AIBU at husband abandoning contract

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Hi lovely people ! Will try try to keep short as I have a tendancy to waffle but I need a quick reality check ! (Again!) Dh is 3 months into a 12 month contract that is extremely well paid after previously being unemployed for 18 months. We have no savings, no assets and were scraping by at the point he accepted the contract. He has now hit a wall at work , everyone treats him like a contractor ie not part of the team , he hates being away from home mon-fri and hates going back . He has just ring me to say he is considering giving it up .He got himself so worked up panicking about a presentation he nearly had a full on panic attack. Due to him having form for quitting and letting people / us down , AIBU to tell him that if he walks away from this contract I will never be able to forgive him ? This contract is worth around 100k - I am only including this to show you all that with this amount of money we could actually afford to buy our own house and stop renting. AIBU to not be hugely sympathetic and wish he would get on with it ?

Yes, panic attacks suck.

But plenty of people have to power through and go to work anyway because they otherwise they won't have food or a place to live.

He's lucky he's in a position where it's a choice instead of a necessity.

Op, I can't tell from this whether your DH is genuinely struggling and isn't in a fit state to be in work (so you BOTH need to figure out a realistic plan) or he's just quitting because it's easier.

I've been in a job before where I literally used to fantasize about walking in front of traffic, hoping I'd be seriously hurt or killed, just because I almost couldn't face another day of the misogynistic, toxic, high stress team I was working in. My mental health was really, really bad for about six months before I had an escape plan B. The last day I worked there was like a light at the end of a long exhausting trek.. I was almost skipping home for months afterwards, knowing I'd never have to go back.

I honestly think the impact of a poor work environment/bad fit is easy to dismiss (I winced when I read the pp who said to "man up" because when you're so broken by your job it isn't helpful advice to suck it up)... But only you know if he's being fickle/unreliable to a truly unreasonable level... Please listen to him before you assume he's just a quitter though, and consider other setups than him having the 100k job...

I have extreme anxiety, but force myself to work because money issues increase my anxiety, so I offset the balance by working. For me security is a big driver in overcoming anxiety. My motto is if I had no other means of earning money, I'd force myself to do whatever it takes. I think mental health has become an excuse and it's worth asking whether you'd still feel so anxious if you were starving to death and the job provided relief. That kind of thinking doesn't work for everyone, but it works for me.

Of course he can quit when he's got something else lined up, he doesn't like pressure but it's ok to put all the pressure of keeping the family afloat on you, like he's done before. I'd say the new job doesn't have to be as lucrative, or in the same field, just a full time contribution to the family, like yours is. Most of us don't have the luxury of just jacking in jobs, we have bills and mortgages to pay.

He can quit as soon as he finds an alternative job. Both DH and I have to stick at our jobs because we need the income. Neither of us can just quit. We can move jobs, we can discuss the minimum income we need, but the bills still need paying.

I totally understand the panic and anxiety though. Maybe have a conversation about your household budget and he could look for a more suitable role.

I sympathise completely with you, but a little bit with him, as I was trapped in a shit job for five years for crap pay because DP had anxiety. I actually think that the worst thing I did was not firmly encourage him to stay in employment at the outset, as he got attached to the safety of staying at home whilst I did all the heavy lifting for the pair of us - at my expense. I think that, had I earned an absolute fuckton in the job, it would have been so much more tolerable, but I didn't, so I had to get through my early morning panic attacks, pick myself literally up off the floor and go to work to barely keep a roof over our heads.

He now works and, although it's great and I felt so much pressure lift from me from the day he started, he is absolutely right when he says that I don't trust him not to jack it in at the first twinge of anxiety. But it was destroying our relationship - if he hadn't done it then, I genuinely think that he would be single and homeless now, whilst I struggled through on my own, as it would have been better than maintaining the status quo he had become so accustomed to.

I know you want to ‘just talk about this situation’ but your work status/situation is a huge part of wether YABU.

If you’re not working/working part time/ working for low income - then yes YABU to expect so much more from DH.

If however you are plowing away in your own decent job then no YANBU!

He wants to do a job that is less pressure and can not be away . Which is fair enough o think - I feel that I am unsympathetic as I would literally almost do anything to earn that sort of money

His point of view is fair, valid and entirely reasonable

I really doubt you would literally do almost anything to earn that sort of money. You can't pit too high a price on mental health and if work is damaging that, then he needs to move to a job - even if lower paid - that doesn't jeopardise his sanity

Are you working? Why does it all fall on his shoulders?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I probably wouldn’t word it like that. Maybe tell him you’re happy for him to look for something else but not for him to quit until he had something. Encourage him to see gp and get some support for his mental health too. He’s already 25% of the way through the contract, get him to focus on making it to Xmas and then it will be almost 50% of the way through.

What is your job, OP, and how much do you earn? Is it a high pressured roles adversely affecting your mental health and one which involves, es prolonged periodS of time away from work?

AIBU to tell him that if he walks away from this contract I will never be able to forgive him?

Yes - and be prepared to find another meal ticket

re presentations - simple way -bullet point ideas ,if he can do power point- first page put his name on top & subject than simple idea each page - do large printed notes elaborating on each page of power point that he can just read - rehearse - if he cant do power point just do bullet point on page that he can read with elaborations under each point rehearse & introduce himself & subject. tell him this, Everybody who does presentations finds it scary - go slowly when reading notes but look up and around at audience in between each part & smile - he can even say that this is scary & smile before he starts

Ok fair enough - I work one job now 3 days a week . When he was out of work last year I worked two jobs s someone pointed out up yhread, bills need paying whatever happens . When he got the contract , I dropped one job for the one which meant I could live at home and not have to go away , look after children etc. whilst he is away. The crucial bit is that , even when I contracted away I still did not earn even a third what he earns at the moment. So I mean it when I say if I could I would !!!

YABU - I think you could emotionally support him in making whatever decision he needs to make. But I would ask him, if he is pulling out what his plan is to bring money in, and whether he could make sure he gets that in place before pulling out.

& before he starts presentation close eyes for a second & take a deep breath it really helps

He is well paid and that can equal stress.

He needs to learn to manage the stress - get counselling, take up exercise, whatever works for him.

But he shouldn't quit the job.

And I definitely do not see him as a meal ticket I promise you that. He is my husband and I love him but I can't work out whether to encourage him to stick at it or give it up in spite of my own insecurities, iyswim . Maybe the ' I will never forgive you ' is overdramatic and not helpful , but I feel exasperated right now !

The question is not about me - I specifically want to know if o am being unreasonable with this ?
@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme

The problem is that your contribution IS relevant. If he’s the sole earner and crumbling under the pressure you are putting him under, then that is relevant. If you’re both Slogging your guys out to save for a house deposit then it’s a different story.

Your OP reads like you’re ’expecting’ him to provide for your house, lifestyle etc. It’s only reasonable to explain what you bring to the partnership in return

Some are being very harsh on the OP
I think you need to choose your words carefully, but if this had been my DH after his long period of unemployment, I would have been very unhappy at him wanting to quit. I ended up ill with the stress and worry of trying to keep it all going whilst he was unemployed, that went on for nearly 2 years I think.

We were running on fumes, there was nothing left in any tank. Is he a drama llama or is he likely to have been close to a full blown panic attack?

Ariadne "I really doubt you would literally do almost anything to earn that sort of money. You can't pit too high a price on mental health and if work is damaging that, then he needs to move to a job - even if lower paid - that doesn't jeopardise his sanity"

This.

I feel. very sorry for your dh. Mental ill health and stress is very difficult to manage and he sounds as though he possibly is experiencing both.

i do understand your frustration but I would try to be supportive if this was my dh

He needs to resolve the underlying issue. Has he had panic attacks before?

It doesn’t always mean he’s got a chronic MH condition- it could just be the job.

He needs to look for something else by the sounds of it. This contract could be a good stepping stone to a new job.

Veterinari- ironic. I am an RVN so I can slog my guts out all I like and I still rarely earn much in comparison . I don't think my expectations are unreasonable in respect of wanting a stable , secure home for my family !

The problem is also that if he walks away from this job - for whatever reason , the industry he is in is small and it may affect future prospects. I know money is not everything but in my experience only people who have it say that !