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Original poster

To want to spend Christmas with my family even though it’s PILs “turn”?

173 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 14/10/2019 07:53

I’m currently just shy of 39 weeks pregnant and DH and I have been living with my PILs since the end of August (have had a few threads on it if anyone fancies reading about the whole sorry tale). DH and I are buying a new place but barring a miracle we will still be here when baby arrives and could well still be here at Christmas.

We started spending Christmas together from 2016 onwards and this year are due to spend it with PILs. However, my Aunt & Uncle have invited us to spend Christmas at theirs (my DM will be going there as well), and I’d really like to for a few reasons-

  • We’ve been living at PILs for nearly two months now, I am already losing my mind and battling hard every day not to slip into depression for the first time in a few years, and the baby isn’t even here yet. I dare say by Christmas I/we could really do with the change of scenery. And if we have moved out by then, God knows I won’t be in a hurry to come back!
  • I rarely get to see my Aunt & Uncle and my cousins- in fact I haven’t seen them since Boxing Day last year, when we went and stayed for one night, one of my cousins had already gone back home so I didn’t see her at all, and DH had to leave first thing the next day for work. I’d like to be able to spend a decent amount of time with them, and also give them a chance to get to know the baby. We see rather a lot of PILs on the other hand, what with living with them and all... (have I mentioned that?)
  • It would mean a huge deal to my DM, who is understandably upset that PILs are going to have so much time with baby when he arrives and she and the rest of my family will miss out on that.
  • Aunt & Uncle have a bloody massive house in the countryside where DH and I will be able to get a bit of breathing space. There will be other family there of course but the house is so huge it’s easy to get some privacy if we need it. It’s pretty difficult to get any peace and quiet at PILs house now and there’s only 4 of us here, at Christmas they will also be hosting BIL and his gf and DH’s Grandad as well as us and baby so it’s going to be pretty crowded.

However, DH does want to spend Christmas here, and doesn’t think it should even be up for discussion because it’s PILs turn. I know we could just go up to my family on Boxing Day but there’s a good chance that will mean we don’t see one or both of my cousins as they both tend to go back to their own homes pretty sharpish, and I want to spend a few days with the whole family. Apart from anything else I’m not thrilled about this concept of it being anyone’s turn, as it implies that we’re beholden to yo-yoing between our relatives every year and what I’d really love is to spend Christmas in our own home, just us and our baby. Since that is clearly unlikely to happen this year, is it so wrong of me to want to spend it with my family when we’ll have spent so much, if not all of the preceding four months with his?

OP posts:
getoutofthatgarden202 · 14/10/2019 15:03

People thinking its shocking to spend a day away from your husband - even with your baby - its not really a big deal !

It's one day ffs

I never spend xmas with my Husband - I want to go be with my family and he wants to be with his - I don't see the point in compromising - why can't we both do what we want!

Spend a different day together over the xmas break!

It's really not worth the drama, discussion, worry!

Make a decision and move on!

Rainonmyguitar · 14/10/2019 15:23

Yes, im the ridiculous one for having an expectation that a married couple spend Christmas together

Grow up. He absolutely can spend the day with his wife, at her aunts house or he can stay at his mothers. He doesn't seem to be giving OP a choice. You sound very young tbh. You seem to expect everyone to have the same kind of relationship as you.

Rainonmyguitar · 14/10/2019 15:24

Ooppps I though my earlier message had disappeared, sorry for the similar messages.

Countryescape · 14/10/2019 15:25

All that turn taking is ridiculous! What happens when parents split up, family move, have their own families? Break the cycle now and do what you want.

LovePoppy · 14/10/2019 15:42

Tbh, you sound very immature. You would rather see the OP forced to spend a day where she doesn't want to be, in a place that's causing her distress
Yes because thinking someone should talk to her partner about what he wants is totally the same as being immature and not compromising.

LovePoppy · 14/10/2019 15:44

Oh now I’m young too? Good to know.

I don’t expect everyone to have the same relationship

But I think it’s churlish to change plans and offer ultimatums without discussion with your partner

Drabarni · 14/10/2019 15:50

He spends it with pil and you and baby spend it with your family.
Pil will already have had time with your baby.
Hurry up and move and make xmas day your own at home. We have never done anything different tbh, saves so much hasle and agro.

GoodGriefSunshine · 14/10/2019 16:23

turn taking is all very well but mental (or physical) health supersedes all and any arrangements. It's a pity your DH doesn't automatically put you, his very pregnant wife first. It is a bad precedent. Start telling him what your needs are as they are likely to be much more now you are close to giving birth and for the year after. If he is not on your side now, then when?

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 14/10/2019 16:57

I never spend xmas with my Husband - I want to go be with my family and he wants to be with his

Ah sorry I was working under the misapprehension that when DH and I said our wedding vows we became a family together. Hmm

LaurieMarlow · 14/10/2019 17:02

Ah sorry I was working under the misapprehension that when DH and I said our wedding vows we became a family together

And since when does not spending Christmas together negate that?

It's just one day. If it works for people who gives a shit whether they spend it together or apart?

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 14/10/2019 17:12

And since when does not spending Christmas together negate that?
It doesn’t negate that. I just think it’s very telling if partners refuse to compromise for each other and put their family of origin first, even on Christmas Day.
It’s fine if both partners agree on this and there’s no hard feelings, quite another if people are suggesting OP makes off with the baby on Christmas Day just so she gets her own way.
Yes her DHis equally responsible for compromising on this too, but the point is that at some point OP and her DH agreed to alternate which family to spend Christmas with so really they both need to find a way to make it work if one of them is no longer happy with this setup whilst the other is. It’s not about having things exact how they want, which is why I have suggested finding a way to spend the day just the three of them or others have suggested splitting the day.
Ultimately I think October is too late in the year to discuss changing plans when there has clearly been a past agreement to spend this year with PILS so they need to find a way to make this work for all of them this year and discuss changing things from next year onwards.

It's just one day. If it works for people who gives a shit whether they spend it together or apart?
I got the impression that the OP wanted to spend the day with her DH, that’s why advice has been to compromise.

LaurieMarlow · 14/10/2019 17:17

I just think it’s very telling if partners refuse to compromise for each other and put their family of origin first, even on Christmas Day

The problem in this case is that the OP has been doing all the compromising (wider picture) and her DH none. Spending Christmas at her aunts would clearly mean a lot to the OP and it’s about time her needs (having just given birth) came first.

It’s fine if both partners agree on this and there’s no hard feelings, quite another if people are suggesting OP makes off with the baby on Christmas Day just so she gets her own way.

Posters are suggesting she plays hard ball because nothing else is working to get through to her ‘d’ husband.

LaurieMarlow · 14/10/2019 17:20

at some point OP and her DH agreed to alternate which family to spend Christmas with so really they both need to find a way to make it work if one of them is no longer happy with this setup

The bigger point is that the OP has ended up living with her in-laws, unexpectedly and very much against her preference, when heavily pregnant and about to give birth.

Given that her husband has put pressure on her to do this rather than rent, wouldn’t changing the Christmas arrangements just this once be the right thing to do to?

justasking111 · 14/10/2019 17:37

You are a week off giving birth. There is a saying something like. "God laughs at plans" this will apply to you and DH once baby arrives. I would not be making decisions just now.

Rainonmyguitar · 14/10/2019 18:19

Oh now I’m young too? Good to know

I don’t expect everyone to have the same relationship

But I think it’s churlish to change plans and offer ultimatums without discussion with your partner

What on earth are you talking about? No-one has advised that. Of course all decisions need to be discussedConfused.

Rainonmyguitar · 14/10/2019 18:20

Ultimately I think October is too late in the year to discuss changing plans when there has clearly been a past agreement to spend this year with PILS so they need to find a way to make this work for all of them this year and discuss changing things from next year onwards

Nonsense.

GreenTulips · 14/10/2019 18:25

Nothing to stop you going to your family and DH staying with his. It’s one day, or two really.

I’d tell him you want to go and therefore as an adult will be going. He can then choose.

I would also say next year you are staying put.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 14/10/2019 18:58

I hate all this taking turns thing. You're all family but you're individuals as well, life isn't a board game where play always moves in a clockwork direction for heaven's sake

Excellent post from woody, absolutely spot on. DH and I ended up getting locked into this ridiculous turn taking bollocks many years ago when we got married and I so wish we'd never started it. It just set up the expectation that whatever was going on in our lives, with work, kids, illness, house moves...it didn't matter, because our plans for the entire Christmas period had to revolve around what was "fair" to our families. What we wanted never came into it. One year, it was PIL's "turn" but we had just found out that my Grandad was terminally ill and that this was likely to be his last Christmas so we explained to PIL's that we were spending the day with my family but would see them Christmas Eve/boxing day. Oh the drama! The whole turn taking thing had become so entrenched that they couldn't get their heads around why it didn't bloody matter whose "turn" it was, because he was dying FFS! The next year we insisted on having Christmas at home just to break the whole ridiculous cycle.

The OP is about to have a baby, she's dealing with the stress and uncertainty of an imminent house purchase, she has a history of Depression and is struggling to keep a relapse at bay...but apparently none of that matters because it's PIL's "turn" and once you've agreed to alternate Christmas between two families you must carry on alternating forevermore! Hmm

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 14/10/2019 19:13

@Rainonmyguitar you literally said this ...
Well surely he can stay at his parents if he wants, he's a grown man. I absolutely would not be pandering to anyone about this. Another adult would not be making a decision of where I would be on any given day.

That reads very much like you are saying OP should do what she wants and sod what her DH wants?

I don’t recognise OP but clearly there is a backstory I’m missing here which is clearly why some posters are answering in a certain way. However, I do genuinely believe that if OP had previously agreed to spend Christmas with PILS then it would be unfair to cancel that and spend it completely with her family. Either split the day or spend it just with DH and DC, but to cancel completely on the PILS does seem unfair.
You may think it’s nonsense that I say it’s too late in the year to drastically change plans but one look at the Christmas board will tell you that some people have been planning for months already.

As I said in my first post, I hate this ‘turn taking’ business but I think OP needs to either spend time with the PILS or not see any family this year given there are expectations already. Then talk about changing the plans from next year.
Beyond that though, and from what others are saying it sounds as though there are bigger problems at hand than where to spend Christmas Day.

Rainonmyguitar · 14/10/2019 20:54

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman

Have you namechanged from LovePoppy?

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 14/10/2019 21:27

Nope not name changed.

Fcukthisshit · 14/10/2019 21:31

I’d travel to your aunts on Christmas afternoon and spend the morning / lunch time with your PIL’s.

GreenTulips · 14/10/2019 21:50

but I think OP needs to either spend time with the PILS or not see any family this year given there are expectations already

Wonder how she’ll do this considering she lives with PIL?

It’s October, I’ve not made any arrangements brought any gifts or even considered a menu.

Not everyone hyped up Christmas - mine can come here or go elsewhere, makes no difference until I do the shopping a few days before.

What’s re you all doing that takes months of prep? It’s one day.

FluffyAlpaca19 · 14/10/2019 22:02

Can you go for the 23/24 Dec & have a Christmas eve celebration with your family and then drive to the in-laws on Christmas morning? That would be a good compromise so you see both families during the Christmas period.

Could you go up the weekend before & stay in a hotel/B&B and make it into a mini break/ family reunion? You can have Christmas day with your in laws this year & with your family next year when the baby is a bit older. I'd suck it up with celebrating Christmas at the in laws this year tbh.

LovePoppy · 14/10/2019 23:00

@Rainonmyguitar give it a rest, eh? People can think differently than you and not be wrong.