To ask a lady to stop volunteering?

[Mumofone1862]

I run a non profit playgroup and for the past month I have had a new volunteer.

There are a few issues- on several occasions I have been talking to mums about something they have asked me about and the woman cuts in to tell a story about herself and it's like she is trying to cut the mum out of the conversation and just talk to me.

As volunteers the main thing is to just welcome new mums and make sure they are happy ect. But two mums have come to me because she doesn't listen when they ask her not to take their children or tell them what to do with their child.

This is the same with my child, he cries whenever she comes near him as he knows she will pick him up. I told her atleaat 4 times last week not to pick him up but she doesn't listen. In the end it means I have to carry him around as he is scared which makes running a group alot harder.

One woman has stopped coming as the volunteer is so 'in your face', you can politely end a conversation and walk away and she will follow you.

I set up a playgroup as I hated being left out at playgroups and by following me around and talking over the mums it isn't a great environment.

I understand she probably just wants to be my friend but I want to talk to everyone and as volunteers we should be talking to different people to help everyone feel welcome.

She doesn't help set up or put away, her idea of helping is looking after my son, but he honestly was better before she came. I have politely said multiple times for her to not go near my son. I explained he is a mummy's boy and doesn't like strangers so is better left alone or with me but she ignores me as though she knows best.

She is in her late 60's and has said she is lonley as her child has grown up, but the last two weeks I've barely made enough to run the group whereas before her I was doubling the money and we were able to do really fun crafts and have lots of fruit for the children rather than just bananas!

The fact multiple people have come to me makes me think more people think the same but are being polite.

Should I ask her to leave? My husband said to ask her to do kitchen duties (tea/coffee ect) but I don't know how I would go about it as I already have a specific volunteer to make drinks who is happy as they are and it would be obvious I was trying to push her out? I could just be honest but she seems very emotional (e.g. almost crying when my son doesn't want her to hold him)

No, but there's no need to be cruel.

If someone was dumping you, say, wouldn't it be nicer if they said, "Sorry, Jean/Barry, I'm afraid I'm going to be really busy at work for a few months so I can't see you; I'll be in touch" rather than, "Jean/Barry, you are boring and unattractive - don't bother me again" ?

In this case it's quite easy to achieve the aim: just say that fewer volunteers are needed. The end. Problem lady gone and dignity maintained. Some posters on here always seem to be spoiling for a fight or to spell out someone's faults to them. And we wonder that mental health issues have escalated!

Actually I think that someone not speaking honestly to you creates many more mental health issues in the long run. It's kinder in the long run to be straightforward.

You must get all people who have contact with children checked by DBS. This is part of the Safeguarding Act which sets out your duty of care to the children and parents. If staff/volunteers are not checked it can lead to a prison sentence. Further, it must be done regularly, not just once. Renewals are easy but must be timed correctly, as they sometimes take a few weeks to clear. I would use interviews for staff/volunteers in future, as you get a better idea of how people respond. I run a small school and get many applications. When at least two people have interviewed applicants, so that no bias can be leveled at you, always have a second interview. This tells you who is right for the place, as 2nd interviews tend to relax people and you see another side to them. It is time consuming but worth it. I interviewed someone with many skills (on paper) but in the 2nd interview it became clear who they thought would be in charge! The applicant started to tell me how to pronounce words etc. which no-one would have expected from the 1st interview. Also you must get the necessary policies in place. It makes life easier for you, the parents and children and also staff/volunteers if everyone knows where they stand. Health and Safety audits are paramount. There is a clear duty of care implicit in such a role. We started small, just me, and now I have a Deputy and staff of 11 part-timers. We also have timed voluntary positions eg. 3 weeks. This is useful, as it is easy to see how people work and you have a ready supply of potential applicants. We also run a social group as it is good for the children to help others, where lonely people meet and socialise. I hope that this helps and wish you all the best.

Kind but not cowardly should be the aim here.

These softer than soft beating about the bush type of statements are being kind to the wrong person really aren’t they though?

They are more about being kind to person giving the ‘no’ than the person receiving it! After all, it’s much easier to give an nicely gentle excuse that means the main person walks away leaving the other to either believe it wholeheartedly and gain no insight at all, and carry on behaving in an awkward or unwanted fashion. Or they are left to rake over the hidden clues to try and work out why they got rejected (most likely, again), getting more upset in the process.

None of that is ‘kind’ to the person being rejected.

Unless there are reasons that this woman doesn’t deserve a straight answer about what’s happened, then I’d try and be fair, and give her something clear enough to hang on to.

No need to make it anything too confrontational, or complicated.

I also think that some of the cruel reactions on here are needlessly mean, and rather enjoying penalising a person with social difficulties. Really nasty stuff.

A simple message repeated firmly but with a sense of compassion would be best.

If you’re feeling up to it, I’d say that sadly it’s not working out for her in this setting, but you wish her well, and hope she finds the perfect volunteering role for her in the future.

I’d be clear and say that in this/ any group touching babies uninvited, or without the clear permission of the mother is an absolute no. It’s just not something that can happen here, and is in fact a safe guarding issue.
She has unfortuneately done this on at least X occasions, this has been raised with her before on X occasions, and she hasn’t been able to change the way she’s behaving.

So I’m sorry it’s not worked out, and I hope the original group can help you in your journey to finding the right setting for you. Ive really appreciated all your efforts and enthusiasm, and do let us know how it’s all working out (if you want!) etc, good bye.

If you want to explain to the original group that brought her to you via that mutual contact, you could explain more about the subtleties around engaging with mums and babies etc.

@SeaEagleFeather - I agree with, there is nothing worse than waiting for a call that never comes. It is best to tell this volunteer that her skills might be better suited to another charity; which they may well be. Best not to make excuses, then she can move on somewhere else .

Have you had any luck OP?