To ask a lady to stop volunteering?

[Mumofone1862]

I run a non profit playgroup and for the past month I have had a new volunteer.

There are a few issues- on several occasions I have been talking to mums about something they have asked me about and the woman cuts in to tell a story about herself and it's like she is trying to cut the mum out of the conversation and just talk to me.

As volunteers the main thing is to just welcome new mums and make sure they are happy ect. But two mums have come to me because she doesn't listen when they ask her not to take their children or tell them what to do with their child.

This is the same with my child, he cries whenever she comes near him as he knows she will pick him up. I told her atleaat 4 times last week not to pick him up but she doesn't listen. In the end it means I have to carry him around as he is scared which makes running a group alot harder.

One woman has stopped coming as the volunteer is so 'in your face', you can politely end a conversation and walk away and she will follow you.

I set up a playgroup as I hated being left out at playgroups and by following me around and talking over the mums it isn't a great environment.

I understand she probably just wants to be my friend but I want to talk to everyone and as volunteers we should be talking to different people to help everyone feel welcome.

She doesn't help set up or put away, her idea of helping is looking after my son, but he honestly was better before she came. I have politely said multiple times for her to not go near my son. I explained he is a mummy's boy and doesn't like strangers so is better left alone or with me but she ignores me as though she knows best.

She is in her late 60's and has said she is lonley as her child has grown up, but the last two weeks I've barely made enough to run the group whereas before her I was doubling the money and we were able to do really fun crafts and have lots of fruit for the children rather than just bananas!

The fact multiple people have come to me makes me think more people think the same but are being polite.

Should I ask her to leave? My husband said to ask her to do kitchen duties (tea/coffee ect) but I don't know how I would go about it as I already have a specific volunteer to make drinks who is happy as they are and it would be obvious I was trying to push her out? I could just be honest but she seems very emotional (e.g. almost crying when my son doesn't want her to hold him)

People with issues that make them unpleasant or upsetting to be around need to do volunteer stuff that doesn't involve them being around other vulnerable people. Like small children. While volunteering should have some benefit for the volunteer (looks good on the CV, gives you the warm glow of having Been Useful, gets you out of the house or whatever) this should never come at the expense of the people the organisation is set up to help.

Very good ppsts from perfectstorm and SunniDay.

I think we expect too much out of volunteering these days, both for the people who volunteer and the service users.

As someone who went through a period of loneliness volunteering is constantly touted as a cure. I mean maybe if you found yourself volunteering in a group with similar people to yourself who wanted to hang out outside of the volunteering you could maybe make friends. Other than that it's a crap solution and no wonder you get awkward situations with people doing inappropriate volunteering in an attempt to alleviate loneliness.

It's a playgroup you are running. Clue is in the word- play. It's not a nursery. You can't have people becoming upset at how a volunteer is treating the children especially when given advice on what not to do. Interrupting is just rude. Did you have any info on the person before you agreed she could help? Is she local, others would know of her irritating habits. You can't have a playgroup with an atmosphere other than adults and children being hapoy to go along and be comfortable when there. You need to tell her to leave, just not the right place for her to volunteer in.

I think you have to be practical here and focus on what you want: a playgroup where you and other mums are not feeling reluctance to be around her.

If there have been several complaints one person's walked, others will quietly leave too. You might not have that long before lack of action = slow dissolution of the group.

I think you need to bite the unpleasant bullet here and say that its not working out.

*As someone who went through a period of loneliness volunteering is constantly touted as a cure... it's a crap solution" Just because it didn't work for you doesn't mean it's a crap solution. It's worked for other people.

At the same time it seems very cruel and ultimately quite prejudiced to say people who lack social awareness or are learning impaired should not be able to volunteer were they want It's the way the world works. People who lack social awareness are excluded socially, and thus have no opportunity to gain social awareness.We bend over backwards to include those who have difficulties intellectually, but it's socially acceptable to be really unpleasant to those who are struggling with social skills.

A play group is primarily for the support of mothers as they navigate the challenges of motherhood.

The children enjoying their time at the play group is great, but its actually secondary.

I attended one may moons ago, which was invaluable to me at the parenting stage I was at.

IME the grandmothers that attended the group were an invaluable source of kindness and support.

They were wonderful at reassuring young mothers that the hardest stages of not sleeping, tantrums, exhaustion would pass and we would all survive!

They were hugely popular as were a couple of Grandfathers that attended.

it's socially acceptable to be really unpleasant to those who are struggling with social skills

Thing is, ‘lacking social skills’ is often a euphemism for rudeness or ignoring other people’s reasonable boundaries. And that will garner an unpleasant response. Quite rightly.

@Mumofone1862 have you had a chance to talk to her.I wouldnt wait till theres some kind of accident thatcould be avoided.You need to say something.Otherwise you wont have a playgroup to run.

She needs to volunteer somewhere else, like an op shop. At her age she isn't going to change, so you need to be blunt and tell her that her services are no longer needed .

Some people on here seem very unkind. That is not to say that you should tolerate a volunteer who doesn't fit, but bluntly telling someone they "lack social skills" or that there have been complaints... well, I think I'd probably do away with myself if I were older and lonely and I was told this. I doubt whether the woman realises what she is doing, especially if she has been repeatedly guided, or even told, how to behave.

I still stand by the just telling her that a) numbers are down and you're cutting down on volunteers or b) that red tape/bureaucracy is requiring you to DBS check everyone/carry out costly training so you are only having two (or whatever) volunteers and that will be Angela and Sarah only (ie not her).

Where she finds alternative volunteering or on whom she may foist herself is not your problem. Just be efficiently pleasant but not mean.

Your group will fail if you do not steer this ship now. Gently tell her it is not working. Let her go, it won’t be easy. But it’s not easy now. And you will be mighty passed off if your group fails because you thought this volunteer’s feelings were more important. Be gentle, but do what is needed.

There's no need to lecture this volunteer about her faults: all OP needs to do is politely and firmly tell her that she is not required and wish her luck finding a role elsewhere. OP doesn't need to soften the blow, or try to befriend the woman - just calmly get rid.

Thing is, ‘lacking social skills’ is often a euphemism for rudeness or ignoring other people’s reasonable boundaries. And that will garner an unpleasant response. Quite rightly. Avoiding rudeness and being aware of boundaries isn't something that is simply instilled by parents, it's also something that's learnt by interaction with peers - and exhibiting rudeness and lack of boundaries is not necessarily intentional. If for whatever reason you are behind in this area when you first encounter your peer group, you are excluded from the peer group and thus from further learning opportunities. It's the social-skill equivalent of saying "you're not as good as the rest of the class at reading, there's no point in trying to teach you".

I honestly would prefer no volunteers as I can do everything quicker alone, but everyone wants to help (hinder).

@Mumofone1862 - Then have no volunteers. It’s your group. Let this be a wake-up call. This volunteer has almost led to the slow dissolution of the group; she caused several complaints, a mother to now leave, and quite a few crying children, including your own!

If you don’t want volunteers, it’s your choice and no one else’s. Stop volunteers for now, due to DBS. Don’t restart them. And if anyone wants to volunteer, simply say you had a bad experience that led people to leave the group and you simply can’t afford the time to handle volunteer issues, when the group is functioning just fine without.

@MereDintofPandiculation

I'm serious, I'm all for volunteering if you feel you have something to give or want to make a difference bit I'm very cynical about encouraging people to go into it purely because they want to gain something for themselves. Besides anything a lot of volunteering is lone working and you need the right skills to do it properly.

I agree we are too harsh on those without perfect social skills. It does sound like in this case its not just a few faux pas but someone making an unpleasant atmosphere. It's difficult when you fall behind on social skills and I think parents need to be aware that they don't come naturally to everyone and some kids need a lot of help with theirs.

@MereDintofPandiculation it’s not quite the same as the reading thing, because in that instance the teacher is being paid to teach the whole class. The OP is not obliged to teach this woman social skills.

And the ‘learning experience’ you get through interaction with peers may well be that if you display certain behaviours, other people will be unpleasant to you as a consequence.

and some kids need a lot of help with theirs. and some kids need a lot of help because their parents never had the help themselves.

The OP is not obliged to teach this woman social skills. No, she isn't - but there might be less unpleasant behaviour around if we all did our best to help those with poor social skills rather than writing them off as unpleasant people without the possibility of redemption.

And the ‘learning experience’ you get through interaction with peers may well be that if you display certain behaviours, other people will be unpleasant to you as a consequence. Yes, that is how you learn (not just social skills either) - but that's what happens when someone has social skills commensurate with their peers. If their social skills are worse than their peers, they are either ignored/excluded or people are unpleasant to them regardless of their behaviour..

It sounds like this woman needs some sort of befriending service with people that have the patience to bear with her social issues and the boundaries so it won't negatively impact them too much.

I would have hated this when I was bringing my LO to groups like this. I had bad PND and PTSD from my LO being very poorly post birth, if someone took him away from me without my consent and didn't listen to me it would have been very triggering and possibly sent me over the edge.

@MereDintofPandiculation completely agree with you. However, a setting where there are infinitely more vulnerable people around, such as babies and toddlers, and newly post-partum women, is absolutely not a safe place for others in which she can be helped with these skills. And if she is indeed someone with a disorder of some kind, then she needs skilled intervention from a SALT and supported social activities - not a ton essentially unsupervised toddler group volunteer role, because by definition, a lot of social communication and interaction disorders mean the individual can't learn unspoken norms and rules osmotically. They need to be taught. And here, not only is that not possible, but she could actually distress children and mothers, too.

I would explain the other mums issues and then give her kitchen duties if not.

I would used the advice of a previous poster - say that as the attendees of the group are dwindling, you don't have enough work for her to do so you're thanking her for what she's done so far but you won't need her help going forward. She is welcome to leave her contact details should numbers increase that you could phone her but there just isn't enough to be doing and she isn't needed anymore in the group.
Perhaps see if there is another community group that she could join and point her in their general direction as a possible group to volunteer with or to see if they need volunteers. So she isn't entirely at a loose end and she might have something else to occupy her time.

perfectstorm agreed

But it is not the OP's job or responsibility to look after this fucking woman. The OP is running a group for the benefit of mothers and babies. And this volunteer is damaging the OP's work - and causing distress to the vulnerable people the group is supposed to benefit - so needs to be got rid of. You can't allow an individual who is supposed to be helping others to wreck what's being done because they need support themselves.