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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sleeping arrangements with new baby

333 replies

NCsleep · 16/10/2019 06:39

NC as DSis is on here and DH knows I post.
We are expecting our first DC any day now, currently 40 weeks. DH will be taking paternity leave for 2 weeks and then going back to FT work, fairly stressful job and he's currently out of the house approx 8am-7pm.

He has said that after paternity leave has finished, he'll "have to" sleep in the spare room as he won't be able to function at work with such broken/lack of sleep. He moans now about being knackered with 7+ or 8 hours sleep while I'm getting sod all sleep as am so uncomfortable Hmm

I think that is slightly unreasonable as I'll be knackered too and it's our first baby - also neither of us know quite what to expect yet and how well DC will sleep etc. So I don't feel like we can plan that far ahead yet, whereas he seems to have it in his head that this is what is going to happen.

How do others deal with night times when their DP goes back to work? Some people i know do "shifts" but DH said he couldn't do his job properly if we did this.

I am planning on EBF (so it would be a case of me feeding and him doing nappy changes I guess) and he is generally great, absolutely pulls his weight and will be a good dad so it's definitely not a "why are you having a baby with him"/LTB situation!

OP posts:
LollyBeebee123 · 17/10/2019 18:45

My hubby slept in spare room until our youngest moved into own room. He had a business to run and I agreed this was reasonable. When our other children were young we didn’t do this and he really struggled keeping up with his work. This way things were smoother. Yes I was tired, but there was no sense In us both being exhausted. I was bf so this meant he couldn’t even help feed. Do what feels right for you. You may need some help from him in the early days as the tiredness is overwhelming. But it gets easier as each week passes.

Tistheseason17 · 17/10/2019 18:54

I'm glad hubby slept in the other room. That way he was not tired and could take baby from me when he got in each evening. I also got a lie in at the weekend whe hubby helped more. Worked for us.

Wearywithteens · 17/10/2019 19:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Dragonbreath8 · 17/10/2019 19:02

It's the prioritisation of his own needs I'd be more concerned about than anything else TBH. A lot of men make a massive deal out of the going to work without much sleep thing. And yet women manage to do it after mat leave and for years afterwards with kids (e.g. when you've been up all night cleaning up sick, administering Calpol etc) He needs to be a bit more flexible and wait and see how things work out. It's not just about the newborn bit. My DH said the same and we did the spare room thing. We managed with the first but not with the second as she was a terrible sleeper. 3 years later and we were divorced. Not because of this issue but having kids brought out his true (selfish twat) colours in many ways. Just keep your eyes open I guess and don't bend to his 'needs' so easily unless you're totally happy with that.

Weebleonaworkout · 17/10/2019 19:04

When our Dd1 was born my husband was desperate to be as involved as possible. He also has a stressful job. Up just before 6am out at 7am and home just after 8pm. We would stay in the same room until the first night feed when he'd get up and make me a cuppa then go in the spare room for the duration. He'd then do the nappy change when he got up and do me another cuppa before he left in the morning. It took a few weeks to settle into the routine but we worked it out between us. You'll find your way, try not to worry before the little baby arrives and then just go with the flow.

Mulhollandmagoo · 17/10/2019 19:09

My husband slept in the spare room when he was at work the next day, and did the night shift on the nights when he wasn't at work the next day! I kinda get it, as you can nap in the day when Baba sleeps at home and he can't, if you're planning on breastfeeding then you may find it easier doing the bulk of it yourself....he might mega get on your nerves when you're tired and awake half the night 😂😂 I think he's talking sense xx

Zoejj77 · 17/10/2019 19:09

I’d say I can’t perform my job everyday without good sleep but 2yrs in a doing every wake every night (my husband works nights) I’m still alive (just!) he can and will survive it just hurts a lot

Bubblysqueak · 17/10/2019 19:19

We worked it so that DH stayed up til midnight.and did the last feed while I had an early night. I then took over for the 3am feed onwards so we both got to rest.

Liverpoolgirl · 17/10/2019 19:19

My partner slept in our spare room a number of times, sometimes not to disturb us and others to not disturb him. I do think it makes sense for him to sleep separately some nights, doesn't mean he doesn't love you or it's a red flag Hmm
Literally makes no sense for both of you to be disturbed of a night if you are ebf, overall I honestly think we both ended up sleeping better at the beginning because of it.

Mulhollandmagoo · 17/10/2019 19:22

What I will say in addition to my previous post though, is my daughter is four months old, and I've only just started cooking/doing housework as my husband did it all everyday! So if he's not planning on pitching in at night time I think he needs to do more stuff during the day around the house as you will be tired!

Bluehues · 17/10/2019 19:30

I’d be really sad if hubby wasn’t in bed beside me. During his 2 weeks off he was fully up in the night with me even though I was breastfeeding and he couldn’t help with that, he did everything else, and all the cooking, cleaning, everything! All I did was sit and have cuddles and feed. Tbh after the 2 weeks baby had settled into feeding every two hours but crucially, going to sleep in between so I could cope, just! Now 6 months on I only have to do 1 feed at 4am but hubby sleeps beside me and he does all the mornings, I get a lie in and cuppa in bed every day.

Jodie626 · 17/10/2019 19:32

Sorry to be a downer but he should be doing at least one night feed as he is a parent as well, it's not like you'll be resting all day when he is at work. Looking after a newborn is 100% harder than any job I've done full time, even stressful ones. Once baby has established BF you should pump and let him do at least one. Also, what if the dreaded happens and something happens to you in the night when feeding the baby? You fall asleep out of pure exhaustion from him not doing anything. Or you pass out and he's not there to make sure baby is safe? Also, please don't feel guilty if you find breastfeeding exhausting and feel like life would be easier with a bottle. Trust me, the pros of breastfeeding do not outway your mental health. Plus dad can get extra involved with bottles as he should really not expect you to live on no sleep. Just to clarify, what is more important? Him having a full night sleep or you being alert for your precious baby. I promise that after 3 months, baby will sleep so much better but you both have to get through those first few months as a team.

Jellybeansincognito · 17/10/2019 19:34

I think his plan is sensible, would you really wanting him driving and concentrating all day on lack of sleep?

Whilst he’s off on pat leave or days off then yeah of course he should help, but when he’s working? I don’t think it’s fair that you want him to be as knackered as you when he has to go do a full day of work.

Slowmovingtraffic · 17/10/2019 19:51

Wow ok going against the grain here but my DH never slept in the spare room and in fact my DD was in her own room from 3 weeks (yes I am expecting some shock/horror but it worked for us and her) but the truth was I couldn't sleep with her in the room she was too noisy a sleeper and I was scared I would fall asleep feeding her in bed also my DH works crazy shift patterns and I didn't want him waking her up with his coming in and going out at all hours. We shared the night and day duties in fact sometimes my DH would come in from shift and just automatically take over duties from me even in the middle of the night! He does better than me on little sleep and in his view she's his DD too and in his words I was recovering from the birth. He never once said to me well to our at home not at work and even though I did make sure he had good to eat when he got home and a clean house rtf he did not expect it, to him my job was looking after rd until he got home to share that work! I think your issue OP is more around shared responsibilities than sleeping arrangements to be honest from your post.

spanglydangly · 17/10/2019 19:55

I think his plan is sensible, would you really wanting him driving and concentrating all day on lack of sleep?

But it's ok for OP to drive with no sleep? Not sure OP even said he did drive he could be taking public transport?

Rockhopper10 · 17/10/2019 19:56

OP - you will no doubt devise a system based on your own baby and personalities, but I do have some sympathy with the partner who is worried about how to cope with a stressful busy job with a new baby.

Shifts were definitely the solution in our situation. When we had babies we quicky resorted to a divide-and-conquer system, based on the fact that it seems unnecessary for two people to lose sleep when one person can take the hit (though both of us shared the hit).

Granted, it takes a while (sometimes ages) to get into a routine but here's how it worked for us: I'd try and go to sleep as soon as possible in the evening. Partner would do a dreamfeed late evening then sleep with baby and wake me up in the night to take over. We both managed to get reasonable amount of sleep I think.

Good luck to you and please try not to plan too much in advance. You never know what hand you'll be dealt!

OrangeSlices998 · 17/10/2019 19:58

I’d be thinking about all the other ways DH can support you and how you can split those - cooking washing etc. If you’re doing the nights because you’re EBF then that’s fine but he absolutely has to pull his weight during the evenings and weekends!

blahblahblahblahhh · 17/10/2019 19:59

EBF it seems a bit pointless to wake him "for the sake of it" he doesn't need to get up.
Bottle feeding bit different, take it in turns. My DH used to do the 11pm ish feed (i went to bed like 8-9pm) and then I'd do the 3am feed.

blahblahblahblahhh · 17/10/2019 20:02

EBF it seems a bit pointless to wake him "for the sake of it" he doesn't need to get up.
Bottle feeding bit different, take it in turns. My DH used to do the 11pm ish feed (i went to bed like 8-9pm) and then I'd do the 3am feed.

Also just saying that baby may not wake up every 2 hours. I EBF DS1 and bottle fed DD2 and both slept for 4-5 hours at night from day 1. I only ever got up once.

MeadowHay · 17/10/2019 20:08

Tis your comments arent mutually exclusive though. My DH helped in the night and still did the things you're mentioning - came in and took over DD with the evenings, and gave me a lay in on the weekend. And still helped with nights. Why would it be either/or?

TheFurminator · 17/10/2019 20:12

Haven't rtft but OP, take the offer of him sleeping in the spare room!

Babies wake up all the time, and if you do EBF it's going to be you who is best placed to put her back to sleep. Depending on how atrocious a sleeper your baby is (mine was pretty shocking until after 18 months) you'll want to be able to have her in bed with you sometimes as it's the best way to get maximum sleep (always observe safe sleep guidelines). This is a lot easier if you don't have a partner huffing and puffing and complaining every time the baby wakes up, complaining you never get time "alone" (i.e. bonking) and barracking for baby to go into own room (which you may or may not agree with). My partner flatly refused to go into the spare room and sulked when I suggested baby and I go instead, so we had basically a year of stress before baby went into her own room, whereupon I got to spend most of my nights in a chair or later curled up on 6 square inches of toddler bed. This went on even after I had gone back to work, I was like the walking dead.

Treasure the partner who prioritises maximum sleep for everyone and doesn't try to fight against the way babies are designed to behave. it's mature and sensible.

DaniLaLaLand · 17/10/2019 20:24

My husband sleeps in the spare room. I do all the night shifts. I'd rather have a functioning husband than a tired grumpy one any day. Babies grow up too fast anyway so nightshifts will be over in a blink of an eye. I love and cherish my night cuddles even though I'm exhausted!

Babynamechangerr · 17/10/2019 20:36

As you can see OP there are couples who seem to have to do everything together with a baby (whether it's night feeds, doing bath time or getting the early vaccinations done).

Then there are couples who divide and conquer.

Neither is wrong but you have to agree which one you're going to be otherwise it breeds resentment.

I personally think that keeping your dh up just to change nappies is pointless and will just lead to you both being tired and snappy.

I think if he is working then the deal is that he gets his decent sleep during the week but when he gets home in the evening he steps up in terms of sorting laundry, cooking dinner, unloading the dishwasher etc without complaining, and gives you an hour whilst holding the baby to go have a bath etc.

When I only had one baby that was really what we did, I didn't expect him to lose sleep just because I was because I was the one breastfeeding.

Now I have a newborn with other dc and dh takes responsibility for the older dc, so doesn't help with the baby at all really.

Frouby · 17/10/2019 20:48

I would have loved a spare room to evict dh to when ds was a newborn. I would shushing and soothing ds all night so he didn't wake ds up, then dh would snore, or his alarm would go off or I worried about co sleeping with 2 adults etc etc etc.

Luckily dh was working away mon to fri when ds was tiny, then he usually ended up on the sofa.

I also bf. Rarely needed to change a nappy anyway and ds was less disturbed without 2 adults in the room.

As long as your dh does his share when he is home from work I think it's fine. I used to have 1 lie in out of the 2 at a weekend and also napped a lot Saturday and Sunday afternoon, firstly with ds then later on when he wasn't as boob dependent by myself.

Certainly in the early months until ds was about 6 months old it was very much the 4th trimester. It was exhausting but I wouldn't have been any less exhausted with dh waking to change a nappy occasionally.

With dh away I could safely co sleep, boob all night and my alarm went off a lot later (to get dd to school) than what dhs did.

It's not about making sure everyone is equally as exhausted it's about what works best for the family.

HippyMama90 · 17/10/2019 20:58

He's right to sleep in the other room, he has a stressful job he needs to be alert for, there will be 2 nights a week where he can help out during the night and take baby in the morning while you catch up on sleep. My ebf baby slept for 90mins at a time until he was 4 month old, that was fun. I couldn't have gone out to work after being woken like that through the night.

I have a friend who was in a similar situation but formula fed baby she expected her OH to do every other night feed then go work a 12hr shift and it put a huge strain on their relationship which ended up breaking down (Not entirely due to nightfeeds of course but the added resentment didn't help).

Personally the parent staying at home should pick up the night feeds.