Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

Me and my husband were talking about it yesterday weirdly.
Our son is now 10 months with four sharp teeth and I laughed and said at least I don’t breast feed.
I tried really hard for 10 weeks or so, but my milk barely came in
My son lost weight we had hospital visits and blood tests , his sodium levels were high it was so stressful.
I did dual feeding as I wanted him fed and healthy but it prob didn’t help my milk flow ( but helped my son )
I would breast feed / bottle feed then pump at all hours of the day and night.
I was broken and had pnd .. in the end I gave up as the milk went up then just started getting less and less and I get it I felt such a failure like I was messing with my sons health.
That I was missing out on bonding time by breast feeding ( while in reality the only time I enjoyed it was the very last time when I had a tiny bit of milk still and he wasn’t well and asked to latch and I wasn’t exhausted because I hadn’t done it in a couple
Of days and had had some sleep/ I was missing out on cuddles after feeding as I was so stressed about pumping all the time ) and I got how wonderful it could be but in reality it was for comfort not for food as there was barely a taste there.
The guilt though was mine no one else’s ( upon reflection ) my husband said he was so glad when I gave up trying as I was broken from it.

I don’t feel guilty as per now as the hormones have calmed but as I say it was mum guilt anyhow no one else judged.

Do what it right for you x

When DD was born a new mum and baby came into the ward in the middle of the night the mother wanted to breastfeed the baby evidently didn't! They tried everything for 12 hours to get the baby to latch and she just wouldnt the little baby cried and cried and the midwives tried everything and eventually started to say if you can't get her to latch in the next our that's it we have to call it a day she's really hungry now and you'll need to give a bottle. I just found the whole thing absolutely ridiculous!

I'm so glad I had better support than this. My DD also wouldn't latch at first and the midwife on the ward had me hand express then she syringe fed her as they were worried DD had gone too long without eating. The next time I tried she latched but wouldn't suck so a maternity care assistant came and spent ages with me using various techniques to get DD to do it. Luckily since then I've had absolutely no issues with bf and really enjoy it. Stories where women want to but aren't supported properly are frustrating to hear.

As for whether or not I judge women for not breastfeeding, no, I don't. But I do think women should be more encouraged to give colostrum, if they can, and expressed if they'd prefer, for at least the first couple of feeds.

How would most of us even know? 90% of a wains feeds will be in the privacy of their own home.

I wonder, would it be ok to state that you judged/didn’t understand how a woman can go back to work when there is some evidence which states that it is best for children to remain at home for the first three years?

Erm, there's PLENTY of judgement out there on this very issue. As an evil full time working mother who returned to work when my babies were a few months old, I received it in abundance. I did breastfeed them both though

Still want to judge if i have DC3 at some point and whip out a bottle?

That was horrific. He sexually assaulted you! Can you not leave him?

The only time I judge mothers that don’t breastfeed is if they completely refuse to give colostrum, just for the first few days
So you do judge and it is people like you who ruin it for those like OP. Keep your unfounded judgement for yourself!

I wasn't breastfed at all and nor were my two kids, and they are doing very well thank you. Thankfully, I evolve in an environment where people keep their sensitive views for themselves. The only comment I've ever heard was a midwife who after birth said it was a pity I wasn't breastfeeding as my breast were full of milk, but even then it was said with a derogatory tone.

I have no regrets whatsoever. There is soooooooooooo much more to making sure we do our best for our children for the next 18 years, things that will have soooooooooo much more of an impact on their adult life than breastfeeding vs bottledfeeding, it such a waste of energy judging one another on this topic.

Nope.

My first two were ff. I had absolutely no intention of bf.

My youngest two bf for a year, and still going with 8m old.

I hate not getting any sleep, not being able to leave the baby for long - he is not good with a bottle so everyone except my husband refuses to have him.

Logistically out and about bf was easier, nothing to take with you can just stay out etc etc. But it's made me feel awful at times at home. The only thing I would say with regards to stopping, is never give up on a bad day.

Your baby, your life. Everyone else should keep their opinions to themselves.

I chose to give my children human milk rather than an artificial breast milk substitute derived from cow's milk in much the same way that I chose to feed them real food cooked from scratch rather than processed rubbish. That is because I wanted my children to have the very best start in life.
That's nothing at all to do with your question which is would I judge you. Frankly OP I couldn't give a stuff what you do with your child and wonder why you care what others think more than caring what you feed your child.

Basically some people are judgey cows. I’d have probably been one if then if I hadn’t failed to do it myself. I was never going to use formula until I couldn’t breastfeed and found the whole thing utterly distressing and heartbreaking. The physical pain was unbearable and my baby was not thriving. For some women, it just doesn’t work and there are definitely other women (men generally don’t care) who don’t understand that and judge them for not trying hard enough. Most people don’t really care though and you’ll find lots of people combi feed or end up switching.

You have to be happy with your own decision. I felt guilt with my first for months. With my second, I tried and manage to express colostrum but I wasn’t letting her starve like my first and we were all much happier starting her off on formula. I know that breast is best but it wasn’t best for me and my babies.

BFing mothers are sleep-deprived and they have unequal relationships with their partners.

That's a very broad statement for someone claiming to be basing their opinion on scientific evidence.

DD is ebf and slept 7/8 hours straight from 3-10 weeks. She's now 16 weeks and wakes once or twice in the night. I'm lucky enough to be able to pump a reasonable amount and DD will take a bottle from DH in the evenings and at weekends (and will take bottles from GPs on the couple of occasions we've left her with them for a few hours). I'm very aware that this won't be the case for every bf baby but a sweeping statement about all BFing mothers is obviously going to nonsense as there is going to be a wide range of experiences.

No. And I say that as someone who breastfed both of my children. I do, however, judge people who harangue other mothers for choices that are their own private business. You do what you need to do x

No judgement from me. If a woman doesn't want to.breastfeed that's up to her. I do however care deeply about women who want to breastfeed and can't because they haven't been able to access the right support for them.

Your body, your baby. None of anyone else’s business what you do with either. I find it odd that women are so invested in what other women do with their breasts. I also find it odd that women feel the need to tell other women what they do with their breasts (or don’t do as the case may be).

It’s all just another stick to beat women with. We should be supporting one other in our choices. Babies need feeding to grow and thrive. The delivery method is completely immaterial.

When DD was born a new mum and baby came into the ward in the middle of the night the mother wanted to breastfeed the baby evidently didn't! They tried everything for 12 hours to get the baby to latch and she just wouldnt the little baby cried and cried and the midwives tried everything and eventually started to say if you can't get her to latch in the next our that's it we have to call it a day she's really hungry now and you'll need to give a bottle. I just found the whole thing absolutely ridiculous!

In this scenerio,the wellbeing of the baby is most important.Theres no harm in giving a bottle and then trying later when teh baby isnt so stressed or hungry.And that bottle could give the mum a few hours extra sleep and be ready to face i again.

I had a horrible birth on my last baby.Emercency section,2 transfusions.So he had a couple of bottles in the hospital.

Got home and bf successfully for 18 months.Having a bottle in the hospital is not a bad thing.

I don’t judge, OP. It’s appalling so many people do. No one has ever been able to explain to me why they feel the need to be so critical of how another woman feeds her child. Why this seems to affect them so personally. I’d welcome those who do judge other women for not breastfeeding to weigh in on that one. Any takers?

Esspee Your post perfectly encapsulates what the OP is talking about. She is obviously feeling bad and carrying on with something that is detrimental to her own mental health. Do you really think your post was helpful?

What I judge is when people don't observe correct hygiene practices around formula feeding. Making up bottles for bed and leaving them there, things like that.

I didn’t do it with one and fed into toddlerhood with the others. All I see are babies when I see women feeding!

I don’t judge women formula feeding, Its not my business, but must admit I get misty eyed and a bit proud of women if I see them breastfeeding! I always give a smile or offer to get them a drink if we’re in a cafe or shopping centre because I remember how hard work it was when they were little and it’s thirsty work.

Motherhood is hard. You do what works for you

In isolation breast milk is obviously superior with stuff that no formula can replicate. As a method there are pros and cons and what's right for one mum won't be right for another.

That said I have a family member who has decided to FF due to crap support from the hospital but I know she has a lot of long trips planned during her mat leave. I can't help but feel sympathy for how much extra stuff she is going to have to lug around with her and the faff of having to make a bottle safely on a long train ride. I don't think people always realise how fiddly safe bottle prep is these days.

No. I’ve breastfed mine and often found myself in the daft position of reassuring bottle feeding mums who try to avoid me around feeding times. Honestly in the real world people don’t care

You need to do what's works for you, if it is really important to you and there's a chance that the aspects other than the pain may subside; I'd recommend a support group. If you want to combi-feed there's some great advice online. However, and most importantly, if you want to formula feed absolutely do it! Will your mental health be more affected by BFing which is pretty consuming, or by perhaps a couple of interfering strangers who feel the desire to give unsolicited input?

Also vice versa, to be fair. I’m still breastfeeding my 3yo and have copped crap for choosing to breastfeed from the very start. So you just can’t win. All you can do is ignore them all and do what you want to do. And buckle up because there will be more judgement on every other aspect of your parenting to come, unfortunately. People are crap.

No, I don’t. I personally think that those who can should at least try, but I never judge people on an individual basis because you don’t know who can’t for medical/sanity reasons. In fact if I see people ff I just feel pleased for them that they will get at least some practical benefits that BF doesn’t!

I don't. they will have the reason to switch from bf and start ff

I do, however, judge women who (bar medical reasons) don't even give it a try.

The woman who ran out of the house needs to get a life although she must have a very cushy one if she had time and energy to fuss that much about someone else was doing.