Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed?

[HarryHarry]

I’m sorry - this is long.

For medical reasons, I was unable to breastfeed my son, so I was determined to do so with my daughter. Having tried it for a few days, I must say that I really, really dislike it, to the point that it’s starting to affect my mental health. It’s not just the pain and the discomfort (I know they will eventually disappear). There are other reasons, which are too complicated to go into here. I haven’t decided yet whether I will stop, but I don’t think I feel passionate enough about it to force myself to keep going when I hate it so much.

The only thing that’s stopping me is the judgement of other mothers. The thought of giving up is making me feel so incredibly guilty - like I’ve failed as a woman and a mother - mostly because of how much they go on about it. Today I went out for a walk with my two children for the first time and a woman I only vaguely know from baby groups came running out of her house to talk to me. At first I thought she wanted to see the newborn but actually she just wanted to lecture me about the importance of breastfeeding. Even though I lied and told her it was going really well, she still wouldn’t leave me alone. She made me feel utterly shit for even contemplating formula-feeding and ruined what should have been a special day with my children.

So I have two questions for you... Do you judge mothers who don’t breastfeed? If so, help me understand why. Why is breastfeeding so important to some women? Why do they feel so strongly that other women should do it too? (My husband thinks they just don’t want other women to have choices they didn’t have but I am not that cynical). What will I be missing if I decide to stop?

I breast fed all four of mine and found it easy and convenient. I do find it a little sad when mums don’t want to try and I see a tiny newborn bottlefed but I’d never say that directly to a new mum as the decision may have been out of their control.

We all have reasons for our preferences though.

I don't feel any judgement for anyone choosing to formula feed. I do feel a bit sad for women whose sole reason is that breasts are sexual, as I think that level of sexual repression and hang-up is going to have a wider effect on you.

I'm starting to think that some women lose all perspective re. breastfeeding.

When my first baby was born 'naturally' (notes said this, not me!) my DH was the first to feed the baby. Out of a tiny bottle he collected from the feeding trolly.
The midwives on their rounds did not bat an eyelid. When we left, they gave us a bag full to keep us going for a while.

Why? Absolutely none of anyone's business.

And yes, people act as if not breastfeeding is the only course that can be necessary to preserve mental health. Breastfeeding was absolutely fundamental to me being able to recover and to bond with my baby after a prolonged, painful, ultimately useless induction delivery ending after 3 days in a reluctant section. I also get told I am not allowed to be upset about this, because some women choose section, therefore me being upset about it happening to me is judging their choices. But that aside. I felt like my body had let me and my baby down, I didn't feel like I had given birth or that she was mine, I didn't feel like I deserved her. Breastfeeding once I was able to stop it hurting was enormously healing. So when people tell me how much it "doesn't matter" it is very invalidating.

I agree about the doesn't matter. BF mattering to some women isn't a judgement on other women.

Not at all. It’s none of my business.

Fenellamaxwell if that was the only reason for the NHS to promote breastfeeding it would actually be better for midwifes to concentrate on giving lessons on how to make up formula properly especially in impoverished areas where no one breast feeds. Have a look on the NHS website about the actual benefits.

I do feel a bit sad for women whose sole reason is that breasts are sexual, as I think that level of sexual repression and hang-up is going to have a wider effect on you
Are you sex counsellor? Because otherwise, what expertise do you have to make such a wide statement?

If someone genuinely thinks coke in a bottle is a good idea I don't see what Breast is Best will do to help. I can't imagine it helps babies in these situations at all.

The situation where HCPs have to be careful about how they talk about bottle feeding is tricky. I get that we as society need to normalise breastfeeding as the default feeding method but I'm pretty sure I'd have ended up making bottles incorrectly through ignorance.

'Many women find breastfeeding difficult. You’re lucky that you don’t but it’s just luck'.

As I mentioned in my first post, I hear this a lot. It's not just 'luck' for many. It can be hard work and causes many tears, which was my experience. Please do not disregard my experience as just 'luck'.

f someone genuinely thinks coke in a bottle is a good idea I don't see what Breast is Best will do to help. I can't imagine it helps babies in these situations at all.

Well, yes. If you think it's funny to give drugs to your baby... You're so far out of the ballpark of healthy, sane and reasonable.... It's simply child abuse.

My sister used to judge after her first was born because she passionately believed "it's clearly far superior so why wouldn't you try your best". Four years on she now understands it's much much more complicated than that and has finally calmed down and joined me in the much more peaceful understanding that a miniscule amount of parents don't want to do what's best for their children, overall we all love our kids and our doing our best in the way that's right for us and would do even better if we felt built up by mums and others around us rather than the opposite

No I wouldn't judge you. But people will, luckily not always to your face, but if you ask on Internet forums then yes.
This short part of your babies life will soon be over, and before you know it they'll be starting school and trust me those school gates are another ball game all together. Mothers judge other mothers, it's how you choose to deal with it that matters.

Sorry, not RTFT but just wanted to say nonjudgmental from my part - anyone who can stick it for anytime at all needs a medal!
I had waves of awful feelings at milk let down and when bf - it was terrible and I felt all emotions wash over me in one massive bolt -
Found out after I finished bf that it was likelyy to be D-MER

Everyone is different but anyone judging non bf mums are likely to have had an easy
Time of it (even though they say it was so terrible ... it's usually that they're suffering normal t&t of bf imo

TheFurminator Your post is so very accurate to my experiences.

For fear of being burned at the stake i never breastfed didnt even contemplate it i just dont like it 🤷🏼‍♀️

@custardbear that last bit is really crappy of you. Just as it isn't for me to query every woman who says she physically couldn't breastfeed (some women physically can't, why would I disbelieve her particularly? I just know from a statistical POV it can't be true that all the women who stop because they believe they couldn't actually couldn't), it absolutely isn't for you to say whether another woman who says she had a hard time breastfeeding is just making it up and had an easy time. D-MER is terrible and I'm sorry you went through it, but so are torn bleeding nipples, mastitis, thrush, sleeping in 20 minute bursts for a week or more, baby refusing to feed except in certain positions not compatible with going out, trying to feed around a section, feeding whilst being undermined by family, friends and partners, and lots of other things you would clearly classify as "normal" just because they aren't an extreme hormone response. Not as bad as you does not equate to "fuss about nothing". Seriously.

@dailygrind22 what about this thread makes you think you'd be burned at the stake (melodrama much)? The VAST majority of posters are strongly Fed Is Best and excoriating the "breastfeeding mafia"

I wish like hell more women who make your (completely legit!) decision would be more open about it as the current culture of shame and obfuscation about not wanting to feed really skews the stats and makes breastfeeding seem like an impossibility to those who really do want to.

When you look at BF rates amongst poor people who aren't white, BF rates increase. It is only white poor people who are more likely not to BF at all. Mix feeding is very common amongst Asian,African and Caribbean people.

I also read this comment in an article I read last night that said a lot of South Asian women (here and abroad) do not give the baby colostrum because they have negative beliefs about it. Yet these people still go onto BF for extended lengths of time. Here,we are made to believe that if we don't get it right in terms of latch and supply as close to birth as possible, our chances of successfully BF are greatly reduced.

No, I don't judge them at all. Breast milk may be a little superior to formula but none of us go through life making the optimal health choices on everything for our children. Mine have certainly eaten their fair share of pizza and sweets, for example. We all compromise somewhere for many different reasons, and feeding babies is no different. I formula fed DS1 entirely after a few days of breastfeeding not going well at all, and EBF DS2 until 6 months, and continued BF until 21 months. So I've done it both ways, and I definitely wouldn't judge anyone for not choosing to BF - it's tough and to be honest I preferred FF!

“ Just as it isn't for me to query every woman who says she physically couldn't breastfeed (some women physically can't, why would I disbelieve her particularly?”

This is really the huge issue here. There are women who physically can’t. There are women who say they physically can’t because they quite rightly don’t want to go into why they don’t want to. But the big problem is women who genuinely think they can’t but very probably could if they had the proper information and support. Many of these women are sad and guilty about it. Something they really wanted to do and feel that they’ve failed at. How to we address that? How do we address the women who are told by professionals that because their baby has lost weight they have to give formula? (Plenty on this thread) Or because they appear to have no milk 12 hours post partum they have “low supply”. Or the women who don’t know about cluster feeding and believe family members who tell them the baby is starving and they need to give formula? It seems to me that these women are forgotten. It’s so much easier to just tell them to use formula -it’s fine, rather than address the professional and societal issues that prevented them from breastfeeding when that’s what they wanted to do

D-MER is terrible and I'm sorry you went through it, but so are torn bleeding nipples, mastitis, thrush, sleeping in 20 minute bursts for a week or more, baby refusing to feed except in certain positions not compatible with going out, trying to feed around a section, feeding whilst being undermined by family, friends and partners, and lots of other things you would clearly classify as "normal" just because they aren't an extreme hormone response. Not as bad as you does not equate to "fuss about nothing".

This.

Unless we have walked a mile in the other person's shoes we can't possibly truly comprehend their personal physical and mental struggles.
Much better to have support rather than judge as the default response

How do we address the women who are told by professionals that because their baby has lost weight they have to give formula?

But some will. Yes, some weight loss is fine. Too much is dangerous. There are babies that become dangerously ill because they aren't getting enough. That may be very few but that's why there are guidelines around how much weight loss is normal. I don't know if that's too cautious or not, I'm not an expert. I really don't understand your problem to be honest. I completely agree that there needs to be much more support for bf mothers, I don't think anyone disagrees, as long as it doesn't stray into shaming mothers who ff. This, however, was a thread about whether we judge mothers who FF, and any sensible person would read all of the posts here explaining why mothers have made that decision and say that no, I don't judge.

ChilledBee

I think it's very interesting. It's my opinion that mixed feeding is the key, encouraging women to do some bf is far more likely to result in them doing so, rather than the all or nothing approach that can feel just overwhelming or impossible.

100% agree Bertrand. Trained as a mother supporter with the ABM for this very reason. The hardest part is treading the line between trying to help mothers who are struggling to good information and not telling them to disregard what their HCPs are telling them (often completely wrong). ABM hugely emphasise the importance of not undermining women's faith in their midwives, HVs, doctors etc and I completely agree in principle ... But .. can be SO frustrating when they are being told things that are just straight up incorrect and which will sabotage their much wanted breastfeeding journey ... And you have to do some sort of mad verbal gymnastics to avoid saying "they're completely wrong" whilst not just watching the train wreck.

I think the answer is either a requirement for maternity staff to stay up to date with their breastfeeding training (a two hour session once in a whole career is NOT ENOUGH!), or for them to acknowledge they don't have the time or inclination to be experts on this subject and refer struggling women to one of the charitable organisations that do. Charities who are overloaded with struggling women already but hey, at least they aren't just trying to get you off their docket as quickly as possible. No disrespect to the HCPs but so few of them have the time to care about anything beyond "is the baby or the mother going to die?" When what's at stake is finer than that, it helps for someone to be really invested in helping a mother succeed, not just at keeping her baby alive, but at doing so the way she wants to. Often the only people who are that invested are other breastfeeding mothers who have been here and know how much it can mean to a mum to breastfeedeed her baby.

I do feel the issue would be far simplified if the women who just don't want to felt more comfortable saying so however.