Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU at husband abandoning contract

192 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 16/10/2019 19:22

Hi lovely people ! Will try try to keep short as I have a tendancy to waffle but I need a quick reality check ! (Again!) Dh is 3 months into a 12 month contract that is extremely well paid after previously being unemployed for 18 months. We have no savings, no assets and were scraping by at the point he accepted the contract. He has now hit a wall at work , everyone treats him like a contractor ie not part of the team , he hates being away from home mon-fri and hates going back . He has just ring me to say he is considering giving it up .He got himself so worked up panicking about a presentation he nearly had a full on panic attack. Due to him having form for quitting and letting people / us down , AIBU to tell him that if he walks away from this contract I will never be able to forgive him ? This contract is worth around 100k - I am only including this to show you all that with this amount of money we could actually afford to buy our own house and stop renting. AIBU to not be hugely sympathetic and wish he would get on with it ?

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 16/10/2019 22:41

It's all very well getting out of things that stress him. And then turning to drink. It's a cycle then because when the pressure is off then he's 'fine' until the next time.
He needs to go to counselling and get a consultation to get medication for his anxiety. He has mental health obstacles that are stopping him working.
You can be sympathetic, but he needs to take responsibility for his own feelings as well. When he comes home you have to ask him to go to the GP and tell the GP he had to stop working because of the extent of his anxiety. You are not to make any appointments for him, he has to do it himself but you have to make it clear you are not responsible for that aspect.

Italiangreyhound · 16/10/2019 22:41

IMHO Please urgently get a counselling appointment with a really good counseller or life coach to help our dp work through the issues.

If people are treating him like a contractor, so what! It's not the end of the world. But for him it is an issue. So you need to help him find out why and turn this around.

If he stays and if he does a good job, 6 or 9 months down the line he can go for another role elsewhere and keep on moving up.

If he jacks it all in now he could be risking his future career and his relationship with you.

Please reassure him you will help him wok through this but he needs to hang on in there otherwise this issue may just crop up in the next job.

Italiangreyhound · 16/10/2019 22:42

your dp.

mumofone2818 · 16/10/2019 22:47

I have been through the exact same thing with my DP, there is always an excuse for any job they start. They say they want to work but dont as life is comfortable at home, we were stuggling big time & he was given the ultimatum of work or we would need to split up & making it clear to him that one income couldnt cover 2 adults and DD made him realise. Lay it out straight with him and be firm that for you to live a stable life he needs to work and get on woth it for the sake of your family.

ChicCroissant · 16/10/2019 22:47

I am wondering if you posted about this when he was thinking of taking the job OP, because there is something about it that sounds familiar and there might have been a reason why it wasn't a good idea for him to take a job away from home if he doesn't cope well on a day to day basis. Perhaps it was the alcohol? I hope he seeks help where he is now, it must be a very frustrating situation for you.

Alsohuman · 16/10/2019 23:07

It’s probably a moot point now anyway. He’s turned in a suboptimal report and failed to show up for two, possibly three, days to sort it out. The reason contractors are paid a lot of money is to solve problems, not create them. He probably won’t have any choice about leaving now.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 16/10/2019 23:19

Gosh I really hope not - I was hoping to at least try some of these techniques and coping mechanisms with him to see if they help . I know it seems flaky - but when he is on his game he is awesome at it . That's how he got the contract - his skill set and he comes across highly motivated and enthusiastic . On a good day . That's why o sortof tried to gently push him into this job - I know him and I know that the right job would boost his professional confidence . Well I suppose time will tell . Thank you all for your really insightful comments - I really do appreciate it .zxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 16/10/2019 23:21

mumofone2818- that must have been a difficult time - did you get through it ? Did he understand ? Hope it all worked out xx

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 16/10/2019 23:23

Mydog, I remember your last thread, too. This man won't change. And again, whilst he was sat at home and you were away flogging to keep the wolf from the door did he at least parent the kids well, keep the house? Because IIRC, he didn't.

He'll be terminated if he doesn't show up and then blame it on them. As he does every time.

You cannot force him to get help and it's not entirely your job to solve his problems.

timshelthechoice · 16/10/2019 23:25

time will not tell. his contract will be terminated.

mumofone2818 · 16/10/2019 23:41

Yes it did eventually, I stopped buying luxuries that he was used to to make him realise that he cant have what he wants and not work for it, to be fair he wasnt sure what he wanted to do in life career wise, but in my head any money is money to help you live wether you enjoy a job or not untill you find something else. Some money is better than none! Hope you get things worked out I am sure he will understand and stick it out Thanks x

S0upertrooper · 17/10/2019 02:06

Been in a similar situation with DH. My response was to acknowledge the pressure he was under and tell him I appreciated the sacrifice he was making. I encouraged him to see a professional career coach who helped him explore the situation without emotion. In the background I was freaking out, I drank a lot of gin with friends and ate too much, it was a very stressful and worrying time. I had made huge sacrifices for DH's career and could never match his salary so we'd have been screwed if he gave up his job. The career coach helped him a lot but I think it took a lot for him to share the situation as I think he felt a failure. He has now changed roles in the same company and is much happier. Good luck OP.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 17/10/2019 02:42

You've had some great advice on this thread, OP, I really hope it helps. Re. Losing his contract because he's been off sick for a few days. I personally think that's unlikely as he could easily have a nasty D & V bug or bad 'flu that no one wants brought into the workplace.

He does need to look at his employment situation long-term though. 18 months out of work is no joke and if he can slog through this contract, he's more likely to have opportunities going forward. As a PP said, he's already completed a quarter of it, it'll soon be a third, etc.
In my experience, the first few months in a new job/place are often the worst as you're trying to find your feet and not seeing any results of your labours yet. My DH once had a major wobble three months into a new position (in a new city). He was getting stressed and wondering whether he could keep up in a group of v. clever people - but a few months later, he'd settled in and was making an impact. He was glad he'd stuck it out. Good luck with everything. Flowers.

GPatz · 17/10/2019 07:23

'I’ve never heard of anything so selfish in my life. What exactly are you contributing to this plan for financial stability?'

I swear some people are just ignoring the fact that he has been unemployed for the last 18 months. I'm sure the OP selfishly paid for all their shared bills during this time (!).

PulpPixie · 17/10/2019 07:51

No wonder male suicide is so high when they get pressure Like this off their own wife. I’d rather have my DH than the money. If a man was forcing his wife to stay in a job she was having panic attacks about and affecting her mental health, he’d get crucified.

LakieLady · 17/10/2019 07:58

I think he should use some of that big fat salary to get some MH support up there: counselling, CBT, medication for the short term, whatever is most appropriate.

That will have long term benefits as he will learn how to prevent and deal with the pressures of working in field he does.

In the longer term, his earning potential could be used to get your finances to the point where you can afford for him to make a career change to something less lucrative but more bearable.

He can self-refer to a private MH practitioner.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 17/10/2019 08:35

Pulppixie - no that is not at all !If it was that black and white I would not be asking for peoples' opinions on it !

OP posts:
Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 17/10/2019 08:38

AmICrazyorWhat2 - thank you yes I will bear it in mind about the first few months being the hardest x I am definitely going to implement some of this great advice and links from on here . Good practical stuff. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 17/10/2019 08:39

LakieLady - I didn't know that re self referral ! Thank you xx

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 17/10/2019 08:39

they need to see how much work I put into that report , and sort out the queries , so they can see how it's done

He said WHAT?? This does not sound like a person who is having panic attacks because of pressures at work. This sounds like a spoiled entitled child, who is sulking because people at work didn't praise his amazing report enough to his liking.

He clearly actively wants to get fired. And reading your other threads, he's not a loving and supportive husband otherwise either, is he?

KatharinaRosalie · 17/10/2019 08:40

I've had panic attacks at work, and no DH didn't force me to stay there. I stayed (and sorted out the issue causing the panic attacks) because I'm an adult with obligations.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 17/10/2019 08:59

There seems to be two camps on this - and not sure where he falls into! I have just come off the phone to him . He has told work he has a chest infection . He is not going back in til Monday- and he is hoping the worst of the pressure is off by then ( ie someone else has sorted it out ) . This is the second unplanned week off he has had in 4 weeks so I simply can't imagine they will be best pleased with that but I literally cannot do anything. But I was calm on the phone . He is driving home today . I will try and talk things through with him over weekend and sort a plan. I am not prepared to give up yet even though am very frustrated. And I have made it clear that there is NO alcohol this weekend - if he drinks , he will feel terrible on Sunday and that will give him another panic. So that's my plan!

OP posts:
Didiusfalco · 17/10/2019 09:04

I remember your other thread too. It sounds like he is possibly toxic in the work place? With that background I think you have been incredibly patient already. I would be standing firm that he doesn’t get to bail out and leave you in the shit again. I am very supportive of mental health issues but with the background of what you said before it sounds more like he thinks the world owes him.

TatianaLarina · 17/10/2019 09:07

It sounds like he’s trying to get fired.

Alsohuman · 17/10/2019 09:25

It certainly does. He’d be gone if I was his client.