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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want visitors?

281 replies

AnnetteJones · 14/10/2019 19:58

Gave birth to a little girl last Friday. We are happy and healthy, DP is being a saviour. I’m still sore from the delivery so have informed friends & fam but don’t really want them to see us yet.

Had a snarky comment from lady in the next bed who has had a few visitors and said that she is just glad people care enough to come/are excited about her new arrival

Parents & siblings do seem a bit hurt that I have not given them a date to visit but of course they will meet her eventually!

Aibu?!

OP posts:
fruitinaheapisnotabirthdaycake · 15/10/2019 15:38

Yabu and the lady beside you is correct. You should allow family to visit your newborn in hospital.

ThatMuppetShow · 15/10/2019 15:39

Pardonwhat

if a family really is supportive, they are more than happy to wait for the most convenient time.

When posters talk about the right of a non-parent to see the newborn, it's all about them, not about the mother at all, and it's the complete opposite of supportive.

Someone who is supportive would congratulate, ask if there's anything they can do or new parents need anything, and look forward to meet the baby.
Telling them that you are so fuming to be "rejected" (not you personally, a generic you), you won't love the child the same way.. is not supportive, quite the opposite.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 15/10/2019 15:45

People can obviously do as they like, but I think it’s a very odd way of thinking. I was delighted to show off my newborn baby when she came along. Luckily I was well so some short visits didn’t put me out too much. I totally understand it if the mother is unwell after the birth.

yomommasmomma · 15/10/2019 15:51

Yes you are being unreasonable and quite frankly Unpleasant to your family.

Let's hope that once your daughter has a baby, she is more kind than you and let's you meet the baby.

You have just had a baby, millions of women do it everyday, you are more than capable of letting your family meet the baby and saying a few civil words to them.

ThatMuppetShow · 15/10/2019 15:53

You have just had a baby, millions of women do it everyday, you are more than capable of letting your family meet the baby and saying a few civil words to them.

see? Completely dismissing the feeling and state of a new mother.

THAT is exactly what I find offensive, entitled, selfish and unacceptable, especially in these days and age.

saraclara · 15/10/2019 15:55

When posters talk about the right of a non-parent to see the newborn,

Has anyone said it's a right? Of course it's not a right. But most new mothers (in real life anyway) recognise that the people who love them most, have supported them through pregnancy, and who are going to adore that new baby almost as much as they do, will be bursting to see them* and the baby. And they're prepared to give them half an hour to do that.

*Yes, as her mother, I'll be itching to see my daughter to make sure she's okay and to give her a (gentle) hug.

summersherewishiwasnt · 15/10/2019 15:58

It’s absolutely your choice. However, when you demonstrate to family that you only see them on your terms you can’t be surprised when they do the same to you. Family is about compromise imo. Just a thought but how would you feel if people didn’t make any effort to see you and the baby. People can’t win.

ThatMuppetShow · 15/10/2019 15:58

cue all the threads about lying to MIL or other families about due-dates and labour to try to get at least a few minutes of privacy and peace..

The less supportive and the more selfish others are, the least they are wanted immediately after birth. If you do love someone, you show them respect!

ThatMuppetShow · 15/10/2019 16:00

Just a thought but how would you feel if people didn’t make any effort to see you and the baby.

it doesn't have to be in the hours or days immediately after the birth though, does it? Most normal people manage to visit a new baby when the mum is ready for them, the baby is still a baby!

Juliettewhiskey1990 · 15/10/2019 16:01

You see, I see her family wanting to be there as supportive.

@Pardonwhat you're only being supportive if you are respecting the mother's wishes. Turning up, or making her feel guilty for being asked not to turn up, if shes asked for visitors to wait a while is not being supportive.

phoenixrosehere · 15/10/2019 16:09

Giving birth isn’t an illness.

Yet women die from it, everyday.

I don’t see how family being excited to meet and celebrate the new life is disrespectful

Being excited and wanting to meet the new addition is great. It’s disrespectful if you let your excitement become more important than the mother because you want a cuddle ASAP regardless how the mum feels about visitors.

If you’re hurt by having to wait a bit of time, that’s more your issue than the mum’s. Plus, if all it takes to hurt your relationship with the mum is not being able to meet her baby when you want then your relationship doesn’t really sound that strong to begin with. Baby isn’t going to notice or look that different whether it’s an hour old or 10 days old.

How having family members wait a bit of time to meet baby is cruel is beyond me. Just using the word “cruel” to describe it is ridiculous and I hate to use this word, precious. It’s no wonder so many women suffer in silence when they’re expected to just let people visit them ASAP after going through a life-changing event that effects women emotionally, mentally, and physically. If my sons decide to get married and have children, I’ll let my dils know that I will give them as much support as they feel they need and if they change their mind after birth, that’s all right too. I will come when they feel up to it, whether it’s a few hours, days, or weeks. Their recovery is more important to me than meeting said grandchildren.

FizzyIce · 15/10/2019 16:25

Your bed neighbour had a point.
Atleast people are excited for you and want to share your happy moment

Pardonwhat · 15/10/2019 16:36

phoenixrosehere

Ah, you think child birth is an illness. That’s the end of discussion really.

phoenixrosehere · 15/10/2019 16:52

@Pardonwhat

Where did I say that? I said women die from it which is unfortunately true. There are a long list of conditions associated with pregnancy, during and even after birth. Just because many women go through it, it shouldn’t minimise the seriousness of it when it comes to women’s health.

Juliettewhiskey1990 · 15/10/2019 16:58

@pardonwhat she is not saying it is an illness. But neither is it a walk in the park. Its painful. Its exhausting. Its emotional. If you went through the recovery of labour for any other condition you would be treated much better and people would have more sympathy, but because there is a baby involved suddenly none of that matters. I hate when people say, pregnancy isnt an illness. Well no shit sherlock, but that doesn't mean its not bloody hard. And that's without complications Just because you have chosen to have a child does not make the recovery any less difficult.

Yes millions (understatement) of women have had babies, but equally there are lots of things we go through as humans that millions of other people have gone through. Illness, grief, job loss, car accidents, house fires, flooding etc etc. That doesnt mean that it's any less physically/mentally/emotionally difficult when it's happening you.

But of course, you are only interested in the baby, so it all gets washed over. Millions of other women have had babies so dry your eyes and let everyone and their dog come in to take your baby off you. Have stitches? Have been in labour for 3 days? Had a c section? Needed a episotomy? Have a catheter in? Needed a blood transfusion? Dont care. It's not illness so none of that can possibly be bothering you. Give me your baby. Itll hurt my feelings if you dont.

OkayGo · 15/10/2019 17:10

I get it op. When I had my dd i had already witnessed the ILs behaviour with other babies being born in the family (we were asked to visit all at the same time, and ILs phoned us and demanded we wait outside as they wanted to be first to see the baby. Every time we mentioned if we had seen baby over the next six months or so we would be met with 'we've seen them waaaaay more'. It's not a competition just sod off!) and my mum was already chomping at the bit to visit before them as well. It was exhausting and stressful when you've just had a baby you want people to be respectful not one-uppy with each other. Have people when you want people!

Cornflakesncake · 15/10/2019 17:14

Well said @Juliettewhiskey1990

It must be lovely to be one of these woman that has a wonderfully easy pregnancy then a textbook labour and birth and has such a close supportive family they have them practically be in the delivery room to show baby off! Unfortunately the latter does not happen for many of us. God forbid anybody actually needs time to recover as they maybe haven't had such a great time of it. Also I find it odd that women who have supposedly given birth are judging others because they have made a different choice to them. If you want your family straight over great for you but if you dont than that's still great because it's your choice and nobody elses! What I would hate to see is a new Mum pressured into having people over before she is ready.

PrayingandHoping · 15/10/2019 17:17

I'm not sure why a "great supportive family" means that they have to be visiting instantly

I would say I have a great supportive family. They are great and supportive. They care about ME and my HUSBAND as well as the baby and realise that they don't need to be in our faces instantly after birth and are happy to wait to see us when we are ready.

Cornflakesncake · 15/10/2019 17:17

I totally agree @OkayGo
My inlaws were obsessed with whether my parents had saw baby before them, it was so childish and not what you need when you're trying to recover from often such a traumatic time.

OkayGo · 15/10/2019 17:18

I also think people cope with things differently. After I had dd I was shocked, I had an infection and was so poorly. I could hardly move and was shivering in the corner of the sofa under a blanket and nobody even looked at me, just held the baby while I suffered. They weren't the sort of lovely people who made food or did washing etc. They were there for themselves.

OkayGo · 15/10/2019 17:23

@Cornflakesncake totally. After the life changing, physically exhausting, sometimes traumatising birth people are arguing about who sees the baby first and it's just rude. But some people have lovely families who help out and are genuinely worried about the person who gave birth etc and not just the race to see the baby.

Cornflakesncake · 15/10/2019 17:24

@PrayingandHoping it was because alot of posters were making out that if family want to come over right away they're just being supportive and that being in your faces is normal and expected after birth.
Your family sound amazing and it would be lovely if more acted like that.
Maybe some of the women that are so adamant you have to see everyone right after giving birth or be deemed as 'odd' have hit a raw nerve because it wasn't actually what they wanted; makes me wonder.

PrayingandHoping · 15/10/2019 17:31

@Cornflakesncake exactly. It was
An insinuation that the reason people HAD to visit was because their families are amazing and that's the way good families are

I disagree.

I expect there are "good supportive" and "not so good unsupportive" families on both sides of this.

Cornflakesncake · 15/10/2019 17:31

@OkayGo that's awful and not what you needed. Exactly, it's nice when somebody does visit and actually asks how Mum is and what she needs. We didn't have one person show up with a meal or nappies/helpful supplies or anything even though MIL proclaimed they has just done a huge Costco shop and assumed we had everything; they even went on about what they were having for dinner that night! Me and dh could barely function having had a baby poorly at birth and then had to make them cups of tea, never again, wont be that soft again!

Cornflakesncake · 15/10/2019 17:34

Completely agree @PrayingandHoping I know the ones that had to visit right away in my experience were the most unhelpful and unsupportive. It works both ways exactly.