Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do i let her know that i have found her letter

318 replies

user1471427614 · 13/10/2019 20:22

I need some opinions. To cut a long story short. Husband made friends with a single mum doing the school run. She lived further down the road from us so would sometimes walk the same way, husband told me about this.

Single mum then bumps into husband says shes moving away and whats his name so she can add on facebook. I comment this is strange and add her too. She later defriends me but keeps husband and likes most posts.

Unknown to me they are now chatting and metting up with children for shopping...lunch etc. I find out (they were seen) and words are had about breaking boundaries etc. I say that she has her eye on him, he says its not like that, she just has problems and needs a freind.

I have now found letter from her to husband confessing undying love and that she wants to marry him have children etc. Her letter makes it clear that nothing physical has happened and that he has said he wouldnt leave me but hes obviously making her think she stands a chance. Husband knows i have found this letter and will be dealt with when he gets back from work.

The question now is do I let her know that i know about her letter and what shes up to with my husband?

OP posts:
custardbear · 13/10/2019 20:42

He'd need to break all contact and tell her it's not going to happen so she can move on with her life

Stompythedinosaur · 13/10/2019 20:43

Agree with other posters that you should focus on your husband, who is the one who's been the biggest shit in this situation. I am angry for you.

Ridusofyourstupidity · 13/10/2019 20:43

I personally would confront her. She needs to know that this is unacceptable.

And I’d take him apart.

Merryoldgoat · 13/10/2019 20:44

Your husband is a prick.

A ‘friend’ told my DH (fiancé at the time) she fancied him.

He told her ‘no’ in no uncertain terms, told her no again the next day sober and told me immediately.

That’s how you deal with it. Anything else in encouragement.

I probably would call her though.

Ginger1982 · 13/10/2019 20:44

Saying he 'wouldn't leave you' is not the same thing as telling her straight they are just friends, he has no interest in her and that all contact is now being cut...which is what he should be saying!

They deserve each other.

Andysbestadventure · 13/10/2019 20:44

All on your husband.

honeybunlatte · 13/10/2019 20:46

I disagree with most pp. This isn't all on your husband. Although he plays a larger role (as the married party) in encouraging this inappropriate relationship. There are plenty of single men she can fall in love with and send love letters too. But as an adult she's just as much responsible for the actions she's taken. I would think about contact her after talking with your husband, depending on what he has to say. It isn't ok to send married men letters like this and she should be called out on it.
(I say this as the daughter of a man who has chosen to pursue and be pursued by a much younger woman who clearly manipulated him, breaking up a 30 year marriage.)

Sagradafamiliar · 13/10/2019 20:47

A letter 🤣 how embarrassing. What are they, star-crossed lovers? How indiscreet of her.
Your DH is an arse who thinks you were born yesterday and she's a cringey beg.

Juells · 13/10/2019 20:47

that he has said he wouldnt leave me

I'd be Hmm about that. Sounds like it's been discussed. Why is he still meeting up with her if he knows how she feels about him? He can't claim it's all 'just pals'.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/10/2019 20:48

Nah, she's not your problem and anything you say to her will fuel her belief that you're an obstacle and you're the one keeping them apart.

Your husband is your problem. Talk to him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/10/2019 20:48

Her letter makes it clear that nothing physical has happened and that he has said he wouldnt leave me

There's a remote chance she may have developed stalker tendencies and that he really does only see her as a friend, but that doesn't explain him not telling you about the meetups or the letter

I'm another who'd wait to see what he says, but at the very least I'd want proof that he intends to shut down all contact

CoolCarrie · 13/10/2019 20:49

Bloody hell op, he has been a twat. Why the hell did he keep it, an ego boost probably. Don’t contact her, it’s him you need to sort out. Is he naive or just stupid not to see the lack of boundaries? Good luck

Original poster
user1471427614 · 13/10/2019 20:50

Thanks for the advice, I thought that contacting her would be wrong, im just angry but you are right dont give her the satisfaction.

To answer questions we have been together 20 years, married 10 and have 4 small kids. She also has 4.

Hes at work now we have exchanged some texts, he claims to have not seen the letter, which was found on the side in the kitchen. I kindly sent it to him. I have asked him to defriend her before. You are right i think hes been enjoying the attention

OP posts:
Barbel · 13/10/2019 20:50

He told her he wouldn't leave you??????

He should have told her he loves you, and there's no chance and that the "friendship " has to end

But he told her he wouldn't leave you??
He has a lot of explaining to do . Not her

Mix56 · 13/10/2019 20:50

He is loving every minute of this attention & has repeatedly made secret plans to meet her.... Your H is having an emotional affair

Walnutwhipster · 13/10/2019 20:50

DH had someone who offered all those things for years, including writing to him shortly before our wedding telling him not to marry me. He never once encouraged or met up with her and eventually she gave up. Your DH has encouraged her feelings by meeting up with her. She is his ego boost. I'm assuming he never willingly showed you her letter and was flattered by the attention. He's playing with fire.

IncrediblySadToo · 13/10/2019 20:54

Is the letter dated?

If not you don’t know they haven’t had sex since then.

But you do know he’s been meeting up with her in secret and leading her on...

Do you really want to stay with him?

As for her, all you’ll do is give her more power & more confidence Dumfries she knows you already know. - and I can’t see what you think youlll gain. If you go in all Eastenders ‘stay away from my man’ she’ll love it. She knows he’s married so it’s not going to deter her having you go off in one - it just reinforces her thoughts that he deserves her, not you

What time are you expecting him home?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/10/2019 20:54

he claims to have not seen the letter, which was found on the side in the kitchen

What - a letter which was addressed to him? It just got worse Hmm

In a way it's a shame you've made him aware of this by text as he may now be contacting her to get their story straight, but anyway he's got a lot of explaining to do

LifeonVenus · 13/10/2019 20:54

Hang on. He's done nothing wrong.

RueCambon · 13/10/2019 20:55

The ''I wouldn't leave my wife'' discussion isn't one you have with just anybody. I'd be shocked not reassured by that claim on his part. Why would this need to be clarified???

MoodleJam · 13/10/2019 20:55

He's a dick, but how is she not guilty as well? Going after someone's partner is wrong morally.

MerryMarigold · 13/10/2019 20:55

It's very weird it was in the kitchen. Was he hoping you'd find it? Did she give it to one of the kids to give to you? How did it get there?

This should have stopped when she defriended you on Facebook but kept him on. That was weird.

I agree with all pps that every moment he doesn't cut this off is encouraging her, giving her hope and fuel for her fire. He needs to ignore her.

Relationshipsajoke · 13/10/2019 20:56

I’d be saying something if it were me!

BirdyTweet · 13/10/2019 20:57

What. The. Fuck.

Tell him to cease all contact with this woman; boundaries HAVE been crossed and she is not 'just' a friend in need.

She needs a telling off. Do it in the school yard in front of all the other parents (before the kids come out).

Women trying to steal men that are taken are the worst type of women.

CAG12 · 13/10/2019 20:57

Personally id message her on FB and say youve found it. You might get her side of the story, which may be different from what your husband has to say.

Then id deal with him. Id be angry and id want explanations.

Swipe left for the next trending thread