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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask a lady to stop volunteering?

306 replies

Mumofone1862 · 15/10/2019 09:11

I run a non profit playgroup and for the past month I have had a new volunteer.

There are a few issues- on several occasions I have been talking to mums about something they have asked me about and the woman cuts in to tell a story about herself and it's like she is trying to cut the mum out of the conversation and just talk to me.

As volunteers the main thing is to just welcome new mums and make sure they are happy ect. But two mums have come to me because she doesn't listen when they ask her not to take their children or tell them what to do with their child.

This is the same with my child, he cries whenever she comes near him as he knows she will pick him up. I told her atleaat 4 times last week not to pick him up but she doesn't listen. In the end it means I have to carry him around as he is scared which makes running a group alot harder.

One woman has stopped coming as the volunteer is so 'in your face', you can politely end a conversation and walk away and she will follow you.

I set up a playgroup as I hated being left out at playgroups and by following me around and talking over the mums it isn't a great environment.

I understand she probably just wants to be my friend but I want to talk to everyone and as volunteers we should be talking to different people to help everyone feel welcome.

She doesn't help set up or put away, her idea of helping is looking after my son, but he honestly was better before she came. I have politely said multiple times for her to not go near my son. I explained he is a mummy's boy and doesn't like strangers so is better left alone or with me but she ignores me as though she knows best.

She is in her late 60's and has said she is lonley as her child has grown up, but the last two weeks I've barely made enough to run the group whereas before her I was doubling the money and we were able to do really fun crafts and have lots of fruit for the children rather than just bananas!

The fact multiple people have come to me makes me think more people think the same but are being polite.

Should I ask her to leave? My husband said to ask her to do kitchen duties (tea/coffee ect) but I don't know how I would go about it as I already have a specific volunteer to make drinks who is happy as they are and it would be obvious I was trying to push her out? I could just be honest but she seems very emotional (e.g. almost crying when my son doesn't want her to hold him)

OP posts:
magicautumnalhues · 15/10/2019 10:46

Page 2, 10:01 post from op. Suspect you’re right @QuimReaper, and op needed more support for this to work out not just throwing the woman at a group of mums at a vulnerable time in their lives

magicautumnalhues · 15/10/2019 10:48

It frustrates me a bit really, both you and the volunteer have been setup to fail by thoughtless good intentions with insufficient support.

Lilyannarose · 15/10/2019 10:50

Oh dear....I'm only 44 and my youngest child is nine.....but I sincerely hope I don't ever feel like that woman does.
I'll still be carer to my youngest child due to his disability, but the thought of feeling like that scares me in all honesty.
I do miss the "playgroup days" I must admit.
Not to the point where I would take over one though or be "in someone's face". That's just not me.
As regards the feelings she is experiencing though I'm starting to get that first shimmer of what she means.

Mrsjayy · 15/10/2019 10:51

She said she had additional needs she didn't stipulate the additional needs this thread is turning into Bingo now ! I'm going to leave the thread but op if this woman is as terrible as you say ask her to leave

underneaththeash · 15/10/2019 10:53

Have you had her DBS checked OP? If not, I would use that as an excuse - say that you've checked your insurance and non-parents need to have a DBS check before they can volunteer on a regular basis.

80sMum · 15/10/2019 11:01

Firstly, if you haven't already, you need to have a written policy for the volunteers to follow, which clearly outlines what is required and what the limits of their duties are. Part of that policy should be that there is a probationary period of, say, 4 weeks, for the volunteer to settle in. At the end of that period, volunteers have a meeting with the proprietor and are told whether they will be staying or whether they are deemed unsuitable for the role.

That's your get-out for future situations, OP. For the current one, I'm afraid that if this woman continues to ignore instructions, you just need to arrange a meeting and tell her that her services are no longer required.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 15/10/2019 11:02

I don't think getting the organisation that placed her to help us taking the easy way. They were naive and you shouldn't have had this forced on you without having a say in it. I think it's fine for them to "redirect" her to help somewhere else.

waltzingparrot · 15/10/2019 11:05

Could you find out if there are any elderly lunch clubs or memory cafes going on in your area on the same day. If you've told her a million times, it sounds like she is never going to adhere to your boundaries where the children are concerned and imight be a softer blow if you can say....although I don't need you to volunteer now, this organisation is looking for people to help.

Drum2018 · 15/10/2019 11:09

I’d just quit running the group because there is no solution to problems like this

Of course there is a solution, the solution is to tell this woman that you no longer need her as a volunteer. Thank her for her time to date, give her a box of roses and wave her off. If she tries to insist on staying, you could suggest other ways she can volunteer in the community, but you insist that your playgroup doesn't have a need for a volunteer anymore. You have enough help and you can all manage perfectly well. Be firm. And when she's gone spread the word that she's gone so hopefully those who have left will come back. Do it asap before any other people leave.

saraclara · 15/10/2019 11:10

Yes. Use DBS as a reason. Explain that you're new to running this sort of group, and that you were wrong to have taken on a volunteer without carrying out the necessary checks.

Say that you're sorry, but at this point you're unable to have her continue helping out.

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/10/2019 11:12

Trouble is she's at a difficult age. Late sixties - many people are still working, it's a bit young for 'elderly clubs' where people tend to be in their late 70's and 80's, And I don't think it's OP's responsibility necessarily to 'place' this volunteer somewhere else.

Tell her it's not working, make an excuse if you must (but I don't think she'll pick up on that) and stop her coming. Get a third party to intervene if you think she may just keep turning up anyway. DO NOT stop running the group, it will be a lifeline for many mums and you can't let this one person ruin that.

80sMum · 15/10/2019 11:14

Could you find out if there are any elderly lunch clubs or memory cafes going on in your area on the same day

That made me laugh out loud! Good grief! She's in her late 60s, not 90s!! She's hardly what one would class as "elderly"! Grin HmmConfused

AnAbsolutelyShower · 15/10/2019 11:15

I think that maybe sitting down with her and putting a plan together might help? You don't say what additional needs she has, but maybe she can be slower at picking up social cues?

I would have a formal discussion with her about her behaviour and Write down the points that you've explained here. This can be like an action plan so she/you can have them In writing. And get her to agree to them.

If she still carries on behaving in the same way, I would then let her go.

Atalune · 15/10/2019 11:19

You can simply say-

Thank you for all your help, but we no longer need you to come to this group. This will be your last session

And then say no more.

If you says oh I don’t mind I like coming,

That’s really kind but you can’t come back.

Then say no more.

Try not to get into a dialogue with her and just be direct and firm.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/10/2019 11:21

She's come to the wrong place. Direct her to the local voluntary services organisation. They may have things she can helpfully do. They will probably also run befriending schemes for lonely older people (she may not see herself as needing to receive voluntary help but that is exactly what she is doing with you).

The Volunteer place will have a professionally-run interview and 'skills matching' process in place. You do not and you are not her personal 'befriender'. Let them do their job.

nettie434 · 15/10/2019 11:21

I think it was ok to mention the volunteer’s age. Without it, I might have assumed the volunteer didn’t have much life experience. A person of a similar age but different people skills could have been a great asset.

‘Additional needs’ is a catch all term - I don’t see how people could assume what they are without more information.

Volunteer recruitment and training is really important. Are you part of a national scheme which could provide training? There are some tips on the NCVO website if not: knowhow.ncvo.org.uk/your-team/volunteers/training/effective-volunteer-training

Are there any admin tasks she could do? If training does not work and there are no other jobs she could do, I think you will have to ask her to stop volunteering. Small play groups are so important and you are clearly a very kind and thoughtful person mumofone1862/so I’d put the interests of the parents and children attending your group first in making your decision.

I think drawing up a volunteer job description would help for the future, assuming you have not decided this already.

HEMammajamma · 15/10/2019 11:22

From your OP (haven't read most of the thread yet), it seems like she has some special needs/additional needs? What you're describing doesn't come across as a "neurotypical" way of doing things at all. Is there someone you could talk to/who could speak on her behalf? I think it needs to be handled gently because words/instructions don't seem to be sinking in quite well, does it? She does need to leave but how, is the issue? Do you know someone who knows her?

MissDew · 15/10/2019 11:25

She's using the playgroup for her own needs. I wonder what the lady that was leaving told her about the playgroup and what the role entailed. She needs to understand that voluntary work IS work, i.e. there's a boss to report to and standards to be upheld.

Sounds like the lady that was/is leaving was either trying to look cool or, 'just trying to help.'

Does the new volunteering lady add anything to the group ? It doesn't sound like it. Even volunteers have their behaviour questioned if they have upset someone.

It happened to me. I thought I was jollying someone (an adult) along at a social event appropriate to their needs. The relative that was also invited thought I was laughing AT the group member. I wasn't. A chat with the Manager cleared up the misunderstanding. All good.

I'm concerned at what the new volunteer lady's 'additional needs' are. Don't flame me, I'm just concerned that this role is not really appropriate for her. Do her additional needs render her socially incompetent or is it a form of attention seeking ?

Not listening and not following instructions would upset any boss, whether you were paid or voluntary.

NoSquirrels · 15/10/2019 11:25

Elderly lunch clubs need volunteers, though - so she could usefully volunteer at one. My dear late gran was still going to “help out” at the local old people’s lunch club in her 80s!

BIWI · 15/10/2019 11:28

You haven't asked the question about her DBS checking - it does sound from your posts that she hasn't been, and this would really concern me if I was bringing my child to you.

NoSquirrels · 15/10/2019 11:28

In the immediate meantime, I suggest you tell her she can’t volunteer until DBS is done, and then work on a policy for volunteers. If she came only once a month, on a strict rota, and was set the task of, say, anti-baccing all the equipment or organising the cupboard, would that help?

MissDew · 15/10/2019 11:30

She's got no intention of following instructions i.e. please don't pick my son up, he doesn't like anyone but me picking him up.

Have you really had to ask her not to do this FOUR TIMES ? There were three further occasions of this happening. Anyone else would have said, 'sorry, I didn't realise,' and not done it again.

I'm a little bit sceptical of people described as lonely. Ask yourself why...….

headinhands · 15/10/2019 11:31

Train her. Make it clear volunteers do not handle children because of safeguarding. She sounds like she might have mild/moderate ld?

headinhands · 15/10/2019 11:32

Tell her plainly she is not welcome after upsetting others.

What a time to be alive.

lovelypumpkin · 15/10/2019 11:39

I did wonder if I could go through the organisation to take the cowards way out but even then I didn't know how to bring it up! I don't think it would be the cowards way I think it would be really sensible to go back to them, tell them the problems and explain it isn't working and ask them if they can talk to her and find her something which will match her needs better too - on the basis that they know her better and know more about her. In all honesty I think it would be irresponsible to let her continue at the play group, as you don't know what the additional needs are or enough about her as a person. Hopefully the other organisation will fully understand and help the woman by finding her something more suitable for her, and explain it to her in a way she will understand? It isn't being unkind to her, it would mean she could start volunteering somewhere which is better longterm, which would be better for her.