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DP wont help with baby

(146 Posts)
girlmummy25 Thu 17-Oct-19 03:44:24

My DD is 4.5months and DP doesnt do much for her. He doesnt feed her, change her or bath her at home (will help if we are out though)
If she cries 99% of the time its me that soothes her.
He doesnt do any night feeds and has probably done a handful since she was born and definitely hasnt in the last 2 months.

I have a work night out planned on a thursday night, he is saying he will look after her but wont do a night waking past midnight because he has work the next day.
Ive never been out before and left him with DD at night.
AIBU to expect him to look after our DD in the night for one night when he has work the next day? (At about 8am)
Feeling like im pretty much doing this alone sad

Russell19 Thu 17-Oct-19 03:50:28

Hmmmm I get what he means about work although I'm sure one night wouldn't kill him. Can't your night out be a Friday or Saturday when he is off the next day?

MustardScreams Thu 17-Oct-19 03:51:56

Why should everyone have to change their plans to suit op’s shit, lazy, twat of a dp?

RolyHappyNorrieTagBetty Thu 17-Oct-19 04:15:46

Please stop seeing it as him 'helping' you- that implies it's your job and anything he does in terms of raising his child is a bonus.
Does he not do anything in the night at all? So he gets a full undisturbed 8 hours each night while you get broken sleep? I appreciate he may need more than you for work if you're not getting too much, but I think it's unfair to put the full burden of nights on you, especially as you have it all day too.
He sounds like a complete and utter waste of space. What a sorry excuse for a father.

RolyHappyNorrieTagBetty Thu 17-Oct-19 04:17:44

Also why isn't he doing at least 50% of the feeds, nappy changes etc at the weekends/when he's not at work?
I think you need a serious conversation about how he needs to start acting like a grownup and not a child and take responsibility for his child.

LittlePaintBox Thu 17-Oct-19 04:38:40

Wow, he's really missing out - when does he plan to get to know his daughter?

If she cries while you're out, he will have to do a night waking, unless he's planning to put ear plugs in?

Don't let him con you into never going out and doing the lion's share of the baby-related work. Lots of parents cope with work after broken nights when their children are small.

notmytea Thu 17-Oct-19 05:36:59

My dp did this, 5 years on our DD goes to me for everything and him for nothing, they have a shit bond because she can't see him as someone who cares for her. It's easy for him to opt out now but he'll regret it.

GoBrookeYourself Thu 17-Oct-19 05:46:11

It’s not ‘helping’ you because it’s his job too. His attitude is disgusting, he should be doing half of everything; it will only get more difficult as baby gets older if they only know you as the primary caregiver too, because when they start getting clingy, want soothing etc, you’ll be the one they’ll only be comfortable with.

Your DH is being unreasonable here- what does he plan to do past midnight then? Just ignore her? Although I do understand he has work the next day, it’s one night. What time were you planning on being back?

Countryescape Thu 17-Oct-19 05:51:55

If he’s not going to parent then leave him. Please stop referring to it as “helping”. It’s called parenting and you are both equally responsible. Please don’t take this crap from him!!

ChrisPrattsFace Thu 17-Oct-19 05:56:01

I would worry he wouldn’t care for her properly when you went out!

MindyStClaire Thu 17-Oct-19 05:59:27

He sounds like a complete asshole. The only excuse for not doing night feeds is that the baby is breastfed. Since yours isn't, he's perfectly capable, he's just refusing to parent his child.

I've just posted on another thread about an ebf six week old. At that stage, the dad's role is all about supporting the mum. A four month old on bottles? Time for him to step the fuck up and parent his child.

If the baby won't settle for him, ask him why he thinks that is.

And tell him he needs to get used to night waking now, because he'll need to do half when you're back at work - he surely can't expect you to be up in the night before a day's work every day if he can't do it once.

blackcat86 Thu 17-Oct-19 06:11:11

I would also be concerned that having put no effort in with baby, he wont be able to care for them properly. DH was awful when DD was born and i was ready for divorce. Everything we had agreed at nct was out the window and he did literally nothing with her despite her being FF (she was really poorly after a traumatic birth and special care stay so we never established bf). I found several things helped - this might sound pathetic but i told him that he absolutely must do 1 thing per day with baby. Could be a bottle, nappy, whatever but it got him in the routine and her more used to dad. I insisted on couples counselling and also told the truth (loudly) when others asked that DH was doing nothing. Dont hide it for him. You say he helps when you're out? I bet that's all for show so people say what a fantastic dad he is. Would you consider kicking him out? If you're going it alone anyway then why have him there at all.

Bobismyfriend Thu 17-Oct-19 06:22:09

I disagree that he won't be able to care for baby properly while you are out. He is her father, probably competent and will step up cos he will have to. He might not do it the same as you but that's ok and he needs to get used to it.

Definitely you need to go out and have a break. That night I would be expecting him to get up to baby even if he has work. A few hours less sleep will not kill him. Even if he has to be a bit tired at work! That is what coffee is for!! My husband was perfectly happy to take things in turns with me.

Notajogger Thu 17-Oct-19 06:28:01

This:
Please stop referring to it as “helping”. It’s called parenting and you are both equally responsible. Please don’t take this crap from him!!

This needs to be tackled asap or it'll only get worse. sad

Laserbird16 Thu 17-Oct-19 06:33:18

So what is Cindefella's plan here? Both for this night out and long-term? He is just going to wait until she is 18 and then step up? Parenting doesn't work like that.

I'd have a serious chat with him about WTAF he is doing. If it is lack of confidence the more he does the more confident he will be.

Onceuponasilvermoon Thu 17-Oct-19 06:38:13

Yabu

I think that his idea of looking after her until midnight is reasonable.

If she is a poor sleeper and you are on maternity sleep then you are more able to rest and take the next day more easily.

If you were both back at work then you would have to share night wakings.

But he could also take paternity leave and then be responsible for night wakings as he wouldn’t be at work.

Maybe plan a weekend night out where he could do night wakings instead.

FenellaMaxwell Thu 17-Oct-19 06:38:15

So what’s he planning to do if she wakes after midnight? Leave her to scream? What is the actual point of him if he’s both unpleasant and unhelpful?

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth Thu 17-Oct-19 06:40:01

When I was on maternity leave dh did all the night feeds if she needed a bottle, I bf her too. That's despite going to work every day. He did all bath times after work and I went to the gym 3 times a week too. Working is no excuse. He is a parent

C0untDucku1a Thu 17-Oct-19 06:43:13

Go home at 7am. Lazy shit.

INeedNewShoes Thu 17-Oct-19 06:46:20

Would he never go for a night out himself on a work night? Is his job one where a little tiredness would compromise his/others' safety?

I have to say that, to me, this sounds absolutely pathetic and so disappointing for you. I'd be having a serious sit down conversation with him and pointing out that most fathers manage to muster a nappy change/bottle feed/bath a day.

Is he looking after you at all, cooking etc.?

AlwaysCheddar Thu 17-Oct-19 06:49:06

He’s a loser. I’d be getting rid.

Biancadelrioisback Thu 17-Oct-19 06:57:41

I know you can't test this but I'd like to know if he would actually follow through and leave his infant daughter to scream all night once it reaches midnight. What would his plan be? Try and sleep through? Leave? Move baby across the house?
When it comes to children this age, you really can't call his bluff because the consequences would be awful for your baby, but without showing himself to be the unfittest of unfit parents he would have to step up.

Biancadelrioisback Thu 17-Oct-19 07:01:38

And have my first LTB.
Anyone who would even threaten to put their child at risk to suit their own selfish needs is an unfit parent and is absolutely not a partner.

maddening Thu 17-Oct-19 07:04:29

He could book annual leave so he could give you.a lie in also

crazychemist Thu 17-Oct-19 07:04:54

YANBU to want him to step up generally, but maybe a little bit U to stay out past midnight if you know it is very likely to cause him a really broken night.

It sounds harsh, but if you are the one on maternity leave, you are likely the one that is able to catch up on some sleep at other times (although I admit I was totally crap at this). Your “job” currently is looking after your baby, hwhich is very tough but gets easier. So he should be able to take an evening, but if he wouldn’t manage at work the next day if he had to do lots of night wakings, then can you be back by midnight?

On the other hand, there’s no excuse for him not stepping up more generally. Do you get any time to yourself? Unless there’s a specific reason why he can’t do some time with your DD each day, he really really should otherwise she won’t bond with him and he’ll struggle with her when she’s older. My DH had very little time with our DD (training on the job as a teacher in a school that was a long way away, so he would get home late, leave early and be exhausted most of the time), and that has been a very tough cycle for him to break. She’s now 3, and although he does have time with her, if we’re both home she shows a very strong preference for me which I think is saddening to him. He also finds it difficult to provide basic care for her because she is non-cooperative towards him - she’ll let my mum help her clean her teeth/do her hair etc with no fuss, but apparently she makes it very difficult for DH.

This won’t change unless you make it change. I wouldn’t start by pushing it on work nights as I imagine he’ll respond badly, but at weekends you need to make sure he steps up. Arrange some short coffeee dates etc with friends to make sure he gets regular, but initially short time with DD (I feel like it’s unfair on her otherwise, because she’s little to be with someone she doesn’t really know that might not be confident with handling her - they pick up on this). Insist that he does alternate nappies at the weekend.

Do you also do the majority of other work around the home? While you could argue it makes sense for you to do more of it during the week (depends a lot on your circumstances and you baby), does he cook meals at the weekend? Or is this a generally lazy bugger situation?

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