried I am too . We can talk this weekend . He is doing sober October and I also suspect that it is not a coincidence that he is feeling so much more anxious as that is a BIG coping mechanism for him personally and professionally so am sure that has a role to play x

OP posts:
IndieTara · 16/10/2019 21:26

@AutumnRose1 I'm really sorry you're being affected so badly by these issues and hope you're able to access some help.
I know everybody is different but happily I've managed to get past most of my anxiety and depression although it's taken years but I can cope with them now.
But the panic attacks have never really gone away and at times of great stress they can still floor me

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 16/10/2019 21:27

I will not emotionally blackmail anyone either . We are a team so we will tackle it together . Thank you all so very much for taking the time to post.- I really am so so grateful Flowers

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 16/10/2019 21:27

I wonder what the response would be if it were a woman posting that she was unhappy working in a stressful role away from her family and wanted to quit?

Exactly the same.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 16/10/2019 21:28

Yes alsohuman - I agree that I would hope that it would be in this day and age !

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 16/10/2019 21:29

Enjoying his job about 25% of the time sounds normal to me... Sit down with him and work out what he needs to do to fill the role. Explain that it doesn't matter if he's not popular, what matters is if he can complete the contract within the time. Maybe he's putting himself under pressure when he doesn't need to. There's a lot of money at stake for him to just walk away. Can you offer to help him via facetime in the evenings and see if that helps?

I have to say though, the fact that he's a serial quitter is not promising...

Drabarni · 16/10/2019 21:32

There's more to life than money, you were struggling but just managed.
I'd tell him to give it up, get back home and get a local job that doesn't pay so much but gives a good quality of life.
But thats me, I don't like too surplus money.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 16/10/2019 21:36

In my experience people who say that' there is more to life than money' tend to have it !Grin but joking aside , I can try to help but clearly I am not qualified - I can support as best I can .

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 16/10/2019 21:37

He will be terminated for ditching work that much, won't he? As much as it sucks, bills need paying. I'm so sorry, but I couldn't live like this. He's effectively letting himself get the sack by not going in.

expat101 · 16/10/2019 21:38

My feeling is that if he is enjoying 75% of the work, then if he can start to look quietly for other roles, the remaining 25% can be tolerated and he should remain in the contract.

You mentioned he is doing sober October. If he has relied on alcohol as a coping prop, currently going without the grog is a double whammy for him to cope with. Giving up alcohol if you are a regular drinker is hard at any stage let alone if there are other triggers such as work and financial concerns. The facebook page of club soda mindful drinking is a very supportive group if he is willing to ask questions on there on how to deal with this scenario. You can join with a fake profile if you/he wishes however it is a closed group.

Natural remedies and vitamin supplements (magnesium helps) are also great ideas. Try to change your/his focus from work when he comes home on weekends so that is something else he can think over and look forward to, rather than the 25% negative workplace stuff.

good luck. x

timshelthechoice · 16/10/2019 21:39

I'm going to stop paying my mortgage and tell the lender 'There's more to life than money' and see if they let me stay for free.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/10/2019 21:39

I present regularly and one thing I bear in mind is that the audience is often on your side. They have to sit there and listen anyway so if you are reasonably clear, logical and relevant they will love you because at least it was worthwhile being there.

timshelthechoice · 16/10/2019 21:40

What is HE doing to manage his mental health? Researching apps, booking appointments, going on pages, or is that your job, too?

Supersimkin2 · 16/10/2019 21:40

The size of the salary isn't that relevant, and OP knows it isn't. It's the history of flaking that's the worry.

'Expecting him to provide' is indeed an issue - he can't carry on living off the OP himself and expecting her to support and bring up his DC.

Posters who suggest financing and supporting adult men is a splendid goal for the contemporary woman may have not understood basic feminism correctly.

Get him to a GP - he prob needs ADs, they work a treat for panic. I should know.

wasgoingmadinthecountry · 16/10/2019 21:42

I kind of get it - my dh contracts. He once walked out of a job (ironically a hugely well though of national charity) because it was the worst place he'd ever worked. Then didn't work for months. I didn't say anything but wasn't happy.

BUT health is so much more important. You need a proper non judging face to face talk. Hope you work it out - have been very close to your situation and nearly lost the plot from the point of being at home with 3 under 3 while he was working (hard) away and in a 5 star hotel Mon - Fri! x

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 16/10/2019 21:42

That is my worry in the back of myind timshelttgechoice. Am trying not to panic myself . If I try to question his decision he gets very cross - he knows what he is doing etc etc but his actual words just then were ' they need to see how much work I put into that report , and sort out the queries , so they can see how it's done. If I am not there , they gave to work it out for themselves ' wtf logic is that ?

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 16/10/2019 21:42

Hi, as well as 'natural remedies' he could get evidence based therapies as others have said, also medication (which can be tailored to what the individual needs- either something that deals with long term anxiety and/or something that's just for the run up or on the day of a presentation etc.

Anxiety/panic doesn't necessarily mean he should give up the job- a vast amount of people live and work with anxiety.

I think he needs extra support perhaps- counselling and maybe occasional meds or a med to tackle anxiety-provoking situations
depending what a professional decides he needs, and therapy.

He might have to take some time off- he might have to give up eventually, but maybe shouldn't quite yet.

'I'll never forgive you' would just pile the pressure on :)

Drabarni · 16/10/2019 21:43

Mydog

No, one small income to cover necessities. I don't like the stuff and try to keep away from stuff that needs us to earn it.
To me your health is more important than money, but i understand we all need a roof, food and warmth when it's cold.

Supersimkin2 · 16/10/2019 21:45

Spot the difference.

DH: 'I can't go in, I'm terrified and still shaking and shitting nonstop from a panic attack.'

DH: 'they need to see how much work I put into that report , and sort out the queries , so they can see how it's done. If I am not there , they gave to work it out for themselves'