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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want visitors?

281 replies

AnnetteJones · 14/10/2019 19:58

Gave birth to a little girl last Friday. We are happy and healthy, DP is being a saviour. I’m still sore from the delivery so have informed friends & fam but don’t really want them to see us yet.

Had a snarky comment from lady in the next bed who has had a few visitors and said that she is just glad people care enough to come/are excited about her new arrival

Parents & siblings do seem a bit hurt that I have not given them a date to visit but of course they will meet her eventually!

Aibu?!

OP posts:
Graphista · 15/10/2019 17:42

"You have had a baby, not a major op and obviously well enough to post on this web site. " how do you know op hasn't had a major op? Birth could have been a section (I don't think she has said) or otherwise assisted which can take some recovery and no being sore down below doesn't mean it wasn't a section either. My section was at the end of a 28 hour labour one of the issues was dd was part through and got "stuck" so I was still bloody sore!

As for "well enough to post on this website" it's hardly taxing! Whereas dealing with visitors really can be exhausting. OP hasn't even posted very much!

Hate seeing this comment re sick/incapacitated mners. I'm disabled myself so in chronic pain constantly up to my eyes in meds yet I still manage to post because funnily enough it can be easily done quietly, lying down!

stucknoue · 15/10/2019 17:43

I don't understand why people don't want visitors, I would have loved my mum to visit but she was 6000 miles away

phoenixrosehere · 15/10/2019 17:45

@Juliettewhiskey1990

Have stitches? Have been in labour for 3 days? Had a c section? Needed a episotomy? Have a catheter in? Needed a blood transfusion?

Had all of those (in labour for three days twice) except had five courses of iron transfusion instead of blood with my second and PTSD (which I recall my mil joking about after I found myself sobbing on my oldest first birthday remembering what had happened. She had three straightforward natural births where mine had been a medically unnecessary induction that failed spectacularly while being ignored by consultants) as well as incontinence with the second which thankfully only lasted a short period but I still am not as I was 2 years on, but of course that means nothing compared to family getting to see my baby when they want.

Cornflakesncake · 15/10/2019 17:50

@stucknoue maybe try reading alot of the reasons already posted on this thread such as the one above and that may help you understand why.

ThatMuppetShow · 15/10/2019 17:54

Pardonwhat

Ah, you think child birth is an illness. That’s the end of discussion really.

you do need to educate yourself.

Graphista · 15/10/2019 18:01

interesting cultures where the mother is isolated from society with the exception of her own mother in the initial weeks after the birth have the lowest rate of postpartum depression in the world

"Not surprised by that in the slightest."

Me neither!! we treat post partum mothers appallingly in UK now.

When my mum and grand had their babies they weren't expected to entertain within days of giving birth, it was normal then to be given a week to recover. The entertaining/giving family that didn't live with them chance for cuddles didn't happen until the 2nd week and there was an element of a "hierarchy" being involved and from discussions with friends (who are from all over UK as dad was army, but this is civvy AND army friends) so different, backgrounds, cultures, religions and nationalities (within the UK countries, Scots, welsh... But also some from non UK countries) their mother's and grandmothers had similar experiences.

Post partum mothers were protected and cared for, I remember my mum being particularly shocked that one friend of mine was discharged from hospital 3 hours after giving birth! She was horrified not only from an emotional perspective but "how can they possibly know she's no infections or anything that quickly?!" Which actually I agreed with and right enough that friend ended up 're-admitted a week later with...an infection! They'd done something weird with her stitches.

InFiveMins · 15/10/2019 18:16

Yep YABU. Your family should be able to see the baby, a couple of hours visit won't hurt.

Juliettewhiskey1990 · 15/10/2019 18:30

@InFiveMins surely waiting a day wont hurt

hazell42 · 15/10/2019 18:34

Your choice, but I'm with the other woman. If, when you deign to allow yoyr family and friends a visit, they are not interested, you will only have yourselves to blame

Krisskrosskiss · 15/10/2019 18:35

I'm waiting for the day that people stop bowing childbirth as some kind of big family celebration that everyone can turn up to. No one should feel under pressure to have visitors unless they want them after having given birth. I think it's just sick that anyone would suggest that the wants of family members supersedes the wishes of whoever just gave birth. It can be such a traumatic experience even if its textbook and it can take different people different lengths of time to cope with.... it should NEVER be assumed that a mum will be accepting visitors. People should wait until they are asked to visit. It wont bloody kill anyone to do that. Surely the wishes of the person who's just pushed a baby out of themselves come before any weird family dynamics.... the baby is still going to be the same baby I'm a few weeks when the mother is feeling more up to visitors.... what is all this rush about? Leave these women alone for gods sake.

BuildBuildings · 15/10/2019 18:36

Do what you want. But you have to be prepared for close family to feel put out.

Juliettewhiskey1990 · 15/10/2019 18:37

@hazell42 yes, either we visit exactly when we say so or we will never be interested in your child. Very reasonable and adult like Confused

Juliettewhiskey1990 · 15/10/2019 18:41

@BuildBuildings put out by being asked to wait a day or so? Why would people rather put out a woman who has just been through labour over a bunch of people who feel entitled to a baby that isnt theirs. They are only being asked to wait a day or two, not until the child is half reared ffs

Krisskrosskiss · 15/10/2019 18:42

Tbh if someone gets in a strop because you didnt invite them to the hospital and then decides not to be in your childs life after that then you are well rid. It's always nice when the trash takes itself out.

Graphista · 15/10/2019 18:45

And yes it very much depends on what the likely visitors are like.

My parents mother especially would have thought they were helping but she has a tendency to take over and "sort things out" because obviously how I arrange my kitchen or do my laundry is wrong! I couldn't have been doing with that immediately post partum.

In laws mil was ltd what she could do but would have tried then gubbed herself and we'd have had to take her to hospital weirdly the one that would have been the most help was fil though he'd have been the most reluctant as he'd have felt like he was overstepping

Friends where we were living at the time, certain friends we were very close to and they WERE a great help, brought food, made cuppas etc others expected to be waited on so we naturally tended towards discouraging them.

Thinking about it the 2 couples who were genuinely helpful I am still friends with and dd is friendly with their kids to a point (we don't live near each other now but did till the kids were 3/4 and we've all stayed in touch on sm. The kids are all 18-20 now we visit sometimes and funnily enough the kids all get on great, they're like cousins)

But surely any experienced mner knows SOME families are toxic, unsupportive, critical...

I've just remembered there was a thread quite recently (which I think got deleted) by a grand mother bemoaning that baby was 3 days old and not seen it yet... She got a bit of sympathy at the beginning but as the thread went on it became glaringly obvious that she HATED her dil, that there was a HUGE back story and there were very likely damn good reasons why she wasn't welcome!

We see that kinda thing all the time on mg and it doesn't have to be that bad for an exhausted post partum mother not to want visited by passive aggressive, unhelpful, critical people

Wonderhowidfeel · 15/10/2019 18:50

My ILs went in a huff because DH (not me!) asked them to wait until I was feeling better before they visited. I had a terrible end to my labour and nearly lost my son, I had forceps and stitches. I couldn't go to the toilet properly. My FIL still is upset with me.

I relented on the third day and mil text me telling me when she would be visiting and how long for. They arrived with bags and boxes of crap that they joked I'd have to sort, FIL kept farting in my quite small living room and they passed the baby between them and bil. Even though they were semi well behaved for them I still felt like shit, it was clear during my pregnancy that they were only interested in me as rent a womb and that after birth they no longer cared about me only our baby. None of them asked how I was, how the birth was, or actually how my son was (he was quite poorly when he came out and we both needed a lot of help). They came to have their photo taken and pretend to be the worlds best gps. If we have another I won't be having any visitors for a week or so.

No OP you are not UR. Make the most of this time and have visitors when YOU are ready. If people go in a huff or say they are no longer interested then frankly they are idiots and not worth your time. It is fine to be disappointed or a bit sad you have to wait to meet a baby but that should never be voiced or used to pressurise someone who even with the easiest of labours may be feeling a bit delicate and overwhelmed. YOU GREW A PERSON AND GAVE BIRTH TO THEM. Now is your time to think of you! And baby to an extent who only wants to be held and cuddled by mum!

hazell42 · 15/10/2019 19:00

@Juliettewhiskey1990
That is the assumption, though isnt it?
We expect to be able to put a ring our their joy, and only allow them to celebrate when most convenient to us.
Which all seems a bit, well, joyless..
As I said, their choice

Trafalger · 15/10/2019 19:04

I really hope all these mums who say no to grandparents and close family visiting on a lovely occasion like this remember this when their own child has a baby and they may be banned from visiting.

I think it's a real shame people get so precious now about people visiting a new baby. People want to celebrate with you and see your precious, beautiful newborn.

Krisskrosskiss · 15/10/2019 19:04

You dont need to impose your self on someone who's just given birth in order to celebrate... Im sorry but anyone brought 'joy' by forcing themselves on a woman who is not physically or psychologically ready to see anyone is disgusting.
The most important thing is that mother and baby are healthy and bonding well. Any one who claims to care about that baby should realise this and adhere to what the mother wants in terms of when they visit. It's not a celebration to cause suffering to someone.

braw · 15/10/2019 19:05

Tell the woman in the next bed to fuck off. I massively limited visitors with DD2 and was all the happier for it. You do you.

Trafalger · 15/10/2019 19:06

Also I should say I nearly died after my last birth, had 2 blood transfusions and was in icu for 2 days and I still had visitors the next day as I may of been seriously ill but I was also proud of my gorgeous baby and wanted to show the nannas.

Krisskrosskiss · 15/10/2019 19:08

A lovely occasion? People on this thread have been posting about how they ahve ptsd, how they almost died, post natal depression, issues with bonding and breastfeeding, severe physical issues... childbirth isnt a form of entertainment for family members. You have absolutely no idea what someone might be feeling after just having given birth... and they may not be in any state to be able to explain to you what they are feeling to justify themselves.... so if a woman who's just given birth asks to be given space for some time anyone decent ought to accept that and not act like she is being precious.

Krisskrosskiss · 15/10/2019 19:10

Well good for you @Trafalgar but do you not understand that other women may be having different experiences to you?

blahblahblahblahhh · 15/10/2019 19:10

@HigherFurtherFasterBaby same story with me here my full term 9lb baby was in NIcU with sepsis. I got sick to death of people nagging me to visit him - even though there were rules about only parents being in ITU. He's in fucking intensive care bog off please!

ThatMuppetShow · 15/10/2019 19:13

More than half voting posters think YABU, and basically that a woman should shut up and put up with visitors after birth, because, well she doesn't matter, does she? Who cares how she feels.

That attitude is truly disgusting.

And the bitter and childish attitude: if I can't visit when I want, I won't give a damn about your child? Really? Is that how deep your feelings are for your relatives?