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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider an abortion ?????????????????????

118 replies

isitwrong · 15/08/2007 08:11

i have just found out that i am pregnant i already have 3 dc and i really dont know what to do. My dp and i have thought about the options and considered abortion is it wrong or would i be hated forever???? i have changed my name for this!!!

OP posts:
NotADragonOfSoup · 15/08/2007 10:41

Do you see it as a baby or a problem? My wonderful GP said that the women who cope best with having an abortion are those who view it as a problem to be sorted. Those who see it as a baby tend to struggle. I think it is rare to regret a child you have but common to regret one you didn't IYSWIM. I thought long and hard about whether to continue with my last pregnancy (planned but took so long it came as a shock) and now, with the benefit of hindsight, I know 100% that I could not have gone ahead with an abortion.

hunkermunker · 15/08/2007 10:41

Are you thinking of the pregnancy as a baby or a problem?

hunkermunker · 15/08/2007 10:41

Spooky, Soupy!

sparklesandwine · 15/08/2007 10:50

Financially if it is having the 4th your worried about it honestly isn't that bad (there is only 16 months between my DS2 and DS3) yes its hard work but then so is all parenting and it sounds like you made it through ok so far! Yes we have had to get a bigger car but we got ours cheap for £1200 and it runs really well, we did have to buy a few extra material things but it can be as expensive or inexpensive as you make it, we no longer go abroad on hol (but then i prefer holidaying in the uk anyway) it you can always rent a cottage/villa instead there are ways around this. although i'm sure that this side of things doesn't concern you too much its just the pros/cons of a 4th your weighing up at the moment

i hope you come to a decision which is right for you and your family but don't do it hastily i'm sure you both have plenty of people to sound it out on both on mn and in rl take your time and make sure you do what you feel is best

sameasme · 15/08/2007 10:52

I had an unplanned pg 5 years ago. We already had 4 children and I panicked. I couldn't see how we could fit another child in with work and the school routine we had going. By the time I'd started to calm down and think we could manage it after all DH was set on abortion. I discussed it with my mum and she agreed with him. I had several lots of counselling but nobody picked up that I was asking permission to keep the baby. They all took at face value that I didn't want it.

I had a termination on the NHS but at a private clinic, under general anaesthetic. I sat in the waiting room and thought I didn't want to go through with it but was too scared to admit to DH and DM that I hadn't.

Most days I wish I could turn the clock back. The child would have been starting school this term. It eats me up that I could have done this, and I realised too late that I have started every pregnancy with the OMG what have we done panic. It passes.

You need to think really hard about what this will mean for YOU. Not for DH, not for your other kids. If you really feel you don't want to have this baby then that's OK. Arrange the abortion, put it behind you and get on with your life. But if there is the slightest little part of you that thinks if it wasn't for this or that you'd go ahead, then don't do it because if you don't really want the abortion it will haunt you. Believe me.

Cars and holidays will sort themselves out. All the obstacles to our having the baby magically disappeared before it would have been born, so none of it mattered. The only important thing is what YOU really want to do.

squiffy · 15/08/2007 11:08

YANBU.

It is totally about you and no-one else. Horrible situation to be in. Not sure what you mean by 'will I be hated forever?' bizarre comment - who exactly will hate you? you may hate yourself for going through with an abortion; you may not. Unfortunately, rather like having a baby, you can't know in advance how you will react until after the event.

Can you try to imagine what would happen if you were told the pg wasn't viable anyway and that you would miscarry? If that scenario makes you feel relieved then maybe an abortion is the right thing to do. If it upsets you then you shouldn't abort. I'd listen to all the views and then trust your gut instinct - especially if that instinct is to get up and walk out of an abortion clinic 5 minutes before you are due to be seen.

j20baby · 15/08/2007 11:08

in answer to your original post-abortion is not wrong if thats what you decide to do and no you will not be hated forever.
the guilt is horrendous, but so will be the feeling of dread if you really don't want to carry on with the pg but do, its such a hard decision to make, i really feel for you.

good luck whatever you choose to do

KnickersInABreadmaker · 15/08/2007 11:10

TBH, flightattendant, there is a big difference between having 3 children and 4! With 4 children you HAVE to get a big people-carrier type car, 3 children will fit into the back seat of a normal car. Although from the holiday point of view, we found that having 3 meant that companies like Falcon would not allow you to take one one-bed-apartment, if there were no two-bed apartments available, they made you take two one-beds which is a PITA.
Isitwrong, really your question shouldn't honestly be, whether you would be hated forever. After all, it's a personal thing for you and dp, you don't have to think about other peoples's opinions, you don't actually have to tell anyone at all, if you don't want to.
The question is, how would you feel about yourselves? If you think this is a baby, then I would imagine you might feel racked with guilt afterwards. If, on the other hand you feel that it's just a bunch of dividing cells which is going to become a major problem for your family, you might feel justified in having terminated.
FWIW, I think children adapt very well. I couldn't imagine my life now without any of my siblings. Ds3 is my third child, who has turned our lives upside down just as we were returning to a semblance of normality but I wouldn't give him back for the world!

flightattendant · 15/08/2007 12:22

Stand corrected Knickers

I would love four children but I think that's from the naivety of my present relatively uncrowded existence!!!

Apologies.

SixInTheBed · 15/08/2007 12:42

2 issues here for me - 1- how would you feel if you had an abortion 2- how would you cope with 4 children.
Regarding the abortion thing my 1st pregnancy was a total shock, only dating a few weeks,no money,etc. Booked into a clinic cos it seemed the sensible option.Sitting on the operating table as they adjusted the gas mask I finally listened to myself and realised that I didn't want to go ahead and I bolted.Our dd is 11 now and have never regreted her for a minute. We have gone on to "OMG what have we done" panic on 3 more pregnancies.I had health concerns and my DH particulary felt under pressure to 'provide',maybe your DH feels the same.

Regarding the logistics of having 4-Yes we had to buy a bigger car and a bigger bed. And while we don't stay in hotels we do camp in France.I had less time to spend with the older ones at the begining so my DH did individual 'Quality Time'.But this evens out as they grow.And if I ever start feeling I can't cope I ask myself which one I would send back.No answer to that!Our youngest DD is adored by all the others. Honestly found adjusting to 3 kids harder than 4.
Anyway this is just my penny's worth.I really hope you make the right decision for you.Other peoples opinions don't actually matter .

pixieboo · 15/08/2007 14:58

I read somewhere the other day, a blog by a Mum of 6, who said lots of women with huge families had told her it never gets harder than 3. And she agreed herself, she said 3 was a massive shock, and loads of work, but four, five and six were not much different!! I only have one, so can't comment, but my SIL has 5, and they all seem to manage fine.

Will you regret it if you don't have it? Will you remember dates, times etc? Do you think you could just move on and not be affected, and feel happy and fine that the 'problem is solved'?

bosslady · 15/08/2007 17:07

It really is up to YOU i agree with others who have said do whats best for you not your dh etc! My friend had one when she was 18 i didnt agree with her doing it but helped her through it, she never even told her mum about it they dont have a good relationship, she is now married with children and to this day regrets her decision she remembers dates and everything,so what im trying to say is make sure you are completely sure before you make any decisions you have got time if your only early on!! i would also like to add that i have 2 dd but i have no desire to have any more and i would be considering all my options the same as you are even though i said i disagreed with what my friend did,but i did that then as i had no kids and neither did she and now i have i know how much hard blooming work they are!

MyMILisDoloresUmbridge · 15/08/2007 17:51

Centerparcs in France is also great, nice big cottages!
Another point to make is that your other children do get more helpful as they get older. Ds1 is 11 now and will get ds3 his breakfast at the weekends giving us a little bit of a lie-on. And he'll watch him if I'm taking a shower. And both older boys will run down to get things downstairs if I have ds3 on the changing table and have forgotten to bring up a nappy! Deffo easier than when ds2 was born and I had effectively 2 babies!

NAB3 · 15/08/2007 17:52

You need to talk to someone neutral. Whatever we feel on here won't help. Good luck.

NAB3 · 15/08/2007 17:53

What will you regret more, having the baby, or not having the baby? Only you and your partner can make this decision.

berolina · 15/08/2007 18:19

FWIW, I had a dreadful panic at the beginning of my current pg - 5th pg, will be second child as I have mc 3 times, including twice consecutively shortly before this pg. After the mcs I couldn't bear to ttc but couldn't bear to prevent pg somehow, so we followed the calendar method and at one point took a risk. I was sure I'd got away with it but then was late, and I am never late. I was very unhappy. Felt it was too soon after the mcs, I wasn't ready, ds was too young (19mo at the time), the works. At the time we were also in an extremely precarious financial and job situation. I spent at least 2 weeks in denial, apart from one half-hearted attempt at testing - the test didn't work and I was probably deliberately not all that good at following the instructions In the end I went to the doctor and was scanned - and then I wanted, wanted, wanted it. Am happily 35 weeks now.

You said your heart says yes and no to having the baby. The element of yes makes me think you need to think very carefully about it all. But there is no making this decision for you. Let the news settle and think. Good luck

americantrish · 16/08/2007 12:50

its not anyone's place to judge you on this. whatever you choose, good luck and all the best. :hugs:

VirtualStranger · 16/08/2007 12:59

isitwrong I am currently going through the same as you - although I am pg with my 5th (eek!!).

I have decided to keep my baby although the timing couldn't be worse and we had definitely decided to stop at 4. I personally don't feel abortion is wrong or that you would be hated, but the question is whether you would hate yourself or regret it later. It is only your decision i would say. My dh just says what he thinks I want to hear (although is very vocal on the negative practical and financial issues of having another baby).

On the issues of having 4 - I didn't feel more stretched going to 4 from 3, or that I give the children less attention. The person that suffers most is you (and your relationship with dp) from having alot of children imo. However, for me, the benefits far outweighed the negatives and I love having 4 children.

(btw I usually also post under another name).

studentmum1 · 16/08/2007 13:16

i almost had an abortion when i was 18, it is the most upsetting thing i have ever had to go through... fortunatly i backed out two hours before the op, i couldn't do it. my dd is 2.5 now and i am so grateful i didn't go ahead with it. even though i didn't go through with it it is a traumatising experience and V depressing place to go. If you decide to do it make sure you are 100% definate and you seek councilling afterwards. The clinics do provide limited help tho.

Cammelia · 16/08/2007 13:21

Only you can make this decision isitwrong. Not us, not your dh, no one except you. Its your body.

auntyspan · 16/08/2007 13:22

I found out I was pregnant when DD1 was 5 months old. I had a dreadful labour and birth and psychologically I was in no way ready to have another, added to the fact that we had just committed to a huge mortgage.

We sat down and talked about it, and decided that a termination was the best option for us as a couple and for our DD. It was a dreadful decision to make and one of the hardest things I've ever done.

In fact, two days before I was due to go (and I was wavering) I miscarried, so it wasn't meant to be anyway.

If you do make this decision then I can guarantee there will be times you will regret it. What you need to do is remember the reasons why you did it and trust yourself that it was the right decision at the time, iyswim.

Good luck honey x

squeakybub · 16/08/2007 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RoxyNotFoxy · 16/08/2007 13:33

Isitwrong, it looks like you can handle the financial side and the other practicalities of having a 4th child. I mean, you're only talking inconvenience, not actual hardship, yes? In that case, it's a purely emotional decision. What you have to ask is how you will feel ten years from now. If you have a 10-year old child, would you honestly look back and say "I wish I hadn't had him/her"? No mother ever would. But if there is no child there, how will you feel? Will you be marking off imaginary birthdays, and thinking "My child would be ten now. What would he/she look like?" There might be an empty space in your life where that child could have been, and you might never get rid of that feeling of loss.

The decision must be yours alone, but what I'm saying is that if there is any doubt - any doubt at all - then have the child. Because if you go ahead with an abortion, whatever doubts you have now are not likely to disappear later. You'll carry them into future years.

peanutbear · 16/08/2007 13:34

i have no advice other than whats been said just wanted to send you good thoughts whatever you decide you must be going through a terrible time right now

luckylady74 · 16/08/2007 13:48

i think that one more whole person in your house does make a huge difference and is really hard when you didn't make the decision - i had twins when my ds1 was 2 and no obviously i adore them and wouldn't send them back,BUT i only wanted 2 children total and i look around me and still think that practically and emotionally it's harder - attention for them /knackering for me.

i understand other posters statements along the lines of they support it but wouldn't do it themselves - a friend who did have an abortion says that she finds that point being made horribly smug and i have to say i find it 'weighted' iyswim.

hope you're happy whatever you decide