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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleeping arrangements with new baby

333 replies

NCsleep · 16/10/2019 06:39

NC as DSis is on here and DH knows I post.
We are expecting our first DC any day now, currently 40 weeks. DH will be taking paternity leave for 2 weeks and then going back to FT work, fairly stressful job and he's currently out of the house approx 8am-7pm.

He has said that after paternity leave has finished, he'll "have to" sleep in the spare room as he won't be able to function at work with such broken/lack of sleep. He moans now about being knackered with 7+ or 8 hours sleep while I'm getting sod all sleep as am so uncomfortable Hmm

I think that is slightly unreasonable as I'll be knackered too and it's our first baby - also neither of us know quite what to expect yet and how well DC will sleep etc. So I don't feel like we can plan that far ahead yet, whereas he seems to have it in his head that this is what is going to happen.

How do others deal with night times when their DP goes back to work? Some people i know do "shifts" but DH said he couldn't do his job properly if we did this.

I am planning on EBF (so it would be a case of me feeding and him doing nappy changes I guess) and he is generally great, absolutely pulls his weight and will be a good dad so it's definitely not a "why are you having a baby with him"/LTB situation!

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 17/10/2019 21:26

@MeadowHay
Why would it be either/or

I didn't say it was? What did you read that said that??
Just said what worked for us. I did not say it was the only way?
Why do some posters read into an innocent comment about what worked for one couple? Confused

RoseLillian · 17/10/2019 21:33

I BF my eldest till over 2 years and still BF my youngest 18 months. To a certain extent it is right that there is often very little your DH can do. In those early days though it can be very hard. My oldest in particular drove me to breaking point when she just wouldn’t sleep. I was just so sleep deprived. It was important at times like that that DH stepped in. I think your DH will have a rude awakening if he thinks he can maintain his 8 hours. You really can’t be too precious about your sleep when you have kids. It isn’t just when they’re tiny either. My 18 month old is currently going through a really bad stage and yes I still have to get up and go to work. Even older than that when they’re sick they will need you. It can’t just always land on one parent to deal with. I am not saying he shouldn’t ever go and sleep in the spare room, if that works for all 3 of you then fine. My concern is he has already decided what is best for HIM, without considering what is best for you and the baby. Please sit down and speak to him about this. It is hard at the start, but it is worth it. You just muddle through really and do your best. Good luck Op.

Tiptopj · 17/10/2019 21:41

My husband had the spare room when our baby was a newborn and it worked well for us. In return for getting the spare room and therefore a full nights sleep he did the vast majority of housework, he cooked dinner every night, he called in the shop on his way home and picked up things we needed, he took over in the evening so I could have a bath or shower and a break and I had the weekends as a lie in. We were both tired but neither or us ever felt exhausted because we worked together

teaandkitkats · 17/10/2019 21:50

Just do exactly what works for you when the time comes. We preferred not to have both parents tired - I EBF’d all night (forget changing nappies - leave them till the morning) - DH got up with the baby after the 6 am feed to give me a break before he went to work. Likewise at weekends. I slept on in the mornings and he took a mid afternoon nap. You will find your way through!

greeneyedlulu · 17/10/2019 21:58

I'm expecting my 2nd soon and plan to do all the night stuff as I remember the days/nights of lack of sleep etc and yes looking after a baby is hard work but you're not running to someone else's time table with trains to catch etc, you can nap when baby does. However if I ask my partner to help, stay up with baby I know he will

SuperSue77 · 17/10/2019 22:02

Of Those people who expect the working partner to share in the night activities, I just wonder whether those partners have mentally taxing jobs? My husband couldn’t have done his job with disturbed nights and not did I expect him to when I was on maternity leave and could rest during the day. My husband slept in the spare room so that he could maintain his job and continue to support me and the children, so I don’t think it was unreasonable of him at all.

yorkshirebird2382 · 17/10/2019 22:13

Honestly? Wait until the baby arrives before getting into heated discussions about who is sleeping where and who needs most sleep. Every baby is different and its such a massive life change that neither of you can truly know how you will feel and what you will need. I would say though that I breastfed our second and I wouldn't have woke my OH up to change her nappy when I was up anyway but I did expect him to up his game during the day when he was around. I actually really enjoyed the nights just being me and her and no one else

53rdWay · 17/10/2019 22:15

Of Those people who expect the working partner to share in the night activities, I just wonder whether those partners have mentally taxing jobs?

Yes he does. I also have a mentally taxing job myself so I know fine well it’s doable when you’re tired, as thousands of working parents do every day.

TurquoiseDress · 17/10/2019 22:24

I think your DH has a point about sleep and being able to function at work

With us DH went into sleep in DC1's room (on a very comfy inflatable bed!) once he was back at work after 2 weeks

I was in our bedroom with baby DC2, doing night feeds etc...
His parents were here for 1 month, came half way through his paternity leave. They slept on the lounge floor and I spent a lot of time getting stressed, trying to keep the baby quiet so as not to wake everyone up.

I actually felt way less stressed when DH was back at work and our home was all ours once again!

Making the most of daytime naps especially once DC1 was back at school kept me going. I decided to prioritise my sleep (& sanity!) over the laundry, washing up, general cleaning and tidying.

What you could do is try to share the night wakings on a Friday and Saturday night- this only really works if you're both staying at home and have no big commitments planned over the weekend e.g. big boozy night out on a friday for him and then pretty much useless on the saturday etc

TurquoiseDress · 17/10/2019 22:28

Also there's a lot to be said for not having two massively sleep deprived parents!

I was happy to do all the night feeds/activities as the thing that kept me going was knowing that I did not have to get up and go to work the next morning!

yes it was tough, but some days being able to just lie down- or even get back into bed!- after the school run, really helped me cope with it all

peachgreen · 17/10/2019 22:33

Love all these people "resting during the day" with a newborn. Mine clearly didn't get the memo as she didn't nap for longer than 20 minutes at a time until she was about 4 months old, and even then it had to be whilst being cuddled and rocked. There was no resting during the day. My DH was off with 2 months as I had severe PND so he knew full well that a day at work (office job) was a million times easier than staying at home. We shared nights equally and it's the only way I stayed sane. Once she started only waking once a night I did the night feed apart from at weekends but in those early days it was all hands on deck.

Aquilla · 17/10/2019 22:37

No point whatsoever for him to be awake! Nappies are the easy bit and take minutes. This is what we do.

Horehound · 17/10/2019 22:40

I agree. I have never slept in the day with my baby! He doesn't sleep much in the day and if he does in still wired and set up for day. I can't nap

bluebeck · 17/10/2019 22:40

YABU

If you are EBF ( as I did x 2 for 14 months each) then what is the point of your DH being up in the night too?

If the baby is colicky then you absolutely will NOT be able to sleep whilst DH deals with it. You are biologically programmed to be completely unable to sleep so long as your baby needs you. This is how the human race has survived and prospered.

When your baby sleeps during the day ( and all babies sleep at some point unless they have something seriously wrong) then that is when you sleep. Why are you worried about sleeping on the sofa? So long as your baby is safe, it doesn't matter if they are in a crib/cot/changing mat/ etc etc

I suspect that when the baby arrives, Dh will be annoying the fuck out of you by getting up in the night and offering useless advice/getting in the bloody way Grin Don't worry, it's a lovely time. Enjoy it.

Misskg1982 · 17/10/2019 22:41

We did this, although it was the sofa for him as we don't have a spare room. But it defo helped him when he had work and then we took it in turns when he was home. Although I must say I did most of the sleepless nights even when I stopped breast feeding. He seemed to be able to sleep through all the out crys and screaming. A few good elbow digs put way to that hahaha.

Sparrowlegs248 · 17/10/2019 22:44

I don't think it's a bad idea for him to sleep in another room BUT he should get up early with the baby to give you a couple of hours or you go to bed while he looks after the baby in the evening. It might be an idea to do 1 bottle a day (I didn't with dc1 but did with dc2) so that he can give the baby a bottle at night whole you get an early night

Cockadoodledooo · 17/10/2019 22:50

When ds2 was born dh was away Sunday to Friday, so obviously all night wakings etc were down to me. Friday nights were always my 'night off' and I'd decamp (with earplugs!) to the sofa bed. Just that one night of unbroken sleep was usually enough to recharge me, but he'd offer for the Saturday night too.
Worked for us, but we didn't really have any other option!

Yeahthatthing · 17/10/2019 22:50

I much prefer DP in another room. I also found if he got 5 hours solid sleep I could wake him around 5 and then get a few solid hours myself before he left for work. Broken sleep is so much worse than just less sleep.

I also found I'd get the rage watching him sleep soundly next to me. I also don't see the point in you both being awake and knackered. I did all feeds (ebf). I'd change before the feed- on the bed, all stuff on the night stand. By the time I'd woken him to do the change, he'd got out of bed etc I could have done it and baby be settled again. Mine both sleep on the boob so no resettling by DP needed I never got out of bed. After around 8 weeks you tend to stop needing to change them in the night (size up the nappies for night time once they stop pooping every feed).

So I'd say let him get on with it.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 17/10/2019 22:55

We did this, might be different if you bottle feed, DH would then take over from six until about half eight am and I'd catch up on some sleep. If it'd been a bad night he'd also take over from about 7 until eleven the following evening, so I could sleep, just bringing DS to me if he needed feeding and wouldn't take expressed in a bottle. I also napped a lot with DS during the day, stuff the housework.

RoseLillian · 17/10/2019 23:02

It amuses me all this he should get up early with the baby. My oldest Dd the earliest she went to sleep in the first 8 weeks was 3.30am. The latest was 6am. That is the time I finally got some sleep. DH would clearly not have been helpful taking her at this time. My point being you can’t make a rule before baby being born, because you can be sure baby won’t follow your rules.

Also frustrating on this post is the people saying, oh but you get to nap when they do. Not when you have a baby who will only sleep in the day being held.

RidingMyBike · 17/10/2019 23:14

Yes, we slept separately for first six weeks until baby was reliably sleeping a block of 6+ hours. Couldn’t see the point of both of us being sleep-deprived! Baby was combi-fed after my milk was very delayed coming in. But DH came home from work at about 5pm (he left the house in the morning at 6.30am) and was then ‘in charge’ of the baby for 3-4 hours which gave me a chance to get a block of sleep in without having to respond. He also did all of the cleaning and laundry and we split cooking between us (relying heavily on pre-baby batch cooking, ready meals and the slow cooker!).
It’s about being flexible and being aware of each other’s needs.

Dragonbreath8 · 17/10/2019 23:48

Perhaps gently suggest to your husband that he starts to get his head around the fact that his sleep/life will never be the same again. Great if he sleeps in the spare room for the first few weeks but might be worth considering what you will do if you don't have a baby/child who snaps into a sleep 8 hrs per night routine.

Timtims · 18/10/2019 07:07

Can't believe posters are so spectacularly missing the point. It's not about whether OPs DH sleeps in the spare room or not. It's about his poor attitude!

ChilledBee · 18/10/2019 07:15

Those people who expect the working partner to share in the night activities, I just wonder whether those partners have mentally taxing jobs?

Yes. But we also have grown up husbands.

edgeofheaven · 18/10/2019 07:31

Those people who expect the working partner to share in the night activities, I just wonder whether those partners have mentally taxing jobs?

Both DH and I have mentally taxing jobs, and I woke up with both DCs even after I went to work because I was breastfeeding. When I was back at work we split the night - before 2 AM I handled on my own, after 2 AM as soon as baby was fed handed to him and I went back to sleep. We both managed and functioned fine.