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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

999 replies

HarryHarry · 14/10/2019 02:45

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

OP posts:

Frezia · 14/10/2019 21:05

@Babypug Breastfeeding was called icky and breastfeeding women scientifically illiterate, and implied that their relationships are not as equal as FF women's in this very thread. If you genuinely think FF mothers don't judge you are massively deluded.

ShadowOnTheSun · 14/10/2019 21:06

Nope. Breastfeed or bottlefeed - absolutely not my business, so no judgement.

Never understood such judgey twats. Why do you have/don't have kids? Why one kid, not two? Why four (so many!) and not two? Why formula and not breast? Why married/unmarried? Why natural birth/no epidural? Yadda yadda yadda. How is it anyone's business what random women/men do with their lives and what choices do they make?

My mum didn't breastfeed me or my brother. I didn't breastfeed mine, because I didn't want to. It was disturbing/unpleasant for me and I felt like some cow/animal doing it (talking solely about myself here, not about all breastfeeding women, of course). People can judge all they like, but if someone starts lecturing me, I'd happily tell them to fuck off and mind their own goddamn business.

Yeahthatthing · 14/10/2019 21:15

Babypug I've definitely been judged by bottle feeding mums!

Babypug · 14/10/2019 21:18

Sorry baby is crying and I'm off to make a bottle from our perfect prep machine... I'll quickly chat to my husband to see who wants to do the feed. If it's him, then I'll be having a relaxing bath and then taking my pert boobs off to bed. Goodnight all!
P.S - one thing I will not be asking from Santa this year is a breast milk charm... who knew they were a thing. To be inclusive let's hope they offer the same to formula fed babies as if love to show them to my son daughter when they're 18/21 (said no one ever)

DappledThings · 14/10/2019 21:19

Funnily enough I couldn't get pregnant without husband... so yes it's our baby, our family etc.
Why do women feel they own their babies more than the fathers

I don't think that at all. But breastfeeding, or not, is about my body too. It was not DH's decision as to how I approached labour, what drugs I did or didn't want or anything else to do with it. Same as it was not his decision for me to continue to use my body to provide for my children how I wished.

All those other decisions we make equally because they no longer involve what only I can provide.

If I hadn't wanted to ff he would have supported that too.

LaurieMarlow · 14/10/2019 21:20

and then taking my pert boobs off to bed

Shitty little dig there. Is the thread getting to you?

Masterof1 · 14/10/2019 21:23

@Frezia

Only illiterate if you claim that breastfeeding is "Scientifically better" for your baby. Because the jury is still out on that one and my formula-fed babies are doing just fine.

I think the sweeping generalisations made in this thread are way out of line. In my adult life never have I asked what/how they were fed as babies, does it matter?

Everyone tried to ram it down my wife's throat through both pregnancies without being able to offer any scientific evidence that breastfeeding will offer more benefits over and above that of formula. Whilst my wife was able to ignore most of it there must have been some moments when she would have felt like she was doing the wrong thing.

You do what you feel is best for your children. And nobody should be judged for whatever decisions they make. I can only talk about my experience as a Dad bottle-feeding our babies from birth, which has been amazing.

And without being crude there are other benefits to not breastfeeding, I'll leave that to the imagination.

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/10/2019 21:23

Medical/other trauma aside.....there is so much research to support breastfeeding. If you dont even attempt it then yeah I would wonder about priorities.

GPatz · 14/10/2019 21:24

'Shitty little dig there. Is the thread getting to you'?

Obvs.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/10/2019 21:25

The great thing about breastfeeding on demand Babypug is my baby rarely cries

Solihooley · 14/10/2019 21:26

And without being crude there are other benefits to not breastfeeding, I'll leave that to the imagination.

I actually don’t know what you mean by this. I’m trying to imagine.

GPatz · 14/10/2019 21:26

'And without being crude there are other benefits to not breastfeeding, I'll leave that to the imagination'.

Your wife didn't :)

Yeahthatthing · 14/10/2019 21:26

Masterof1 I'm actually intrigued as to what you allude to? If it's sex, then the lack of periods and larger breasts have helped our sex life!

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/10/2019 21:27

And without being crude there are other benefits to not breastfeeding, I'll leave that to the imagination.

Do fill us in oh great father of the year.

Masterof1 · 14/10/2019 21:28

@Babypug

My sentiments exactly, good on you for standing up for formula-fed.

Breastmilk Jewelry, I had to google, and now I have to clean up vomit from the floor. Thank you for that

LaurieMarlow · 14/10/2019 21:31

Only illiterate if you claim that breastfeeding is "Scientifically better" for your baby. Because the jury is still out on that one

I’m going to take issue with this.

Every single health body in the world (correct me if I’m wrong) promotes bfing as the optimal feeding method for babies and (where relevant) invests money in driving uptake.

They don’t do that for shits and giggles.

Their collective ability to evaluate the research and their judgement is far weightier than the data armchair warriors on here.

So no, the jury is not out on this one.

What is up for debate is the relative difference bfing makes and whether it’s worth promoting given the myriad of other factors beyond baby’s health.

Masterof1 · 14/10/2019 21:34

@AnneLovesGilbert

Wait.... I thought I was in disguise!

Superdad here, ready to answer any questions you have.

Must have touched a nerve to so many of you out there. My priorities are my kids, it just helps that I have a very healthy sex life with my beautiful wife (with pert boobs)

LaurieMarlow · 14/10/2019 21:35

Bfing actually made my boobs perter.

True fact.

Masterof1 · 14/10/2019 21:37

@LaurieMarlow

Please report me to the relevant authorities.

As I said, I am yet to find any scientific evidence proving either. If I am proved wrong then I will put them (kids) back and start again.

buttonz · 14/10/2019 21:37

I struggled with bf and gave up after a few weeks. I felt terribly guilty and disappointed, but my baby slept only for about 20 minutes at a time and I was exhausted after a virus I got just before the birth and an emergency section.

He would feed for ages and my nipples were blistered and bruised... the pain was awful and I dreaded the feeds.

So, no, I don't judge.

GPatz · 14/10/2019 21:39

Well, I haven't flounced off with my pert boobs, so I haven't had a nerve touched.

Fuma · 14/10/2019 21:40

I don't judge individual choices but I am frustrated by the bottle feeding culture we have in this country and wish fewer people were pulled into it because it involves lying to women about their bodies and ultimately women not knowing their own and others' capabilities. So any expression of that does jar, but I remember where it's coming from.

LaurieMarlow · 14/10/2019 21:40

Please report me to the relevant authorities.

Say what now?

Just do yourself a favour and reign in the ‘scientific illiteracy’ chat if you don’t want to look like an idiot. Though I’m guessing you’re not particularly bothered about that

Yeahthatthing · 14/10/2019 21:41

The idea of breast milk jewelry makes me want to vomit as well. Actually really don't like breast milk at all. Or breastfeeding. But I do it, because I find it easy physically. I also donate to a milk bank and direct donate to a friend. I'd never take donated milk though, and hate getting it on me! I'm weird, I know.

Masterof1 · 14/10/2019 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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