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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend Christmas with my family even though it’s PILs “turn”?

173 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 14/10/2019 07:53

I’m currently just shy of 39 weeks pregnant and DH and I have been living with my PILs since the end of August (have had a few threads on it if anyone fancies reading about the whole sorry tale). DH and I are buying a new place but barring a miracle we will still be here when baby arrives and could well still be here at Christmas.

We started spending Christmas together from 2016 onwards and this year are due to spend it with PILs. However, my Aunt & Uncle have invited us to spend Christmas at theirs (my DM will be going there as well), and I’d really like to for a few reasons-

  • We’ve been living at PILs for nearly two months now, I am already losing my mind and battling hard every day not to slip into depression for the first time in a few years, and the baby isn’t even here yet. I dare say by Christmas I/we could really do with the change of scenery. And if we have moved out by then, God knows I won’t be in a hurry to come back!
  • I rarely get to see my Aunt & Uncle and my cousins- in fact I haven’t seen them since Boxing Day last year, when we went and stayed for one night, one of my cousins had already gone back home so I didn’t see her at all, and DH had to leave first thing the next day for work. I’d like to be able to spend a decent amount of time with them, and also give them a chance to get to know the baby. We see rather a lot of PILs on the other hand, what with living with them and all... (have I mentioned that?)
  • It would mean a huge deal to my DM, who is understandably upset that PILs are going to have so much time with baby when he arrives and she and the rest of my family will miss out on that.
  • Aunt & Uncle have a bloody massive house in the countryside where DH and I will be able to get a bit of breathing space. There will be other family there of course but the house is so huge it’s easy to get some privacy if we need it. It’s pretty difficult to get any peace and quiet at PILs house now and there’s only 4 of us here, at Christmas they will also be hosting BIL and his gf and DH’s Grandad as well as us and baby so it’s going to be pretty crowded.

However, DH does want to spend Christmas here, and doesn’t think it should even be up for discussion because it’s PILs turn. I know we could just go up to my family on Boxing Day but there’s a good chance that will mean we don’t see one or both of my cousins as they both tend to go back to their own homes pretty sharpish, and I want to spend a few days with the whole family. Apart from anything else I’m not thrilled about this concept of it being anyone’s turn, as it implies that we’re beholden to yo-yoing between our relatives every year and what I’d really love is to spend Christmas in our own home, just us and our baby. Since that is clearly unlikely to happen this year, is it so wrong of me to want to spend it with my family when we’ll have spent so much, if not all of the preceding four months with his?

OP posts:
Grasspigeons · 14/10/2019 12:24

I hate christmas day. Its the festival where i get to upset 66% of the family what ever decision i make. There is no solution where everyone is happy.
My concludion is there are 12 days of Christmas and plenty of ways to share those out. So perhaps tine to get some new traditions- eg i see a particular relative at a christmas maket and have thai for lunch, another relative we do ice skating with. Can you do something like that with cousins?

Jaxhog · 14/10/2019 12:38

I would stick to the current plan and go to your DM or Aunts on boxing day. This is likely to look rude and ungrateful otherwise. Go and see your mum before Christmas for a break if need be.

LovePoppy · 14/10/2019 13:05

*Sorry I don’t think it’s fair to move the goal posts just because it suits you this time

Eh??? That's exactly why OP should 'move the goal posts'.

I don't understand all this Christmas carry on... adults are telling other adults what they're going to do and where they should be and peop bowing down to the pressure. Why on earth should people not get to do what they want to do?*

What about what her husband wants?

Pandaintheporridge · 14/10/2019 13:13

Well presumably he wanted to live with his pils this past while, more than the OP I would imagine from her tone, and given the amount of time he is able to spend with his parents it's a bit churlish to not realise that his wife, about to deliver his child, might want to balance that with some time with her family.

LovePoppy · 14/10/2019 13:20

Can her parents not visit her? Canshe not visit them?

Is she trapped at PILs, under their control ?

Sceptre86 · 14/10/2019 13:22

You sound very ungrateful for the fact that they have taken you in. There is a very big difference between seeing them every day and actually celebrating a special time of year as a family. If you want to spend more time with your mum was there not the option of moving in with her instead? Why did you choose to stay with your in laws in the first place. I think it is unfair to your dh to change the goalposts just for you. How would you feel if he did the same to you? In relationships sometimes we all have to suck up things and take one for the team and in this situation that is what I would do. However, I would speak to your aunt and see if you can go over to stay for a couple of days either before or after xmas. If you are close, you should be able to explain how you feel. Also re your cousins if you go after xmas ask them in advance if they can stay a day extra so you get some time together. Your feelings are important and you should absolutely see your family at some point over xmas but so are your partners. Speak to each other and your in laws for all you know they might be looking forward to a quieter xmas without the both of you anyway!

Pandaintheporridge · 14/10/2019 13:23

...plus aunt and uncle, plus cousins. Seems like an obvious time to introduce baby to the wider family.
Pils are really helping out with accommodation mind you, but I don't think any year-about arrangement really works once there are dc. OP will be in a new house next year and may well want to hold Christmas there and start traditions for her own family.

LovePoppy · 14/10/2019 13:24

I understand that mental health is suffering, mine would too. All the more reason to get out once in a while.

Christmas isn’t a normal day. They agreed on something, and it wasn’t brought up even they moved In that it could be a problem.

I want to spend all my Christmas meals with my side, of course I do. But so does my husband. That’s where compromise comes in.

But to say he doesn’t get a choice because they chose to live with them instead of renting a short term rental while waiting on their house is disingenuous

TriciaH87 · 14/10/2019 13:32

Your waking up Xmas morning at in laws. It's not fair on babies first Christmas they get the whole day and your mum does not see baby. I suggest you tell dh that his mum would be upset if you were living with your parents and stayed with them all day on babies first Christmas. Leave at midday so all grandparents get to see the baby. I would use it as a in years to come your mum will always remember not being able to see the baby on that special first Christmas. Big occasions should be celebrated on both sides and his family will already see baby daily. It's only fair to spread your time.

Rainonmyguitar · 14/10/2019 13:32

What about what her husband wants?

Well surely he can stay at his parents if he wants, he's a grown man. I absolutely would not be pandering to anyone about this. Another adult would not be making a decision of where I would be on any given day.

TriciaH87 · 14/10/2019 13:33

Tell him this year its half the day each and after this year you will celebrate in your own home and decide who you invite each year. It will not be set in stone that you spend one year here one year there.

LaurieMarlow · 14/10/2019 13:36

You sound very ungrateful for the fact that they have taken you in.

The OP has posted before, in some distress on this point.

She doesn’t want to be there and is being put under considerable pressure from her DH to put up and shut up. She would have preferred to rent.

Her mental health is clearly suffering.

Christmas Day at her aunts would cut her some slack at a tough time. A kind partner would agree to that.

getoutofthatgarden202 · 14/10/2019 13:44

These Christmas posts just keep on coming - it's one day so why is there so much drama about it! If you want to go to see your family then go - husband can stay at home with his parents and head up to you the following day or something!

can you not just be apart for 1 day??

I am a believer in just being selfish and always doing what you want - life is too short!

LovePoppy · 14/10/2019 13:45

Well surely he can stay at his parents if he wants, he's a grown man. I absolutely would not be pandering to anyone about this. Another adult would not be making a decision of where I would be on any given day

You never compromise with your husband? Really?

You’d rather spend Christmas with your mum than your husband?

That sounds like a fun marriage

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 14/10/2019 13:50

Well surely he can stay at his parents if he wants, he's a grown man. I absolutely would not be pandering to anyone about this. Another adult would not be making a decision of where I would be on any given day.

And where do you propose the baby goes then? What a ridiculous thing to say! To suggest that OP starts a battle over the new baby, treating them like a possession just as a PP up thread said they felt when all the family were demanding a piece of them each year.

It’s too late this year to back out of the arrangement unless you arrange to spend it just the three of you. If you can’t spend it just the three of you then honour the agreement you made and in the new year discuss opting out of this ‘taking turns’ setup and take each year as it comes or spend it just you, DH and DC.

rededucator · 14/10/2019 14:01

I think it's selfish to your husband and ungrateful to you PIL. They let you move into their home for the boring day to day bits but you go somewhere 'bigger and fancier' for a special occasion? If I were them I'd be thinking I were good enough for somethings but not for others.

Paraballa · 14/10/2019 14:10

I totally get how you feel, but Christmas turns are separate from any turns/visits the rest of the year so YABU.

Rainonmyguitar · 14/10/2019 14:12

You never compromise with your husband? Really?
Don't be ridiculous. Stop making things up to fit your own agenda.

You’d rather spend Christmas with your mum than your husband?
My mother died before I met my DH. Before she died, my mother would never expect my siblings and their children to be with her on Christmas Day. Sometimes they were there, other years they were at home, no big deal...whatever they decided was fine with her.

That sounds like a fun marriage
It's great. We don't make demands of each other and allow each other to make their own decisions without guilting each other.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 14/10/2019 14:17

How far away is your Aunt's? Can you spend Christmas morning with PILs and family then head to your Aunt's in the afternoon (or early evening)?

LovePoppy · 14/10/2019 14:21

Yes, im the ridiculous one for having an expectation that a married couple spend Christmas together

Ispywithmycynicaleye · 14/10/2019 14:22

My DB and SIL spend half Christmas day with our DP's and the other half with SIL's DP's. They've always done that and it works. Could that be an option?

LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 14/10/2019 14:34

I hate the whole it's "their turn" thing. YANBU, you should go to your aunts and have a lovely Christmas. Surprised you have not went bonkers living with inlaws for so long

BirdyTweet · 14/10/2019 14:35

YANBU.
Your going to have a new baby who will be very reliant on you. It's absolutely up to you where you spent Christmas!

Derbee · 14/10/2019 14:35

If you’re the poster that in thinking of, you haven’t get had ANY concessions from your DH. Everything has been on his terms, and you have had to go along with whatever he wants against your will. I would put my foot down and say “plans are different this year, because we are living with your parents. Therefore I am doing Christmas at my Aunt’s. I’d prefer it if you came and we could spend Christmas together, but I will be in the countryside with my family for Christmas”

Why doesn’t he try a compromise for the first time ever?

Rainonmyguitar · 14/10/2019 15:03

Yes, im the ridiculous one for having an expectation that a married couple spend Christmas together

You're the ridiculous one for making things up. The husband can absolutely spend the day with his wife at her aunts, if HE doesn't want to then he can stay at his mothers. You do know that compromising also means you do things the other person doesn't want to don't you? It's not just expecting the other one to bend to your demands. Tbh, you sound very immature. You would rather see the OP forced to spend a day where she doesn't want to be, in a place that's causing her distress?

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