Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

@DoctorAllcome Yes, but why do you care? How does it affect YOU? It’s not a trick question!

I dont judge anybody but i do feel sad that so many women are forced to give up because there is not enough support. Breastfeeding is so hard and i wouldve given up without the 24hr support of my very experienced sister. Maybe your friend was tryig to be supportive OP. Why didnt you tell her the truth?

Funny how it's only breastfeeding mums who judge

@letmepeeinpeace Some of us don’t.

@virginpinkmartini so best for baby is a mother who has had her mental health pushed to the edge when there is a perfectly safe alternative? Or the mum whose milk is struggling to come in, so is exhausted from offering baby the breast, topping up with formula and pumping? The mum who feels too nervous to feed in public so avoids going out much because she doesn't have the confidence to try and change societies perceptions (hats off to those who do)? The best for your children is unique to you, as a parent, and your circumstance in this case where there is an alternative. I don't give two hoots how anyone else feeds, but I do for the women who are bullied into continuing for fear of being judged.

No, completely down to the mum to decide, there are lots of reasons why bf might not be possible. As long as baby is fed, why pressure or judge. I bf my two, I found it really hard in the first few weeks with DS1, when I first started to feel him, if definitely didn’t feel natural or easy. Many a night I gave him to bottle to give me a break and resumed bf in the morning when I recovered a bit. No women should ever be pressured in bf.

Not something that would even cross my mind far less judge. However I was judged for breastfeeding by my thankfully ex-SIL. She said it was disgusting, yes really. Unfortunately I had to stop after 3 weeks as my immune system crashed and I became really ill.

Also how do you sterilise bottles out and about or do you have to take multiple bottles with you? I mean the feeding stuff alone would fill most of a bag before you've packed nappies, spare vest, wipes etc

It’s non of my business personally. Friends and I help eachother with advice and tips but nobody really cares or remembers what feeding choices anyone else made. Unless there was something memorable about their particular circumstances.

I was however, once told by a colleague at work, that she found breastfeed unnatural as she felt breasts were for sex! I was

There is evidence being looked at that it can harm the attachment with your baby and the effect can last a life time of the mother is under severe stress trying to BF. The goodness of the mothers milk is not as important as forming good and healthy attachment with your child.

It's very important to try to BF if you can and to push through the hard stage but if it's not working physically or psychologically then it's fine to stop.

I feel BF needs to be looked at more positively and normalised more. Our boobs are too sexualised.

I'm saying this as in an ASDA in our local city the formula is security tagged. It would make so much sense financially and physically for the babies born into poverty to be BF.

There isn't enough HVs to support and promote BF and that's one of the reasons people don't or stop.

Wow at the smugness emulating from some of these posts. Well done. Your children must be top of the class.

I didn't breastfeed my second baby as I didn't want too. I do not judge at all.

I do judge a bit if people flat out won't try.

I judge the society we're in that it doesn't take formula adverts off TV and instead help people understand breastfeeding more and support new mothers.

I judge HVs giving outdated shit advice.

I judge people (anyone, not just mothers), who think it's gross or shouldn't be done in public, or beyond a certain age.

I think for most people it does require a lot of effort and hard work and that's worth it for baby to get what's best for them.

But I don't think badly of a mother who's bottle feeding. My mum bottle fed me and she's the best mum ever. Infant feeding is such a small part of mother/baby hood.

I don’t judge at all. Probably because from my own experiences, I know what a complex issue it can be.

Trying to breastfeed my first baby after a traumatic emergency c-section was one of the most awful, isolating experiences of my life. I was ill and in a state of shock, and having that level of demand put on my body was further traumatising. I managed 6 hideous weeks and ended up in hospital with a breast abscess and needing IV antibiotics. I really wish I had stopped after a few days (colostrum etc).

With DC2, I managed a month. Honestly? I hated it. It hurt, I had every bloody issue you can have (oversupply, mastitis, another abscess, another hospital I stay) and it was a blessed relief to stop.

To be honest, the only judgement I ever felt was from midwives and nurses....and myself. I beat myself up a lot about stopping, especially with DC1, but nobody else in my life made me feel bad about bottle feeding - including friends who were extended breast feeders, or my mum who bf me and my siblings for a year.

I think it has to be the case that women are well informed and then allowed to decide fir themselves how they feed. Anything else just doesn’t work.

DD was born 7 weeks early and I expressed exclusively for her in the NICU And then for 5 months. At 6 months we went combi and at 7 I stopped expressing. I’m a single mother and it wasn’t affecting my mental health. I got no break. Ever. Every free second I had in the day I was expressing. I got no sleep and have no help.

Yet I feel such shame and embarrassment. Recently I went to a baby group and two women were really making a huge production out of breastfeeding (announcing it, one actually removed her top etc) that I felt too ashamed to get a bottle out so I AGAIN attempted to BF DD.

Who then cried because she can’t latch and hasn’t been able to with midwife, NICU, and feeding swallowing support.

It’s still a sensitive area for me and I even hide formula bottles in my bag.

I badly wanted to breastfeed and I worry it’s harmed our relationship and others think I’m a shit mother.

I do feel there is a lot of judgement out there and tbh very little help where lm from.

Even as I type this I feel very very sad. Maybe I should have tried harder or found someone else to help.

All that said, I don’t judge others as I know some might have wanted to and couldn’t and that can be soul destroying.

@ChilledBee 'perfect conditions' are simply leaving the lid of the steriliser on, I'm not sure why you're so concerned about this. As said, you can buy bottles which you can sterilise for a minute in the microwave if you'd prefer before a feed. If out and about you put the bottle together, make sure the lid topper is on correctly and put it in a bag

@letmepeeinpeace there are FF mums judging on this thread so that comment is patently nonsense.

Eugh typo - it WAS affecting my mental health.

And my ability to type apparently.

I don't judge. I just don't get the need to go on about it. Feed your baby, I don't care how you do it, I did it my way, you do it yours. Change your mind if you want to too.

Feeding is the first of many choices you get to make with your baby, some you will stick with some you won't.

Yes. I would judge, especially about the colostrum. Just being honest. It is absolutely the only part of parenting that I'm remotely judgey about however.
Really, how ridiculous! So you wouldn't judge a mum who feeds sweets every day to her already overweight child, or a mum who sent her kids without breakfast, or one who never ever cooked vegetables, but you would judge one who doesn't breastfeed the first few days.

Do you realise how much less an impact the latter would have on a child's health than these examples, as in massively less significant?

This whole breastfeeding is best has really gone to some women's head!

@TriJo

WTF?? I wouldn’t judge you for how you fed your children but I would very much judge you for having another child with that man. Are you honestly still with him..?!

Facts are facts. BF has benefits that FF can't provide. But judging someone for not FF is like judging someone parked in a disabled bat because YOU can't see their disability. Not really anyone else's business. But I do believe that the benefits of BF mustn't be hidden in order to not offend non BFers.

@SnuggyBuggy not really, if you're going to be out more than 4 or so hours take more that 1 bottle (they're not that big!)- or depending where you're going take 1 MAM one which you can sterilise in the microwave by itself. Formula you can portion into a travel container, so enough for 4 feeds in a container no bigger than the snack boxes you get for fruit etc, then just a small flask and a water bottle. It doesn't take up much room at all.

I'll be honest. I feel a bit sad when some people won't try. Only because I found it rewarding. BUT. I keep that to myself because I know that is overstepping and everyone is living their own life. Also, not a judgement of their parenting. Playgroup woman sounds seriously awful. Obviously if it is affecting you negatively that will have an affect on your child. So do stop, it needs to work for both of you!

No I don't judge. I think it's worth everyone having a go at first (circumstances permitting) but as long as the baby is fed that's what actually matters. I think it's really hard (and brave) to make the decision to stop breastfeeding when you had hoped to do it especially in the face of some of the more insistent pro breast feeders - if it's not working for whatever reason (for baby or for you) then that's that. I've breastfed before but in the unlikely event of another DC I'd bottle feed because I don't think my mental health could take another round of breastfeeding. Ignore the rude acquaintance.

There's so much judging about breastfeeding in general though - judged if you don't do it until 6 months, and judged if you carry on for longer than that!

I judge Mums who push breastfeeding and make out they are the best Mothers on earth because they did it. It's fine if you breastfeed just as it's fine if you dont. There are much much more important things in your childs life than breastfeeding. It's when they push push push, that I start to think they are a bit mental about it and I feel sorry for them.