Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

Also bottles aren't hard to make, even when out and about. Get a travel holder for formula, a small flask with boiling water, and a bottle of cooled water and the bottle. I used to carry it around in a small lunchbox type thing and pop it in my bag; took about 30 seconds to safely make up. At home but a perfect prep (can get second hand for about £20) if you want to make life even easier, if not they're easy enough to make. And just get enough bottles for a day, and wash and sterilise once a day . I don't really get the it's so much effort, especially when they'll likely be having less feeds a day, and someone else can help. Don't let that put you off and suffer struggling to BF if you don't want to (again, if you do, try and get to a support group).

Trijo I'd hope you'd be divorced and have a new partner for number 3.

I try not or judge. BF is difficult to start with but does get easier. It's easy to leave the house without faffing with bottles.

As for sleep deprivation, all new parents are sleep deprived! BF or FF makes very little difference.

For my first child I honestly wish I had given up breastfeeding earlier, he took so long and I was exhausted, I was struggling with my mental health because of it, and it didn't help that the HV was so judgemental and a bit of a female dog (I had managed to fold up laundry before she came but hadnt taken it through to be put away so that was a strike against me; there were Christmas presents still out two days after Christmas - strike two; and I went back to work early because we needed the money - strike three).
My second was in the NICU and was bottle fed there (formula and expressed milk) and bf never really worked after that. He would latch on, take some, come off, latch on again....on doing this he would also swallow quite a bit of air so he would be in pain.

So that's why I don't judge people who don't breastfeed. You don't know why they don't.

Of course not!

I breastfed my son for 6 weeks. I stopped because I wanted more control of exactly how much he was consuming (high anxiety). I felt extremely guilty, as whilst others around me struggled, I had an amazing supply and found it completely pain free. Looking back I wish I just stopped without the guilty feelings and owned it.

Fed is best.

Good luck

Yes. I would judge, especially about the colostrum. Just being honest. It is absolutely the only part of parenting that I'm remotely judgey about however.

I bf to over a year with both my own but definitely don’t judge those who ff (faced a bit of judgement from my own family about bf right enough!) I definitely am not such a perfect mother than I am in any position to judge anyone else and my children have unfortunately not always been on a perfect diet of organic home cooked meals ever since! I do find it hard not to judge judgey people though...

It doesn’t matter if people judge, as the decision is yours alone and for your own reasons. I’m sure people judge me for bf my 2.5yr old but it’s non of their business either! If it is affecting your health, mental or physical then you have to do what is best for you personally. People who judge others for bf/not bf to their face are bullies.

I judge the militant breast feeders. The ones who think they’re doing something really special and like to flaunt it at every opportunity they get. They mustn’t have an awful lot else going on in their lives and I actually feel quite sorry for them. Each to their own.

In 2010, nearly 20% of mothers in England didn't ever give any breastmilk. Exclusive breastfeeding at six weeks was 24%, and 12% by 4 months. The vast overwhelming majority of babies in England are fed at least some formula, formula feeders aren't some persecuted minority, they're the norm. Who gives a crap anyway? Feed the baby appropriate milk when its hungry. These breast/bottle 'wars' are artifically encouraged to keep women infighting and in their place.

Don't think sterilising once a day is correct. They need to be immediately sterilised before use,no? I'm sure my steam sterilised says they stay clean for an hour. I just remember reading it,using it once to sterilise some plastic cups, burning myself terribly and thinking the instructions are way more complex than I imagined and BF better work out.

I am pro breastfeeding but I don’t judge how a baby is fed. I do come across a lot of people who feel the need to justify why they don’t breastfeed which I find strange and with one certain person that meant tearing me down for breastfeeding so I do believe judgement goes both ways.

The justification from some people who don’t breastfeed, leads me to believe that they know breastfeeding is ‘better’ but because they have chosen not to it becomes something they need to justify.

My neighbour did exactly this, and the first time she saw me with my newborn and the first question she asked was if I “was boobing?”
Another woman asked “what went wrong so you couldn’t breastfeed?”

It’s so infuriating but when you get yourself out and go to baby groups you realise the split is pretty even for bf/ff and that is honestly makes no difference in the child’s behaviour.

I agree with people needing more support around breast feeding because it really is hard! (No one ever tells you that bit though do they!)
I’m a numbers girl, so when the midwife suggested that DD should have x ounces x amount of times a day I felt much more confident in feeding her at home knowing what she should be having.
I honestly believe that there can be so many benefits to formula too. (Easier for partner to help out, helps baby get into a routine so easier to plan your day to day, encourages baby to get longer fuller feeds rather than snack)

Other than the two instances I’ve mention above I had no other judgement. You need to do what’s best for you and your family.

It was very important to me to breastfeed, it was a struggle to get it established but I got there, thankfully.

Do I judge people who don't ? Absolutely not, I appreciate everyone is different and entitled to their own choices. I also appreciate I do not know others circumstance so no I don't judge.

I do however judge people if they try to insinuate I am bragging or smug if I discuss my breastfeeding or people who try to argue breastfeeding is not best for baby, just because they didn't or couldn't.

I do, however, judge women who (bar medical reasons) don't even give it a try
How would you go about it then? What would you tell your best friend if she told you whilst pregnant that she won't attempt to bf?

Because that was me, and if one of my friends dared to tell me that crap about how I would be depriving my child or this or that, I would be showing her the door and tell her to come back when she respects that we all have different conception of what is best for our kids because at some point in her children's life, she too will do or not do things that others could easily judge as not being best for her kids and if they don't believe it, they are totally deluding themselves.

@ChilledBee nope, the steriliser I had says they remain sterile for 24 hours, the MAM ones can be done in the microwave as well so even if you felt more comfortable doing so before every feed (although it's not necessary) it takes hardly any time.

Until women mind their own business about this there will always be mothers made to feel inadequate about their choices.

Do what is best for you. Feed your baby in whatever way works. As long as they're happy and healthy you've done the right thing.

We are a first world nation and we're very lucky we have a choice.

No, as long as you are feeding your baby healthily then it doesn’t matter how.

It's the smell of formula that puts me off of it. I was lucky that I was lactating when my adopted son came home and he latched on well. We had already bought formula though. Ended up giving it to a food bank.

When I look at the class of children I work on, I know exactly which children were breastfed........

No, I don’t, you can’t tell, it’s more important that’s your baby has a happy mummy, be kind to yourself.

Bloody hell, I wish these threads on breastfeeding vs bottle feeding would stop. I'm sick of them. Who gives a fig how you feed a baby so long as they're fed and nourished? No one judges anyone. I've been to numerous playgroups and parents only care about their own child and couldn't give a #%*$ how little Joe's mum feeds him. The only thing we all judge each other on is a child's behaviour- fact. Stop worrying OP.

What emmaluggs said

@virginpinkmartini has said it best
If someone doesn't at least bother, tries to bullshit and say formula is the exact same etc, can't be assed because it is an inconvenience/ want to 'keep their breasts for their partner', then I do judge. You need to make sacrifices and do what is best as much as you reasonably can as a parent. Medical professionals all agree breast is best, so it is your duty to do the best for your child as far as is reasonably possible.

Absolutely not. I did feed & it was really easy for us.

BUT I met enough people while on mat leave to find that for whatever reason everyone does what's best for them.

I couldn't care less how someone chooses to feed their baby.

I read online re steam sterilising that it only stays sterile in perfect conditions that hardly anyone observes. Also, some places say 3 hours. Others say 24. Others still say 6. Mine says to empty and use the bottles within an hour for young babies.

No, I don't. Ds was in SCBU, and then we spent an additional 10 days on transitional care, until he developed a sucking reflex. We were both unwell. He was fed via an NG tube.

You don't know why other women make the choices they do with feeding. Unless the baby is malnourished then butt out.