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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider an abortion ?????????????????????

118 replies

isitwrong · 15/08/2007 08:11

i have just found out that i am pregnant i already have 3 dc and i really dont know what to do. My dp and i have thought about the options and considered abortion is it wrong or would i be hated forever???? i have changed my name for this!!!

OP posts:

iliketosleep · 16/08/2007 17:52

without trying to put myself in the firing line, I have done research on abortion as i stood by my friend who had one, and apparently 95% of women that have them regret them, so i would suggest talking it through properly and thinking long and hard about it before making a decision you may live to regret. Im sorry if anyone disagrees with me (please dont shout ) but i think it is a very big decision.......

auntyspan · 16/08/2007 19:53

I am sure that at some point in their future lives, 95% of women regret their decision.

I think to say 95% of women would go back on their decision questionable....?

(Not shouting, promise....)

Rhubarb · 16/08/2007 20:00

I ran a website on unplanned pregnancies. I gave unbiased information on all choices, including abortion, adoption and keeping the baby. I asked for women's stories for each experience.

I got lots of emails from women who had had abortions and then bitterly regretted it. The guilt followed them around.

I asked for positive stories too but got none.

I got the impression that most of these women would have turned back if they had been given proper counselling. But they weren't. Which is why the new proposals of only needing one doctor's consent is worrying.

They say it is the woman's right, freedom of choice and all that. But these women didn't seem to have a choice. They got carried along by the process and no-one seemed interested in their views or cared what they had to say. It wasn't a choice for them.

Obviously the OP's situ is a little different. But I would think long and hard about this. If you are doubting and feeling guilty at this stage then may I suggest it may not be the right decision for you?

Tortington · 16/08/2007 20:11

i couldnt do it - have another child that is. but i wouldnt pretend it was for the good of the unborn child - it would deffinatley be for my own good and the good of my children - becuase obviously as long as your loving - you cant say its unfair to the unborn

pinkteddy · 16/08/2007 20:14

Most family planning services provide termination counselling and assessment clinics, look at your local primary care trust website. You can go along to one of the sessions you are not obliged to be referred on for a termination. You can have a medical abortion (as opposed to a surgical) I think up to 8 weeks pregnant. Good luck with whatever you decide. HTH

iliketosleep · 16/08/2007 20:19

thanks for not shouting auntyspan lol Well i am currently 7 weeks pg with dc 4 and am only 23 years old, my family have told me, yes told!!! me to have an abortion but i will not when i know i can love number 4 as much as i can the other 3. I know that immediatly i did not need to umm and arr about it so i think anyone that needs to question it is not the same as me and although i am anti abortion for me i support others decisions to do whats best for them, but i still stick with my first comment of think long and hard before you do something you regret.....

auntyspan · 16/08/2007 20:29

Well this is it isn't it ILTS - we don't know the RL situation with the OP, I used to think I was anti-abortion, but when faced with my decision it wasn't black and white.

Lets hope she makes the decision for her

And can I just say - 4 kids at 23 - you go girl!! I can just about manage 1 at 33!!

iliketosleep · 16/08/2007 20:45

yer im a sucker for punishment lol

iliketosleep · 16/08/2007 20:46

and i have 4 cats, and 1 of my cats has just had 4 kittens lol all boys and they dont like me they hiss everytime i go near everythings in 4's in this house, ive gotta keep up with the times

motherinferior · 16/08/2007 20:53

I know a number of women, including women who post on MN, who've had abortions with no regrets whatsoever.

It's your decision.

Heathcliffscathy · 16/08/2007 20:55

it is your decision. i don't think you should base it on anything other than what you and your dh think and what you feel in your heart is the right thing.

i had an abortion when I was 22. It was the right thing for me to do. I didn't take it lightly then, and I found the beginning of my VERY wanted pregnancy with ds was a time for a lot of grief about the abortion to come out. but I knew then and absolutely know now that it was the right thing to do. whatever you decide the sooner the better.

Heathcliffscathy · 16/08/2007 20:57

rhubarb, just read your post, and don't you think that your lack of 'positive' stories is because abortion is not a night out at the theatre....that does NOT mean however that everyone that does it is full of remorse and regret and doom. far far far from it ime.

Rhubarb · 16/08/2007 20:59

It is her decision, but whilst some people are saying that they had no regrets and knew their decision was right, from her posts I sense this isn't the case for the OP.

I don't know her situation, but I would hate for her to do something that she isn't sure about and then live to regret it. Which is why you need to think long and hard. Expel any doubts first or you may find yourself in for a rough ride.

And I may get lynched for this, but there is a third option you know. Just in case.

Rhubarb · 16/08/2007 21:01

sophable, clearly the word "positive" was wrong there. I should have said that I had no stories from women who felt it was the right thing for them.

I know they are out there, but I did ask even on Mumsnet and no-one ever contacted me. I wanted to put both sides of the argument forward. Like I said, the site was unbiased.

iliketosleep · 16/08/2007 21:30

isitwrong its obvious you are after some support but from which side do you want it from? The keeping it side or the not keeping it side, as your messages have somwhat confused me as to what YOU actually want to do. IMHO it sounds to me like you do actually want to keep it......

who suggested the abortion you or dp??

oh god i sound terrible now dont i im sorry i really dont mean to im just concerned that you may do something you will regret

divastrop · 16/08/2007 21:34

my 4th child was unplanned,the circumstances were pretty difficult as well.abortion wasnt an option for me(personal choice)but many people who were trying to 'help' asked if i'd considered my options,even after i'd made it clear that in my mind i had no options.

i now have 5 children,and personally i dont find it any harder than having 2,3 or 4.(probably because my first 2 are still the hardest work!)

i have been in a situation where i was considering an abortion,mainly because the father of the child was putting me under pressure,and also because i was too scared to tell my mum i was pregnant(i was 20!).i spoke to a social worker and a councellor,neither of whom listened to me,and just said 'oh yes,it sounds like the best option for you'.it wasnt untill i was sat in the consultant's room discussing the procedure before it went ahead,that i was asked what i wanted.the 50-odd year old consultant said 'forget about your bf,forget about your mother,forget about the sw and councellor,what do you want to do?'and i squeaked 'i want to keep it'.

just thought i'd add my personal experiences as you said you wanted to hear from others who'd been in similar situations,but i agree with all the others,you and your dh have to do what you feel is right for you.

madamez · 16/08/2007 21:49

Agree with everyone that it is a decision only you can make. Obviously you'll discuss it with your DP and see what he has to say, but the bottom line is, it's your body and your choice, and every woman who has to make that choice makes the one that's right for her.
One of the mothers at a toddler group we go to got PG an unexpected thrid time some months back, and decided to terminate the pregnancy - AFAIK she is comfortable with her decision. It's not actually true that nearly all women who choose to terminate pregnancies live under clouds of guilt and regret forever (there is a website called something like I'm Not Sorry which is women's accounts of how they chose to terminate their pregnancies and have no regrets.
But, as has been said before, one of the clearest ways of seeing the situation is: do you think of this pregnancy as a possible baby or as a problem to be solved?
Best of luck whatever you decide.

McEdam · 16/08/2007 22:08

isitwrong, it's perfectly possible to have an abortion with no regrets if that is what you want. But it has to be what is right for you, first and foremost - clear dh and everyone else out of your head and just focus on you.

Rhubs, I think there's inherent bias in your selection, tbh (in a process sense ie akin to bias in a research exercise). I really don't think it is helpful to extrapolate from lack of response to your request. Maybe on a different thread, but not when someone is dealing with an immediate crisis.

tatt · 16/08/2007 22:35

YANBU to consider abortion because it's a choice that you can make now and no-one else can make that choice for you. Even your partner does not have to live with the choice in quite the way you do.

Having said that it's not a choice I would make since I've had children. I can imagine situations in which abortion would be the right decision but not because it would be inconvenient or for material reasons.

If 3 children adore your attention 2 would have had more of it and one even more. There are practical and financial difficulties - good reasons to try not to get pregnant but for me these would not be reasons to abort. It may be just a few cells cells or it may be alive: I don't know. It's a potential baby and I would always have the doubt about whether it was alive or not.

I think sometimes women say they feel guilty because they think they ought to feel guilty. Take the decision that is right for you and don't look back.

Heathcliffscathy · 16/08/2007 22:55

edam i could not agree more and very subtly put if i might say so.

3andnomore · 16/08/2007 22:57

IT's about what you yourself want and need...
tbh, as muchI personally would hate an abortion, I would not be able to say whaty I do if I fell pg, unplanned...

flightattendant · 17/08/2007 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3andnomore · 17/08/2007 13:06

Just hope OP is alright.

ScottishMummy · 17/08/2007 13:06

personal private decision - up to you.No one else should judge you for making this decision
good luck whatever u decide with this difficult decision.

Aliway · 17/08/2007 13:09

I was a fourth child, medical professionals at the time asked my mum whether she would like to terminate as she was 38 at the time (how times change!!!) I was unplanned and my closest sibling was 13 years older than me. My Dad was a builder and mum a housewife so not a great deal of cash or fancy holidays, but a great fun loving childhood!! Have you considered adoption instead of termination as an option?

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