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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want visitors?

281 replies

AnnetteJones · 14/10/2019 19:58

Gave birth to a little girl last Friday. We are happy and healthy, DP is being a saviour. I’m still sore from the delivery so have informed friends & fam but don’t really want them to see us yet.

Had a snarky comment from lady in the next bed who has had a few visitors and said that she is just glad people care enough to come/are excited about her new arrival

Parents & siblings do seem a bit hurt that I have not given them a date to visit but of course they will meet her eventually!

Aibu?!

OP posts:
mytinyfiredancers · 15/10/2019 12:03

We managed perfectly fine with a toddler, newborn and me just having has a CS for a few days with no visitors. Yes you can't just nap at will like you can with PFB when there is an older child to consider but you can share the load with your partner and take turns to rest which is a ton easier if you aren't having to host people!

And our families didn't play any tit for tat shit with is, because they understood and aren't arseholes.

The sniffy attitude of 'its not all about you' applied to brand new mothers/families astonishes me. Actually, for that short immediately post partum time it is all about you, your baby and your own little family unit.

Juliettewhiskey1990 · 15/10/2019 12:03

@saraclara you have a very lovely and respectful family. The issues occur when family and friends dont behave as yours have, they sound wonderful.

Cornflakesncake · 15/10/2019 12:11

@formerbabe firstly I never commented on the size of your family. I'm sorry for your loss but surely that should expand your thinking and compassion for others and their varying situations and not narrow it.

You allude to excited relatives wanting to see baby as being relatives that also care and that is the problem with alot of your statements. How do you know that to be the case for everybody?
My Inlaws for instance didn't bother with our family for yeara and treated dh appalllingly throughout his life yet expected to come over the minute baby came out and felt it wad their God given right to do so. The reason for this was mil wanted to gloat and pass bitchy ignorant comments while also getting her obligatory photo with baby to put on the pretence to her friends that she is a devoted parent/grandparent when she had no intention of actually being a grandparent the rest of the time let a lone a Mother to her son.

Cornflakesncake · 15/10/2019 12:11

was**

Cornflakesncake · 15/10/2019 12:13

'The sniffy attitude of 'its not all about you' applied to brand new mothers/families astonishes me. Actually, for that short immediately post partum time itisall about you, your baby and your own little family unit.'

This ^

thenightfury · 15/10/2019 12:21

I had my mum, dad and 5 younger siblings 7-18 in to visit the next day after I had my DS, I was made up and desperate to see my family but we are very close! midwife was shocked and came in beforehand to check I actually wanted visitors, so probably not uncommon to not want visitors either!

saraclara · 15/10/2019 12:25

I do recognise that other people's families and friends might not be as considerate. But still, it's possible for the new parents to grow some balls without totally banning any visits from their parents and siblings.

Just make it clear from the outset, that with no exceptions, visits will need to be arranged in advance and will be for a max of an hour (for example). If anyone argues, just repeat and repeat.

JustDanceAddict · 15/10/2019 12:27

I had fam & friends come the next day. Didn’t really want anyone the first night but after that was fine. Have some lovely photos of dd & ds with friends and fam in hosp.,

Cornflakesncake · 15/10/2019 12:33

'I do recognise that other people's families and friends might not be as considerate. But still, it's possible for the new parents to grow some balls without totally banning any visits from their parents and siblings.'

HmmConfused

ThatMuppetShow · 15/10/2019 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ThatMuppetShow · 15/10/2019 12:33

*piece of work , would make more sense.

ThatMuppetShow · 15/10/2019 12:36

Just make it clear from the outset, that with no exceptions, visits will need to be arranged in advance and will be for a max of an hour
how is that helping?

Some women DO NOT WANT VISITORS, are in no state to receive them or just want to stay in their little bubble with their baby.

You don't arrange a routine in advance with a newborn anyway, so it's ridiculous.

How fucking hard is it to respect new mothers and stop considering as second class citizen, and let them CHOOSE! Funny how all the talks about empowering women, equality and so on suddenly stop when a woman has a child!

mytinyfiredancers · 15/10/2019 12:39

So true @ThatMuppetShow. All the talk of empowering women to be strong and make their own choices stops the moment they give birth. New mothers are public property it seems. Because once that baby is out - or often as soon as it's starts coming for some - then we must bow down to the wishes of the masses, or otherwise be labelled selfish and controlling.

Want visitors? Fab, go for it more power to you. Don't want visitors? Well that should be fine too, but sadly as most of the posts on here show, it isn't.

Cornflakesncake · 15/10/2019 12:43

'How fucking hard is it to respect new mothers and stop considering as second class citizen, and let them CHOOSE! Funny how all the talks about empowering women, equality and so on suddenly stop when a woman has a child!'

Exactly this ^

Judgement is bad enough in pregnancy with people commenting on anything from weight gain to bump size let alone when you've just given birth. Some of the attitudes on this thread are archaic and people pleasing everybody but the mother of the baby whose feelings should matter the most at this time.

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 15/10/2019 12:57

@Juliettewhiskey1990
It was hand written - good on them!

@formerbabe
😂😂 I think we can all agree that tolerance to sleep deprivation and the ability to function as a parent is built over time. By the time you’re on your 4th/5th child it’s gonna be a VERY different experience to the nervous exhaustion first time parents (totally unused to it and generally unprepared feel)!

Interestedwoman · 15/10/2019 13:04

YANBU as such- if you don't feel up to visitors, you don't feel up to visitors. If they're a bit disappointed/eager to see the baby, that's the way it goes but they need to respect what you need having just given birth after a tough pregnancy.

They'll get to see the baby in due course. xx

CloudPop · 15/10/2019 13:21

I'm with you @ThatMuppetShow

If you want you family around, great. If you want some space, your call. There seems to be a school of thought that grandparents are owed their grandchild - and if they don't see the child within hours of birth, they will so so hurt that they will never bond with the child and probably never have a meaningful relationship ?!

Really?

Whattodoabout · 15/10/2019 13:23

YANBU. The hospital stay is your time to recover, I don’t believe anyone who the woman is uncomfortable seeing should be invited in. People lose sight of everything the woman has gone through and everything becomes about the cute tiny baby. The Mother’s wishes should be respected.

Pardonwhat · 15/10/2019 14:53

ThatMuppetShow

“WTF?! How entitled and self-centred to think you have any kind of right to bother someone who has just given birth?

Maybe a bit of respect for the new mother would be nice?

Forgive? really? Some posters are unbelievable.”

Giving birth isn’t an illness. Unless there’s a massive drip feed then it sounds to be like the OP has just done the most wonderful and natural thing in the world.

And yes, as her close family I would struggle to forgive being pushed away in the days that they won’t even get back. A quick hug of the newborn baby that they’ll be expected to love forever wouldn’t be harmful.

I don’t see how family being excited to meet and celebrate the new life is disrespectful Hmm.

ThatMuppetShow · 15/10/2019 15:09

Giving birth isn’t an illness. Unless there’s a massive drip feed then it sounds to be like the OP has just done the most wonderful and natural thing in the world. Hmm

and do you know the "natural" maternal death rate out of curiosity?

You are being very disrespectful because you insist on completely ignoring the MOTHER, you know the one who actually give birth. You will have your hug soon enough. The newborn doesn't give a monkey about you, he's just recovering too.

I would struggle to forgive being pushed away in the days that they won’t even get back
get what back? What do you think you are missing exactly? It's not remotely about YOU, unless you've been booked as a wet nurse, you are truly not needed unless the mother tells you to come.

I bet it's only because you feel embarrassed to tell Doris from next door that someone had a baby and you were not the centre of the world and immediately call to attend.

It's high time we stop with that crap about mothers not mattering one bit, women have a right to decide even after they give birth!.

Even the Queen of England is happy to wait to meet her great-grand children...

orangejuicer · 15/10/2019 15:14

Gave birth on the Wednesday (CS). Dad and sister visited following day in hospital.
I couldn't have coped with anyone else (DM no longer with us or she'd have been with us at birth). Rest of close family visited the weekend after. Do what works for you!

Pardonwhat · 15/10/2019 15:15

ThatMuppetShow

I know lots of statistics but I’d have to check one of my notebooks for that. I spent years studying these things for a degree.

In real life if I knew someone who shut themselves away from family after birth I’d be worried about PND. Unless the relationships are natural pretty formal or difficult.

OP asked if they were being unreasonable. In my opinion, putting myself in the excited families shows, she is.

I’m not sure why you’re taking such exception to me putting a different opinion to yourself. I might be ‘wrong’ and I might be ‘right’ but I wasn’t asking that. I gave my opinion - just like you - at the request of the OP.

ThatMuppetShow · 15/10/2019 15:21

I’m not sure why you’re taking such exception to me putting a different opinion to yourself

Because I find it shocking that the wishes of a woman can be so easily dismissed and her needs waved away.

I am not saying you should or shouldn't have visitors, I am saying you should have the CHOICE. How can anyone argue about that is entirely beyond me.

If you didn't want visitors after surgery, after having your teeth pulled out, after an emotional event, wouldn't people respect that? Of course they would. There's no difference.

I'd be a lot more worried about PND for a woman who is not feeling supported, acknowledged and left to rest in peace if she wished to do so. It should never be about the in-laws, the cousins and the neighbours, it should be about her and the baby.

Pardonwhat · 15/10/2019 15:23

ThatMuppetShow

You see, I see her family wanting to be there as supportive.
Of course the OP has the choice. There’s no disputing that.

ThatMuppetShow · 15/10/2019 15:34

I do love the fact that one of my posts has been deleted, when I was just repeating that a woman has the CHOICE and anyone ignore her as full individual is selfish and inconsiderate

or words around that idea.

On a parenting forum? Nice one. Mothers clearly don't count, it's shameful.

And this is probably going to be deleted too!