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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend Christmas with my family even though it’s PILs “turn”?

173 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 14/10/2019 07:53

I’m currently just shy of 39 weeks pregnant and DH and I have been living with my PILs since the end of August (have had a few threads on it if anyone fancies reading about the whole sorry tale). DH and I are buying a new place but barring a miracle we will still be here when baby arrives and could well still be here at Christmas.

We started spending Christmas together from 2016 onwards and this year are due to spend it with PILs. However, my Aunt & Uncle have invited us to spend Christmas at theirs (my DM will be going there as well), and I’d really like to for a few reasons-

  • We’ve been living at PILs for nearly two months now, I am already losing my mind and battling hard every day not to slip into depression for the first time in a few years, and the baby isn’t even here yet. I dare say by Christmas I/we could really do with the change of scenery. And if we have moved out by then, God knows I won’t be in a hurry to come back!
  • I rarely get to see my Aunt & Uncle and my cousins- in fact I haven’t seen them since Boxing Day last year, when we went and stayed for one night, one of my cousins had already gone back home so I didn’t see her at all, and DH had to leave first thing the next day for work. I’d like to be able to spend a decent amount of time with them, and also give them a chance to get to know the baby. We see rather a lot of PILs on the other hand, what with living with them and all... (have I mentioned that?)
  • It would mean a huge deal to my DM, who is understandably upset that PILs are going to have so much time with baby when he arrives and she and the rest of my family will miss out on that.
  • Aunt & Uncle have a bloody massive house in the countryside where DH and I will be able to get a bit of breathing space. There will be other family there of course but the house is so huge it’s easy to get some privacy if we need it. It’s pretty difficult to get any peace and quiet at PILs house now and there’s only 4 of us here, at Christmas they will also be hosting BIL and his gf and DH’s Grandad as well as us and baby so it’s going to be pretty crowded.

However, DH does want to spend Christmas here, and doesn’t think it should even be up for discussion because it’s PILs turn. I know we could just go up to my family on Boxing Day but there’s a good chance that will mean we don’t see one or both of my cousins as they both tend to go back to their own homes pretty sharpish, and I want to spend a few days with the whole family. Apart from anything else I’m not thrilled about this concept of it being anyone’s turn, as it implies that we’re beholden to yo-yoing between our relatives every year and what I’d really love is to spend Christmas in our own home, just us and our baby. Since that is clearly unlikely to happen this year, is it so wrong of me to want to spend it with my family when we’ll have spent so much, if not all of the preceding four months with his?

OP posts:
DriftingLeaves · 14/10/2019 08:00

It is PiL's turn and it's where your DH wants to be. If he wanted to be at your aunt's it would be different. But he doesn't. He wants to be with his parents. The agreement should stand.

Travel to aunt's on Boxing Day and have a second Christmas.

SprogletsMum · 14/10/2019 08:02

I think the turn thing doesn't really count this year because you are living with PILs.

NoSauce · 14/10/2019 08:04

Sorry I don’t think it’s fair to move the goal posts just because it suits you this time.

AuntieStella · 14/10/2019 08:08

I think going on Boxing Day would be the right thing.

There is plenty of time to warn your cousins onthey stay on.

Issues about PILs seeing more of future newborn are entirely separate and shouldn't be muddlein with this. Start looking for a solution to that one - can you arrange more/longer visits?

eggsandwich · 14/10/2019 08:10

I second that as you are currently living with Pil that it changes things, when does your family get their turn with spending as much time with you and the new baby as his family have?

Redred2429 · 14/10/2019 08:11

I think you are being very unfair to your dh it's his year to spend Christmas with his parents

SmileCheese · 14/10/2019 08:11

As hard as it sounds surely the mere fact that your lovely PIL's have been allowing you to generously live with them for 2 months and for at least the next 2-3 months means the very least they deserve is to spend Christmas day with you. If anything I would be hosting it in their house as a very small thank you for being so hospitable.

Once baby is here and you are in your new home then absolutely tackle the whole turn taking issue and have Christmas as a small unit of 3 if that's what you both want.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 14/10/2019 08:11

I think it's absurd to have the "their turn" thing set in stone anyway. There are a whole number of reasons people might want to swap - or even abandon - it one year. I am very close to my family but don't alwats see theme at Xmas itself.

You're living with PILs so no reason at all why you have to spend xmas there this year.

DingDongDenny · 14/10/2019 08:12

When I read the title I though it was going to be YABU, but since you are staying with PILs you should definitely get to spend Christmas with your family

Does your DH know how claustrophobic and stressed you are at the moment? He needs to put your mental wellbeing first and if the break will help then he shouldn't be so selfish

drspouse · 14/10/2019 08:14

I too think the "turns" thing is rubbish as my DM has never invited us to spend Christmas with her, and only ever my DB and his family.

Have you explained how unhappy you are in general to your DH?

Dieu · 14/10/2019 08:16

Umm, you do know that they're doing you a favour, because it certainly doesn't sound that way from your post? Confused
And you mention that your mother is upset that the in-laws will be spending so much time with the baby. Well, it was your choice to move in with them, so that's hardly their fault!

leafyskyline · 14/10/2019 08:17

I think living with your PIL changes things massively. Entirely ignoring the concept of 'turns', if your post just described the living situation in their house at Christmas this thread would be full of people saying "YANBU".

You will have a very very young baby. Staying with your in laws in a crammed house at a busy time of year when your mental health is faltering is a terrible idea.

Do whatever is best for you and the baby in this situation. Quite frankly your DH should be more than happy to go along with it this year.

Quartz2208 · 14/10/2019 08:18

Your dh needs to realise that living with them changes things and this is a chance for you to see your family after spending so much time with his

Beesandcheese · 14/10/2019 08:18

I think you need to tackle the important thing about why you are feeling so low. Is it the living situation? Could you actually put a vote in for an air bnb just you, dh and baby this year? The beauty of a small baby at Christmas is you can do nothing and they'll be happy.

HugoSpritz · 14/10/2019 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChoccieEClaire · 14/10/2019 08:23

Is there a reason why you can't meet up with your cousins at any other time of the year?
Although I understand that it's claustrophobic living with the PILs I think you need to appreciate that they are helping you out massively by letting you stay, they can't help it if their house is cramped with you there - it's not a hotel and you do sound a little ungrateful (I don't know the backstory though).
You can't say to them that although they've been good enough to let you stay for months that you've changed your mind about spending Christmas with them, that's incredibly rude and hurtful.

waterrat · 14/10/2019 08:26

God Op do what you want. You deserve a break from them.

Grumpymcgrumperson · 14/10/2019 08:27

I get where you’re coming from but I think YABU. It’s PILs turn and it’s not fair to just suddenly change the whole system because you fancy it. I also think that your reasoning is quite unfair to PIL - they’re doing you a huge favor by letting you stay with them. They’re probably just as sick of the situation as you are! Christmas would be a really nice day for everyone to relax and celebrate together. Going to your aunts would be very rude and ungrateful imo - like saying ‘thanks for helping us out when we needed it but I’m sick of the sight of you so won’t be seeing you over Xmas.’ The only way I think it would be in any way acceptable is if your PIL are invited too, and accept the invitation.

Original poster
AngeloMysterioso · 14/10/2019 08:28

I’ll admit I have been trying to keep a lid on how I’m feeling because I didn’t want to make DH feel worse about the situation than he already he does, but I kind of fell apart yesterday. I know he’s trying to get the house buying transaction moving as quickly as he can (it helps that we and the vendor are both chain free) but there’s only so much he can do.

I am extremely grateful to my PILs for everything they are doing for us and do my best to demonstrate this at every opportunity- I cook for all of us regularly, I clean as much as I can, during the day I go out or keep myself contained to the bedroom as much as I’m able so they still feel like they have the house to themselves. Unfortunately the fact of their generosity doesn’t negate the impact that all this is having on my mental health.

OP posts:
yearinyearout · 14/10/2019 08:29

I don't think usual rules apply this year. Also, have you and your dp considered that your PIL might actually love a bit of space after having you living there for months? They probably wouldn't say so but I bet they'd love their house back to themselves for a couple of days!

LakieLady · 14/10/2019 08:30

What sort of distance is it between PIL's and your aunt & uncle's, OP? I'm wondering if it would be feasible to do gifts etc with PILs and then set off to see your family and get there in time for lunch, or lunch with PILs and head to aunt's for tea and spend Boxing Day/night with them. (And driving on Christmas Day can be bliss, there's no bugger about).

But yeah, it will be the cousins' only chance to meet the baby while he/she is still a baby, I'd put my foot down.

I'd also kick the whole "taking turns" thing into touch, too. You might want to spend a Christmas at home, just the three of you, so you can stay in your pyjamas all day and eat your own bodyweight in Quality Street. (Or is that just me? Grin)

fmpc · 14/10/2019 08:30

Tbh you sound very ungrateful to your PIL for putting you up for so long and I'd feel very hurt if I were them. Only of use when you need them but dumped for the good bits

AloeVeraLynn · 14/10/2019 08:31

remember the other threads accurately your DH has got his own way in every aspect of things recently. I'd be going and if he didn't want to come too then he could crack on with his parents.
When are you going to actually stand up for something you want?
You didn't want to move in there anyway.

SellmeyourMLMcrap · 14/10/2019 08:37

OP, you have a new baby on the way that you've grown and carried for 9 months, for me your decision at Christmas should be taken as gospel regardless of what has previously been agreed. I think if you want to go then he should support you, even more so because you spend every other day with his (very kind) parents. He's your husband and the babies father, quite why he is arguing with you at 39 weeks pregnant is beyond me.

I also can't understand why the property purchase wouldn't complete within 2 months if neither of you is involved in a chain? Just what is it that is holding up the purchase here? It should be really simple, there is only the bank and solicitors to satisfy and if it is taking months and months somebody is not doing their job properly.

woodymiller · 14/10/2019 08:37

I hate all this taking turns thing. You're all family but you're individuals as well, life isn't a board game where play always moves in a clockwork direction for heaven's sake. If that was the case you'd be doing month about or week about at your DP instead of this long period at your ILs. You've only had 3 Christmasses with this turn taking, by next year you could be in your own home with a one year old and that's the point a lot of families start to want to stay in their own homes, for Santa coming, not taking children away from new toys, to minimise stress.
Do what works for you. Avoid making a firm commitment just now if it buys you time "I'll see how I feel after baby is here and my hormones have settled down".
We stayed with my DP between house moves and ended up spending Easter at Centerparcs for the sake of our sanity so I totally get why a change of scene could be very welcome by Christmas.