Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

I never, ever judge a woman on how she feeds her baby. It's none of my business or anyone else's. Each woman should do what's right for her and her child. I breastfed my son until 4 months then combination fed until 7 months and after that he was formula fed. I ended up with mastitis at 7 months so had to stop. I never cared what anyone else thought.

God no.

It's nobody's business but yours . Why does this woman know your business ? I'd suggest not telling people about how you are feeding your baby - it's not necessary to tell the world about it.

I never breast fed either of my children, by my choice. I have some mental issues with my breasts after being molested as a child - breast feeding was never going to be for me. And that was fine . I didn't broadcast it to other people, I just bottle fed them and that was fine.

I'd say , just keep your activities a bit private and don't listen to breastfeeding nazis who want to tell you how to mother your children.

The only people I judge are the self righteous, opinionated twats (some of whom have made it on to this thread I see) who “judge/don’t understand/fail to see/think that a woman should at least try”. it says far more about them than it does about the person who didn’t breastfeed when there is very little evidence to prove that BF in the first world brings any benefits what so ever.

And it’s also worth bearing in mind that before the invention of formula babies could and did die if a woman was unable to bf. And yes, women are unable to bf in many instances, just as, you know, animals are sometimes unable to feed their young and if there is no human intervention those young die.

I wonder, would it be ok to state that you judged/didn’t understand how a woman can go back to work when there is some evidence which states that it is best for children to remain at home for the first three years? No, didn’t think so. So why does BF get so many people’s backs up? Especially when it really doesn’t matter how your baby was fed. Once they’re not a baby nobody actually cares, and anyone who does needs to get a life.

I don’t judge how any woman chooses to feed her child as long as they are well nourished. There are pros and cons to all methods and women should be offered education and support to make the decision that’s right for them and their baby.

I do judge those who try to enforce their own choices onto others, either for breast or bottle (and I’ve seen it both ways).

I’m a proponent of breast-feeding, but that mother from your baby group was way out of line. It’s not her business what you do. I dislike it when people are extremely militant about breastfeeding, and also when people are extremely militant about anti-breastfeeding.

I would never judge someone like you who has tried it and found it just wasn’t for her, or my sister-in-law who tried it and couldn’t produce enough milk, or someone who can’t for medical reasons.

I absolutely did judge one woman who wouldn’t try breast feeding even though her baby was allergic to formula. She’d made it very clear from the beginning that she wouldn’t breastfeed, and she chastised those who did. Her baby was born and was started on formula. Baby was allergic – vomiting, I believe. The pediatrician suggested that the mother should breastfeed and she refused. She and her husband bought another, more expensive formula. Baby was allergic. Doctor begged mother to try to breastfeed. She refused.

Baby was started on yet another, even more expensive, formula, and was allergic. Doctor implored mother to try breastfeeding. Mother refused.

Every few days a new formula was tried. Finally, the baby was put on the most expensive formula on the market, and that one he managed to keep down. Mother was happy.

While I never said a word to her, I thought the woman was incredibly selfish. With her refusal to try breastfeeding, she gambled with her baby’s health for the first couple of weeks of life. Then she had to spend something like $40 per can of formula, which maybe lasted two days, when she could have given milk from her own body for free. Very selfish. I mean, she could have at least tried, but she never did.

As for your second question, what are you missing if you stop . . . nothing. You will hold and cuddle your baby whether you formula feed or breastfeed, and your baby needs that loving human contact as much as she needs nourishment.

God no. I didn't breasted because I didnt wish to. Didn't also give s flying crap what anyone else thought. Now have a healthy intelligent 22 year old, who was a baby that slept through thr night at 11 weeks, and have a husband who shared all night feeds, I did one night he did the next.

Total win win.

I seriously respect women who don't breastfeed! I BF because I'm fuck lazy (and it just so happened to work out) and sterilising bottles and making up formula all while your baby is crying is a no from me! What I don't respect is people who buy millions of the single use plastic bottles of formula to use as a daily alternative to making up their own, that irks me.

@OutOntheTilez but by the same token I would probably judge a mother who refused formula on the basis that she wants to breastfeed and that baby can survive for 24 hours without being fed and is screaming because they just want to be fed.

In both instances I would consider that to be neglect.

My first child was born very small and poorly. I was only able to hold him for a little while, at specific times of the day and he really didn't understand about breast feeding. He just used to look at my nipple like "what am i supposed to do with that?" A condition of him coming home was that he was able to feed through his mouth (as oppsed to a nasel tube) so it got to the point where our failiure to get breastfeeding going was standing in the way of other things he needed. Like being with his Mum and coming home.
It was a quick and dirty lesson in compromise and I'm, glad i had that lesson early. Because there is no "best" just "best in the circumstances"

When i was in hospital with my second, the woman in the bed next to me was really struggling to get breast feeding started. It seemed really stressful and distressing for her. She was barely even sleeping because of the 2 hour pumping regime. It just looked awful.

There was a very young mum in the bed opposite. She'd clearly had a horrible birth because the doctors would look at her notes and actually wince. The lactation consultant came round and asked her if she'd like to try breastfeeding as she'd prevously said she "might like to". She just said "no thank you- my body's been through enough" and I thought "theres someone with good boundaries who's going to be OK"

I think I'm the opposite - I judge women who BF as being scientifically illiterate. Their misunderstanding of the evidence around breastfeeding often leads them to push themselves to breastfeed, even when they're clearly miserable. BFing mothers are sleep-deprived and they have unequal relationships with their partners. So yeah, I suppose when I see how much easier life if when you FF, and when I know how very evidence their is for any benefits of BF (aside from lowering rates of gastroenteritis or for premature babies), then I think "Martyrs/virtue signallers/suckers".

I hold a doctorate in a scientific discipline, btw.

*very little evidence

(am awake feeding the baby - it's my turn this week!)

This isn’t going to be one of those threads where formula feeders set themselves up as an oppressed minority and make it impossible for others to post anything remotely positive about breastfeeding for fear of being branded smug, unsympathetic and belittling, is it?

Actually @Soon2BeMumof3 that’s not quite correct - science shows that there are some health benefits to the baby whilst being breastfed but there are no discernible long term health advantages.

I know you're not meant to, and I'd never say anything but honestly yes I do. I have a visceralreaction to seeing tiny newborns with bottles. It creeps me out.

I know I shouldn't and it's ridiculous and I would never betray how I feel but it's an instinctive shudder.

Not at all. I love bfing, but I really don't get why some people are so involved in other parents lives to be judgy about anything other than abuse or neglect.

I felt very acutely judged for not really being able to breastfeed. Hard to know how much of that was my own guilt and insecurity projecting onto people but I know some people judged me. And frankly it contributed to making what was already a very difficult period of my life immeasurably worse.

In my case I found it almost impossible to get it going. I expressed for about six weeks and mixed with formula. My then husband, whose abusive behaviour was then coming to the surface, was exasperated and kept buying me formula and telling me my DD was going to starve. After about two to three months of very haphazard efforts I basically caved. I could probably have tried harder.

And boy did I feel judged. I felt judged at mother and baby groups, I felt judged by the midwife, I felt judged by friends. There's something about the way the infrastructure of early motherhood focuses on breastfeeding which makes you feel that it is literally the only thing that matters. It doesn't matter if your husband is psychologically torturing you, if you're not getting enough sleep to function, if you're lonely and not coping. As long as you are trying to breastfeed everything is alright.

I haven't done tons of research on this (but I have done some) but I always suspected that while there are clear benefits to breastfeeding, they are overstated and we underappreciated the negative impact of the relentlessness of the pressure on vulnerable early mums.

I never breastfed either of mine due to medical reason and even if I couldn’t I didn’t really want to. I found some of the health professionals were very pushy when I said I didn’t want to but when i mentioned about it being medical they didn’t say anything. I think it’s pushed onto people too much, if they want to do it they will they don’t need people guilt tripping them into doing it which is what happened to a friend of mine and she ended up with post natal despression. There’s no full proof evidence breast is best.. my son is hardly ever ill yet another boy his age we know who was breastfed is sick every other week. I wasn’t breast fed and I’m hardly ever Ill. It’s all fabricated bullshit.

You ask "why is breastfeeding so important to some women"...well, why were you determined to do it? Are these reasons still important to you? Are you prepared to give it more than a few days? Do you judge yourself for not doing it? I think you just have to make peace with your own choices. Stopping breastfeeding because you absolutely hate it is totally legitimate, and the breastfeeding advocates i know would be keen to support you if you wanted to breastfeed and encourage you to do it, but not if you hate it and don't want to do it.

I have two children, i breastfed my first son for 16 months and my second for 5 months. If I ever have a third child I can't do it again because of how my husband behaved when I was BF my second - he completely sexualized breastfeeding, developed a fetish for it, grabbed and sucked on my boobs despite being told no numerous times and it got to a point where thanks to his behaviour it made me want to claw my skin off when the baby latched on.

Still want to judge if i have DC3 at some point and whip out a bottle?

I judge anyone who has an opinion on how a baby is fed. I bf dd for 3 weeks, then mix fed then ff from 3 months. I ebf ds for 18 months.

I found I was judged more for bfing ds than for not bfing dd for long. Had lectures and 'advice' from everyone from my mother to the HVs on how to bf. Non of them had bf. Was told to wean sooooooo many fucking times.

I definitely don't judge how anyone feeds their baby. I might find it a bit sad that a new mum doesn't feel confident enough to try, or that a mum isn't supported enough to continue if that's what she wants to do. But other than that I don't give it a second thought.

@RopeBrickI think I'm the opposite - I judge women who BF as being scientifically illiterate.

This is the most idiotic comment I've seen on MN in a long time.

I BF my kids because A) I wanted to B) my babies thrived C) my workplace gave me time and space to express so I never needed formula.

So according to you in your infinite scientific literacy, despite it being straightforward enough for me to BF, I still should NOT have BF because...I don't want someone like you to think that I'm stupid?

I bf all 5 of mine.My son and his gf decided to ff.Totally their decision,which i supported.Your child your choice.

You have to do what makes you comfortable.If you are relaxed and happy,so is baby.

trijo that's dreadful. Did you not tell him to fuck
Off?!

I don't judge anyone's parenting decisions. BF, Co sleeping etc etc. Just do what works for you.

But there is a lot of bad advice and poor information around BF. I know so many people who stopped after a few weeks as 'they weren't producing enough milk'. No one is at that point that's why they cluster feed so much. I always say if you really want to do it then the first 8 weeks you have to dig very deep, after that it's easier.

I never went into it wanting to BF I was open either way, but had a EMCS and was really unwell after and could barely walk for a few weeks so found BF much easier than getting up and making bottles etc.

BF my second, but if we have a third think I would get a bottle started for the 11pm feed so I could sleep and DH could do!

I breastfed my DC and would never judge or think badly of anybody you fed their child in anyway possible. As long as the baby is fed and happy, I dont see the problem.
My mum was upset because I breastfed my DC for "too long".
If you worry about what everybody thinks, you're never going to win.
You're doing a great job with your kids. However you want to feed them is your choice. Fed is best.