To want to spend Christmas with my family even though it’s PILs “turn”?

[AngeloMysterioso]

I’m currently just shy of 39 weeks pregnant and DH and I have been living with my PILs since the end of August (have had a few threads on it if anyone fancies reading about the whole sorry tale). DH and I are buying a new place but barring a miracle we will still be here when baby arrives and could well still be here at Christmas.

We started spending Christmas together from 2016 onwards and this year are due to spend it with PILs. However, my Aunt & Uncle have invited us to spend Christmas at theirs (my DM will be going there as well), and I’d really like to for a few reasons-

• We’ve been living at PILs for nearly two months now, I am already losing my mind and battling hard every day not to slip into depression for the first time in a few years, and the baby isn’t even here yet. I dare say by Christmas I/we could really do with the change of scenery. And if we have moved out by then, God knows I won’t be in a hurry to come back!
• I rarely get to see my Aunt & Uncle and my cousins- in fact I haven’t seen them since Boxing Day last year, when we went and stayed for one night, one of my cousins had already gone back home so I didn’t see her at all, and DH had to leave first thing the next day for work. I’d like to be able to spend a decent amount of time with them, and also give them a chance to get to know the baby. We see rather a lot of PILs on the other hand, what with living with them and all... (have I mentioned that?)
• It would mean a huge deal to my DM, who is understandably upset that PILs are going to have so much time with baby when he arrives and she and the rest of my family will miss out on that.
• Aunt & Uncle have a bloody massive house in the countryside where DH and I will be able to get a bit of breathing space. There will be other family there of course but the house is so huge it’s easy to get some privacy if we need it. It’s pretty difficult to get any peace and quiet at PILs house now and there’s only 4 of us here, at Christmas they will also be hosting BIL and his gf and DH’s Grandad as well as us and baby so it’s going to be pretty crowded.

However, DH does want to spend Christmas here, and doesn’t think it should even be up for discussion because it’s PILs turn. I know we could just go up to my family on Boxing Day but there’s a good chance that will mean we don’t see one or both of my cousins as they both tend to go back to their own homes pretty sharpish, and I want to spend a few days with the whole family. Apart from anything else I’m not thrilled about this concept of it being anyone’s turn, as it implies that we’re beholden to yo-yoing between our relatives every year and what I’d really love is to spend Christmas in our own home, just us and our baby. Since that is clearly unlikely to happen this year, is it so wrong of me to want to spend it with my family when we’ll have spent so much, if not all of the preceding four months with his?

I think Christmas at your Aunts sounds like the sensible choice. And yes, knock the ‘turns’ thing on the head.

It is PiL's turn and it's where your DH wants to be. If he wanted to be at your aunt's it would be different. But he doesn't. He wants to be with his parents. The agreement should stand.

Sod that! Do not get into a situation where expectations from in laws/parents are set in stone. It's ridiculous. You can go where you want. You can go to your family and Dh can stay with his if family if he wants. You are not glued at the hip. Next year stay in your own house and do your own thing as otherwise your head will be melted in the coming years trying to please everyone else.

I would say it's fair to swap the 'turns' around this year, since you are living with the in laws. Next year will be their turn, which will be much more fun for everyone anyway, with the baby to play with.

I would say to your DH that you still agree that it's fair for you to alternate Christmasses, but that you would like to swap turns just for this year.

If you have already agreed Christmas arrangements then you should stick to them. you should try to arrange something with your family either before or after "the Day". They have given you a home (albeit a tight fit), when you needed one. don't treat them as 2nd class they are your DH family and your DC.

Yep, YABU, though I do sympathise.

This is exactly why you don’t fall in to the pattern of ‘taking turns’ unless you’re fully prepared to spend every Christmas for the rest of your life in this setup.

If I were you I’d ask DH how he would feel about spending Christmas just the three of you either in your new home or renting a cottage or AirB and B somewhere if you could afford it. After all, having the baby is a perfect way to break the taking turns cycle.

However, if finances don’t allow or you aren’t moved in to your new house by then I really think you ought to spend it with PILs, partly because it is their turn and at some point you agreed to this setup. And partly because you are living with PILs and although I haven’t read your other threads, I do think it’s rude to live with them for money ha on end but not deem them good enough to spend Christmas with.

I can see why you’re disappointed OP, and I can understand that your DM would like to spend more time with the baby when he arrives. Clearly she is already feeling jealous about how much time PILS will have with the mutual GC but I would be very reluctant to use that as an argument with DH if you do try to persuade him to spend Christmas with your family - take it from someone whose MIL keeps a tally of how many times per year she sees the GC ; you don’t want to fuel the grand parenting one upmanship which it seems is at risk of coming in to play here.

I think this is a situation where there isn't a definitive YABU or YANBU response. I can see both your point of view and DH's.

So I think the way forward is to keep discussing it with DH and consider various options to see if some compromise can be found that everyone is happy with. Maybe Xmas day at your PILs, followed by several days with your parents so they get extra time with the baby?

"As you are living with your PIL you are going to be able to find the time to celebrate with them too! It’s ridiculous that the ‘BUT ITS THEIR TURN’ argument trumps all other arguments."

But I don't think it's just a case of "it's their turn" I think it's more a case of "you agreed this with your husband and unilaterally want to change."

I'm on the opposite side to a lot of people here in that I see the fact that op is living with the pils as more of a reason to honour the arrangements they agreed to. I can only imagine it being an absolute kick in the teeth to say "yeah your house is fine for the working week when we need a roof over our heads because we don't have a place of our own, but come the special occasions we'll go with what we consider to be a better offer of time with my family."

Then you have the fact that the dh not unreasonably wants to spend time with his family this year. So it's not just the pils saying "it's our turn" it's the dh also saying "I stuck to the agreement when it meant spending Christmas away from my family and I don't think it's reasonable for you to decide the agreement doesn't matter now when it comes time for you to spend Christmas with my family."

If they started the agreement in 2016 that means that the op is now looking for 3 out of 4 shared Christmases to be spent with her family.
I don't think it's fair to the husband to say "well we're not joined at the hip and the agreement no longer works for me (,it did when it meant spending 2/3 Christmases with my family but it doesn't now) so I'll go to my family and you can either come or spend it with your family, no hard feelings either way"
Because that would also mean the DH having to make a decision to be held to randsom or else miss good child's first Christmas.

I think turns should stop when a baby comes. My dc would hate being away Xmas day.

Could you not speak to your mil - poor dm, sad she isn't getting to spend much time with baby, obviously since you see her everyday mil you are going to be so close to lo etc - so I think should spend Christmas there.

I'm sure husband can cope without spending the day with them just for this one year? He lives with his parents, he's had loads of time with them and I think YANBU.

The whole 'turn' thing is bollocks anyway. You need to do what works best for you and your family.

Why doesn't he want to go? I think he's being selfish.

Does your DH not get to see his brother very often? Because if that's the case I can understand why he'd want to spend Christmas at his parents so much, otherwise I think he's being pretty selfish to be honest, especially with you feeling so down at the moment. Have you actually sat him down and explained how bad you do feel though? If not I strongly advise you do so.

No brainer hi to your family you are seeing the in laws day in day out. Wouldn’t occur to me as an issue gives them a break too can’t be easy having additional adults in their house so win win

OP, you've really got to start standing up for yourself, or you and your Mental health, will be totally crushed once the baby is here.

Your DH decides what he wants to do, dismisses everything you say, but listens to his Mother.

Make this occasion, the time when you remind them that you are also a person who needs looking after.

You live with the PILs (on the insistance of your DH) so seeing them on Christmas Day isn't going to be anymore special.

Your living situation is having an effect on your mental health, tell your DH this. You need a break. You want contact with your own family. You need to ne somewhere else for a while.

Go to your family, with or without him.

I feel the arrangement of alternating doesn't count this year because of you living with your PIL.

You've spent such a lot of time with them and, if you are still there at Christmas, your PIL will have spent at least two months with your new baby. No, I would tell DH that, because of that, you wouldn't also be spending Christmas with PIL.

If you get on well with ILS couldn't you tell them how you honestly feel? They would have to be very unreasonable if they didn't understand your motivation. They might even welcome a break after you've been there with baby for a while.

I was also just wondering, as your aunt and uncle have a big house, whether there is any chance of you staying with them instead until your house goes through? That way you would get to see them, your cousins and your parents more and perhaps you'd feel better about spending Christmas with your ILs.

I think turns are a bit crap (though I’m stuck in the same hell), but for this year I’d follow through.

Next year, stay home. Host who you want for dinner.

I do understand your feelings though

I don’t believe in this turn malarkey. Things happen during the year tha5 May change what you do. Next year you may want to spend it 9n your own as a new family, who knows.

Pil already see you a lot, your family don’t. Therefore I would be going to them. If your dh is unhappy about that then leave him at his parents and go on your own. I would

"I don’t believe in this turn malarkey. "

That's all well and good, but I do think an issue arises when someone does believe in the turns malarkey when it's their turn but also thinks it's up for debate when it's not.

Your baby is going to be 2 months old. They will only be interested in milk. Next year, when it's your parents turn, s/he is going to be far more excited about the whole present and being around grandparents thing.

Having said that, it might be a good idea to think about stopping turns or adding in your "own" turn now.

I don't see what's wrong with taking turns. It's what we do - and I think it is generally the fairest way for everyone concerned.

Bucatini but it’s not “fair” whatsoever if the people involved in shuttling between the ‘turns’ never get to have the Christmas they want.

My own family dynamic is stressful and PILs aren’t much fun either. We did the ‘fair’ thing for a few years until we realised our Christmases were always stressful and never about our kids!

Life is too short. From this year we are doing our own thing, totally focused on our own children and creating new traditions. I’m sure the others are put out, but why should we never have a Christmas we enjoy, to make everyone else happy?

I don't see what's wrong with taking turns. It's what we do - and I think it is generally the fairest way for everyone concerned

For me it’s because I got tired of being a fighting item for my parents divorce (even an adult). I was less person, and more item to share fairly.

Then I got married and had to share myself three ways.

Then I had kids and there were more pressures to share

I’m not a fucking timeshare. I’m a person.

That said, I think OP is in a crap situation and needs to not live with inlaws. But it’s unfair to move goalposts on her husband

If we break “turns”, it will have to come on my families year, not my inlaws.

If my husband wants to change things, it will start on his parents year. I refuse to be even more of a bad guy for my “poor sharing skills”

I don't see what's wrong with taking turns.

This thread (and the many others we see on here every year) is the exact reason why locking yourself into a pattern doesn't always work. Other things inevitably crop up.

Sorry I don’t think it’s fair to move the goal posts just because it suits you this time

Eh??? That's exactly why OP should 'move the goal posts'.

I don't understand all this Christmas carry on... adults are telling other adults what they're going to do and where they should be and peop bowing down to the pressure. Why on earth should people not get to do what they want to do?

For us , it's set in stone , just so everyone can plan . That said , we put no pressure on any DC to come to us , it's more like raising a flag to say Christmas this way ( we take turns on who hosts ) ... that said DC put pressure on each other to attend , as they are quite scattered and it's a sort of touch stone .