Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

Judge no, but I think it's a shame when mothers don't at least give it a go. I totally understand that there can be valid reasons for this though so I don't judge.

I mix fed my first DC and ebf second (that's what I'm doing just now)

its bloody hard going, all this 'its natural ' its best ' etc doesn't paint the true picture. iv not had more than 2 hrs solid sleep at a time in over 5 months.

I see absolutely no reason why you should put yourself through all this when you're not even enjoying it. I do enjoy it and that's probably the main reason Iv kept going.

Being happy and mentally well is far more important for your child.

did you do any research into colostrum before refusing to?

I wouldn't call it research but I read lots about everything pregnancy and baby related. I'm not denying it's good for babies, I just didn't want to do it.

I’m still BFing my 20 month old but that’s simply through not having been able to face the upset of weaning a child who’s already a terrible sleeper. I loved it because it was super convenient when she was tiny but that was because it was right for us. I don’t judge any other mother for doing what is right for them and their baby (obviously within reason). Formula isn’t crack cocaine, millions of babies thrive on it, it’s a pretty well tested recipe by now and your baby is still having its needs met. I’d judge you more for putting one of those stupid bows on your baby’s head!

I'll be honest that I don't understand why some people won't try - even if only for the first couple of feeds (excluding those few who can't due to meds etc). But no, I wouldn't judge anyone who gave it a go and decided it wasn't for them. I strongly believe that a happy mum and a bottle-fed baby is much healthier for everyone than a miserable mum and a breastfed baby.

I would only ever say so in an anonymous forum like this, but I do judge people who don't try to breastfeed. I feel bad about it, especially because I identify as a feminist and think women should do what they like with their own bodies etc.

That said, I think there are some really valid reasons not to- and the mental health of the mum is absolutely one of them. Everyone needs to weigh up (hopefully with access to really good professional advice) what the best thing for them and their children is. I don't think baby's needs trump the mothers, I think they are intertwined.

But when people breezily say they just couldn't be bothered/ they wanted more sleep/ they find it 'yucky'/ their partner wanted to 'bond' over a bottle/ they don't think there is any difference to the baby... I do judge them for not even expressing colostrum or trying to BF. There's scientific evidence that BF is better for your child's long term health so to just hand wave that evidence and say you CBFed doesn't seem admirable to me.

OP you need to do what's right for you. Other people might not know or understand your reasons but you do.

I will say that a few days in is not going to be indicative of what breastfeeding is like. The first few days are rough!!! Your body is still knackered from pregnancy and birth. Your baby is probably clusterfeeding, still learning how to latch and not sleeping for long stretches. If you can hack it for a couple more weeks, you might find that you turn a corner and start to find it manageable.

Congratulations on your baby Op

When DD was born a new mum and baby came into the ward in the middle of the night the mother wanted to breastfeed the baby evidently didn't! They tried everything for 12 hours to get the baby to latch and she just wouldnt the little baby cried and cried and the midwives tried everything and eventually started to say if you can't get her to latch in the next our that's it we have to call it a day she's really hungry now and you'll need to give a bottle. I just found the whole thing absolutely ridiculous!

This is the kind of story that gets breastfeeding supporters angry. There is no reason to give the baby a bottle. Colostrum can be pumped and collected. Then a tube can be taped to the nipple to deliver it to baby. Giving a bottle just prolongs the latching difficulties. The midwives and nurses should know better.

No

Posted too soon.

Many babies are not breast fed at all and are perfectly healthy. I think people who are feeling bad about not breastfeeding or want to give up really do need to remember that. Formula isn't bad, it feeds many, many babies who do just fine on it.

If there was a guarantee that breastfed babies did not get diabetes or whatever then of course I would have tried breastfeeding but it's not the case.

I think parents need to keep perspective and definitely shouldn't be judging.

I agree about that story about the midwives - I'd have told them to piss off, it's not their decision to "call it a day" and a baby will be fine for up to 24 hours after birth. So many are so poorly educated about breastfeeding it's alarming. Terrible care!

Who am I to judge a mother feeding her baby? It is your choice. I might come up with useless and repeated advice on how to possibly make it simpler for you, if you ask for my advice. If you ask me about my own experience then it might sound like I'm advertising it. The only thing that makes me feel very strong emotions is mothers who express and then bottle feed. I did that for a while and I absurdly hated it. There was so much pain, so any woman who do it, because of my previous difficulty with it I admire very much.

I don’t care whether anyone else’s baby is breastfed or bottle fed (I actually think the benefits of bf are massively over stated and I say that as someone who has EBF both DC)

However, I wish women were more confident in saying they don’t want to breastfed. It does annoy me a bit when some women say ‘oh I wanted to bf but couldn’t’ In many cases, breastfeeding is hard work and there can be many challenges, especially in the early days. I think there needs to be transparency (and support) around this, so women know that a lot of the time you can overcome these issues and not just give up straightaway (unless that’s what want)

I do judge those who don't at least try, but I'd never say anything to them and id.never judge anyone who gave up. Breastfeeding can be hard, both my babies have had tongue ties, allergies which meant I had to cut out entire food groups from my own diet, issues with oversupply, given me repeated mastitis, painful vaspospasm and difficulty storing it as I have high lipase. It's hard to get through all those type of things given the crap level of support.

That story about the midwives up thread is part of the bloody problem. They should have been hand expressing colostrum and syringe feeding the baby at that point. Then helping the mother express and pump to bring her milk in while the baby figured out the latch. It's shocking how bad the advice in hospital can be.

That poor mother. She wanted to breastfeed but received shit advice and no support.

I'm not sure. I think I do because it's seems completely unnatural not to breastfeed although it's not as easy as some make ou. .and I've really struggled with it but have persevered and here we are at 4am and my baby just fed from me. Apart from the fact it's the best food possible for my baby it's also really easy. No fucking about sterilising bottles etc. But if you were someone I knew and you said in real life about not bf would I show my personal feelings about it to you? No
So just forget everyone else and do what you want!

I do, but mothers are always judged, especially during the baby stage. If you are going to worry about being judged, your life will be a misery. My dd was hugely judged by her dad's family for not bottle-feeding.

I genuinely think some women think formula is "poison" or somehow tainted. Even my otherwise very supportive and evidenced based husband was very anti formula and he used exactly that word but couldn't articulate why he felt that way. I think some women also see it as a bit of a badge of honour, for the same reasons that people are competitive about everything else (my baby slept through the night immediately, my baby walked at 6 months etc. etc.). I think people often feel the need to validate their own choices through other people.

There is a great book called Cribsheet that came out a few months ago - it's very evidence based and looks at all the available research into breastfeeding and it found virtually no benefit for babies who live in developed countries with access to safe, clean water. I was completely floored by the lack of evidence showing a benefit - it feels like there is a huge institutional push toward breastfeeding and I'm not completely sure why but I do agree it creates stigma around not breastfeeding.

Bottom line though, formula is TOTALLY fine and I don't believe there is currently any evidence showing it's better/worse than breastmilk.

No. Not at all. I also think that the benefits of BFing are probably exaggerated.

I really wanted to BF but I’ve no interest in what other women choose to do with their breasts.

The only thing I would say (and apologies for giving unsolicited advice) is that like you I detested it in the first few days and weeks. It was brutal and painful and all the burden was on me. Because I really wanted to BF, i promised myself I would persevere to 6 weeks then if I still loathed it I could give up. And it got so much easier. Now (at nearly 11 weeks) I really like it because it’s convenient and a failsafe zero effort way of calming baby down.

But I haven’t forgotten the utter brutality and anxiety of those early weeks, and I wouldn’t judge any new mother who decided her physical and mental health were more important.

Also I second @PrimeraVez, I was SO ready to be done breastfeeding by about 7-8 months but I felt like I just COULDN'T stop and DH was on about formula being poison (load of rubbish!). I said to a few mum friends that I was ready to stop and every time breastfeeding came up after that they would comment how they knew I didn't want to do it anymore. I had no physical trouble breastfeeding at all, I just wanted my body back!!!

No not at all. I had to mix feed, not by choice. It broke my heart not to be able to exclusively breastfeed. So I feel neutral to bottle feeding mums. I won't make any assumptions because they may be struggling themselves or not, I have no idea, and it's up to them.

I don't judge really but I will admit I have a bit less respect for women who don't even try - excluding medical/health reasons obviously. Babies are born with an instinct to nurse and to deny them then completely just doesn't make sense to me at all.

But I also think (and have commented in another thread the same point) that due to several generations of formula feeding, the community support aspect of breastfeeding has gone from Britain. So when new mothers struggle, their mums and even grannies may not have BF and can't give any advice. With cuts in NHS services there's a vacuum of breastfeeding knowledge. To me this is not a good thing in the long run for a society. But that's not about individual experiences but the aggregate effects.

Nope. I don't even judge the mothers who don't try or don't breastfeed simply because they don't want to. And everyone who judges and tries to tell women what to do with their bodies can go and fuck a duck.

If you hate breastfeeding just stop it, martyrdom is so silly. You just made a little human, you deserve to enjoy the lovely baby days

I agree about that story about the midwives - I'd have told them to piss off, it's not their decision to "call it a day" and a baby will be fine for up to 24 hours after birth. So many are so poorly educated about breastfeeding it's alarming. Terrible care!

Absolutely. The lack of BFing support for women in some areas gives me the absolute rage. You can’t put massive institutional pressure on women to do something then not properly support them to do it!!

Absolutely not.
I didn’t BF at all, I simply didn’t want to. I respect that some women want to and some don’t.
At the end of the day, how you choose to feed your baby is your choice, it’s no one else’s business.
People who don’t understand women who won’t even do it for the first couple of days, I don’t understand the desire to. Yes I understand the benefits but it doesn’t mean I want to do it. I also understand the benefits of eating well and exercising as an adult, do I do that all the time? No.

Some bits of parenting I 'failed' at, no natural birth, repeat c sections and lots more but I was lucky and breastfeeding came easy, I loved the time with the baby, how easy it made traveling with a small baby etc

However if it doesn't work it doesn't work, I would feel slightly sad if I saw you bottle feeding but only as i would be projecting my experience where it was one of the few things about having a small baby that came easy to me!

And as a pp poster said in terms of a babies health, if you live in a country with good water and a high standard of living studies have not been able to identify any measurable benefit to the baby either way

Much better to have a formula fed happy mother I would have thought!

Honestly I don't even notice how a baby is being fed. I combination feed my little one (because she's a greedy guts) and I know she's happy and healthy enough.

Don't pay any attention to anyone else. Your children and healthy and loved and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says.