To ask a lady to stop volunteering?

[Mumofone1862]

I run a non profit playgroup and for the past month I have had a new volunteer.

There are a few issues- on several occasions I have been talking to mums about something they have asked me about and the woman cuts in to tell a story about herself and it's like she is trying to cut the mum out of the conversation and just talk to me.

As volunteers the main thing is to just welcome new mums and make sure they are happy ect. But two mums have come to me because she doesn't listen when they ask her not to take their children or tell them what to do with their child.

This is the same with my child, he cries whenever she comes near him as he knows she will pick him up. I told her atleaat 4 times last week not to pick him up but she doesn't listen. In the end it means I have to carry him around as he is scared which makes running a group alot harder.

One woman has stopped coming as the volunteer is so 'in your face', you can politely end a conversation and walk away and she will follow you.

I set up a playgroup as I hated being left out at playgroups and by following me around and talking over the mums it isn't a great environment.

I understand she probably just wants to be my friend but I want to talk to everyone and as volunteers we should be talking to different people to help everyone feel welcome.

She doesn't help set up or put away, her idea of helping is looking after my son, but he honestly was better before she came. I have politely said multiple times for her to not go near my son. I explained he is a mummy's boy and doesn't like strangers so is better left alone or with me but she ignores me as though she knows best.

She is in her late 60's and has said she is lonley as her child has grown up, but the last two weeks I've barely made enough to run the group whereas before her I was doubling the money and we were able to do really fun crafts and have lots of fruit for the children rather than just bananas!

The fact multiple people have come to me makes me think more people think the same but are being polite.

Should I ask her to leave? My husband said to ask her to do kitchen duties (tea/coffee ect) but I don't know how I would go about it as I already have a specific volunteer to make drinks who is happy as they are and it would be obvious I was trying to push her out? I could just be honest but she seems very emotional (e.g. almost crying when my son doesn't want her to hold him)

I'm afraid that the older generation are a bit too set in their ways and will always think they know.best without keeping an open mind. You do know that "the older generation" is what you will be in a few years time?

Just tell her

It’s not working out, give her a box of chocolates and goodbye it’s best we part company, thanks but that’s it I don’t need you any longer.

End of

Meredinto, but it would be devastating to hear she is socially inappropriate/not good with children. Being too direct may really knock her. Sometimes being too blunt can hurt. I wouldn't make it personal.

I really don’t think older people are ‘set in their ways’ at all, and in fact can be more relaxed and open minded, and less uptight than someone youñger. The company I work for prefer older employees as they work harder, aren’t glued to their phones whilst working, don’t bring their personal life/dramas to work, don’t have child care problems and don’t take time off sick for minor stuff. The issues op has with this person are due to her personality and lack of people skills, and not due to her being the wrong side of 40.

you can't seriously think that? she sounds mentally challenged not to follow rules has she been CRB checked? you have to be so careful round children now and she doesn't sound to be listening, I have been a nanny and had 3 kids of my own and 2 grandkids, I did volunteer at a play group there were so many rules that had to be adhered to and she just ain't listening!!

sometimes people dont realise there upsetting others. Having managed large teams it is amazing those that truly do not listen or fully understand when people say they are not happy with their approach. The worst group are those who whinge, do nothing and are fearful of what the person may say if confronted. Most people dont head out to the work place to upset people, most are horrified that they are perceived as being nothing but helpful....have a quiet chat over a tea/coffee....she may be the 1% who needs to be told to go

'I have had a few complaints about you I am afraid and if you want to carry on it will be on a trial basis to see if you can follow the instructions for helpers. If not I will have to say that you can no longer come.'

Have a “routine” meeting with all volunteers to discuss how the group is progressing. As with any service we provide it’s important to ensure that it’s meeting the needs of those who wish to use it. The meeting will provide feedback from service users about what they enjoy and what they would suggest as positive changes. As a result of the feedback you will want to put in place changes that have been suggested and that you view beneficial and emphasise that these must be adhered to. Also recap Child Protection regulations and how they are to be enforced, eg. no picking up children who aren’t requesting it.
This way you are able to enforce all that you want this particular volunteer to adhere to but in a general feedback for everyone so she isn’t feeling targeted. You can avoid making it personal at this point and state that incoming cash is significantly less so it’s essential that the guidance is adhered to as it will enhance the group through what additional activities you can offer. You can be firm about it to everyone, that you are there to respect other people’s wishes for their children and provide a listening ear as that’s what mothers need. If they ask for advice then you can respond but otherwise just listen. Other volunteers may well know who you are actually referring to but keep it professional.
If that doesn’t work then it’s simply a matter of speaking to her one to one and saying that it’s lovely having her there and you appreciate her time but that the role is one as has already been laid out big she feels that she can’t adhere to that then maybe somewhere else may be better suited to her.

"She sounds like a job in a nursery might suit her better. No mums around to annoy, and she would have to get a little training where she would learn about approaching toddlers gently."

Noooooooooooooo

She sounds like a job in a nursery might suit her better. No mums around to annoy
The mums don’t like her touching and upsetting their kids, so put her in a nursery where she can touch and upset kids without the mums knowing. Do you really think that’s a solution?!

I’m sure that even though there are parents around, your volunteers/staff still need to be DBS checked?
Just because other parents are attending it doesn’t stop someone working with the kids being a criminal, which is why the DBS is needed

It's unfortunate that organisations and educational establishments that work with adults/teens with additional needs, seem to think that nurseries and schools for children with learning disabilities are good places for their clients to get work/volunteering experience. They assume that staff will be tolerant of them, while other companies and establishments won't.

At my school for severely learning disabled children with complex needs, after years of almost exclusively finding that schools were sending their least able teenagers to us on work experience, we had to withdraw from the partnership. Our children needed observant,sensitive and intelligent handling. And that was sadly beyond the teenagers we were sent. Far from being a help, they were a hindrance and we had to look after them as well (and pick up the pieces when our children had meltdowns due to the work expereince kids' clumsy interactions with them.

It seems like the organisation which recommended this lady to you had the same mistaken idea of what's required in working with young children, OP

'you don't have the right skills to work with toddlers and I don't have the resources to train you so I'm going to have to ask you not to come again. Good luck in finding a voluntary post which is a better fit for your skills'

Being too direct may really knock her. So will trying to work out why no-one wants her despite being "good" at what she's doing. Better to be told what she's doing wrong in one particular setting, than to be trying to work out why people don't like her.

OP I have not read all the replies but just wanted to say please do not ask her how she thinks it is going if you are going to tell her how badly it is really going. It will just be massively embarrassing for her.

In your shoes I would have a one to one with her and find out how she is. If she is very unhappy, lonely, dealing with loss of friends/family whatever, then I would consider suggesting things that may be more useful for her. (Volunteering in a charity shop, or for a citizens advice type place etc.) It doesn't need to be over the top just 'I saw they were looking for people in the local charity shop and wondered if you know anyone who would be free to do that'.

In terms of her helping you, I'd sit down just the two of us and explain the issues. Presumably as a new volunteer she is on 'probation' and she understands this.

And if not, please explain to her that you are both just testing the water together.

I think you can be direct but also nice, so you could say "I know you are wanting to help and probably enjoy the company of the children etc but the children are here to play and perhaps to parallel play with each other, and the mums are here to socialise with other mums. So our job is to facilitate that. Setting up, tidying up, making drinks, cutting up fruit etc, taking money on the door, reading a story in the story corner, or whatever are all helpful things."

If she can do these safely then great.

Picking up kids, interrupting conversations etc are very unhelpful.

This is very tough to explain to her but I do think it is in her best interests to ensure that she knows what is going on so if it doesn't work out she can go elsewhere and know what was not working.

There may be lots of settings like a home for elderly residents where she would be a breath of fresh air. At the very least I would get her doing the things you actually need her to do before letting her go but I think she sounds like she really does not understand modern safeguarding issues if she thinks she can keep on picking up babies or small children when parents have said no. Not that she has any wrong intentions but just that nowadays you simply do not pick up other people's kids in their presence without their permission. It's just so basic. IMHO.

Totally agree with PP who said 'don't make it personal'. The rules now are, this is how we have to do it now, this is what the training says etc etc. Not I don't like it or XYZ said... instead just basic, Generally, we are not allowed to pick up kids unless parents ask us to.

Good luck

I have a daughter on the autistic spectrum- she is “high functioning” so you wouldn’t know she had a disability on casual acquaintance; however she lacks the social antennae we all take for granted and this makes her really lonely as she is often rejected. She is only 17 but I fear that at 60 she could well be your volunteer and my heart hurts for her. Perhaps your lady is also on the spectrum. Autistic people can be quite literal and if you explain to them very clearly what behaviour is ok, I have found that (sometimes) helps - they just don’t “know” like neurotypical people do, how to be appropriate. Sitting her down and explaining kindly might help. I hope you find a way to help her so that she can stay on and feel needs as part of something, though if she is upsetting your new mums I realise it’s a tricky situation.

FFS. The people who matter here are the new mums the group is set up for. It is not the OP's responsibility to provide support, comfort and entertainment for someone who is either a self-obsessed twat or who needs additional support that OP is not being employed to provide.

OP, if she came to you 'officially' through an organisation, contact them and say that you don't want her and will not have her back: she is their problem, not yours. They are the ones with the 'duty of care' towards her. If it was less official than this, the maximum amount of kindness/responsibility you owe is to contact them and let them know that you will not be having her back - you then tell her that her services are no longer required and you wish her well.

But DO NOT carry on wringing your hands and fannying about while she upsets new mums and their DC and puts your group at risk of closing down. Her wishes and feelings are irrelevant, she is a PITA and you need to get rid of her. Ignore the posters getting all Waa waaa waa be kind to her - that's not your job and not your problem. Your priority is the wellbeing of the mums and little children you set your group up for.

I'm afraid that the older generation are a bit too set in their ways

Wtf??

I'm in my late 60s. In the last 15 years I've done another (totally different subject to my previous career) degree, then further trained as an adult lecturer, also topped up to qualify as a HCP, set up a self emplyed business with now several employees , started and run a sports club, trained as a specialist sports coach,

How dare anyone say older people are set in their ways! What an ageist, patronising comment!

And OP, just tell this volunteer she's no longer welcome to volunteer any more, with immediate effect. No ifs, no buts
Or, if you don't want to do that, tell the organisation who sent her it isn't working out and you no longer want her help. Put the ball back in the court it belongs, with them

I'm afraid that the older generation are a bit too set in their ways

Ahhh,bless your heart,when you've grown up a bit you'll realise it's a bit daft to make sweeping generalisations, especially about things you clearly know nothing about

This has to be sorted. She's putting her own neediness ahead of their needs, and with kids that is never, ever okay. She isn't trying to meet their needs, but to get them to meet hers. I wouldn't ever return to a place where a worker behaved like that. It defeats the object of a playgroup. And I absolutely know that if some have complained, others will want to but feel awkward. Honestly, the steps you are taking with the organisation and the DBS aspect are essential, because otherwise you won't have a playgroup to offer, and that's not even in the volunteer's interests.

I also know what you mean about age. Car seats not being important on short trips (my lovely, brilliantly clever uncle) babies choking if you let them sleep on their backs and it all being a silly fad which will change back to say otherwise (my mother in law) falling asleep with a newborn on a sofa (my mum) and making up bottles with cold water, storing a batch in the fridge, then warming in a bowl of hot water (so many people). We know the advice because we are educated on it by professionals and other mothers, because we have babies. When those babies grow up, we'll stop being taught and stop discussing it, and when we become that sort of age, unless we have grandchildren and are interested in learning and willing to be told, we'll also come out with stuff that appals newer generations. It's not ageist to state facts.

don't want to give people the impression she is 'creepy', the way she is with the children is more that she wants a cuddle and to make them happy, not realising they are only unhappy becuase she has taken them from their parents

May I ask op, why are you allowing a person with social difficulties to use other people’s babies as toys? She just wants a cuddle? FGS.

Hi OP,
Could you ask this lady to run a craft table at the playgroup each week.
She could plan a simple activity: colouring/leaf rubbings/ hand prints etc (run the idea by you to check it is ok or you suggest ideas) and then she would be sat down at the table and have a constructive way to engage with the mums and little ones.

I don't have any new advice to offer that hasn't been said but just to say I've heard of similar problems at other playgroups.

My friend, with her last baby, had to withdraw from a really nice baby group that she liked because the group leaders daughter was a volunteer, she had some unspecified LD and because my friend is excessively polite and does not give off an unapproachable vibe, she found that the girl relentlessly fixated on her and her child, to the absence of any point in going because it became about what the young person stood to gain from her being there and not what she and her baby were getting from it.

At the same time it seems very cruel and ultimately quite prejudiced to say people who lack social awareness or are learning impaired should not be able to volunteer were they want, but I suppose the key is that the volunteering and the volunteer are well suited to one another, regardless of ability