To want to spend Christmas with my family even though it’s PILs “turn”?

[AngeloMysterioso]

I’m currently just shy of 39 weeks pregnant and DH and I have been living with my PILs since the end of August (have had a few threads on it if anyone fancies reading about the whole sorry tale). DH and I are buying a new place but barring a miracle we will still be here when baby arrives and could well still be here at Christmas.

We started spending Christmas together from 2016 onwards and this year are due to spend it with PILs. However, my Aunt & Uncle have invited us to spend Christmas at theirs (my DM will be going there as well), and I’d really like to for a few reasons-

• We’ve been living at PILs for nearly two months now, I am already losing my mind and battling hard every day not to slip into depression for the first time in a few years, and the baby isn’t even here yet. I dare say by Christmas I/we could really do with the change of scenery. And if we have moved out by then, God knows I won’t be in a hurry to come back!
• I rarely get to see my Aunt & Uncle and my cousins- in fact I haven’t seen them since Boxing Day last year, when we went and stayed for one night, one of my cousins had already gone back home so I didn’t see her at all, and DH had to leave first thing the next day for work. I’d like to be able to spend a decent amount of time with them, and also give them a chance to get to know the baby. We see rather a lot of PILs on the other hand, what with living with them and all... (have I mentioned that?)
• It would mean a huge deal to my DM, who is understandably upset that PILs are going to have so much time with baby when he arrives and she and the rest of my family will miss out on that.
• Aunt & Uncle have a bloody massive house in the countryside where DH and I will be able to get a bit of breathing space. There will be other family there of course but the house is so huge it’s easy to get some privacy if we need it. It’s pretty difficult to get any peace and quiet at PILs house now and there’s only 4 of us here, at Christmas they will also be hosting BIL and his gf and DH’s Grandad as well as us and baby so it’s going to be pretty crowded.

However, DH does want to spend Christmas here, and doesn’t think it should even be up for discussion because it’s PILs turn. I know we could just go up to my family on Boxing Day but there’s a good chance that will mean we don’t see one or both of my cousins as they both tend to go back to their own homes pretty sharpish, and I want to spend a few days with the whole family. Apart from anything else I’m not thrilled about this concept of it being anyone’s turn, as it implies that we’re beholden to yo-yoing between our relatives every year and what I’d really love is to spend Christmas in our own home, just us and our baby. Since that is clearly unlikely to happen this year, is it so wrong of me to want to spend it with my family when we’ll have spent so much, if not all of the preceding four months with his?

The taking turns thing is pants - I made it clear from the start I wasn't doing that. We've been to both sides, had both over and spent some on our own.

My brother takes turns and I think it's depressing he knows where he's going to be at Xmas for the next 20 years.

Tell DH you're stopping the turns thing and will take it year by year. And since you're living with pils I really don't see the harm in spending time with family you rarely see. Pils aren't going to be missing out!

Loving the “October too late to change plans” poster hilarious assuming that is Kate Middleton posting

Rainonmyguitar give it a rest, eh? People can think differently than you and not be wrong

They sure can. It's just strange that the 2 people on this thread who are snapping at my arse have the exact same writing style .

You’re shocked that two people have a different opinion to you?
All I’m doing is expressing my opinion which happens to be different to yours. Hardly ‘snapping at your arse’ are you always so opposed to having your opinions challenged?
Perhaps that’s why your DH so happily and quietly goes along with spending Christmas apart from you...

You’re happy enough to live there when it suits you but won’t let your husband spend Christmas with his family? How incredibly selfish. Go to your family on Boxing Day, ask the cousins to stay on til you get there, if they don’t then they’re clearly not bothered about seeing you and baby. Next year stay at home... your own home.

You sound very ungrateful to your PIL if your mother is so amazing then why doesn’t she put all three of you up then she can see the baby all the time.

You’re happy enough to live there when it suits you but won’t let your husband spend Christmas with his family? How incredibly selfish.

Um. did you miss the part that she didn’t want to live there in the first place and wanted to rent but her husband wanted to stay with his parents.

You’re getting a very hard time OP.

I can’t believe this amount of angst over one day.

i agree that the the whole turns thing istn the way to go.

We've had xmas's at MIL's, we've had FIL here, my sister and family here, MIL and sIL here, on our own, once we even went to a friends family for xmas lunch.
point is we get to decide each year what we feel like doing and depending on what other people are doing we mutally decide whats going to happen. last year i had started working almost full time and DS1 had stared secondary so just wanted a week of just us eating and watching films and plaing board games so that is what we did.

To those assuming the cousins can be asked to stay on, presumably they too have a set of other relatives they need to please, and can not necessarily hang about.

To reiterate what I’ve said across my posts;
-I hate the turn taking setup, but that is what OP has agreed to so I think it’s unfair to completely cancel on the PIL.
-Either find a way to spend the day just the three of you or split it between the families. To cancel on PIL entirely in favour of your own family is unkind given that PIL have put you up.
-in the new year discuss putting an end to turn taking but yes I do think October is too late to cancel entirely since there has been an agreement since 2016 that this is how you would spend Christmas. (Again, this is why I hate the turn taking setup).
-In a healthy marriage flouncing off with the baby because you didn’t get your own way is not acceptable behaviour. If OP and her DH agree to spend the day like this fine, but to make threats and behave like that will just breed resentment.

• I don’t know the backstory here but by the sounds of it there are bigger problems than Christmas Day. Even if you get the Christmas Day you want perhaps all you are doin is putting a plaster on bigger problems that still need to be addressed.

Before I get accused of not knowing what it’s like to not get on with PIL let me say I have a very strained relationship with my own and have been to counselling to help me work through my anxiety caused by them. My DH can see I am trying my best with them and can see them for who they truly are so together we muddle through this. So yes, I do get it but sometimes on here it seems like posters see ‘PIL’ or ‘MIL’ in a thread title and feel that they can respond without actually reading the thread.

Anyway, I doubt any of this is helpful to OP anymore who could very well be in labour as we speak.

So OP, good luck whatever you decide and truly I hope you and your DH are able to work through whatever issues you have, but I would think very carefully about behaving in the same way as others are implying your DH and PILS are. It’s not healthy, it’s not fair and it’s not right.

I think the crux of it is your husband. Can he not see that some time away from this claustrophobic environment would suit you all better. I think he is being very selfish.

Your in laws will still have family staying. I agree with others that they may be pleased to have a break from you.

Sorry I haven’t replied, yesterday ended up being quite busy.

My cousins both have to pre-arrange their annual leave ages in advance so it’s not as simple as asking them to stay a few days longer for my sake. They also live very far away so I can’t just arrange to meet them some other time. BIL doesn’t live nearby but he and his gf come up to visit fairly regularly- we last saw them last month- and I’m fairly sure they’re planning on coming up soon after the baby is born, regardless of whether I’m up for being around even more people. But I haven’t said anything about that, because it’s not my house, and I’m not about to tell my PILs when they can and can’t invite people to stay.

My Mum did offer for us to stay with her when we moved out of our flat, but it made no practical sense whatsoever for us to go there. She lives in a tiny 2 bed flat that can barely contain her own stuff, and for DH who at the time of moving still had 2 months left at work the commute would have taken twice as long and cost more than twice as much. PILs house on the other hand were a mile and a half away, so we were able to chuck most of our stuff in storage down the road and his commute takes about an extra 15 minutes on the bus.

You’re happy enough to live there when it suits you but won’t let your husband spend Christmas with his family? How incredibly selfish.

There is absolutely nothing about our current living arrangement that suits me. In agreeing to it and supporting my husband’s choices I think I’ve been many things, selfish definitely isn’t one of them.

I’m not at all ungrateful to my PILs for the kindness that they’ve shown in letting us stay with them. I spend all day every day either holed up in the bedroom or out wandering the streets so that they still have as much of the house to themselves as possible. I cook for all of us regularly and do probably more than my fair share of cleaning. None of this is particularly fun for me when it hurts to stand up for longer than a few minutes at a time and according to everybody I’m supposed to be relaxing and getting some rest. I don’t think I’ve ever been less relaxed in my life. I have a stress-triggered hair loss problem and in the last month have gone almost completely bald.

And it certainly isn’t about them not being “good enough” to spend Christmas with... it’s about acknowledging the fact that we see them every day, they’re going to get to see our baby every day for the first few months of his life, and I would like to be able to spend time with my own family, together, just for a couple of days.

Also, DH and I have never actually discussed or agreed to the whole turn taking arrangement, it’s just sort of happened that way and now it’s a thing.

Why don’t you go rent a serviced apartment and live there if staying with your ILs is such a horrible thing?

Why don’t you go rent a serviced apartment and live there if staying with your ILs is such a horrible thing?

Iirc the OP very much wanted to this, but was put under significant pressure by her OP to live with his parents instead.

Then to use the oft quoted phrase OP has a ‘DH problem not an IL problem’

God, what a minefield OP! Is your DH a bit controlling, by any chance? The insisting on living with his DPs and now not even countenancing going to your family for Christmas, when you see his family all day every day and might do for another few months, seems off to me. It's important to give and take and be flexible in a marriage. You say you had a melt down or something yesterday - what did he say and do at that time - does he acknowledge how stressful this whole situation is for you? It's hard enough being 39 weeks pregnant with an impending house move, without living with your ILs and feeling you have to make yourself scarce all the time.

I completely understand why you'd want to get away for few days over Christmas and I'm a bit baffled that this man, who is supposed to love you and care about you, isn't supporting you at such a difficult time. I realise it's hard to understand what it feels like to be pregnant when you're a man, but he could do with showing some fucking empathy! It's hard for you to talk to her DPs about Christmas and sound them out (I'm sure they would indeed love to have their house to themselves for a few days after having you there for months), but without his support you're in a very difficult position

Re: turn taking at Christmas - this is your golden opportunity to nip this in the bud. I've seen over the years what a horrible obligation this kind of thing becomes. It took me until DC1 declared that he wanted to be at home for Christmas to break the habit with my family and it's so nice to just do what he want, when we want, without any expectation. Once you're in your own home next Christmas I would tell everyone that you will not be 'taking turns' from now on. Perhaps you could start hosting Christmas at your house and invite them, to break this tedious tradition?

Why don’t you go rent a serviced apartment and live there if staying with your ILs is such a horrible thing?

Good god are we reading the same thing?
Or did you completely miss OP’s update?

There is no sense in sticking to turn taking. As a family in your own home, you will probably change the way you do things next year anyway.
This year you are with your in-laws for the whole season, decorating the tree, Christmas shopping, any meals or events in the run up will be in their home. You will also be back there for new year and any celebrations that entails.
In my opinion, it’s fine to say that there are extenuating circumstances this year so “turn taking” will not stand. You are going to your aunt’s to spend some time with your family.

Why on earth do you go out all day you have moved in so they should be showing you some consideration being this pregnant

He seems to get his way with everything, not renting, Christmas and you just seem to take it

Here I think you actually need to just say its what you want to do and see if he is prepared FOR ONCE to go along with you

OP are they making you stay in your room through something they've said or done, or is that your decision? You might be happier sitting on the couch watching daytime telly rather than wondering the streets.

wandering

Honestly I would say screw it and go to your family. why should you suffer in misery just because it's their 'turn'. You are an adult and you should do what makes you happy, not please people who are making life awful.
Besides you are having a baby, you get to do what you want in this instance. whatever makes you comfortable.

My mother died before I met my DH. Before she died, my mother would never expect my siblings and their children to be with her on Christmas Day. Sometimes they were there, other years they were at home, no big deal...whatever they decided was fine with her
I have two grown up children and I am a widow. Which means that if my children chose not to spend xmas with me, I would also be fine with it - on the outside. Because I would never want to make them feel beholden to me.

But it would hurt like fucking hell on the inside.