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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleeping arrangements with new baby

333 replies

NCsleep · 16/10/2019 06:39

NC as DSis is on here and DH knows I post.
We are expecting our first DC any day now, currently 40 weeks. DH will be taking paternity leave for 2 weeks and then going back to FT work, fairly stressful job and he's currently out of the house approx 8am-7pm.

He has said that after paternity leave has finished, he'll "have to" sleep in the spare room as he won't be able to function at work with such broken/lack of sleep. He moans now about being knackered with 7+ or 8 hours sleep while I'm getting sod all sleep as am so uncomfortable Hmm

I think that is slightly unreasonable as I'll be knackered too and it's our first baby - also neither of us know quite what to expect yet and how well DC will sleep etc. So I don't feel like we can plan that far ahead yet, whereas he seems to have it in his head that this is what is going to happen.

How do others deal with night times when their DP goes back to work? Some people i know do "shifts" but DH said he couldn't do his job properly if we did this.

I am planning on EBF (so it would be a case of me feeding and him doing nappy changes I guess) and he is generally great, absolutely pulls his weight and will be a good dad so it's definitely not a "why are you having a baby with him"/LTB situation!

OP posts:
AmIThough · 17/10/2019 04:32

@NCsleep whatever you decide you'll probably almost definitely want to kill each other Grin

Snowflake9 · 17/10/2019 04:42

My DS is 6 weeks old. I had an emergency C section after a long labour. My DH didn't take any paternity he runs his own company and needed to work, leaving me virtually on my own between 6am -8:30 pm 7 days a week.

We sleep in separate rooms and he has not done one night with me. I have had a few occasions where I have gone and woken him if I couldn't settle DS or he has heard him cry and come to help.

I am EBF and I am tired, but DH needs his rest. I don't see the point in 2 tired parents. Changing a nappy takes 2 minutes, I would rather him sleep. I can sleep in the day. He doesn't get that option.

Be lucky you at least get your DH for 2 weeks!

steff13 · 17/10/2019 04:56

When I was on maternity leave, I was on "baby duty" during the week, and he'd be on duty on Friday and Saturday nights so I could get some sleep. When I went back to work, we split night duty.

JollyJlly · 17/10/2019 05:05

Personally I wouldn’t want to be waking him. One of you has to function. My DP starts the night in our bed and if the LO is too fretful he leaves. But if I’m really struggling he will get up (without asking) to help. You’ll get into a routine of what works for you.

Confusednewmum1 · 17/10/2019 06:28

Let him sleep in the spare room! My husband is a heavy sleeper so was able to stay in the room beside us as he slept through baby. It made me want to kill him!!! Watching him sleep while I’d had a baby cluster feeding attached to me for 5 + hours!! After 4-6 weeks you can start to pump, never don’t do night feeds as they regulate your milk supply. On sat and Sunday mornings it was agreed he’d take the baby for first feed at 6am and I would get some sleep prob till 9-10. It was great and really all I needed, breastfeeding = hormones you’ll cope, shattered but you’ll cope. It’s all mind set at the moment you could never imagine getting no more than 45 mins sleep at a time but it’s fine. The nights are long but the years are quick x

ChilledBee · 17/10/2019 06:52

I think this thread is a great example of that thread someone wrote about women ending up doing it all. Makes a rod for your own back. I'm not surprised that so many people get divorced by the time the kids are tweenage. It's been years of her doing everything and them having no couple time. She's exhausted. He thinks she is no fun any more and they end up hating each other.

Timtims · 17/10/2019 07:16

He is BU. Not because sleeping in the spare room isnt a good plan, but because he is putting a line in the sand about what HE needs and wants, and bugger everyone else. I would expect a lot more flexibility and understanding. This doesn't bode well imo.

Timtims · 17/10/2019 07:24

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3719694-dp-wont-help-with-baby

OP this could you .....

HeyNotInMyName · 17/10/2019 07:33

Yep.
I would just say. @NCsleep, Be Aware.
Men seem to regress to a 1950 set as soon as the first child is here. Incl those who were independent and ‘helpful’

Mammyloveswine · 17/10/2019 07:48

Safe co-sleeping...an actual godsend! I felt so much more rested!

Look up the safe co-sleeping guidelines.

IMO brand new babies are not meant to sleep alone and it's little wonder they wake!

Alternatively, go to bed super early (ie 6pm) to bank a good 4 hours of sleep in before DH brings baby to you. That will help you survive.

Also, you might get a good sleeper!

By 8 weeks DS2 was no longer co-sleeping and was sleeping through in his cot! Lasted 6 months until I went back to work....

NicolaC17 · 17/10/2019 17:50

My husband works similar hours and I am expecting #2 and he’s been in the spare room since we were expecting my daughter (so about two years) not even sure I could share a bed with him now. Anyway, what worked for us was that I would express a bottle per day, go to bed around 8:30 and he would do a feed around 11 and bring her up around 11:30. 3 hours sleep is amazing at the start of the night. I would then usually get another 2 before a wake up anyway once baby settled into a routine. He will also get up early one day at the weekend so I can have a few hours in bed and then he has a lie in on the other day. Hoping to do similar with no.2 due next month. Good Luck OP

MummyofTw0 · 17/10/2019 17:50

No decisions need to be made yet
Have baby, enjoy the time together and make a decision when you know what it’s like and how you all feel

If you have to separate rooms it’s only temporary

You might find you want a bed to yourself anyway as you’ll have more room

ToftyAC · 17/10/2019 17:51

We did the separate rooms thingy as DP was self employed and grafted bloody hard. It wasn’t fair. But we did the your night/my night thing from 6 months as I went back to work with a hefty commute and a v stressful job.

Lozzat85 · 17/10/2019 17:54

Honestly you will just manage! You will be exhausted but you will survive. I EBF and my husband didn’t have any paternity leave he was self employed. I had her the Friday night and he was back at work working away the Monday morning and not back til the Friday night.

Yes I was tried yes it was hard but I ate lots of chocolate and binge watched lots of box sets while I spent the majority of the day feeding. Thinking back I miss those days!

csigeek · 17/10/2019 18:08

I EBF and had a co sleeper cot. Husband in the same room. I did all the night feeds and wakes while I was maternity leave because you absolutely can "sleep when the baby sleeps" if you need to. Housework can wait.
I didn't feel it was fair to ask my husband to share the night stuff when I was off work but now I'm back we do.

LisaD76 · 17/10/2019 18:11

I went back to work when my dd was 2 weeks but just one day a week, there were only 2 times my oh looked after her during the night because he couldn’t wake up, so kept himself awake until about 2 for her last night feed.... I didn’t nap during the day either tbh.... don’t know how I did it now

DanceItOut · 17/10/2019 18:14

Why can't he just sleep in the room but not get up? My husband works from 7am-6pm and is out of the house from 5.30am until 7.30pm. he also does 24/7 on call meaning one week in three he could get home at 7.30 but get a call and go back out again until who knows when. On one occasion he didn't make it home for 3 days and they had to take him off call for working hour regulations. He didn't sleep in the spare room with either of our babies. He didn't get up in the night either obviously as he needed to be functional for work but he slept in the same bed as me and on the really bad nights when the babies cried all night he did check I was coping ok.

So OP I can see why your DH wouldn't want to get up in the night. That makes sense. But considering you may feel emotional and overwhelmed and perhaps even a bit isolated in the first couple of months it seems a bit sad that he may end up being gone all day and not sharing a bed with you at night either. Won't you want to be intimate at some point after the birth? Does he expect to visit your bed for some sex then leave again?

Horehound · 17/10/2019 18:16

I would do a mix of breastfeeding and bottle feeding expressed milk so that your husband can do the babies last feed at night and also all feeds one night at the weekend.
You will have to do majority and that is fair because then you will have 1 night hopefully to yourself.
And it probably dies make sense he is in another room although that was my plan and I hated the loneliness. However, the baby has had a few bad nights and he has disturbed my husband a few nights in a row and so is very tired before commuting and then working in a lab! You need to compromise for this to work.
But I agree it's difficult to plan until you know ho your baby will be.

thisisthetime · 17/10/2019 18:16

Dh slept with us but when dd1 was born we both got up every feed and he changed her then passed her to me to feed. After a few weeks we realised it was silly us both being up every few hours.

So I’d feed her at 11 before we went to sleep then I’d get up with her anytime before 6 and if it was after 6 he’d get up as I could snooze until about 9 as that’s when she woke for the day. Dd has breast milk and formula so this wasn’t a problem for us though. I think it’ll be trial and error once dc arrives but maybe he could have baby for a few hours before work if he’s got his sleep hours before that anyway.

Horehound · 17/10/2019 18:17

Also, it's easy for your husband to say now because the baby isn't here yet. But after those 2 weeks..well he might not want to be apart from baby either!

manicmij · 17/10/2019 18:20

Seems reasonable. Why should both of you have disturbed sleep. You can have a nap now and again during the day initially when feeding takes up a lot of hours. Earlier suggestion of keeping you company at weekends is also a consideration. Goid Luck when the baby arrives.

firstimemamma · 17/10/2019 18:29

What does dh do for a living? Unless it's a relentless and pressurised job e.g surgeon then I don't think he should get a full nights sleep in the spare room every night.

Establishing breastfeeding is hard work. His priority should be supporting you with this (night time nappy changes, bringing you snacks and drinks etc).

Good luck.

Celebelly · 17/10/2019 18:29

These threads always make me thankful for my own partner

MurphyDog5 · 17/10/2019 18:41

We did weekends together & work nights DH slept in the spare room. DH has a job where the lives of others depend on him having a clear head & being alert. Yes those first few months were exhausting but DHA pulled his weight in other ways. Our DD was a terrible sleeper & there is no way DH could have slept well & performed well at work if he’d have been in the same room as us every night.

SundayGirlB · 17/10/2019 18:41

My baby is five months and EBF wont take a bottle, still waking 4-6 times a night...

This is the arrangement me and my husband have mostly. He sleeps in the spare rooms and relieves me at 5am (we are in bed by 10 at the latest these days so he still gets min 7 hours) so I get a definite 2 hour stint in the morning. On the weekends I sleep in for 4 hours to catch up.

It is unfair, unavoidably so unfortunately and there is no point both being tired.We have the boobs. BUT there are things he can do to help - help to settle the baby at night, let you sleep in where possible etc. It is a scary prospect at first, doing it alone but you've got this OP!

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