To ask a lady to stop volunteering?

[Mumofone1862]

I run a non profit playgroup and for the past month I have had a new volunteer.

There are a few issues- on several occasions I have been talking to mums about something they have asked me about and the woman cuts in to tell a story about herself and it's like she is trying to cut the mum out of the conversation and just talk to me.

As volunteers the main thing is to just welcome new mums and make sure they are happy ect. But two mums have come to me because she doesn't listen when they ask her not to take their children or tell them what to do with their child.

This is the same with my child, he cries whenever she comes near him as he knows she will pick him up. I told her atleaat 4 times last week not to pick him up but she doesn't listen. In the end it means I have to carry him around as he is scared which makes running a group alot harder.

One woman has stopped coming as the volunteer is so 'in your face', you can politely end a conversation and walk away and she will follow you.

I set up a playgroup as I hated being left out at playgroups and by following me around and talking over the mums it isn't a great environment.

I understand she probably just wants to be my friend but I want to talk to everyone and as volunteers we should be talking to different people to help everyone feel welcome.

She doesn't help set up or put away, her idea of helping is looking after my son, but he honestly was better before she came. I have politely said multiple times for her to not go near my son. I explained he is a mummy's boy and doesn't like strangers so is better left alone or with me but she ignores me as though she knows best.

She is in her late 60's and has said she is lonley as her child has grown up, but the last two weeks I've barely made enough to run the group whereas before her I was doubling the money and we were able to do really fun crafts and have lots of fruit for the children rather than just bananas!

The fact multiple people have come to me makes me think more people think the same but are being polite.

Should I ask her to leave? My husband said to ask her to do kitchen duties (tea/coffee ect) but I don't know how I would go about it as I already have a specific volunteer to make drinks who is happy as they are and it would be obvious I was trying to push her out? I could just be honest but she seems very emotional (e.g. almost crying when my son doesn't want her to hold him)

Should I ask her to leave?

Given all that you have said about her actions I say yes.

If she is costing you money and threatening the viabilty of the group then she needs to go now.

She doesn’t listen so if you put her in the kitchen she won’t stay there.

I would take the line that: “this is not the right voluntary role for you” and repeat.

@darkcloudsandrainstorms I didn't want to ignore your comment as you are obviously very upset by me mentioning the woman's age and I am sorry about that.

I mentioned it incase people thought maybe she was young and inexperienced with children or she had her own young children. I was trying to explain the expertise she is pushing on myself and other parents is not correct now as things have changed since her child was small (not that she understands or believes that). I can admit I should have added her age straight away and not in the same sentence as that she is lonley but I honestly wasn't aware that my sentence would trigger anyone. I will be more mindful in my posts moving on from now.

Don’t worry about it OP.

She needs to go. She isn't going to change and should volunteer somewhere else where her behaviour isn't as potentially damaging. New mums are some of the most vulnerable-feeling members of society. Even for the strongest of women, it can be hard to speak up. No wonder women are starting to not come back.

Get rid and it'll be better for the mums and you.

I'm mid 60s and wasn't triggered! her age is relevant here.

She is changing the dynamics of the group and the whole purpose of why it was set up. I think total honesty is needed here
Say its not working out and you no longer need her help
However well meaning the person leaving shouldn't have offered her this volunteering role

@darkcloudsandrainstorms

I think you're being ridiculously precious over OP mentioning the age of the volunteer. It was obvious she was trying to demonstrate she had experience with kids and wasn't a teen, or similar.

You wouldn't have batted an eyelid if OP's volunteer was 17 and she stated that. Sometimes when needing advice you need to state age, sex etc. Readers need information to base advice upon.

There's a huge difference between an overwhelming middle aged man making women run off from the club, and an old aged woman. The connotations are hugely different. One is threatening/scary, the other is uncomfortable. Hence, it's important to state sex, age etc.

Is it sexist to say she was a female? Should OP have stated that the person was a volunteer and not mentioned anything else?

It's not ageist to state someone's age. It's a fact.

I’m usually the type who tries to keep everyone happy but if she’s picking up your child when she’s been told not to so many times then I don’t think there’s much hope she will take anything on board.
I think a version of what @mummmy2017 said would be best. It would be a shame for a supportive playgroup to close because a volunteer can’t read social cues and boundaries.

I’d just quit running the group because there is no solution to problems like this. Some people spoil things for everyone and this woman is one of them. You’ve clearly told her not to pick your ds up and she still does it. Therefore I don’t see how talking to her would help.

Of course her age is relevant! If you’d not said how old she is you’d have just had a million posts saying “maybe she’s inexperienced with kids” or asking how old she was. We all know loneliness is not exclusive to the over 60s, but nowhere was OP saying that it was? It was a factual statement not some horrible catty retort.

You obviously need to have a serious discussion with the woman and in all likelihood you’ll end up asking her not to come back. I second the advice to perhaps ask the organisation how they could help you do this. You’re not just getting rid because you don’t like older people, it’s a simple fact that the way she is behaving (despite being asked not to or being told to do something else) is putting off the people who the group is aimed at. It’s a nice thing to do to find someone a role when they are feeling lonely or a little lost, but that shouldn’t be to the detriment of others. Their loneliness doesn’t trump that of new mums.

I’d write down your worries, be factual and clear. Have a frank conversation along the lines of these are the concerns people (including you) have, she has been asked not to previously and she doesn’t seem to have taken this on board. If things don’t drastically improve then you’re afraid that she isn’t a good fit and you think it would be better all round if she didn’t continue to volunteer here.

It's hard because her SEN might mean she finds it difficult to change her behaviour. However, the group wasn't set up to benefit lonely folk with SEN, it's for parents and their children. As you say, she has her own group to attend, you're not obliged to facilitate her attending yours to benefit her.

I'd just calmly say that you don't think her volunteering is working well and you'd like her to stop attending. You can explain about the complaints if pushed, but don't make it a big protracted discussion.

There was nothing wrong with mentioning her age, it’s relevant & avoided loads of people asking irrelevant questions. We don’t all have to become genderless & ageless.

The more you say the more she has to push back on. It's been a month, you're feeling the adverse effects of her efforts, just bring it to an end and thank her for her time. Don't performance manage her, she won't change and you already sound a bit stressed understandably with it all. And of course her age is relevant.

I’d just quit running the group because there is no solution to problems like this

That makes no sense at all.

Can the organisation can provide guidance and perhaps a mentor to the woman for a couple of sessions? It does sound like the boundary problems could be part of that and they could help? Is the woman open about having SEN to other parents?

The other thing is being grandparent age is a different kind of inexperience as you have no current parenting experience. A first aider who was 30+ years out of date wound need to get a refresher course and be open to updating their knowledge!

It’s your group. You’re not happy and it’s affecting the group’s aim of being there for mums and kids, so don’t be afraid to let her go.

It was naive of the organisation to expect it to work out without some support really, I feel some sympathy for the woman as I only realise in hindsight that I’ve missed a social cue - I hope I’m not as bad as this but I’m not in my 60s either!

Just let her go. She is not going to change and you need to think of the whole community.

I was volunteering in Oxfam years ago and they had another a male young volunteer that started sexually harassing all women, whether they were teenagers or 60 years old. We all left but looking back, I’m not as angry with the guy as I am with the spineless manager that allowed that behaviour to go on regardless of how uncomfortable and upsetting we found it.

When did the op mention SEN what are you on about Havelock

But yes, if the organisation can’t step in, you have to protect your group first as vital for mums and babies etc. What a tough situation for you emotionally!

Could you create a job description of tasks that largely consist of not working around the group and then review it with her in a few weeks. Whilst researching some other more suitable organisations and direct her that way. If need be.

This probably won't go down well, but I think that some people - additional needs or no - just simply don't understand certain social skills, and if they make it to their mid sixties without learning them, then "a chat" won't solve that problem. This isn't a few minor performance issues, it's an overall unsuitability to the role. For the most part I think skills can always be learned and improved, but social skills are different - if you don't pick up on social cues to the point that people are taking their business elsewhere, then you're not a person who picks up on or correctly understands social cues. I think she's a write-off.

maybe she’d like to come round to yours for a cup of tea? Make a cake, have the baby in a high chair and have a coffee morning with her once a week or something.

Jesus! OP is a nice person but she's not a one-woman charitable organisation for every lonely person that blows across her path!

@Mrsjayy

The lady who is leaving found this woman through working in an organisation as she was lonley and had additional needs.

‘Additional needs’ Mrsjayy