Sleeping arrangements with new baby

[NCsleep]

NC as DSis is on here and DH knows I post.
We are expecting our first DC any day now, currently 40 weeks. DH will be taking paternity leave for 2 weeks and then going back to FT work, fairly stressful job and he's currently out of the house approx 8am-7pm.

He has said that after paternity leave has finished, he'll "have to" sleep in the spare room as he won't be able to function at work with such broken/lack of sleep. He moans now about being knackered with 7+ or 8 hours sleep while I'm getting sod all sleep as am so uncomfortable

I think that is slightly unreasonable as I'll be knackered too and it's our first baby - also neither of us know quite what to expect yet and how well DC will sleep etc. So I don't feel like we can plan that far ahead yet, whereas he seems to have it in his head that this is what is going to happen.

How do others deal with night times when their DP goes back to work? Some people i know do "shifts" but DH said he couldn't do his job properly if we did this.

I am planning on EBF (so it would be a case of me feeding and him doing nappy changes I guess) and he is generally great, absolutely pulls his weight and will be a good dad so it's definitely not a "why are you having a baby with him"/LTB situation!

This might drag out into several months if she has a very colicky or refluxy baby or something, but generally babies, even if they still wake, spend most of night time asleep once you are 6 months in. I really don't think "but where is the couple time?!" is something she or anybody needs to worry about to begin with

Okay, I think this was probably important to me because QT as a couple was an issue we fixed before babies so going into parenthood, it was probably something we considered both out loud and privately and luckily we were on the same page about how we would navigate it.

I think we were aware that the rough nights if the first few weeks could extend for the variety of reasons listed and that's why shifts aren't a default option for us. We didn't want to be a year in and still not having evenings together because I'm asleep and he's settling 2 miserable babies alone.

I'm saying how I think we arrived at this decision because why we do what we (the responders) do might be more important than what we actually do. Especially as baby isn't here yet.

Plenty of women are back at work, and are are also doctors/nurses/pilots/giving important presentations/running companies and I would bet everything I own that they are not sleeping in the bloody spare room!

Indeed. I was back at work before DC1 was 6 months, and DC1 did not sleep through the night until age 4. I would have pretty low sympathy if any of my new dad colleagues were claiming they had to have 8 uninterrupted hours a night and 'wouldn't be able to function' otherwise.

What about if the baby still doesn’t sleep when you return to work? DS2 is 12.5 months and still wakes at least 3 times a night. He is BF so mainly wants boob but DH tries to settle him too and sometimes I just escape to the spare room with earplugs to get a tiny bit more sleep. I work 4 days a week in a reasonably high pressured job. For some reason on mumsnet the bloke needs sleep to work. Not once has anyone worried about me not being able to do my job or ‘falling asleep at the wheel’....he’ll have to crack on like most of us do

It really doesn't matter what others do. What matters is that both parents have open communication and genuinely do what's best for their family. It was better for us with tiny babies for me to do most of the night stuff with my husband picking up the slack doing other things like cooking and housework. Now we have a toddler who doesn't sleep and us both being at work we share the nights/ early mornings and do whatever housework we can.

One person telling the other that they will be sleeping in the other room is absolutely rubbish but both parents deciding it's the best for them is fine. It doesn't matter if some dads do all night feeds or others don't do any if it's a mutual decision.

@Teachermaths That was a bit tongue in cheek as there is an expectation amongst some of MN that during maternity we do the night wakings, the cooking and cleaning and sleep when the baby does, because DH is making the money.

I think this was probably important to me because QT as a couple was an issue we fixed before babies so going into parenthood, it was probably something we considered both out loud and privately and luckily we were on the same page about how we would navigate it.

Fair enough. I think I reacted a bit negatively to that (for which I apologize) because I feel like the focus on "couple time" is often used as a coded way, and cover for, a man "needing attention" and/or sex, and can be used as a way for men to pressure their partners because they are not used to not having their DW's constant attention.

Obviously a couple can and should negotiate the "couple time" issue however works best for them, but I think it's wise to realistically expect couple time to be at the bottom of the list for the first 3 months and if it's becoming an entrenched issue, you can address it down the line.

We didn't plan what we were going to do beforehand, but this is how things panned out.

DP and I continued to sleep together, with LO in a moses basket beside my side of the bed. I was EBF so when LO woke in the night I would just pick him up and feed him, changing only when necessary. DP mostly slept through this, but was there if I needed a hand - explosive poos, LO not settling etc.

DP's sleep was probably slightly disturbed but he survived! When breastfeeding it can be a pretty quiet affair - pick baby up, feed until sleeping again (usually by lamplight or in dark), put baby back down, go for a wee, try to get back to sleep before baby wakes again.

DP would get up with LO in the mornings if I needed to go back to sleep after a feed.

No need to overthink or over plan these things!

I wouldn't have had a problem with my dh doing this,

BUT I'd expect him to do half the night duties, housework, cooking cleaning etc that needs to be done on a weekend. OP, you need to set your stall out now before the baby comes and let him know, that although you'll do everything, baby and house whilst he'sat work, it becomes 50/50 when he's home from work and weekends.

I think I reacted a bit negatively to that (for which I apologize) because I feel like the focus on "couple time" is often used as a coded way, and cover for, a man "needing attention" and/or sex, and can be used as a way for men to pressure their partners because they are not used to not having their DW's constant attention.

In its most basic form, there probably is an element of my husband realising that even if he could get away with doing less childcare, it will mean he gets less attention and/or sex. I say that because the same is true for me in a different way: the oldest 2 arent BF any more and until fairly recently, the youngest was very dependent so hubby did more of the work of the oldest 2 while I had the baby. But when the baby is settled, chipping in with the oldest 2 means that I get even 5 mins of attention from hubby or the kids are settled in bed more quickly. It isn't all altruism for sure.

When our LG was still sleeping in our room we got to a point where I'd ask DH to sleep in the spare room as his snoring would wake us both up lol . I EBF too so I felt it was no use the whole family being up all night. We compromised so that during the work week he slept in the spare room, and at the weekend we all slept in our bedroom but I'd wake him up to help with nappy changes or to rock her back to sleep.
Once your baby is here and you see what you're dealing with you'll both find what works best. You at least have those first 2 weeks paternity leave to see how things go. Good luck, and all the best for when baby arrives

My advice is to take him up on his offer to go elsewhere!

My DH moved to the spare room when our twins were babies. At several points he tried to move back in, but I advised him to move back out for his own safety. I was EBF and woke as soon as they twitched; he slept through their grizzles/my light on/feeding/changing etc. I was doing it all whether he was there or not, and it was far far worse to do it all while he slept soundly through it in plain sights. I came close to killing him several times and so decided it was best if he did his 8 hour stretches somewhere where I didn't have to watch him.

Thank you all for your thoughts/suggestions!

There were a few questions -

No he doesn't have a job where things would be dangerous through lack of sleep, he works in an office, approx 20 min commute by car.

The baby will be in a next to me type crib so should be easier to whip them in and out of bed.

I'll be taking 9 months mat leave so will have to cross the bridge of "how do we divide things when we're both working" a bit closer to the time! I hope (all being well) to BF to that point if not longer.

I agree with posters who have said there's no point us both being awake if it's just me BF-ing - my concern though was as some people have mentioned, if the baby is colicky/takes ages to settle/needs to be walked around - I'd be nervous about falling asleep on the sofa with baby during the day if i'm as sleep deprived as that.

I think I'll have another chat with him about it and say that he's just going to have to be flexible for a while, he can't just say what's happening and that of course it depends on baby. And I can suggest some of the solutions you all have come up with.

Ehh I've gone back to work at a stressful professional job and my husband is on paternity. I do the night-wakings still (breastfeeding; albeit that its only once or twice a night now so not like the early days). I don't think that the person in paid work is automatically entitled to more sleep than the person in unpaid work.

Your husband works in an office job with a 20m commute?! Pfft, give over. I work an office job with a 1hr commute each way (walking + public transport). I go to work for a rest. It's much easier doing my job on hardly any sleep than it is looking after DC. Although my job isn't very hard and my DC is high need/spirited/whatever term you want to use. I guess it does depend a lot on your child's temperament.

Dh sept in the spare room Sunday to Thursday. He nearly fell asleep driving his school kids to a fixture. It just wasn't a risk he could take.

I used to go to bed at around 9, he would feed dts at 1030. I dealt with night time and he would help me feed them at 7. He went to work and dts and I mostly had another sleep until around 9am.

I think you have to figure out what works for you but he's not BU imo.

You'll probably be desperate for him to fuck off to the spare room before too long so don't worry about this too much.

You'll probably be desperate for him to fuck off to the spare room before too long so don't worry about this too much.

With my second baby I told my husband to move into the spare room when the baby was about 6 weeks old because my husband’s snoring was driving me mad!!

I then co-slept with our son until he was 18 months old and then put him into his own room. I absolutely hated having to share a room with my husband again, it was awful. It took me weeks to readjust to having to share the bed with another adult - I felt so suffocated by his presence.

That was about 8 months ago now and I still love it when he’s elsewhere overnight and I get the bed back to myself

Currently EBF PFB.

OH sleeps in the other room. To begin with. He took baby for a couple of hours a day so I could sleep. Once we introduced a bottle of expressed milk (did this at 5-6 weeks), I'd go to bed early and he'd give baby the last 2 feeds (say 9pm and 12) so I could get a good few solid hours of sleep. Once or twice a week is enough to make me feel more human (and feel like he cares and wants to do his share).
Now baby is 3 months old. I don't really need him to do the night bottle. She's feeding less at night and I'm getting a good amount of sleep.

Honestly I think he's right. Even when I went back to work and husband was looking after baby I still did the night feeds, being the only one with boobs. Night nappy changes don't last for long, after a while they don't poo at night so they sleep better if you leave them until morning.
I don't see the point of my husband being really tired out of solidarity. He does other things like if we go out at the weekend he drives so I can nap in the car. It's much more useful to focus on solutions that help EVERYONE get more sleep which meant learning to feed lying down and cosleeping for us. Good luck with whatever you choose.

Everyone says that but I've never met anyone who that actually worked for. I didn't manage a single daytime nap in the first 6 months.

DD and I were having 3 naps a day.

Us too. I literally slept when she did for at least 6 months.

For us it worked just to do the brunt of it together tbh. My OH loved being a part of it. After a few weeks we switched so he done till 1am then I took over x

I EBF too, and DH on me going back to work slept in same room as us. I fed baby, he did nappies in early days. Our wee one was a nightmare sleeper (or non-sleeper more accurately!!) so any really bad nights I'd send DH next door once it got past 1amish. Shift wise he also would give me say 9-midnight sleep next door, both be in 12-2am then he'd go next door 2-7am so we both got some rest.

You don't get a break ALL DAY from baby, no lunch break etc. or time to zone out commuting so it's not OK to suggest he can't function on no sleep but you can!

I'll be taking 9 months mat leave so will have to cross the bridge of "how do we divide things when we're both working" a bit closer to the time
IME that’s a dangerous way to think. By the time your baby is 9 months old, habits will have been formed. Your DH will not be used to get bu at night and will likely be resentful to asked to, esp seeing his comments now how how tired he is.
Your baby will be used to be out to bed by you so will not settle as easily for him. Which will also be a good excuse for your DH to say he can’t do it.
Be aware. Starting with an arrangement where you do it all is likely to carry on like this in the forseable future.

Everyone says that but I've never met anyone who that actually worked for. I didn't manage a single daytime nap in the first 6 months.
Me neither. I would have loved to do that with dc1 (obviously with dc2, I had dc1 with me...) but I was so aware that dc1 could wake up that I never managed to fall asleep before he woke up again