To ask a lady to stop volunteering?

[Mumofone1862]

I run a non profit playgroup and for the past month I have had a new volunteer.

There are a few issues- on several occasions I have been talking to mums about something they have asked me about and the woman cuts in to tell a story about herself and it's like she is trying to cut the mum out of the conversation and just talk to me.

As volunteers the main thing is to just welcome new mums and make sure they are happy ect. But two mums have come to me because she doesn't listen when they ask her not to take their children or tell them what to do with their child.

This is the same with my child, he cries whenever she comes near him as he knows she will pick him up. I told her atleaat 4 times last week not to pick him up but she doesn't listen. In the end it means I have to carry him around as he is scared which makes running a group alot harder.

One woman has stopped coming as the volunteer is so 'in your face', you can politely end a conversation and walk away and she will follow you.

I set up a playgroup as I hated being left out at playgroups and by following me around and talking over the mums it isn't a great environment.

I understand she probably just wants to be my friend but I want to talk to everyone and as volunteers we should be talking to different people to help everyone feel welcome.

She doesn't help set up or put away, her idea of helping is looking after my son, but he honestly was better before she came. I have politely said multiple times for her to not go near my son. I explained he is a mummy's boy and doesn't like strangers so is better left alone or with me but she ignores me as though she knows best.

She is in her late 60's and has said she is lonley as her child has grown up, but the last two weeks I've barely made enough to run the group whereas before her I was doubling the money and we were able to do really fun crafts and have lots of fruit for the children rather than just bananas!

The fact multiple people have come to me makes me think more people think the same but are being polite.

Should I ask her to leave? My husband said to ask her to do kitchen duties (tea/coffee ect) but I don't know how I would go about it as I already have a specific volunteer to make drinks who is happy as they are and it would be obvious I was trying to push her out? I could just be honest but she seems very emotional (e.g. almost crying when my son doesn't want her to hold him)

How did she come across when you first interviewed her?

Why not say that you think she may be better suited to a role with older people instead? You could say some of the Mums have offered to help and it is probably better ,as it can get a bit tiring for more mature folk!Maybe you could see if the WRVS need help or hospital taxi service etc .Many older women seem to think they have been through it all and it makes them an instant expert! The fact is if it closes through lack of people she wont have a post anyway!

Have you had her DBS checked and everything? If you havnt, you could tell her that you're insurance won't allow you too have her there?

If you have, then that excuse won't work! And you will need to be honest and let her go. This group is for mum's to get together and children to play. It isn't for 60 year old women. She wants you to be her friend but you don't want to be and you don't need to be, you're losing money, the mum's are unhappy (and the group is for them) and this woman just won't listen.

Tell her you no longer need her services and you've updated your insurance provider accordingly so she won't be able to come back.

I think if it's having that much of an effect on the group and your hopes for the group, you will have to ask her to leave, before she puts other people off.

All you have to say is that you don't need a volunteer at the moment.

Hugs xxxxx

You need to sit her down & spell it out.
Be kind but firm.
Give her the kitchen duties.

Get rid. Seriously. I took my son to a local play group when he was 5 weeks old (about two minutes walk from the house) as they had a baby room.

An older volunteer lady asked for a cuddle, which I happily obliged with. He's always been happy to be held. She then walked off with him to another room to show him to her friend, another volunteer.

Never been back.

If she's working against the aims of the group (which it sounds like) I'd either get rid or spell out in writing and then get rid if she doesn't adapt within the next week. She is not your project.

Weird, but it's only ever on MN that I come across people like this! Never in real life. I mean, who continues to pick up someone else's child, when they've been repeatedly told not to.

How did she come to volunteer, OP? Did you do any type of checks with her e.g. DBS?

You are running a toddler group for, well, mums & toddlers NOT a group for an older woman wanting baby cuddles (and I’m older & love baby cuddles!!)

She hasn’t listened to you about your DS, she’s not going to change.

She needs to go

You need to focus your time & energy in the many women you set the group up for - not one over bearing person who is upsetting everyone & making your life more difficult.

You have to brave up to telling her you’re sorry but it’s not working out & you don’t need her help anymore. Be firm.

Has she been DBS checked for working with children? Does she have special needs? Her behaviour sounds very odd and worrying. It’s not normal to persist in picking up other people’s children, especially when they don’t like it and you’ve been told to stop.

Short term pain for long term gain: it's clear from what you've said that she is a big problem for your group so she has to change or go. That's going to be awkward but the alternative is losing your playgroup which would be really sad. Would you really rather lose the playgroup than have one awkward conversation?

Chin up, arrange a meeting or at the start of the next group say what VictoriaBun said above (although you might want to offer her the chance of showing she can learn by letting her give this session a go). 'Performance management' and delivering difficult news is all part of being a leader.

You say “she is in her late 60s”. Why ?

If you said she is Asian then it would be unacceptable as that would be racist.

What are you implying exactly ?

If she is lonely that is not restricted by age alone.

You do realise do you not that a lot of voluntary work is done by people who have left the work force and often by age discrimination and no other reason.

Are you prejudiced ?

You now have to behave correctly and properly to care for this person and her mental health.

Sounds like she wants to cuddle babies/toddlers rather than help mums - so hard, she’d be better off volunteering in a charity shop, doesn’t she remember most children don’t like cuddles from people they don’t know?

I didn't want to add this originally as it is a unique situation and I didn't want to out myself or the woman if she uses Mumsnet. But as alot of people have spoken a bit about it I feel like I need to address it to get the right feedback as to what to do-

The lady who is leaving found this woman through working in an organisation as she was lonley and had additional needs. I wasn't actually consulted but the woman who is leaving has such a big heart she will have thought she was helping! I am a friendly person so when the new volunteer first met me I was very welcoming and friendly and told her what our aims are and said we were excited to have her. I did wonder if I could go through the organisation to take the cowards way out but even then I didn't know how to bring it up!

(It isn't a organisation that arranged volunteering for lonley people but more a organisation for lonley people in our area.)

Do NOT give her the kitchen duty

You just need to keep her away - she won’t stop being over bearing just because she’s making the tea AND MORE importantly, you have a volunteer who is doing that job happily already - don’t go upsetting GIID hell you already have!

If you don't yet have a set of rules in place for volunteers, you need to make one.

This could include that you only accept volunteers to the group who have children themselves attending, unless it is in a purely admin or food prep and clear up role.

I can see why they thought it might work out on the face of it...

She's not really a volunteer is she? She's coming for the company and what she really needs is a pensioners' group. Is there a local one you could suggest for her?

The lady who is leaving found this woman through working in an organisation as she was lonley and had additional needs. I wasn't actually consulted but the woman who is leaving has such a big heart she will have thought she was helping!

Has this person left yet? Can you say to them that it is NOT working out and now you need their help to tell this volunteer that?

I am a friendly person so when the new volunteer first met me I was very welcoming and friendly and told her what our aims are and said we were excited to have her. I did wonder if I could go through the organisation to take the cowards way out but even then I didn't know how to bring it up!

You can certainly ask them for support in how to address this, because if they could find her another position to volunteer at, then that would be best all round.

I think it's reasonable to ask her not to come any more. It sounds as if she's already demonstrated she's not going to listen to instructions and so on. You have a duty of care to mothers and babies in your group - her behaviour is inappropriate, especially doing things that parents don't want her to do, which is surely a safeguarding red flag. And what if her behaviour escalates, eg taking a child off the premises?

I've been in a position of trying to improve someone's performance by giving training, making specific rules to stop their behaviour etc, in a work setting, and all that happened is that everyone else became incredibly worried that they were the person who was performing badly, and in the end the person in question was sacked anyway when things didn't improve.

Organisations that run round the needs of the volunteers almost always have problems, unless those needs fit in with the aims of the group. Otherwise, as you've found, the people that the group was set up to help vote with their feet.

That’s a waterfall!
I u deter and you didn’t want to out yourself or her, but it’s a rather important but if the picture!!

I would take the cowards way out and speak to someone at the organisation and say that you’re sorry but it’s not working out and ask them to deal with it.

You probably won’t need to say anymore than ‘it’s nit working out’ but if you do, just explain, they’ll understand.

It’s sad for the woman, but you have to keep YOUR reason for setting the group up as the priority. That organisation has their focus, you have yours.

Is your organisation run out of a church hall? We found that the church could be pretty supportive of our baby and toddler groups and could find us a volunteer if we needed one ... so the reverse might also be possible, your church might know of something else this lady could do? In my experience church people are usually very good at tailoring to additional needs.

Or as no squirrels pointed out, if the ‘helpful’ one hasn’t left yet, ask her to deal with it.

Where do you get your volunteers from, references? Are you part of an organisation, where does your support/supervision come from? Do playgroups have to be registered , is there an organisation for playgroup leaders, do you have management committee or trustees.
Volunteers should be treated like staff with interview, probationary period, appraisal, supervision, procedures. If you have a local volunteer recruitment or support organisation there will be guidelines.
You need a frank talk with this woman and give her a warning. Confirm the conversation in writing with likely consequences. If response is not appropriate let her go. Plenty of charity shops to work for.