Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

When I had my first dc over 20 years ago I was in a room with three other women. Me and two others were bfing (with varying amounts of success) and I remember the fourth sitting up and getting a bottle of formula, then looking round at all of us with a look of astonishment and saying, " Oh, you're all doing that. I hate that. My breasts are for my husband, not the baby."

We politely smiled and nodded and she looked very uncomfortable. Perhaps she felt "judged," my overwhelming feeling was one of sadness for her that she saw her body that way.

If anything, it's even worse now. Rupert Murdoch et al along with Big Pharma have done a hell of a job in getting breasts to be redefined as sex objects rather than miraculous food supply.

I would never judge. Tried to breastfeed DS but for a variety of reasons, couldn't so went onto to formula. My lack of judgement for other mums was cemented when I was bottle feeding DS in the doctors and this little old woman came up to me, and demanded to k ow why I was breastfeeding.

It's no one else's business IMO. Do what is right for you, a happy mum means a happy baby.

However I do feel I wasn't given enough info on breastfeeding when pregnant, which may have influenced my decision. But each to their own. No judgments from me

No never. I have extremely inverted nipples and both my babies struggled.

Who I’m I to judge another mother. Who know what problems she may be facing.

I'm currently pregnant with DC1 and my experience so far is that mothers are judged whatever they choose. There is no way to "win."

I have a strong desire to breastfeed as I understand that it's, on paper, the best thing I can do however I also understand that life with a newborn isn't always black and white. If my MH suffered or I experienced huge amounts of pain, for example, to the detriment of being able to take care of her, obviously I would try ff instead. Yes, nutritionally breast milk is far superior but we are lucky enough to live in a world where we have options.

I would much rather see a happy mum, happy baby, thriving on formula than a mum struggling to cope, with PND, breast feeding.

my experience so far is that mothers are judged whatever they choose.

I never once felt judged for breastfeeding.

I’ve both not breastfed and breastfed past a year with different children. You absolutely will be judged if you don’t breastfeed and you absolutely will be judged if you don’t breastfeed. So choose whatever will be the best for you. If you want to breastfeed for health benefits then you could try mixed feeding. Although it can limit your supply, if you’re thinking of giving up totally then mixed feeding so you can get a break is a good compromise. Remember to seek help if you’re feeling low, motherhood is flipping hard.

@Bringonspring

This thread is full in just 2 days. Clearly the answer is ‘yes’ wouldn’t it be great when this type Of question (for which there seems a weekly thread) is just not responded to as there is no judgement

Which thread are you reading? The one I'm reading has the vast, VAST majority of posters saying they wouldn't judge, that no-one has any right to judge (and a decent proportion go on to castigate breastfeeding women as inherently judgey bitches). So the fact there are hundreds of people telling the OP they would not judge her hardly implies what you suggest does it?

Which is as I'd expect it to be, as surely FF women can't judge women who FF, and they constitute the overwhelming majority of mothers. Even if every single mother who breastfeeds was indeed judgemental of formula feeding mothers (hot tip - we're not) then they judgers would constitute a tiny minority of users on Mumsnet.

*my experience so far is that mothers are judged whatever they choose.

I never once felt judged for breastfeeding.*

@DappledThings it sounds like you're one of the lucky ones. So far, when asked how I'm planning to feed her, I've received suggestions that I'm "selfish" as no one else will be able to feed, told I will need a boob job after as it will "ruin" them and to make sure I cover up appropriately in public as "no one wants to see that."

“ I really don't understand your problem to be honest. ”

Sorry about that.

Bentley 111 - then youre hanging out with some strange people. No-one ever said any of those things to me. Or maybe im the one hanging out with strange people.

Good for you, @DappledThings. I did, constantly, by my MIL who kept speculating my colicky baby needed something 'richer' (she had a cow's milk allergy as it turns out, in many ways it would have been useful if I had put her on formula as she would have gone full exorcist spew straight away and we'd have figured out what was bothering her much sooner). And my NCT group who all started responding to every parenting concern I raised with them after 6 months with 'maybe it's time to stop breastfeeding'. And all the formula feeding mothers who felt the need to tell me how they'd read how it made no difference, or was harmful to baby's development of independence, harmful to the bond between dad and baby, selfish as it meant I was 'keeping baby all to myself' - and the endless, endless pressure to 'get my life back' from society in general, as if the fact I didn't actually WANT to be away from my baby and have the exalted 'night out' made me some sort of bovine martyr. I felt like I had to do tinkly-laugh-brush-off-challenging-comment all the time with increasing frequency for 2.5 years. And eventually stopped before either of us were ready (to my continuing regret) because my partner made a massive issue out of it.

So yes, I've felt judged for breastfeeding.

I never felt judged about how I fed my babies. Clearly I live in a non-judgemental area. Tbh, I also think some people are just paranoid and imagine the whole world is going around judging them all the time, when actually it's a tiny minority who give a toss one way or the other.

I also never felt judged bf. But other peoples opinions didnt really matter to me so if they did i just didnt notice

Wasnt trying to minimise your experience TheFurminator, I'm sorry. Just saying it isnt universal that people are judged.

In my experience it was the absolute norm. All my NCT group, all my family, all the other mums I met at baby groups, everyone breastfed and it was only discussed if anyone was having an issue and wanted help with it.

So I suppose what I'm getting to is how do we try to make that experience, of it being the norm, more universal so, as BetrandRussell has said more women get the support and decent advice that so many are missing out on

Considering how few women breastfeed they must spend an awful lot of their time judging people.......

I'm currently pregnant. Due date in January so... It's approaching really fast. At least imo.
Anyway. I must admit, I didn't even contemplate not breastfeeding. At least not during my maternity leave... I just hope that we'll somehow manage.🤷🏻‍♀️

But I still wouldn't judge someone for bottle feeding. I'd simply assume that they were doing what was best for them. (and breastfeeding mothers shouldn't be shamed or judged either, obviously!)

There is an element of tribalism with feeding. It's going to be harder when you are doing what's not normal in your group either way. In my case all my immediate mum friends BF until at least 6 months and some of the groups I attended had almost no bottles.

At least up to now. My sister breastfed. I remember my mother breastfeeding my youngest brother... And it was also a fairly regular thing to see female relatives breastfeed during family celebrations etc. And I honestly feel like breastfeeding is the norm where we live. So maybe that's why.

Its a load of old shite no-ones bloody business who does what with their boobs/baby! I happily gave up on breastfeeding bothDCs at 5-6weeks..they both did mixed feeding&none of the'nipple confusion'occured-that id had rammed down my throat from the minute i was an expectant mum..Bottle fed exclusively from10weeks&everything improved,sleep(mine&theirs)contentment etc..Do what suits you best.Happy mum=happy kids=happy family...FWIW also weaned at 5months,again-no allergies/dramas that ud expect listening to all the 'experts'(handwringers😨).U need to grow a thick skin&own your choices.Dont give the village idiots the time of day or buy into the drama-they'll soon get the message.

Fair dos @DappledThings, sorry for going down your throat - just I often feel I'm living in Bizarro World, the narrative of the judged, marginalised formula feeding family is so unquestioned and so widespread whereas I just don't understand how something the vast majority of people in this country do can be so "judged", compared to a very niche parenting practice which is never represented in media and culture except to shock, tittilate or mock. I really loved the show "Man Down", thought it was hilarious and clever, until they did the episode with the "earth mother" stereotype running around forcing her sagging breasts into people's mouths and breathing "so naturaaaaaal".... That's the kind of judgment which I feel is far more widespread and damaging, so I don't get why it is the formula feeding mothers who are feeling so marginalised. A lot is probably individual perception in both directions.

I breastfed. I honestly can't remember what the other mums I continued to meet up with from my ante natal classes did. I think quite a few did a mix and some bottle fed, but I wasn't particularly paying attention. It wasn't really a topic of discussion.

The only representation of BF unpopular culture I can think of off the top of my head is “bitty”......

God no. Really rally do what is best for you. It is an exhausting business.You are in for the long haul. Enjoy the baby ,get as much sleep as you can. Get as much help as you can. xx

then youre hanging out with some strange people.

@Vulpine perhaps those comments were made my older members of DHs family, including MIL. I don't believe any of them breastfed.