Not to want visitors?

[AnnetteJones]

Gave birth to a little girl last Friday. We are happy and healthy, DP is being a saviour. I’m still sore from the delivery so have informed friends & fam but don’t really want them to see us yet.

Had a snarky comment from lady in the next bed who has had a few visitors and said that she is just glad people care enough to come/are excited about her new arrival

Parents & siblings do seem a bit hurt that I have not given them a date to visit but of course they will meet her eventually!

Aibu?!

Also I should say I nearly died after my last birth, had 2 blood transfusions and was in icu for 2 days and I still had visitors the next day as I may of been seriously ill but I was also proud of my gorgeous baby and wanted to show the nannas

And that was your choice and what meant most to you and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but because some of us felt differently doesn’t make us less proud of our babies because we didn’t want to rush and show them off to family.

when their own child has a baby and they may be banned from visiting.

In other words, ask the new parents to let you know when visits are convenient and visit when they are ready.

Because you know, it's not about YOU, but them and more accurately about the woman who has just been through childbirth and has a right to have an opinion, despite having just given birth. It's 2019, women and mothers do matter.

put out by being asked to wait a day or so?

@Juliettewhiskey1990 I don't think anyone has a problem with waiting a day or so. But when it gets close to a week (and for some people it can be a month or more) I think it gets odd if the grandparents still aren't allowed to see the mother and baby, unless there's a clear reason for it.

Op, I had a baby last Thursday. I had scary complications to the end of my pg and an emcs. Fortunately only spent 3 days in hospital and then home.

My DM and step dad visited me in hospital for an hour, had a quick cuddle and then left, and my mil bought my dd in, also met the baby and then headed home. If you are thinking of a few quick visits I think hospital is the place to have them as everything is somewhat managed for you and expectations are low. I’m so pleased I got that out of the way as we need a little breather now that we’re home.

I’ve found things much harder since getting home so we’ve asked others, including siblings, to hold on just for now.

It’s not that they’re not welcome soon, but I’m still establishing feeding, trying to sleep in the day because we’re not getting any at night and recovering mentally and physically from the birth, all the while dealing with my hormones and crying a lot as my milk comes in. Yesterday I overdid it and was a complete mess, I can’t imagine having people here yet.

Just sending sympathy and empathy here, having a new baby might be easy for some but not for all. I’m over the moon but there’s a big hill to climb and I need a bit of time. Do what you think is necessary. x

really hope all these mums who say no to grandparents and close family visiting on a lovely occasion like this remember this when their own child has a baby and they may be banned from visiting.

You equate asking people to wait with banning?

People want to celebrate with you and see your precious, beautiful newborn.

If people wants to celebrate with you shouldn’t they at least contact you first and see how you’re doing so you can see when it is best to come?

*they

@hazell42 as opposed to, I'm going to land round with you anytime i choose regardless of how inconvenient it is to you, i am going to disregard all your boundaries and i dont care if you are overwhelmed or in pain because I have a right to your baby. Your time, your wellbeing and your wishes are nothing to me. If I cant do everything when I want, exactly how I want I can possibly celebrate being a grandmother. How sad. And the mother in this situation is being "precious" ?

I'm going to land round with you anytime i choose regardless of how inconvenient it is to you, i am going to disregard all your boundaries and i dont care if you are overwhelmed or in pain because I have a right to your baby. Your time, your wellbeing and your wishes are nothing to me. If I cant do everything when I want, exactly how I want I can possibly celebrate being a grandmother. How sad. And the mother in this situation is being "precious" ?

@Juliettewhiskey1990 where do you get all that from? Has ANYONE here said that that is okay? It's not the situation that OP was talking about, and it's not what any of us advocating for close family to see the baby within the first two or three days have advocated or would agree with.

I don't know how many times this needs saying. So many people are being drama llamas about this.
If you think your family are going to be boundary crossers, then you make the rules. But they don't have to be that no-one can see the baby at all.
They can be "hopefully you can pop round on day 2/3 as I know you're excited to see mum and baby. But I'm sure you'll understand that (mum) is feeling a bit battered and bruised and needs to rest, so we're limiting visits to half an hour to start with"

Surely all these strong young women are capable of saying "I'm sorry, I need to sleep so it's time for you to go."

If you think your family are going to be boundary crossers, then you make the rules. But they don't have to be that no-one can see the baby at all.

but you still contradict yourself within 2 sentences.

You make the rules (if your family is so intrusive that you actually need to make rules) which is WAIT UNTIL THE MOTHER IS READY TO HAVE VISITORS.
Not YOUR rule to pop in on day 2, not your rule to come for half an hour.
Just a "wait until the mother is ready".

How hard can that possibly be?

Surely all these strong young women are capable of saying "I'm sorry, I need to sleep so it's time for you to go." and they are also capable of saying: "I am sorry, it's not time for visitors yet, I need privacy".
YOU don't seem capable of hearing them though.

If DC is at full time nursery do t see that it's a lot of ferrying about?

Maybe GPs may be prepared to pick DC1 up and bring them to see you?

YABU

I don’t understand why some people don’t understand that people are different. For every woman who is desperate to show of her baby immediately, there is another who is fearful, in pain and distressed and wants space. With my first, I was broken and needed some space. With my second, I was ready immediately to see people. Completely different births and completely different reactions.

If my children have children, I’ll be delighted to meet their babies whenever they are ready for me to do so as my parents were with me.

@Userzzzzz OP AIBU, people with different opinions are saying YABU! That's the whole point she asked for others opinions!

theretheirtheyrenotno Yes but on these threads (and they come up regularly) there is always someone who nearly died and welcomed visitors immediately therefore everyone else should. There is always someone who says they would be devastated and pushed out because they’ll never know their grandchildren and there is always someone who was treated terribly by relatives.

Basically, if relatives thought of the mother first rather than the newborn everyone would be happier.

@saraclara you've literally just argued what I am arguing for

"hopefully you can pop round on day 2/3 as I know you're excited to see mum and baby. But I'm sure you'll understand that (mum) is feeling a bit battered and bruised and needs to rest, so we're limiting visits to half an hour to start with"

Well.... yes exactly. People are not accepting this exact reasoning. Calling mums precious for asking exactly that. Expecting to be visiting straight away. People are accusing op of being unreasonable for saying near enough what you've just said? OP stated that with her first baby she had visitor after visitor and was overwhelmed by it, and is setting her rules this time round.

The comment your quoting was in response to another poster who said that mother was being precious by only allowing family to visit when it was convenient to her. I was pointing out the selfishness of that.

I am sure for anything else, if someone asked "AIBU to wait until I am ready", the answer would be: of course YANBU!

But because it's about a mother, half the answers are "don't be such a snowflake, who cares what you think and how you feel, you are only the mother, shut up and put up with it, you don't count."

It's embarrassing.

“I really hope all these mums who say no to grandparents and close family visiting on a lovely occasion like this remember this when their own child has a baby and they may be banned from visiting.”

My dd is 18 so a wee way off parenthood yet (I hope!) but I already know she’s quite introverted always has been. When under the weather she’s best left in peace so I absolutely expect her to do the same when she gives birth... and that will be absolutely fine by me. Not because I won’t be keen to see her and baby (she has a genetic disability that may well impact pregnancy and birth AND might be passed onto baby) but because that is what SHE will want and need and THAT is what matters - not my potentially ‘hurty feelings’ I’m a grown ass adult! Even if I am a bit sad/disappointed I’ll get over it!

A few of my friends in real life are now grandmothers, one in particular I am close to, her eldest having her kids wanted her mum at the birth and she visited with her dd in the first few days at that dds request when her middle dd had her first last year she preferred to have some quiet time with her little family, my friends 2 daughters (she has a son too the youngest) are very different personalities and she “got” that they handle things differently and respected and honoured that - I don’t honestly see why it’s so difficult for certain posters to see that’s entirely possible?

“Surely all these strong young women are capable of saying "I'm sorry, I need to sleep so it's time for you to go."” This and the earlier comment about new parents needing to “grow some balls” are so ridiculous!!

Anyone familiar with me on here and certainly in real life knows I’m as assertive —bolshy— as the next empowered woman but in the immediate aftermath of having dd I really didn’t have the energy mental or physical of dealing with anyone who didn’t listen to my needs. My ex was unfortunately generally somewhat spineless, and it wasn’t until the community midwife basically bollocked him for letting whoever called at our door in the first few days we were home come in regardless of what I was doing or how I was feeling. She said something like ‘she’s had major abdominal surgery thats like being turned inside out and then put back together again and stitched up AND she’s taking care of a poorly newborn who’s also in recovery. Their rest matters more than ANY embarrassment you might feel or any offence caused to others. You need to be her security guard because otherwise they’ll both be back in hospital again!’ (It had been a rough few days at this point and I was on my knees knackered!

Post partum is for many women the first time they’ve felt completely vulnerable in every way, physically, mentally and emotionally. It can come as a real shock. Even for women like me who’ve had medical issues prior including surgeries etc it can be a whole other ball game. Why should we at this point have to ALSO muster the strength to tell thoughtless, selfish people of the kind likely to take great offence, start an argument maybe causing a family rift ‘actually I need to rest so can we please keep this visit short?’

I can honestly say that during my 5 decades on earth - it is only on MN where this situation appears. I have literally NEVER met another soul who either wants ;

'To bond as a family'
'Recover from the experience' (even after emc )
'Not to want visitors'

Not from self (3 dc) family (siblings 7dc) or friends .. I don't think anyone I know would even comprehend the concept. It really does sound unbelievably precious.
But - if you have absolutely no concerns about coming across as phenomenally self absorbed, and/or believe you will 'lose' something by sharing one of life's greatest happinesses- then go for it.

@Userzzzzz but this mother and baby are healthy as stated in the first post...... no drama needed.

YANBU OP and it's ultimately your choice! I don't agree that it's an absolute right to see a newborn baby and surely it depends on how close you are to family.

I had a very traumatic birth with DC1. Parents turned up to the hospital within an hour of the birth. They rang and rang me and DH's phones but neither of us could answer as the last bit of the birth ended up as a crash call with about 15 clinicians in the room. So they decided to turn up anyway. I was still in the labour ward as the staff had just about finished mopping the floor and weighing the blood from the massive bleed. Needless to say I was in a terrible, bloody mess.. I had to ask DH to turn them away and say there was no way they could come in. By the morning I was in the HDU bed, baby was OK but I could barely stand up and couldn't even give my name to the midwife. DH was my saviour but shell-shocked. Parents turned up again unannounced and came into the room. Sure they were beaming with pride to see their new grandchild but I got nothing in the way of sympathy. DM even told me "oh well everyone tears, I tore, so what, wait til you have as many children as me"... And yes it's got worse and worse and I wonder each day how I might go NC with them. Siblings do not give a shit about me, DH or DC1 but of course just wanted to take loads of photos when they did meet DC1. So yes whether or not you actually want family to visit you and your new baby does actually depend on your existing relationship and some times I think it can hit home just how toxic the relationship actually is.

Sorry that a bit of a long-winded aside but everyone is different and I hope those PP who might be "offended" by not meeting a new baby hours or days after birth are genuinely loving and close to their family members - unlike mine.

You dont need to impose your self on someone who's just given birth in order to celebrate... Im sorry but anyone brought 'joy' by forcing themselves on a woman who is not physically or psychologically ready to see anyone is disgusting.

YANBU. It's your baby, your body and your decision. I actually think it's very selfish of people to expect to see a newborn immediately - close family or not.
After my EMCS I just wanted to be left the fuck alone. I was sleep deprived, in pain, struggling with a baby that couldn't latch and trying to extract colostrum by syringe every spare second I got!
You do what you damn well please.

I have literally NEVER met another soul who either wants

how do you know?

How many women do you know who suffered - badly - from PND? How many women do you know were in flood of tears because of relatives intruding?

You have no idea. You can talk about your own experience, but you have no idea if these other women were too shy, or too polite to tell people to fuck off and leave them alone.

Since when is it "precious" to have a say on how you recover from childbirth? You want family, fine, you want your MIL as your birth partner, fine, you want privacy, why shouldn't you have it?

It's unbelievable to be so narrow minded to try to shame, mock or criticise women about their own right. Some people still haven't evolved from the "women in the kitchen and shut up".

theretheirtheyrenotno
but this mother and baby are healthy as stated in the first post...... no drama needed

the only drama come from the selfish and entitled relatives who try to intrude and show no respect to anyone. If they had a little care for the new mother, there would be no issue.

We get it, some posters would be mortified if they had to tell Doris next door that they were not the first one to "cuddle" a newborn, they don't give a monkey about the well being of the mother. that's the drama.

It just seems a shame to me. I have such happy memories of family and friends meeting my baby for the first time. We were in hospital for 5 nights and I was so proud and so in love with him (still am obvs!) that I couldn’t wait to show him off. When I came out of hospital my dad has bought champagne and close family and friends toasted him. No way would I have wanted to squirrel us both away. Just ask yourself why you are doing it. You will have many time’s ahead when it is just you, your husband and children.