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Original poster

Sleeping arrangements with new baby

333 replies

NCsleep · 16/10/2019 06:39

NC as DSis is on here and DH knows I post.
We are expecting our first DC any day now, currently 40 weeks. DH will be taking paternity leave for 2 weeks and then going back to FT work, fairly stressful job and he's currently out of the house approx 8am-7pm.

He has said that after paternity leave has finished, he'll "have to" sleep in the spare room as he won't be able to function at work with such broken/lack of sleep. He moans now about being knackered with 7+ or 8 hours sleep while I'm getting sod all sleep as am so uncomfortable Hmm

I think that is slightly unreasonable as I'll be knackered too and it's our first baby - also neither of us know quite what to expect yet and how well DC will sleep etc. So I don't feel like we can plan that far ahead yet, whereas he seems to have it in his head that this is what is going to happen.

How do others deal with night times when their DP goes back to work? Some people i know do "shifts" but DH said he couldn't do his job properly if we did this.

I am planning on EBF (so it would be a case of me feeding and him doing nappy changes I guess) and he is generally great, absolutely pulls his weight and will be a good dad so it's definitely not a "why are you having a baby with him"/LTB situation!

OP posts:
Pharlapwasthebest · 16/10/2019 07:10

What is the point of two exhausted parents, if the baby is ebf?
Just seems like making a point for the sake of it. As long as he supports you, helps around the house etc the rest of the time?
It also makes it generally easier if one of you is rested, so you’re not sniping at each other because you’re both exhausted.
Just make sure you sleep during the day when the baby sleeps.

CAG12 · 16/10/2019 07:10

I think hes being reasonable. Working the hours he does and expecting him to get up a nights means he'll be awake for about 18 hours a day. This is unsustainable.

I think wait to see how your baby sleeps, however your husband needs to function at work

Ihateedmundelephant · 16/10/2019 07:13

If he’s going back to work then I think it’s fair that he sleeps in the spare room as he has long days. That’s what DH and I did, and then when I went back to work we shared and took it in turns to feed baby (we breastfed and formula fed)

DappledThings · 16/10/2019 07:13

My 2 were ebf so no feeding DH could do but we changed how our routine as as the babies changed their routines. I would try to sleep early evening a bit if I could and first few months was just feed, put back down and DH didn't usually wake up. DC1 took the 4 month regression hard and we had 5 months after that of taking turns walking him up and down fo a couple of hours each night. I tried to do most of it, DH did at least 1 night in 4 and would always say to wake him more.

Once we had DC2 DC1 was still under 2 and started a new phase of 2 hour wake ups around 3am. DH dealt with all of that.

Only time he slept elsewhere was the 2 times he had a long drive the next day and the few times he ended up in with the toddler to get him back to sleep

Marinetta · 16/10/2019 07:14

My partner and I shared a bed for the first week after the birth and after that I couldn't take any more and chucked him out in to the spare room. As a new mother you need all the sleep you can get and being disturbed by someone next to you snoring, coughing, rolling over and stealing the blanket is incredibly frustrating. Many nights I found myself taking the baby to sleep in the spare room because my partner was disturbing me so much I couldnt sleep when the baby was asleep. Him sleeping in the spare room probably helped me to maintain my sanity.

dottiedodah · 16/10/2019 07:14

I dont think this is entirely unreasonable TBH. However unless he is wearing earplugs, he will probably be awake some of the time anyway .Probably best to see how you go really .Maybe he could sleep in there Mon /Thurs then with you on W/E nights .I cant sleep very well on my own now and my children are a lot older!

Youseethethingis · 16/10/2019 07:14

I don’t see how a dad (especially when back at work anyway) can possibly do 50% of everything for an EBF baby Hmm
If you’re up every 3-4 hours for at least half an hour or so at a time, only a few minutes of that is nappy change time and not really worth waking up Dad to deal with just to tick a box to day he’s “done his bit”. Maybe you could consider expressing once you’re getting in to the swing of things and have a better idea what would work best for you?
IMHO, your DHs role should be to take as much of the housework load off you as he possibly can, even if it means he gets up an hour earlier than normal. The less there is for you to do, the more you can focus on baby and catching some naps throughout the day when baby sleeps without feeling that you either have to live in chaos or keep working when you really need a sleep!
I was lucky my DH can work from home so he swerved the morning commute and did around 50% of nights. We had one of us sleeping on the sofa while the other was upstairs enjoying a blissful uninterrupted night. He didn’t want the person responsible for looking after his tiny baby to be a sleep deprived zombie. Plus he loves me and stuff. We were able to do that because of his work set up, but as I said if that’s not possible your DH should step up elsewhere to keep the whole show on the road while you focus on the baby.

ChilledBee · 16/10/2019 07:15

So the is plan to set a silent alarm on my smart watch to wake me up for feeds without waking my husband up.

You realise the baby will scream and wake everyone up when they want to feed, right? They don't feed on a rolling 4 hour schedule.. especially BF babies.

Also, I didn't want to spend the best part of every evening asleep so him doing 6pm-night time wouldn't work for me long term. I don't want to be asleep every day when my friends/family come home from work and could call/pop round.

ChilledBee · 16/10/2019 07:16

Okay,my babies were EBF. Dad got up because they don't only wake for feeds and it was also nice to have someone semi awake when you feed so when you're ready to lie back down they cuddle you to sleep. Less lonely. More supportive.

Tobebythesea · 16/10/2019 07:17

With our first child we had the similar idea as your DH. He’s out of the house 7.30-8. During the week I did every feed and he would do the weekends. I was utterly exhausted and ended up resenting him.

We’ve just had baby number 2 and we’re 2 months in. We are doing me in spare room until 12 and then he goes into spare room. It’s SO much better getting that 3-4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. We are both fine.

You don’t realise how noisy newborns can be whilst they sleep. It can sound like you are sharing a room with a wild animal.i find it impossible to sleep whereas my DH is a heavy sleeper so can without issues.

I bottle fed though.

Bouncebacker · 16/10/2019 07:17

I EBF and co-slept and it used to drive me insane when DH was awake in the night - he didn’t have boobs, if I didn’t have boobs I’d have been asleep! I used to feed the baby up and then hand him over when DH got in and go for a bath, sleep in the early evening, and DH would bring him to me when he next needed feeding, then settle him for the night - but night feeds were up to me, because I have boobs and breastfeeding was important to me. For my best pal, sleep and sharing that part of parenting was the right thing for her and her family so they mix fed.

Timeless19 · 16/10/2019 07:18

My husband slept in the spare room after the first 4 weeks, he “supported” us in other ways eg. Making money, dinner & doing the laundry. I EBF and it was pointless both of us losing sleep so I could feel supported. I won’t lie it was lonely at times and it did occasionally piss me off that he was tucked up asleep whilst I was awake with the baby but that is life with a newborn, adjusting to a new normal.

I had a routine in place quickly and my DD was doing 4-6 hour stretches overnight and we could both sleep in whilst my husband had to get up and go to work.

Wait and see what happens when the baby arrives. I loved BF but the problem is that unless you are committed to expressing (I personally wasn’t) the baby is reliant on you for that first 6 months.

Bouncebacker · 16/10/2019 07:19

And learn to feed lying down, then you just need to be awake to latch them on - until they get a bit bigger then they latch on themselves and everyone stays asleep

Bouncebacker · 16/10/2019 07:20

Obviously follow Safe co-sleeping guidlines

Mumoftoo19 · 16/10/2019 07:20

So my DC is EBF and DH started sleeping on the sofa because he works early and sometimes baby would end up in bed with me ect if he was really unsettled as he was quite poorly. DC is now 8 months and he is still on the sofa which is hard. It does cause tension. I understand they need good sleep to work but I feel he should be up there with us on the weekends at least. I'd say that the spare room thing may work as especially for the first few weeks baby will more likely want you and a feed to settle. Just dont let it go on for as long as I have. I've got bored of asking him to come back upstairs now.

happydays00 · 16/10/2019 07:21

I did all night wakings with my first Monday to Friday. DH would work Saturdays too so sometimes helped on a Saturday night, but mostly didn't. It was the cause of huge arguments and I resented him massively.

We're now 2 months in with my second and DH sleeps in the spare room with DS until 12/1am and then brings him into me for the rest of the night. I sleep in the spare room on a Saturday night and get an uninterrupted night. It's been so much better this time and both of us are functioning fine! I'm mix feeding.

FurryGiraffe · 16/10/2019 07:21

I think if you EBF, a lot of it depends on how your baby is and also how you both sleep. Both my DC were wake/feed/conk out and back in the cot type babies when tiny, so there was nothing for DH to do. But if your baby was reflux-y and needed to be help upright for a long time after feeding, or was prone to doing huge explosive poos after every feed, it would be a bit different. Also, while hopefully you'll be able to sleep in the day, that won't necessarily be the case (neither of mine would sleep in the day unless moving/on me). I used to hand mine over to DH at 5 and get a couple of unbroken hours before he went to work.

I think play it by ear and see how you and the baby are. It's fine for your DH to get some undisturbed sleep in the spare room if everything is straightforward and there's nothing for him to do at night. Not so much if you're struggling or things are difficult and you need nighttime support.

HenSolo · 16/10/2019 07:22

We ended up doing this - dp in spare room while I woke with baby. HOWEVER he also took baby at 6-8am while getting ready for work and at the weekends I had a lie in. Otherwise I would have died of sleep deprivation I think Confused
Now dc are older and not ebf he does his share of nights/mornings

Entirely reasonable to do what works as a family. Not reasonable to decide before baby comes that he needs more sleep than you

Lessthanzero · 16/10/2019 07:22

Most men I know, dh included have an amazing ability to sleep through the baby crying.

Tbh breastfed newborns anrt that noisy. They start to stir you wake up put them on the breast and all is quiet again. I have a little reading light so I don't have to turn the big one on and I'd take her out to change her. Although once they're a bit older they don't tend to need changing at night.

The only issue we had was me going to the toilet when baby woke, so she would start screaming.

NeedAnExpert · 16/10/2019 07:23

It's dangerous to look after a newborn when you've been woken every 2 hours for days.

My DH worked away Sunday night - Friday night. I didn’t have a choice!

Neither do the partners of military servicemen, oil rig workers etc.

ChilledBee · 16/10/2019 07:23

What I don't understand is that many babies get to 1 without sleeping through or even developing worse sleeping patterns and many mums are back at work then. Do the husbands then magically agree that it needs to be 50/50 when the mum returns to work or after a year of night time being "her business", do they suddenly step up and realise that she needs a bit of kip of a night too?

ladyshapes82 · 16/10/2019 07:26

Going against the grain here but my second baby is twelve weeks old, my husband works, I’m EBF and the three of us sleep in the same room (often in the same bed as my son is not at all keen on sleeping in the Snuzpod). We’d just rather do it all together and we see it as a joint endeavour. I have told him that he’s welcome to sleep in the spare room to get some unbroken rest, but he wants to be with me and our child and support me, and I’m really grateful for it. We don’t see each other all day, so we wouldn’t want to be apart at night as well.

ChilledBee · 16/10/2019 07:26

My DH worked away Sunday night - Friday night. I didn’t have a choice!*

Neither do the partners of military servicemen, oil rig workers etc

You have a choice not to have a partner in those professions. I certainly wouldn't. People who choose that know what they're signing up for.

HungryForApples · 16/10/2019 07:29

You're right that you won't know what works for you until the baby is here and your DP is right that it's likely he'll spend some nights in the spare room.

I agree with previous posters that you should let him get his sleep during the week (you can nap with the baby in the day) but then in return he should let you have a lie in during the weekend (once the baby takes a bottle of expresses milk) & he should do the household chores (especially in the first couple of months - make sure he's aware that you won't be able to do them even though you're technically home all day)

Delilah7 · 16/10/2019 07:30

@NCsleep my other half when we first came out of hospital really struggling with the sleep aswell as me but after a little while he just got used to it. It really made us argue when we were both sleep deprived so I don't think it's a bad idea, however baby will be there for 6 months ( if you keep them in your room that long ) so... be good if he could get used to it. However newborn days are difficult. Thinking of you x