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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider an abortion ?????????????????????

118 replies

isitwrong · 15/08/2007 08:11

i have just found out that i am pregnant i already have 3 dc and i really dont know what to do. My dp and i have thought about the options and considered abortion is it wrong or would i be hated forever???? i have changed my name for this!!!

OP posts:

iliketosleep · 18/08/2007 12:28

Thats abit out of order, she was only giving her opinion

toomuchtodo · 18/08/2007 12:31

actually MN is the last place I'd come to discuss this, knowing poeple would have very strong opinions and being undecided and feeling anxious I'd be feeling even worse afetr reading this thread

good luck whatever you decide, what is right for you and your family is unique to you, its a hard decision

sauce · 18/08/2007 12:33

I've been there too & it helps to have support, although the decision is for you & your dp to make. I had a miscarriage so that was that but I completely understand your anxiety & will personally support whatever decision you make!

sorry to sound so pompous but it is absolutely agonising & no-one has the right to judge.

tigermoth · 18/08/2007 12:38

I hope these messages are helping you, isitwrong. YANBU to consider an abortion but really agree with the people who say clear you head of any other stuff and concentrate on what 'you' want.

How would having another child affect how you feel about your three children - do you feel your reserves of energy and attention are stretched to the limit already? Can you accept being a hands on parent for longer - having more more toddler and baby years ahead of you? Only you know the answers to these questions. How do you think you will you feel a year on from now if you do/do not have this baby?

I know you cannot spend weeks deciding, but take as much time as you can. Don't be rushed into anything.

zimbojules · 18/08/2007 12:43

Sophable - Isitwrong asked for opinions. Rachel gave hers. We live in a society where we should be able to give opinions and be entitled to free speech.

We should all respect each person's opinion, including Rachel's. You are judgemental and wrong to call her a silly cow. Yes, MNers are compassionate and intelligent, and Rachel's comments are compassionate.

harleyd · 18/08/2007 12:46

yanbu. only you knows how this will affect you.
dont base your decision on other peoples opinions. whatever you decide will be right for you. i have been there and i know how hard it is x

Heathcliffscathy · 18/08/2007 12:46

rachel i shouldn't have called you a silly cow. it is not often i am reduced to name calling. however, you post did incense me. it is not compassionate. it is emotionally blackmailing in the extreme and knowingly so.

havebeenthere · 18/08/2007 12:46

I had an abortion many years ago but I wasn't in the same situation as you, I didn't have any children then. I think you know instinctively what is right for you and your hesitation suggests to me that you shouldn't go through with an abortion. I think you will regret it. I didn't regret my decision, I may occasionally feel a fleeting moment of sadness and think about who they might have been but I don't regret it. I think the fact you are asking means deep down it's not what you want. As many people have said it's a deeply personal choice and no-one can make it for you but that's my opinion anyhow. What does dh think?

ipanemagirl · 18/08/2007 12:47

I agree with so many posts, take as much time as is realistic over the decision and really explore it, it won't be wasted time! My s had a third baby much later than her first two and she has been such a joy to the whole family even though they were very worried about how a third might pan out.

I feel for you though, it must be hard to make this kind of decision.

SpeccieSeccie · 18/08/2007 12:55

All women are offered counselling after abortion and apparently less than 1% take the NHS up on it. Partly this may be to do with the small typeface in the leaflet not drawing attention to it, partly it may be delayed-trauma in women that means they just don't know they'd like it at the time ... but the majority of the 99% don't take up this offer because, frankly, they don't need it. Most women who have abortions weigh up the options carefully beforehand (like the OP) and then act on their decision and live with it fine.

FWIW everyone I know who has had an abortion feels relieved to have been able to do so. The statistic of 95% of people regretting it is bizarre and not true. Where does that come from? Maybe 95% of people who seek help after the operation? In which case, not the same thing at all.

Good luck with your difficult decision Isitwrong - YANBU.

mamazon · 18/08/2007 13:04

only you can answer the question of whether to terminate or not.

either way, it is a decision that is personal to you and if it is right for you and your family then it is certainly not unreasonable.

you will of course come across pro lifers who will say what your doing is wrong, but they are not talking about you and your situation they are discussing the general business of abortion so please do not take anything that they say personally.

i hope you find someone who you can speak about this with, it sounds as though you are almost sure that it is right but you have feelings of guilt...this is perfectly normal.
you just need the reasurance that you are not evil or bad.
i hope you find it

sauce · 18/08/2007 13:23

I would hope that isitwrong could find good support here.

3andnomore · 18/08/2007 15:39

zimbu and ili., I think the op needs support, not to make feel even more guilty as she feels already about it, by just considering it as an option.

gess · 18/08/2007 15:53

I know people who've had terminations and not regretted it for a moment- felt enormous relief once it was done. I also know people who have had one because they felt they 'should' then regretted it for years and years later. Im guessing you know which way you feel- the people who didn't regret it had no doubts, they didn't even consider anything else. If you feel that way you don't have to justify it to anyone. If you don't feel that way you don't have to try and fit yourself to that mould because you feel you should iyswim.

What I didn't realise until my friend had one recently was that it can't be done before???? later than I realised, maybe 8 weeks, or maybe 8 weeks was too early I can't remember. Also she did not like the first clinic she attended (she said everyone was vile) so switched to a far nicer one.

divastrop · 18/08/2007 16:38

iliketosleep-babies!i was answering another poster re contraception failure,and yes,3andnomore is right those posts should have been in their own thread

apologies xxx

iliketosleep · 18/08/2007 16:53

phew lol

3andnomore · 18/08/2007 18:19

Diva, it's so easy to get carried away...nature of the beast...

paddlinglikemad · 25/08/2007 15:21

Isitwrong..am going through this myself at moment so know how you feel, my heart tells me to go ahead my head is saying 'how will I cope with 4 under 6yrs' 'where will the money come from' 'what about mine & DH relationship' ( he wants me to consider abortion seriously)...I am 5 weeks pg ( I think) and feel the pressure of time in making a decision..my thoughts are with you, you are not alone in this at all!!
I think it is the actual decision making in having an abortion, I have done the 'what if I miscarried now how would I feel' scenario and I think at least then the decision has been taken away ...

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