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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend Christmas with my family even though it’s PILs “turn”?

173 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 14/10/2019 07:53

I’m currently just shy of 39 weeks pregnant and DH and I have been living with my PILs since the end of August (have had a few threads on it if anyone fancies reading about the whole sorry tale). DH and I are buying a new place but barring a miracle we will still be here when baby arrives and could well still be here at Christmas.

We started spending Christmas together from 2016 onwards and this year are due to spend it with PILs. However, my Aunt & Uncle have invited us to spend Christmas at theirs (my DM will be going there as well), and I’d really like to for a few reasons-

  • We’ve been living at PILs for nearly two months now, I am already losing my mind and battling hard every day not to slip into depression for the first time in a few years, and the baby isn’t even here yet. I dare say by Christmas I/we could really do with the change of scenery. And if we have moved out by then, God knows I won’t be in a hurry to come back!
  • I rarely get to see my Aunt & Uncle and my cousins- in fact I haven’t seen them since Boxing Day last year, when we went and stayed for one night, one of my cousins had already gone back home so I didn’t see her at all, and DH had to leave first thing the next day for work. I’d like to be able to spend a decent amount of time with them, and also give them a chance to get to know the baby. We see rather a lot of PILs on the other hand, what with living with them and all... (have I mentioned that?)
  • It would mean a huge deal to my DM, who is understandably upset that PILs are going to have so much time with baby when he arrives and she and the rest of my family will miss out on that.
  • Aunt & Uncle have a bloody massive house in the countryside where DH and I will be able to get a bit of breathing space. There will be other family there of course but the house is so huge it’s easy to get some privacy if we need it. It’s pretty difficult to get any peace and quiet at PILs house now and there’s only 4 of us here, at Christmas they will also be hosting BIL and his gf and DH’s Grandad as well as us and baby so it’s going to be pretty crowded.

However, DH does want to spend Christmas here, and doesn’t think it should even be up for discussion because it’s PILs turn. I know we could just go up to my family on Boxing Day but there’s a good chance that will mean we don’t see one or both of my cousins as they both tend to go back to their own homes pretty sharpish, and I want to spend a few days with the whole family. Apart from anything else I’m not thrilled about this concept of it being anyone’s turn, as it implies that we’re beholden to yo-yoing between our relatives every year and what I’d really love is to spend Christmas in our own home, just us and our baby. Since that is clearly unlikely to happen this year, is it so wrong of me to want to spend it with my family when we’ll have spent so much, if not all of the preceding four months with his?

OP posts:
jellybeanteaparty · 14/10/2019 08:37

Just a thought that whatever you do this year will likely to affect next year plans. Do you think next year with a one year old you would prefer to be at in laws or at Aunts or have own family Christmas?

bookwormsforever · 14/10/2019 08:39

If you get on with your cousins, why not see them in between Christmases?

Sounds like you could just do with a break from your PILs and are grasping at Christmas as the light at the end of the tunnel...

Talk to your dh about how you're feeling. He's not psychic.

Tippety · 14/10/2019 08:40

I don't know, I empathise but it seems a bit off if it's their 'turn' and you are living with them. It would be different if you weren't living with them and decided with your DH that you wanted to do something different, but to actually leave the house where you have been living to spend Christmas somewhere else seems a bit ungrateful. But you need to do what works for you, your DH and baby. I would talk to him, it might upset him but see what he says, he might be open to it.

Soontobe60 · 14/10/2019 08:41

One thing to consider. If you go to your family this year with a tiny baby, next year will be with PILs with a 1 year old. I would hate to miss out on my grandchilds first Christmas where they were aware of the festivities!

araiwa · 14/10/2019 08:43

I think youd be incredibly rude

Apolloanddaphne · 14/10/2019 08:45

The taking turns thing is a dangerous precedent to set. Each year is a fresh year in which all families need to consider what are the best options for everyone. Seeing as you have been staying with your PIL and haven't seen as much of your relations then it makes sense for you to go your aunts for Christmas.

LaurieMarlow · 14/10/2019 08:52

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable. You living there makes the turn taking ridiculous.

I remember your other threads. You need to tell him that as you’re having a tough time, it would be a kindness you would appreciate to have Christmas at yours.

I hope he listens. Iirc, he hasn’t been the most understanding.

CallmeAngelina · 14/10/2019 08:55

This is why we have never done "turns" in our family. None of us wanted to get into a situation where we were beholden to an agenda that often seemed to be set by someone else's in-laws.
So, each year, everyone would look at their situation and then discuss what was going to work fairly. DSis's in-laws live abroad, and returned home sometimes for Christmas, but not routinely every-other year. It would have been ridiculous for them to miss out on seeing them because it was my parents' "turn" that year.
In the OP's situation, there are some additional issues that are clouding things; a new baby, but also the fact that you've been living there 24/7 for a while. Those could be argued both ways, but I think your mental health should swing it for this year, to be honest.

owlonabike · 14/10/2019 08:55

Have the parents in law actually said that they want their turn this year? They might be happy for you all to have a short break from each other. Could you trust your DP to tactfully sound them out and tell you what they think ( rather than what he’d like them to think)?

mummmy2017 · 14/10/2019 08:59

Has it occured to you to talk to your MIL.
Since we have been here I thought I may get ask your advice.
Baby tiny, you will see baby now.
Full house, so we go see my parents this year
New house year afterwards.
You go to theirs the year the baby can walk , open gifts and really enjoy the first Christmas of being mobile.

TheBrockmans · 14/10/2019 09:04

I think you should stay with PIL for Christmas day and go on Boxing Day. However, how close are you to your aunt? I would ask whether you and the baby could stay for a few days maybe late Nov/ early Dec. I have my DN over 5-6 weekends a year and if you explain that you are struggling your aunt and uncle might be happy to have you and the baby over for a break sooner than Christmas.

Jellybeansincognito · 14/10/2019 09:10

After reading your past threads, I’m not sure why you would even want to?

linentowel · 14/10/2019 09:13

Morning with PIL and afternoon with your family?

Genevieva · 14/10/2019 09:14

We don't do turns - it becomes a ridiculous artificial obligation. We have had Christmasses at home, at grandparents' houses, at other relatives houses and elsewhere. We have found it best not to have a routine or create expectation. This year you will have a new born. Babies don't know what is happening on Christmas Day, so the main consideration is what you and your husband want. As you are living with your in laws, it makes sense to go to your parents for Christmas.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 14/10/2019 09:14

Ugh this is tough, I can totally understand why you feel that way. Are you definitely sure the sale can't be pushed through?

LaurieMarlow · 14/10/2019 09:16

Talk to your dh about how you're feeling. He's not psychic.

From the OPs other threads, her ‘d’h absolutely knows how unhappy she is.

NoSauce · 14/10/2019 09:22

What are your PILs doing to make you feel the way you do? They can’t be that bad surely if you’re putting up living with them while you sort out your living arrangements?

Novembersbean · 14/10/2019 09:24

Tbh, I can see your logic, and do think "I didn't want to overcrowd things here and make the whole day revolve around a baby's schedule" would be a perfectly reasonable and polite excuse. A young baby potentially going through a sleep regression, teething or whatever challenging stage it may be would be a lot less stressful in a large house where you could take them out of the way than a small house where everyone is on top of each other. My baby was 1 month old last Christmas and in all honesty we struggled to do anything particularly Christmassy.

I also think the "country retreat" angle ought to have persuaded your husband a bit more as well because that would probably do wonders for your mental health.

But given that he isn't on board, could you suggest going for a week or so before or after Christmas? I think generally having some time away would be the more crucial part rather than it specifically being on Christmas Day, as remember the newborn stage really isn't the best one for Christmas. My daughter will be 1 this year and will definitely get a lot more out of it this year than she did last year, and I can only imagine what she will get out of it next year.

If you leave things the way they are, you will be able to spend next year which will probably be a better Christmas, with your family or just the three of you. I would leave things as they are but try to get a break away with your family whenever you can.

WhenEnoughIsEnough · 14/10/2019 09:27

If you want to see you aunt and uncle and cousins. Could you not wake up christmas morning with your PIL and then spend half the day with them and then travel Christmas afternoon to your parents? That way both families get to see the baby on its 1st christmas and then next year you will be in your own house and can therefore set new rules that suit you around Christmas.

BarbedBloom · 14/10/2019 09:27

I almost never do this but because everyone else was mentioning past threads I had a read. It sounds like your DH has form for dismissing your feelings in general. But it also sounds like your DM and aunt are prone to guilt tripping you as well.

In this case because you need some privacy and space I would go to your aunts. I would be breaking the turn thing though and having Christmas in your own house from then on and people can visit as they want.

Bluntness100 · 14/10/2019 09:28

I think if they want to spend Xmas with you, you got to spend it with your family last year, and your husband wants to spend Xmas with his family this year, then you should stick to the agreement.

Otherwise it could come across as a huge kick in the teeth to them.

They have been very generous letting you stay there, it's likely a bastard for them too. And if I'm honest it's not their fault you need to stay there.

Go on Boxing Day and play nice.

JasonPollack · 14/10/2019 09:28

I can really understand why you feel this way and I think sometimes even if it's not "fair" you should put your own feelings first. Although it is your PILs turn so I would be concerned that you would upset them when they have been so kind as to host you. Any chance you could leave on the late afternoon of Christmas day? You could drive since you won't be drinking?

Although I do think YABU reasonableness is not the be all and end all (don't ban me mumsnet). I think heavily pregnant and struggling with your mental health actually trumps what is "fair" or "reasonable".

Aw @AngeloMysterioso I really feel for you it's a hard situation you're in. Could you go and stay at your mums for a few days yourself just to get some breathing space? I haven't read your other threads so I don't know if that's possible.

Letthemysterybe · 14/10/2019 09:32

Lots of people do the ‘taking turns’ thing. I did pre kids, when it worked for us . But it isn’t written in stone! It isn’t the law! You don’t have to take it it turns forever! It makes total sense that this year you spend it with your parents. As you are living with your PIL you are going to be able to find the time to celebrate with them too! It’s ridiculous that the ‘BUT ITS THEIR TURN’ argument trumps all other arguments. That’s a child’s way of looking at things. Adults discuss, listen, consider and come to a decision together.

Bellringer · 14/10/2019 09:36

Have you raised it with pil? They might be glad of the break, and prefer to see you next year (at your house?) when baby can be more active. Go on your own if dh won't come.

Rachelover60 · 14/10/2019 09:37

I am going to tentatively suggest you go to your family. You can see your parents in law any time (well you do anyway), before or after Christmas. Explain to them you really want to see your aunt, uncle and cousins and next year you'll be at PILs. I'm sure they'll understand. I hope your husband gets on board with the idea too.

It's understandable that you want a change and they may want one too.

Presumably you can be with your in laws over new year.

Good luck, whatever you decide and do take care of yourself. Flowers

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