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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to spend Christmas with my family even though it’s PILs “turn”?

173 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 14/10/2019 07:53

I’m currently just shy of 39 weeks pregnant and DH and I have been living with my PILs since the end of August (have had a few threads on it if anyone fancies reading about the whole sorry tale). DH and I are buying a new place but barring a miracle we will still be here when baby arrives and could well still be here at Christmas.

We started spending Christmas together from 2016 onwards and this year are due to spend it with PILs. However, my Aunt & Uncle have invited us to spend Christmas at theirs (my DM will be going there as well), and I’d really like to for a few reasons-

We’ve been living at PILs for nearly two months now, I am already losing my mind and battling hard every day not to slip into depression for the first time in a few years, and the baby isn’t even here yet. I dare say by Christmas I/we could really do with the change of scenery. And if we have moved out by then, God knows I won’t be in a hurry to come back!
I rarely get to see my Aunt & Uncle and my cousins- in fact I haven’t seen them since Boxing Day last year, when we went and stayed for one night, one of my cousins had already gone back home so I didn’t see her at all, and DH had to leave first thing the next day for work. I’d like to be able to spend a decent amount of time with them, and also give them a chance to get to know the baby. We see rather a lot of PILs on the other hand, what with living with them and all... (have I mentioned that?)
It would mean a huge deal to my DM, who is understandably upset that PILs are going to have so much time with baby when he arrives and she and the rest of my family will miss out on that.
Aunt & Uncle have a bloody massive house in the countryside where DH and I will be able to get a bit of breathing space. There will be other family there of course but the house is so huge it’s easy to get some privacy if we need it. It’s pretty difficult to get any peace and quiet at PILs house now and there’s only 4 of us here, at Christmas they will also be hosting BIL and his gf and DH’s Grandad as well as us and baby so it’s going to be pretty crowded.

However, DH does want to spend Christmas here, and doesn’t think it should even be up for discussion because it’s PILs turn. I know we could just go up to my family on Boxing Day but there’s a good chance that will mean we don’t see one or both of my cousins as they both tend to go back to their own homes pretty sharpish, and I want to spend a few days with the whole family. Apart from anything else I’m not thrilled about this concept of it being anyone’s turn, as it implies that we’re beholden to yo-yoing between our relatives every year and what I’d really love is to spend Christmas in our own home, just us and our baby. Since that is clearly unlikely to happen this year, is it so wrong of me to want to spend it with my family when we’ll have spent so much, if not all of the preceding four months with his?

OP posts:

OctoberLovers · 15/10/2019 12:33

Turn taking doesn't count this year because you are living with PILs....

You see them every day!

Rainonmyguitar · 15/10/2019 17:23

All I’m doing is expressing my opinion which happens to be different to yours. Hardly ‘snapping at your arse’ are you always so opposed to having your opinions challenged?
Perhaps that’s why your DH so happily and quietly goes along with spending Christmas apart from you...

Well my goodness 🤣🤣🤣🤣, talk about making things up. I've never actually spent a Christmas apart from DH yet, so yeah you're making up bollocks again. My point is, should either of us want to have alternative arrangements with other family members, we both know the other one would not guilt us or throw tantrums.

As I said you sound very young and it's actually you that's getting upset that your views are being challenged. Is your husband just used to doing what he's told and obeying you? You sound high maintenance. See how easy it is to say things like that?

Rainonmyguitar · 15/10/2019 17:26

Before I get accused of not knowing what it’s like to not get on with PIL let me say I have a very strained relationship with my own

Not one bit surprised by this .

Alsohuman · 15/10/2019 17:30

I remember your last thread where you were advised repeatedly not to move in with your in-laws, to make your husband stop being so tight and rent a place. You completely ignored what was said.

The bottom line, as far as I can make out, is your husband says “Jump” and you grumble a bit before asking how high. I’m really sorry, @AngeloMysterioso, but until you start standing up to him, you’ll keep coming back to complain about him.

Incidentally, I’m entirely on your side in this but I bet you wind up spending Christmas with your in-laws because your bloke always puts what he wants first.

Rainonmyguitar · 15/10/2019 18:17

My mother died before I met my DH. Before she died, my mother would never expect my siblings and their children to be with her on Christmas Day. Sometimes they were there, other years they were at home, no big deal...whatever they decided was fine with her

I have two grown up children and I am a widow. Which means that if my children chose not to spend xmas with me, I would also be fine with it - on the outside. Because I would never want to make them feel beholden to me.
But it would hurt like fucking hell on the inside

My mother was never on her own at Christmas though. She had a partner and if some of my siblings weren't there, the others were. Her partners kids were there some years as well, she just didn't put pressure on anyone of us to be there. Anyone who was there, was there through their own choice, not guilt or obligation.

The OPs husband being away for Christmas Day doesn't mean his parents will be on their own, other family will be with them.

Bellendejour · 15/10/2019 18:33

I think it’s different this year because of the pregnancy/new baby. Explain to your DH how stressed you are and how much this would help you having this to look forward to over the next couple of months. Next year it’s back to the in laws. There will be plenty of christmases to even it all out when you’re more up for it.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 15/10/2019 19:32

Apologies @Rainonmyguitar I mistook you with the poster who commented the following just after you posted a few pages back;
I never spend xmas with my Husband - I want to go be with my family and he wants to be with his - I don't see the point in compromising - why can't we both do what we want!

My mistake.
My other points still stand though, and as I’ve said over and over and over; marriage is about compromise. My husband and I compromise when we don’t agree on things. You are suggesting OP does what she wants and it’s up to her husband whether or not he falls in to line. That’s not compromise. That’s not treating her husband as an equal in the marriage or as a parent. I understand that you are saying this is how her husband is treating her but the the thing is, she won’t get anywhere by behaving just as he is.
Either they want to make it work and they both need to start respecting each other, or they both walk away. Flouncing off whenever things don’t go their own way isn’t constructive at all, and I’d hate to be in a relationship with that dynamic, just as much as I’d hate to be in a relationship where the other partner bended to my every whim because I respect my partner as an equal.

LaurieMarlow · 15/10/2019 19:40

But the DH isn’t doing any compromising. At all. Ever.

The OP did not want to go live with the in laws. He basically wouldn’t hear of anything else.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 15/10/2019 19:42

I realise that based on what others have said (again, I didn’t know the OPs other posts) @LaurieMarlow
That’s what I keep repeating that they BOTH need to compromise. This whole “You’ve been a dick so now I have a free pass to be a dick too” attitude isn’t going to solve anything long term is it?

LaurieMarlow · 15/10/2019 19:48

But she’s not being a dick.

She’s asking for a little consideration at a very stressful, difficult time.

Alsohuman · 15/10/2019 19:57

There’s only one dick in this relationship and it’s not OP.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 15/10/2019 20:02

I appreciate that completely, and I didn’t mean to imply that OP was being a dick.
All I meant was that other posters are advising her to just do as she pleases (I.e. take the baby to spend Christmas with her family instead of finding a compromise with her husband). I was just trying to say that she won’t fix whatever problems there are in the relationship by being behaving just like her husband has.

LaurieMarlow · 15/10/2019 20:05

I’m not sure about that. People with bullying tendencies often respond better to others asserting themselves and their needs strongly.

Besides, she’s tried all the talking and reasoning and it got her absolutely nowhere.

LaurieMarlow · 15/10/2019 20:07

The bottom line is that the relationship isn’t a particularly healthy one and DH appears to give few fucks about his wife’s welfare and happiness.

So she might as well try this. None of the other channels appear to have helped.

LovePoppy · 15/10/2019 20:10

As I said you sound very young

Actually you said that to me
A totally different person.
One who isn’t all that young at all.

Burpsandrustles · 15/10/2019 22:40

Op I have not trawled through but it's obvious that this year you should be where you want to be!

Of course go to your aunt

I really think you should leave him at his dp and just go alone.

With baby.

You spend every single day with your in laws how could anyone deny you chance for lovey Xmas with your mum!!

Ragwort · 16/10/2019 07:40

Nothing to add but just to emphasise to new couples, NEVER get into the ‘taking turns’ routine, it is so restrictive and somehow makes you seem like immature kids who can’t make their own choices about how to spend Christmas. I am a mother to an only child (a son) and I hope I will never make him think that he ‘ought’ to spend Christmas with us. Christmas is a season, everything doesn’t have to revolve around Dec 25th. (I do have a faith, and yes, I do ‘celebrate’ Christmas in Church in the 25th but any socialising does not have to be on that date).

Chillyourbeans · 16/10/2019 08:42

OP, looking back through your previous threads this is so, so much bigger than Christmas. This is about your needs and desires constantly taking second place to what your mum or your DH want. I'm not surprised you're battling depression and for the sake of your mental health you have to find a way going forward of making your voice heard. It's easy for people to say that you need to stand up for yourself but not that easy to achieve when you've been raised by a parent with her own mental health issues and conditioned into accepting a role that suits everyone else's needs. You mentioned a therapist in a previous thread. If you're not still seeing her then please get yourself an appointment and get the support you need to step out of the shadows and be recognised as an adult and a parent who has as much right as anyone else to have her opinions heard and her needs met. Good luck

NameChangeNugget · 16/10/2019 08:48

I think YABU as it’s his turn.

Flip this, how would you feel if this was reversed?

Rainonmyguitar · 16/10/2019 09:45

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman

Fair enough, easy mistake to make. I still think OPs husband is a selfish twat though.

NorthernSpirit · 16/10/2019 09:46

You’re an adult. You can spend Christmas wherever you want to.

Pandaintheporridge · 16/10/2019 09:49

How would she feel if it was reversed, and she'd been living with her mum for months instead of her in laws? Pretty good, I'd imagine!

Whoops75 · 16/10/2019 09:58

In your shoes I would go to my family and let dh decide for himself.

We also moved in with parents to save money but not together. That would not have worked at all.
After Ds was born we moved into my Inlaws and it was awful, we lasted a week.
No house is big enough for two women imo

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