Not to want visitors?

[AnnetteJones]

Gave birth to a little girl last Friday. We are happy and healthy, DP is being a saviour. I’m still sore from the delivery so have informed friends & fam but don’t really want them to see us yet.

Had a snarky comment from lady in the next bed who has had a few visitors and said that she is just glad people care enough to come/are excited about her new arrival

Parents & siblings do seem a bit hurt that I have not given them a date to visit but of course they will meet her eventually!

Aibu?!

• I have literally NEVER met another soul who either wants ;

'To bond as a family'
'Recover from the experience' (even after emc )
'Not to want visitors'*

This surprises me, as do the numbers on the poll tbh.

Ive had one normal delivery where my baby was on the ward with me, and two emcs with prems which meant that they were in the NICU and I had a lot of time (pre iphones so people were constantly on the phone to each other rather than FB messenger etc) eavesdropping.

The vast majority of women complained about visitors, mostly about their own: wasnt ready/just want to sleep/trying to get the hang of feeding/all I wanted was to get a shower/they didnt even bring food (if you knew our local hospital, not bringing food to save you from the hospital food is tantamount to a public declaration of hate for the patient, its that bad). They didnt complain to their faces or tell them to go, they were too polite for that, but there were a lot of tears.

I do wonder if a lot of the posters/voters maybe voted the way they did because of a 'well I sucked it up and got on with it, so should you' rather than what they would have really wanted for themselves, as conversely, I dont know anyone IRL who wanted visitors other than their DP in the first few days.

My mother got pissed off when I told her that my ex was going to be my birthing partner not her- said I was selfish and she was my mother and she should be there- even phoned the hospital to check that they had a one birthing partner policy. Said she was hurt. Then at the birth of DD1 she turned up, despite being told not to as she couldnt come in. She got round the midwives by pulling the 'oh Im a nurse too, I know how this works, no Ive just driven all this way, shell want to see me, Ive been so worried' It was 2am so they asked my ex to step out and let her in.

I didnt fucking want her there. I wanted my DP. I know it came from a place of love for me and the new baby but Ive never forgiven her for wrecking that moment for us. Neither has my ex.

So for all the comments about 'oh Id struggle to forgive them/be so hurt/think they should have a good reason' it is not about you, and what you deem to be an acceptable amount of time, whether it is an hour, a day or a week, it is not your place to decide or question and if you are so determined that you need to see the baby at that time, please dont worry about not being able to forgive the new mother- she probably wont forgive you - even if she doesnt say it to your face.

I dont think it's unreasonable at all, it's your choice. I'll be the same when my little girl is here in a few weeks - I don't want any visitors and I would much rather visit family than them come to visit the baby in the hospital.

Lord, so many people on this thread are struggling to grasp a really basic concept :

Not everyone is the same as you.

You like peanut butter? I don't.
You can't stand Ed Sheehan? I quite like him.
You look good in red? I rock the colour blue.

You wanted visitors five minutes after having a human painfully extracted from your person? Bully for you, I didn't.

You have a lovely supportive family that's attuned to your needs and limits? How lovely for you. Not everyone has that.

Your experience is not universal.

Here, have my first: HTH.

We get it, some posters would be mortified if they had to tell Doris next door that they were not the first one to "cuddle" a newborn, they don't give a monkey about the well being of the mother. that's the drama.

Not a single poster on this thread has expressed a need to be the first to cuddle a newborn.
Seriously, people are making things up now.

One person said they'd be offended if they didn't get to see the new baby. Quite a few of us have said that there's no need to keep grandparents away entirely for more than a day or two (as the OP was doing). That however rough one might feel (and we've all been mothers, so we know) it's kind to at least allow a brief meeting so that they can see for themselves that mother and child are fine, and to welcome the latter.

I don't know why people are getting so angry at the that opinion, and putting words into people's mouths that have never been said.

@saraclara you're speaking from your own experience here.

Not everyone's family will be satisfied with a 'brief meeting'. They will overstep, overstay, sulk and tantrum when asked to leave.

Not everyone's relatives are merely wanting to check everyone's ok. As many people up thread have described, some family are there to be first, to throw their weight around, to take pictures, to criticise, to make it about them.

And it's fair enough to not feel up to managing exhausting and selfish people when you are in pain, hormonal, exhausted or simply wanting to enjoy your new baby that you've worked so hard to bring into the world.

I had a baby last week. My DH texted his parents a photo and a message about the baby's arrival including the fact he was on machines and using a feeding tube. FIL blasted back a message about how selfish, hurtful and disrespectful we were for sending the message over a text.

He hasn't been invited to visit and won't be until we have the emotional reserves to put up with his nonsense. If that hurts his feelings then too bloody bad.

I don't think you're unreasonable but agree with other posters that visiting you and your baby in hospital is preferable to visiting at home. At least in hospital there will be a time limit and maybe a limit on the number of visitors at one time.

When you get home put your husband in charge of telling people who want to come round, "Not today", "This afternoon for an hour", "She's resting at the moment".

Grandparents are generally alright because they do things to help - make tea, cook and wash up, even ironing. I know I wouldn't have been able to tolerate a lot of chit chat and laughter in the early days.

'Grandparents are generally alright because they do things to help - make tea, cook and wash up, even ironing.'

None of the ones in my family did any of the above. They expected me and DH to host them like it was an ordinary visit and run around after them making cups of tea. Not one brought so much as a morsel of food. They overstayed for hours and MIL droned on sblht pointless stuff and we had to entertain her conversation when we were so sleep deprived we could barely function and baby had actually fell asleep for the longest time in days meaning we could have slept at that point! MIL actually made a joke of the mountains of washing we would have to do; we had more than normal as baby was poorly from birth. When we attempted to fill them in for the first time on some of the detail from SCBU FIL cut us off and said 'well it's over now'as they didnt want to know or help. In hindsight we should have asked them to leave but weren't emotionally ready for their visit and they forced themselves over so MIL could get obligatory photo with baby (the baby they have no interest in unless a special occasion and photo opportunity to maintain the illusion to her friends they're the doting grandparents.)

Oh and who ever mentioned champagne I would have loved that, only my dm brought a balloon and flowers etc and all the other grandparents were so miserable because they 'felt old now' and sat there like it was a wake, my own father looked like he had been on the drink the night before and was in no fit state to be there and didnt even bring so much as a card for us and new baby (first grandchild.)
Funnily enough this time we wont be in a rush for these kind of visitors.

I don't know why people are getting so angry at the that opinion
Simply because the needs of the mother are pushed away, when there's no reason and no need. If it takes a week for the mother to feel like herself again, and ready to have visitors, so be it.

however rough one might feel (and we've all been mothers, so we know) you know absolutely nothing. You know how YOU felt, you cannot start speaking on behalf of other women.

Again, as repeatedly said on here, YOUR decision is personal.

Otherwise it's as stupid as stating that a child birth should be exactly like yours, because YOU chose to have pain relief/no pain relief/ c-section. Medical issues aside, your body, your choice - same for visitors.
It makes no difference whatsoever for grand parents, relatives and the newborn if the meet when he's 1 hour old or 2 weeks old. None.

Is that really such a hard concept to grasp?

@Soon2BeMumof3 Obviously we are all different. However, op posted on AIBU asking for people’s opinions who are different to her. So, what do you expect - everyone to just agree wit her??

So, what do you expect - everyone to just agree wit her??

that wasn't addressed to me, but yes, I would hope the majority of people would agree that a new mother should be left to decide when she is ready for visitors - she doesn't stop to matter once she popped the baby out.

I find it sad and quite depressing that as soon as pregnancy, childbirth and being a mother is involved, women seem to become second-class citizen.

People start moaning about fathers not pulling their weight but they can't even show the slightest respect for the mother themselves.

@BuntyBonus I think grown women should be capable of giving an opinion with the understanding that other people's circumstances might be different to their own. Not just saying 'well it was dandy for me, therefore YABU and precious' with no regard for the fact the poster might have a different personality, medical state, family relationships etc.

I don't want any visitors and I would much rather visit family than them come to visit the baby in the hospital.

My DH and I are the same way. I’m an extrovert but those that know me well know when I’m in pain or ill I want to be left alone. I would have been happy to take baby out to meet people instead of them coming to us.

Being in a hospital the first time I was really struggling and wanted to be discharged ASAP. Being on the maternity ward was its own kind of hell and I just wanted to be home where it was quiet and felt safe. I had been there for almost a week most of it awake due to induction, never stayed in a hospital since my own birth, and add in the poor care and the trauma I endured, I just wanted to be home . DH and I both weren’t ready for visitors much less guests. We hadn’t been home a full two days when his parents said they be arriving the next day. Didn’t book a hotel either and assumed they were staying with us despite us having little room for them at the time. They had never been to our house before. Husband wasn’t exactly thrilled but thought since his paternity leave was up I’d have someone to help me out. They were with us for almost a week and barely left our house while dh cooked the meals once he came home from work and I made my own meals. Four adults (2 with IBS) and one bathroom and the only time I felt comfortable having a shower where I could take my time was when they pop out for a coffee for an hour or at night after they’d gone to sleep. Was establishing nursing and was going up and down the stairs to nurse in our room, it was the only place I felt comfortable in the whole house. DH wasn’t happy and wasn’t sure what to say after they left. We didn’t speak about it until a few months until our second was due where I suggested we wait a week before we have any visitors and he said two weeks except for my mum. My mum and I have had a strained relationship for years and dh was worried about her coming over yet when she came over we got along more than we ever had in my life. She had had rough pregnancies and labour and could understand how I was feeling. She didn’t just take baby off us and consider it as help, she offered to do things and even took over night feeds. She had shown she was there for all of us not just baby. We let her know first so she could plan her trip over and I explained our reasoning for two weeks and she completely understood. No idea what my in-laws thought and dh didn’t mention it. It was absolute bliss and we drove up to the in-laws after my mum left where they got lots of cuddles and pictures.

I didn't see anyone for a few days after my second was born because I just didn't feel up to it.

I was still struggling to walk after my section, half term was over and trying to get dd1 to school and various clubs was a pain.

All I wanted was to be at home with my husband and children. We saw them all in the end. My MIL was annoyed we didn't invite her immediately but we don't have a close relationship and she's a high maintenance guest which you just don't need after having a baby.

There is no need for visits in the first few days. As it's been said, yes children have relationships with these people but they have years to enjoy that. A few days won't kill anyone.

Exactly what @Graphista said. I am in life generally an assertive, confident person. I'd usually have no trouble saying 'right, we're tired now time to go'.

However after I'd had my first baby, after a very traumatic three day labour that went badly wrong leaving baby and me injured and required nearly a week in hospital for us both I was in no fit state to have to step up and ask people to leave. I felt vulnerable, shocked, ill, traumatised and just wanted to be left alone to get better whilst looking after a newborn and trying to learn to feed. I needed to rest and recover, not host the masses.

Second time around I was actually so much better physically and mentally after an ELCS, but I was also well enough (and experienced enough after the first time!) to say no hospital visits thanks and we'll call when we're ready at home. As I said on my pp, none of our family had a problem with this, because they aren't self centred gits.

A year on from second baby coming and I can definitely say the fact that her grandparents (bar my DM who met her the day we came home because she was there looking after baby 1) didn't meet her for a few days has had zero impact on their relationship with her. Her Grandad is probably her favourite person except me, they all adore her and the feeling is mutual.

I'd be hurt if one of my daughters gave birth and said I couldn't visit, of course I would want to see the baby but I would also want to check my baby was okay, the one I gave birth to however many years ago.

I'd be hurt if one of my daughters gave birth and said I couldn't visit

I think to avoid these awkward situation, in the real world normal family just ask when it is convenient to visit, or if help needed! That way no one is excluded, need to make a drama out of it, or put the parents on the spot.

Only on MN, in my world I don't make appointments to visit my children and vice/versa.

'Only on MN, in my world I don't make appointments to visit my children and vice/versa.'

Yes but that rule should go out the window when somebody has just given birth unless they have told you otherwise.

And you sound lovely and close to your daughter Eleven meaning your communication will be good and I'm sure your daughter will want you there. Unfortunately alot of visitors can force themselves on people who arent ready for their visits quite yet.

Cornflakescake, I could weep at your last but one post. I'm so sorry you have such inconsiderate relatives. I'd have been terribly upset at their lack of sensitivity and don't blame you for not wanting a repeat performance.

I agree 100% with what you said here: "...but that rule should go out the window when somebody has just given birth unless they have told you otherwise."

Thank you so much Blue, oh yes me and dh will definitely do things differently this time. I would love considerate relatives and think people are so lucky if they have them; I certainly wouldn't take them for granted. I get jealous when I see lovely doting caring grandparents and get upset my beautiful DC will never get to experience that (but that's a whole new thread)

I get jealous when I see lovely doting caring grandparents and get upset my beautiful DC will never get to experience that

you can make up for it, and other kids are not so lucky to have caring parents, so don't feel bad for them. I am lucky with my family, but also have a good circle of friends, kids are just as happy to be with other kids most weekends than they would be with older people.

Some grand-parents are amazing, others are shit, kids don't need to suffer for it!

Thanks @ThatMuppetShow yes exactly, that's what me and dh keep reminding ourselves of. Our dc at least have all of the other things you mention so shouldn't suffer no. Families are certainly all different thats for sure.

I really loved having family visit me in hospital on the day of each birth. Only a few hours after our babies were born we had my parents, my siblings, my nieces and nephews, my in laws, DH’s siblings and their children too. It was lovely and so special sharing our bundles with them at only a few hours old.

BUT I absolutely appreciate that others may not want this. It’s your baby, your body, your recovery period, and entirely your choice. I think it’s wonderful that your family are so excited to see the newborn, but I do hope for your sake that they will understand your need for a bit of space in these first few days and not be too offended. And I also hope they get to see the newborn very soon if they haven’t already. Good luck with this new chapter in life OP and congratulations!