Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

Gosh I hope that you are right. It is comforting to know other people are on the same page. I feel quite right wing in comparison to most of my acquaintences.

@BertrandRussell I think US pop culture has a lot more reps that are neutral or positive - which stands to reason as they have much better rates of feeding. In the UK it's only ever really referenced to mock or shock (or, bizarrely, to sell formula ). I'm in two minds about the recent celebrity trend to use it in as campaigns etc - visibility is good, but it's hardly normalising. The recent ALDI advert made me very happy though.

My mil was one of those women who wanted to bf but was told crap and thought she couldn’t. She put the pieces together after her ds’s and dils bf and it made her sad 25 years on. It’s soo important we get this right.

OP, you have done your absolute best, that's all your child can ask for. Well done, you should be very proud of yourself.

I will only admit this on an anonymous forum, but yes I do judge mothers who actively chose not to even try BF. Not those who can't, be it for medical / psychological reasons.
I don't think formula is terrible. But I do believe that breast milk and colostrum is the best thing a baby can have as that is what they are supposed to have. Them having that should not come at the cost of the mother's physical or mental health, though.
I had family members actively encouraging me not to BF, as then the dad can get involved with bottles the baby might sleep better etc. The same people didn't even consider BF when they had their babies (after me) because they "need their sleep" or "its important for DP to do half the feeds".
Yes I did judge them

Those of you saying you were never judged breastfeeding, how long did you feed for, out of interest?

Bfing was/is the norm for me in my family and circle of friends. Only 1 of my NCT group ff, and most baby groups I went to a majority seemed to bf. My mum and MIL both bf 8kids between them and were nothing but supportive.

I never felt judged once breastfeeding.... Until my child was around 8months and on solid food, and I went back to work (very part time!)
Then my mum and MIL constantly expressed surprise that I was 'still' feeding, and started offering to have him overnight, which just wasn't possible. By 10months I was the only one in my NCT group still feeding. I stopped at 16months when my son self-weaned, and I'm glad it was his choice, but I would equally have been happy to go longer.

It seems to me that the route to take to not be judged at all was to bf until around 9months.

No

And those that do (or judge for bf) are sanctimonious busy bodies best ignored

Those of you saying you were never judged breastfeeding, how long did you feed for, out of interest
14 months both times

*No

And those that do (or judge for bf) are sanctimonious busy bodies best ignored*

Yep. This exactly.
There are a billion things you can judge a mother for. Giving a toddler a cake for example. If you’re a twat.
Anyome who judges another mother for their feeding choices is indeed a twat.

I think only 2 out of 8 or 9 in my NCT group ended up FF, and where I live I see very few women who aren't BF at my baby groups. I've never felt judged by them, but I do feel different and defensive and, probably like the BF women who think 'yawn' when FF mums explain why they aren't BF, I feel the need to explain that I tried so very hard but still it didn't work out. My mum and my SIL BF. I never thought that I wouldn't. It was a bit of a shock that I couldn't, tbh, even though I knew hypothetically it could be a struggle.

I was also shown the video of the newborn baby crawling up the mum and latching on. My baby did not do that 😂 I knew that cluster feeding was normal. I fed my baby round the clock. I knew it was normal for my milk to 'not come in' for a few days, and was helped to syringe colostrum for her in the first few days when she wasn't hungry due to mucus in her tummy. I think what frustrates me is that I want to know WHY it didn't work out.

My baby isn't even a year and I keep wanting to have another to have a 'do over' with BF. Then I give myself a shake.

@tangled2 I feel bad about you saying the bf mums who say "yawn" - I can see you might feel that from what I and others have said. It's not "yawn" at all though, it's just we feel like just by breastfeeding you feel like we've challenged you to explain yourself, and we really, really don't mean to - we're just feeding our babies!

One thing I needed to do a lot when struggling to feed was talk about it; same re my bad birth - I needed to describe everything that went wrong over and over, as if that would make any difference - of course it didn't, but it did help me. Somehow.

So if I'm ever in that position again where a ff mum wants to tell me why she doesn't breastfeed, I'm going to try to be less defensive ("why are you telling me, I didn't question you!") and more receptive, because if one has tried and not been able to, just like I tried and wasn't able to deliver my baby myself, maybe they just need to talk about it. For themselves, not as a challenge to me.

And confession, I think a lot of why I want another baby is to 'do over' too - pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, the early months. So many things didn't go 'right', I made so many mistakes, I judged myself far too harshly, catastrohpised, and made a lot of things very hard for myself. I'd love a chance to take what I've learned from motherhood and do a better job of it next time! So I feel you x

That's exactly it! Thank you, that was a lovely reply. I was lucky enough to have a straightforward 'natural' unmedicated delivery, and was the only person in my NCT group to have that, even though most wanted that. A lot of c sections and slow recoveries. It's probably a similar thing where there's almost an expectation that if you prepare well and do some breathing and are determined enough then you can have the birth you want! When that's not the case. And it's shit that mums feel that they in anyway failed when they either chose to or had to have a section. At baby groups, especially in the early days, mums wanted to talk their births through so much. I think it's as much about needing to do that and to come to terms with it and talk to others who had similar experiences. It's human nature.

I know earlier on when it would make me feel sad to see mums (seemingly) be able to latch their babies on seamlessly and do bloody yoga at the same time I would tell myself that they aren't doing it to spite you, they're just feeding their babies! It's not personal, and I know that it hasn't actually always been easy for them either.

Sorry haven't RTFT as it's too long now. I just wanted to add my experience. I tried to BF for a few days but it just didn't happen for me and my DD thrived on formula. I beat myself up everyday thinking I had failed her. I felt that I had to explain to others why she was being FF as most of the mums I met were BF. No one I spoke to cared how my baby was being fed. She wasn't hungry, she was a happy contented baby and that's all people saw. No one judged me (to my face anyway). I judged myself and it was very unfair of me. It took me a few months to accept that I couldn't BF. I was feeding my baby and that's all that mattered. Do what is right for you and your baby and be kind to yourself. Fed is best!

@TheFurminator Personally any "pressure" to breastfeed I experienced was in pregnancy, and I'd use that word loosely - other than being plied with flyers about the benefits of breastfeeding the midwives didn't go to any in-depth conversations about it. The pressure to stop breastfeeding, however, started on my baby's first day of life, when my midwife decided my pitiful fumbling around not knowing what to do was annoying so she handed me formula and told me he needs to eat.
After that whenever I asked an NHS professional for help with breastfeeding I was told "it's ok to quit now" and any parenting issue in general was eventually linked to my persistent breastfeeding - all by medical professionals. He would've taken to solids better if I didn't breastfeed still, he would've slept through the night already if I didn't breastfeed. Now that he's turned 2 and still breastfeeding, even previously supportive friends and family are starting to make funny comments.

I haven’t RTFT as it’s massive, but I’m BF my 2.5 year old and get judged for that. People find it almost unbelievable. As mothers we cannot win. We get judged whatever we do. Don’t BF, get judged, BF for too long, get judged. Fuck em OP and do what’s best for your family. ❤️

I breastfed my three till 5/6yrs. I genuinely don't care what other people feed theirs unless it's whisky laced or something.

It irritates me when people force their ignorant statements about breastfeeding on me, but I usually don't engage because I find it such a dull topic.

The more I see threads like this, the surer I am that formula companies plant them, knowing a chorus of FF mothers will be on here banging on about how formula is just as good/superior to a substance most of our bodies make for free. Hundreds of people publishing words that the formula companies are legislatively banned from publishing themselves. It's actually very clever.

@Soon2BeMumof3 Bang on!

maybe @mnhq needs to look at those terms, like 'just as good as bf' and delete them from discussions threads.

Can we get “breastfeeding mafia” and “breastapo” defines as “hate speech”?

definitely BetrandRussell comparing pretty much anything to the Gestapo is horrific. Although you do wonder how many actually realise what they are saying it means

@Soontobemumof3 yy and also about how by formula feeding they are making a bold, brave assertive choice despite facing hostility and public shunning ... in a country where pretty much all babies are formula fed ... 🙄

Soon2BeMumof3 I have to agree. There’s also a certain poster who appears on every thread promoting formula use where it’s completely inappropriate and nothing to do with the current discussion. Last time it was ‘why it’s a great idea to give formula (at £10 per tub) to your toddlers rather than cows milk or water .

Can we get “breastfeeding mafia” and “breastapo” defines as “hate speech”?

No idea. But it seems racist to me... Genuinely racist tbh.
makes light of what the actual victims of the Gestapo (and organised crime, but that's more of a universal problem. So not necessarily racist but insensitive as shit) actually endured.

Yes I do.

I also know its none of my business and I would never, ever say anything.