To ask a lady to stop volunteering?

[Mumofone1862]

I run a non profit playgroup and for the past month I have had a new volunteer.

There are a few issues- on several occasions I have been talking to mums about something they have asked me about and the woman cuts in to tell a story about herself and it's like she is trying to cut the mum out of the conversation and just talk to me.

As volunteers the main thing is to just welcome new mums and make sure they are happy ect. But two mums have come to me because she doesn't listen when they ask her not to take their children or tell them what to do with their child.

This is the same with my child, he cries whenever she comes near him as he knows she will pick him up. I told her atleaat 4 times last week not to pick him up but she doesn't listen. In the end it means I have to carry him around as he is scared which makes running a group alot harder.

One woman has stopped coming as the volunteer is so 'in your face', you can politely end a conversation and walk away and she will follow you.

I set up a playgroup as I hated being left out at playgroups and by following me around and talking over the mums it isn't a great environment.

I understand she probably just wants to be my friend but I want to talk to everyone and as volunteers we should be talking to different people to help everyone feel welcome.

She doesn't help set up or put away, her idea of helping is looking after my son, but he honestly was better before she came. I have politely said multiple times for her to not go near my son. I explained he is a mummy's boy and doesn't like strangers so is better left alone or with me but she ignores me as though she knows best.

She is in her late 60's and has said she is lonley as her child has grown up, but the last two weeks I've barely made enough to run the group whereas before her I was doubling the money and we were able to do really fun crafts and have lots of fruit for the children rather than just bananas!

The fact multiple people have come to me makes me think more people think the same but are being polite.

Should I ask her to leave? My husband said to ask her to do kitchen duties (tea/coffee ect) but I don't know how I would go about it as I already have a specific volunteer to make drinks who is happy as they are and it would be obvious I was trying to push her out? I could just be honest but she seems very emotional (e.g. almost crying when my son doesn't want her to hold him)

Learning new skills is very different to changing ingrained behaviour that you've had for multiple decades.

It is really hard actually to find a volunteering post with children, you have to have extensive checks done. You should explain you only have funding for training volunteers who are students or suitably qualified. blame it all on funding if you have to let her go.

If you really don't want to offend the woman, I second the advice of a pp to ring her and say that as numbers are down, fewer volunteers are needed, so she needn't come in any more and, of course you'll ring if things change (NOT!!!).

Ask for help. Go and have a chat with the local vicar or someone you think appropriate. Explain you care about her feelings but can't manage to look after her and run your playgroup and can they think of a kind way to divert her energy into an 'even more deserving' cause.

Just a thought. Good luck.

There also should be formal training done anyone explaining professional boundaries. This is standard for all childcare roles, paid or unpaid, and would apply regardless of how she has been behaving.

I could just be honest but she seems very emotional (e.g. almost crying when my son doesn't want her to hold him)
OP

I don't want to give people the impression she is 'creepy', the way she is with the children is more that she wants a cuddle and to make them happy, not realising they are only unhappy becuase she has taken them from their parents/playzone!
OP

She is lonely, has some additional needs (?), and I think it is clear that she is using the playgroup and the babies/toddlers there to meet her own emotional needs regardless of the impact on the babies and toddlers. Seriously, this is not right and you should put an end to the relationship.

She is disregarding parents' specific instructions not to touch/pick up their babies and toddlers. She is not even listening to you and won't/can't see the distress she is causing to your child or the others.

Please contact the organisation she was sent from and tell them you do not want her volunteering at the playgroup. Tell them she has caused many parents to leave and it has come to the point where she needs constant supervision because she is disregarding parents' wishes about handling their children.

Me too, MuseumOfYou.

• If I have got it wrong and the organisation didn't actually send her and isn't the responsible party, so to speak, then you will have to bite the bullet and get rid of her.

Some very good suggestions about letting her go in recent posts.

I think that I would go back to the organisation which was supporting her and suggested that this may be an appropriate place for her to volunteer. It obviously isn't - so I'd explain to them the difficulties you are having and that she isn't appropriate in this role.

I think that she would probably be ideal for volunteering with the elderly- in one if the lunch clubs mentioned by pp or similar. Perhaps the organisation could kindly direct her elsewhere.

I do agree with others around putting together a code of conduct for volunteers and checking about DBS. I would think she's just lonely and socially inept but someone volunteering around young children needs to understand safeguarding implications and she obviously doesn't.

Good luck!

She may be volunteering but she is also putting your reputation at risk. I’d treat it as I would a paid role. Volunteering isn’t always easy because it’s harder to enforce rules - somebody has given you their own time for no financial gain. However, she is affecting your income. She needs to be reeled in.

Has she completed all volunteering requirements, eg vetting, references, induction? Is she aware that you pay insurance and there are strict guidelines to follow re safeguarding?

I do believe she means well. She probably wants to share her long years of experience. But maybe she needs to be micro managed and given specific jobs. Can you give her paperwork, phone calls, etc? Do you use local support to visit your group to offer advice to parents or to provide group play activities? These can be used to your advantage as these kinds of “professionals” will also pick up on her inappropriateness and correct it!

Do you do fund raising? Could that be a distraction for her?

I do a lot of volunteering and it’s great to get the support of new blood but it still needs to be managed.

Learning new skills is very different to changing ingrained behaviour that you've had for multiple decades

Surprisingly, this is also possible.

I have recently decided not be such a people pleaser, It's been easier than I anticipated and I am very much enjoying the results.

I have handled over a 100 volunteers. I would advise you that you do need references, enhanced crb checks as @Alexapourmeadrink said. Have also had to let a few go for reasons like this. It is hard because unless you are a large organisation with multiple avenues for volunteering you really are flogging a dead horse with this lady.

Do not invite to your home, we had one volunteer who turned up at the hospital when a colleague went in for heart problems and someone mentioned it. Be professional.

@MuseaumOfYou, surely you need to the self awareness to realise there is a problem and the drive to want to change. Is it really likely that someone in their 60s with special needs is likely to have this? She doesn't seem to have any social awareness, she isn't going to suddenly develop it.

I agree with @NoSauce.... she's an adult so treat her like one and talk to her.

I appreciate it's not a comfortable conversation but you are effectively her boss.

Be kind but say there are some issues with her following instructions and then give examples. Tell her that you love her enthusiasm but some of the children and mums are finding it overwhelming, again, give examples.

I think she has an overbearing personality, hence why she doesn't see much of her own grown up children and is trying to hard to prove to knows her stuff.

Give her a chance to moderate her behaviour, if it doesn't improve you will have a firmer footing to disengage her services.

@Mumofone1862 You're not based in Edinburgh are you?? You are describing an ex friend of mine down to a T.....
Unfortunately the way I found to deal with her was to cut her off. She didn't listen either. Good luck 💐

I really can't understand all the suggestions of ways to let this lady go without being up-front and honest.
You're making a rod for your own back if any of these are used and later the real truth outs.

Best option is to be professional, tell her politely but firmly that the advice you've given is not optional. That she either needs to listen and follow the rules regarding not picking up children etc, or you will be forced to let her go as this is putting off parents from coming.

Now she knows there is a consequence to her actions, if she continues to act inappropriately it's on her.

And DBS checks as well as written policy for volunteers (and yourself), on what is expected of interactions with other people's children (whether their parents are present or not).

I personally know of a hobby group that was torn to pieces when someone with safeguarding experience highlighted concerns to authorities over 1 individual. The group was free, with volunteers, and parents were expected to be responsible for their children. However it transpired the individual did have a criminal record involving underage children. Many people, including the individuals own adult offspring, were completely shocked and disgusted. The individual had been well known and well loved by all, especially children.
Many friendships were destroyed in the aftermath, and at least 1 child was placed on a child protection plan for being allowed to come into contact with this individual, even though the family & many friends had absolutely no way of knowing about the individuals past.

Protect yourself and those around you.

I have stopped going to 2 different playgroups with my DD for very similar reasons - at one of them in particular a young SEN girl “helped” at one of the groups & though the church who ran it meant well by all means, this young lady had no capacity to be working with toddlers & young babies - she would often become frustrated at very normal baby behaviour and aggressively shout at the kids, it was truly uncomfortable and obvious the church let her get away with it because she was SEN.

It’s so lovely to let people feel like they are helpful and allow them to be involved in community groups, however it’s also important to recognise when the dynamics simply don’t work.

In this case - she needs to go! She’s not going to change & it’s not your responsibility to nurture her feelings, it’s your responsibility to the mothers who are attending a playgroup to provide a lovely environment that will help their kids interact & also help the mothers get some much needed interaction. It’s also your responsibility to yourself to relax and be happy and not put up with this obligation!

Chatting to her is probably going to be a waste of time, I’d go directly to the organisation she came from & tell them that unfortunately this type of group is just not the right fit for the volunteer & you’d really appreciate their support in finding a more suitable alternative elsewhere for her to make better use of her skills. If they make any suggestions about her staying & helping in the kitchen just be firm and say no. She will not change. Life’s too short to deal with situations like this, you owe it to yourself and the other mums to end this. Good luck x

I'm afraid that the older generation are a bit too set in their ways and will always think they know.best without keeping an open mind.

WTF?!!!

It's not really fair to generalise all older people like this

Can you put the legal case to her about not touching someone's child without permission? She sounds like a job in a nursery might suit her better. No mums around to annoy, and she would have to get a little training where she would learn about approaching toddlers gently.

Just tell her that you are having to reorganise how the playgroup is run to bring it into line with various legal and insurance issues and that you will not be able to use her very kindly offered services any longer. Thank her profusely for all she has contributed and wish her well.

I'm afraid that the older generation are a bit too set in their ways and will always think they know.best without keeping an open mind.

Lovely bit of ageism there. 🙄

Your business, means your rules. I would tell her straight that she either has to work as you wish her to or that she is no longer welcome as a volunteer. Tell her that you will monitor how things go over the next week and then make a decision as to whether she can continue to volunteer.
My bet is that she is so entrenched in her ways that she will within 24 hours do what she has been told not to do and that is when you will have to be firm and say no not acceptable I do not wish you to come in any longer.
If she is picking up children all the time then there is a potential safeguarding issue, which is where I would start the discussion saying you would have no alternate but to remove her if you continue to pick up other children without the express permission of the parent.

I second the advice of a pp to ring her and say that as numbers are down, fewer volunteers are needed, so she needn't come in any more and, of course you'll ring if things change Seriously, no. This is not being kind to her. She will simply try to find another similar role, and will be left wondering why everyone tells her there's nothing wrong with her work but no-one is letting her do anything.

When will you be seeing her again OP?